A Brand New Bible

Whatto! Believers................

A specialist group have come up with a 'New' version of the Bible to reflect more relevantly the concerns of modern day life and make it more 'accessible' to the average person..............
I've read some of it and it may just work!...............
Here's an excerpt...........

"In the beginning God covered the earth with with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, and gave Man and Woman dominion over the cattle and beasts of the Earth so that they might make use of the natural dairy products that they contained..............

And God said "Now Man and Woman will live long and healthy lives!"...............
But Satan used God's bountiful gifts, and created from them a diabolical concoction which he named 'Ice Cream'!.........

And Satan said: "Do you want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Oh Yes Please!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...........but can I have mine with sprinkles?".................
And verily between them they did gain many pounds...........

Time passed..............
And God said unto them: "Go and try my fresh green garden salad."
But Satan took the salad and crumbled onto it some things he named 'Blue Cheese dressing' and 'garlic croutons'..............
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts and gave many thanks for this bountiful repast!
Then God brought forth the lowly potato (naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition)...........
But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into strips and deep-fried them in animal fats - adding copious amounts of salt...............

and Satan made them seem very sophisticated by calling them 'French Fries'!

And Man & Woman saw them and they consumed them in their handfuls ...... and they did grow in stature still more with extra pounds!

More time passed.................
And God brought forth things called 'running shoes' so that his Children might move to shed some of those extra pounds................
So Satan came forth with a thing he named 'cable TV with remote control' so that Man (not Woman) would not have to toil in changing the channels..............

And so it was that night after night Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light surrounded by Satan's latest gift..............which he called 'Snacks'.........
and verily they wore stretch jogging suits so that they might comfortably accommodate their growing frames..........

Still more time passed.................
And God then gave to them 'lean beef' so that they might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their growing appetites................

And Satan created from it something he named "the 99 pence double cheeseburger".......

(Which you have to admit.......is really Good Value!!)

And Satan said: "Do you want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And can I be super sized too please!"

And Satan said: "Yes of course! .....And Satan looked and he saw that it was good!"

And Man said: "Yes! It is indeed very good!"

And Woman said: "Is there any 'afters'?"

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.................
And God sighed..............and reluctantly created quadruple by-pass surgery.......

And Satan chuckled..........................
................and created the "National Health Service!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel