Lord Noel on Health in a Manly Way

Whatto! Peeps...

Look at my massive Gift Subscription - you want it don't you?

 I often scour the shelves in our local supermarket

(don't worry I bring my very own scourer)

in a futile effort to find a suitable Magazine for a man of my bearing and stature.

I have grown a little weary of 'Shooting' and 'Hare and Hound'

and 'Shooting Hare's and Hounds'
and 'Country Manor' holds no real lure for me nowadays 

so I felt quite fortunate when I stumbled across a 'Men's Health' Magazine 

which I perused gingerly in my Lordly way

but I hadn't leafed through much of it's delicate pagery

when I came to the conclusion that it should be renamed 

"Get amazing abs! Have amazing Sex! 

Oh and by the way - you know you're gay?"

(I bought a copy for Lord Fontleroy)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Good Old Advertising

Whatto! Peeps...

"Get Blitzed ...with Blatz!"

"May I suggest Madame visits our new 'Chubby' section?"

Toothache?....What toothache?

And don't worry about their teeth...There's always Cocaine!

Clearly aimed at men who need it spelt out to them...which is ALL of us!

(It also helps that she's having an affair with the Postman)

Our research also confirms that 95% of Camels smoke Doctors

An example of an early advert encouraging Homosexuality

With exciting 'On board' entertainment!...from Alphonse and his whimsical glove puppets!

Now you're Talking!

Spot the difference?

Another factor that works well as a weight loss programme is Cancer...

Remember the days when housewives were slim?...Me neither...

"Happy Xmas Darling..This gift will blow you away!"

Drinking Coke, sat in front of the Television...I wonder how that all started?

Men everwhere have experienced every kind of Hell thanks to this Ad

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Notices LOVE For Sale

What ho! Pepys....

....Lord Noel here....

I do LOVE certain Ladies magazines....

....but they have to be the right ones......

....the ones that ooze seduction....

...character and glamour...

....where the women in them....

....appear strong and independent....

....where age is no barrier to sexiness....

....and life experience is valued....

....where there's room for creative individuals....

...who may not always fit within society's 'norms'....

.....where they're willing to take a risk....

....to be daring....

....and shockingly controversial...

...in the most beautiful way....

....yes, there's no getting away from it....
....true beauty is far more than skin deep....

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Church News

What ho! Parishoners....

Thank God for church secretaries with typewriters. 
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletin:

 
The price for the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Please bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to all of the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. Please get involved. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. A selection of wind music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Why not come early and listen to our choir practice?

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and also the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!".

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Dessins Erotiques de Bertrand'

Whatto! Art enthusiasts.......

Today I want to introduce you to an artist named Bertrand......
The first question has to be "Bertrand who?"......
...or even....."Who Bertrand?"
Bertrand’s erotic surrealism first appeared in the late Sixties, going by the dates in collections of his work. Some of his paintings and drawings crept into the underground mags of the period then turned up in odd places throughout the Seventies.
A French porn publisher named Eric Losfeld produced a couple of large, limited edition collections of Bertrand’s work in the early Seventies.

All the drawings reproduced here are from the battered 1971 volume shown above.
If it seems surprising that these haven’t been reprinted it may be that Bertrand’s concerns are too weird or simply too unpleasant for contemporary tastes......
 ....but I personally like them.

Many of his ink drawings, and some of his paintings, seem to have begun life as 'decalcomania splotches', a Surrealist technique invented by Oscar Dominguez as a means of injecting chance into the creative process. Decalcomania produces random patterns which the artist then elaborates upon.

Max Ernst’s famous Europe After the Rain, and a number of his other paintings from the 1940s, began life as a field of vaguely organic marks created by pressing thickly applied paint to the canvas with a sheet of glass or paper.....
 ....and I used the same process whilst decorating my office recently.

Bertrand used ink stains in a similar way, with the result that most of his doe-eyed female figures (and his figures are nearly always women) are fringed by leafy or fungal growths.....(never a good thing)
Many of his scenes are a kind of lesbian equivalent of the human/alien entanglements one finds in William Burroughs’ more elaborate flights of fancy.

If his women aren’t being absorbed into some organic mass, they’re often being subject to investigation (even impalement) by spikes or claws, and here we perhaps find the reason his work remains out of print.
Feminists then and now would have taken a dim view of Bertrand’s more violent works; even if Taschen (whose artwork inspired the entire look of the 'Alien' film series) did produce a Bertrand collection, it’s unlikely that many of the more grotesque pictures would be included.

All the pictures in the Losfeld books were produced in a short period from 1967–69.
What happened to Bertrand afterwards also remains a mystery.

It turns out that the Artists full name is perhaps....Raymond Bertrand.
Did he decide to do pursue a different, more commercial direction?
And indeed........is he even still alive?
Tallyho!

Don't you just love being educated by a Lord who has plenty of spare time on his hands?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Says - See For Yourself

Whatto! Visually orientated persons....

Old magazines rather fascinate me.......

....the colours.....the illustrations......... all very quaint.

And some magazines have been around for years.......

.....as have the adverts for car insurance!

And so called 'Specialist' magazines have also been around for ages.......

....if there's enough interest in the subject matter.

Once colour photography entered the fray.......

....it seemed that ANYTHING was possible!

(Of course this was BEFORE the advent of 'Spellcheck')

As a newly inaugurated Chicken Farmer..........

....I was obviously very keen to see what publications existed.......

.....which could help me in my 'new career'.

So I did a 'Google' search.......

....... and came up with this.......

Not a bad start!

So I carried on.............

Finally.....I got what I was looking for.

Although some magazines were a little dubious............

I was glad to see that I wasn't alone in my search.......

....though I must admit.....

...this one seems like a massive boar!

It certainly helps when the title is 'snappy' and accurate.

I wonder what this one's about?

What surprised me.......

......... was the amazing diversity available.............

I didn't even know donkeys could talk!

Amazing!

And here's a publication specialising in 'Cakes for dogs'......

A 'Must' for anyone thinking of organising a dogs tea party.

I kept looking.......

....but some of the results......

...were just......

....well.......

....Rubbish.

Its always nice to know that the NHS is squandering our contributions on their own magazine........

....which is filled with pictures of nurses in uniform....

....so we can't moan.

Next up was 'Soldier of Fortune'.........

....a rugged publication.......

....for 'Action Men' everywhere..........

I read two pages.......

....then wanted to go out and buy a gun.......

.....and after nine pages...........

....I declared war on Switzerland!

The only problem that I can see with it.......

....is that it's referred to as 'SOF'.......

....which doesn't sound very rugged to me......

....in fact its three quarters of the way to being completely 'SOFT'......

....which is NEVER a good thing.

Apparently magazine editors put subliminal messages in their publications all the time.....

....to entice vulnerable readers.

Can you see what the subliminal message is here?.....

Yes!

It's "You can't be a parent without a Penis"

Very Good everyone!

Now try this one...............

This one's a bit more tricky......

....but its basically saying...........

"This girl is fifty and she doesn't look it.....the PIG!"

Some of the mags got me wondering where you might be expected to read them...........

....this one is clearly for someone eating outdoors..........

...maybe the pages are printed on serviettes?

....and this one is obviously for someone.......

....... who has just handed over their weekly pay packet.....

......for a faulty drum.

Whereas here the appeal is towards the youth market.......

Here we see some 'yoof'.......

.....and one of them has a doting grandmother........

I know this......

...because she has forced him to wear......
...the 'gangsta bling' necklace that she recently knitted for him.

It really doesn't seem to matter how 'niche' the reader is......

.....there's something for everyone.

For example.......

"Do you have a family?"

"Yes I do!"

"But do you live in New York?"

"Well.....no"

"Then this magazine is NOT for you!...........Find your OWN!"

Even if you're a little weird........

.....or quite a tall weird...........

...they've got you covered.

If you haven't seen anything yet........

...that appeals to YOU......

....don't despair!

You could easily end up.........

....with some sort of complex.......

....and we don't want that.......

.....or DO we?

If you are an old railway enthusiast.......

....or a young person interested in old railways........

.....don't bother with this publication..........
The 'STEAM' mentioned in the title.......

...is NOT the steam you seek.......

This 'STEAM' stands as a snappy acronym........

....for the ACTUAL target market.......

....."Science and Technology Enrichment for Appalachian Middle -schoolers"

Whereas this mag......

....does exactly what it says on the cover.
Thank goodness it's the Winter edition........

....... they had to wear clothing.

When you run out of names.........

....it's always best to be as inventive as possible........

....so that people with dyslexia can easily find you.

I don't believe the Editor researched his 'Target market' before allowing this mags cover to be used.......

Somehow it doesn't say 'Mankind' to me.......

....unless the Mankind they seek are those with an uneasy fondness for small children.

Equally.........
.....I believe this publication gives off the wrong message.

I would feel most uncomfortable picking this magazine from the top shelf and going to the till with it........

....unless I also had also purchased the 'sister' magazine.....

...."I love to eat alone"

This one sent me GaGa trying to work out the title.......

....I think it may be a 'fortune telling' mag.......

.....but that's not how you spell 'Rune'.

A good cover photo........

....is almost always guaranteed to get your readers interested.......

...or at least.......

.....have them laughing all the way to the check out.

Ancient skills such as knitting can be passed on through detailed instructions in knitting magazines like this one.......
....and after all the hours of tireless effort you put in to create such a design.......

When you first wear it......

....everyone will know......

...you make your own clothes.

Another skill which can readily be transferred into another past time is illustrated here......

By purchasing this magnificent magazine you will learn the secret skills that you will need to make a plane, a tank and a soldier in battle dress!

All you have to do now.........

....is learn French.

You may be the ambitious sort......

...in which case it's always good to be seen with a copy of this mag......

It shows others that you have the physical and mental determination.....

...to pit yourself against the trials of Nature......

....in brutal weather conditions.....

....until you finally reach your goal!

It also tells them.........

....you have no friends.

Maybe you're the sort .......

....who likes to demonstrate that they have the 'Power' in the home........

.....in which case........

.....this magazine was MADE for you.

Maybe you're the sort who likes to demonstrate.....

.....that they have 'Power' in the street.......

....well....

....look no further.

What if you're a youthful person?......

....who feels they are also very intelligent?

A flat and dry scientific journal isn't going to be your thing.....

.....but wait until you get this one between your teeth.

I found some magazines........

...were just far too obscure......

....even for my liberal tastes......

....and yet.....

....they also seemed......

....strangely facinating.

I honestly believe that the secret to a successful magazine........

....is to 'Keep it simple'

For example.......

.....say that you wished to produce a magazine......

....for .........

....jugglers!

What's a nice simple title......

...that even a juggler......

........ who's had heavy items falling on his head for several years......

.....could understand?

Perfect!

Okay....now here's a harder one.....

The target audience is......

..... black.....

....female.......

.....teachers......

....who specialise in......

....DANCE!

Thought of a title yet?

Brilliant!

Now let's try............

....drunken lawyers...........

Yes!

You've got it!

It really is just like........

......... addressing an envelope..........

......a simple case of.......

........ putting the right name on the front.......

....so that it ends up with......

.......the correct recipient.

Maybe you're someone who seeks love!

That elusive emotion......

...at one so powerful......

....yet leaving you feeling........

.....vulnerable......

.....and excited.....

....at the same time......

....longing for that 'special' person.........

.....to appear in your life......

....once more.

This edition is absolutely bulging with information.

And once you've finished reading this......

.....you'll slowly progress to this one.........

And end up with this one............

Which returns you once more to that 'faithful friend'........

....the timeless skill of knitting.

And you will be given the secrets of how to knt this wonderful 'geometric top'......

....with built-in 'marsupial pouch'......

....for your 'girl friend' to live in.
How handy!.....

....I hear you say.......

'Health' magazines abound on news stands everywhere........

.....whether it is to assist you with some disability you may have......

...or because you've taken to eating.......

....for some reason known only to you.......

....dangerously high levels of 'fructose'

Or......

you may have a heart condition.....

....in which case I would heartily recommend this soporific read.

Absolutley NOTHING to excite you here............

You may be someone who has a problem with falling over.......

....well here's your answer.

You may be superstitious.......

.....so 'Lucky' will do it for you.

(Buy thirteen copies....just to be sure)

Some people just like a magazine......

..that speaks THEIR language.

And you're bound to wonder about the title of this next mag..........

......it's the "Official Meetings Faculty Guide"

Yeah right!

No prizes for guessing what this next one's about.......

...it's about ladies who've married 'Older' men.

And if you have a tree phobia......

......look no further......

Or maybe your phobia ..........
....is even more unusual..............

...how about 'poets with too much body hair'?

Spot on!

You see..........

Whatever your 'bag' in life......

...there's a mag 'out there' for you.
Everyone is catered for......

.....there's even the promise of a long awaited magazine......

.....which is due out now.......

...but it's been held up for a number of reasons.......
....to such an extent......

that when it's finally published......

.....it will be the 2005 edition!

As long as there's no more delays........

........we should see it very soon.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel