Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...

Having been educated in an all boys school I was somewhat awkward around people...
...who I like to refer to simply as 'women'...
It was my personal therapist who finally enabled me to conquer my fears once and for all...
...when I told him of my love for my very first girlfriend...
...Kylie!

He told me...
"Lord Noel...if you really, really, really love someone...
...then why not just show them?! 
(Though maybe save the shrine with the life-sized replica model for the second date)."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 23 August 2013

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! peeps...

Being a man of great local standing and integrity I like to remind myself every now and then...
...of something my late Grandmother used to say to me...
...and because of what she said every time she was late...
...of why I got where I am today...
...right here...

...no...over here!

She said...
"It takes a lifetime to build a reputation 
- but only a moment to totally destroy it. 
Very much like self-assembly furniture."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 9 August 2013

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps..

Today's message is simply one of honesty and common sense...

"You can only become a better person by learning from your mistakes...so today why not go out and do something really, really stupid?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 14 January 2013

Lord Noel - It's Definitely Me!

Whatto! Pepys...


How many times..
..have you heard the phrase "It's not you - it's me!"...
...and felt your heart sink?
(Obviously I've never heard it)
But yesterday I overheard two people saying to each other "It's not you - it's me!"...
...and I actually felt happy for them!
Because it was just the twins 
- trying to sort out their holiday photos!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Life Lessons from Movies

What ho! Pepys...


As a regular Movie goer in my youth I can honestly say that they taught me everything I know about the World today and particularly people and how they will behave. Goodness knows how many times this information has saved my life! Now it may just save yours too! You're welcome!

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

-- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

-- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

-- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

-- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

-- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: EnterPassword Now.

-- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Lord Noel Talks All About YOU!


What ho! Pepys...


You are the end-point of your own genes' evolution. You are the descendant of survivors, each of whom bred successfully and never once failed – for 3.5 billion years!

Think about that for a moment. In a world in which, for very many individuals, an early death and failure to breed were by far the most likely outcome, not one single one of your ancestors failed to produce at least one offspring. If they had failed, your gene-line would have ended there and then.

You are the product of billions of passes through the sieve of selection and at every pass your gene-line passed the fitness test. You are good at surviving; and you are unique in the history of the cosmos. The likelihood of you being alive at all is almost vanishingly small and yet here you are. Never before has anyone with your individual combination of genes, your individual collection of atoms and your history existed.

And you never will again.

Your ancestors were there when Europe and Africa split off from the Americas. They were there as small mammal-like reptiles when dinosaurs ruled the earth. They saw pterodactyls flying overhead. They survived the mass-extinction which ended the dinosaurs reign.

Your ancestors swam in the pre-Cambrian seas and crawled out onto the land as early air-breathing fish destined to become land-based animals. Your ancestors lived through the Carboniferous era when dense forests of tree ferns grew in steaming jungles where dragonflies with meter-wide wings flew. The trees then fell and formed the deposits destined to be coal as the climate changed. They saw the first flowering plants as plants and insects formed their mutual-benefit society. Your ancestors lived through the first great toxic waste disaster when the blue-green algae produced oxygen and triggered a mass extinction; and they learned to turn it to their advantage by evolving aerobic respiration.

Your ancestors were bacteria; they were arcae; they may have been the strange edicarans which were the earliest known multi-cellular organisms. In almost every one of your cells, in your genes, you carry a record of your evolution, of the entire human evolution story, and of a great deal of the evolution story of every other living thing.

Your journey through space and time has been an adventure of disasters, adaptation, survival and recovery, many, many time you will have been on the brink of extinction - the fate of 99% of all known ancient species - yet your ancestors survived and because they were good at surviving you are here and now.

You will live for a mere flash in the time-scale of the universe but in the vast darkness of the cosmos there can surely be few flashes as bright as your bright spark of consciousness.

Be proud. Be very proud. But at the same time be humbled by the enormity of the events which produced you and the fragility of it all.

Stars died and because they died, you live. You are made by stars out of stardust and in a very real sense, because you are made of the same stuff the universe is made of and are a part of it, there is something even more wonderful about you. Through you, though not just through you, and maybe not just here on this small planet, the universe has gained self awareness and can begin to understand itself. Through you it can stand on the surface of this beautiful little jewel in the cosmos, can look up in awe at itself and think “Wow!”
You’re special. You are unique and you were nearly 14 billion years in the making.

That’s your story. Enjoy it while it lasts.

And please bear in mind also that every other human being; every mammal; every bird, insect, spider, fish, or worm; every plant; indeed, every other living thing, has made the same journey you have made. Each is unique and the descendant of survivors. Each has an unbroken gene-line going right back to the first replicator. They are your relatives. Like you they are part of the whole web of interdependent things we call life on earth.

To end their life will end their gene-line for the first and only time in the history of the universe. Something which has taken nearly 14 billion years to produce and 3.5 billion years to perfect will have been extinguished forever.

Each of them is worthy of respect and each of them deserves the one opportunity to experience life that chance has given them.

Life is rare, precious and wonderful.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Lord Noel's Thought For The Day

What ho! Pepys...

It's surprising how educated one can appear...
...just by using a carefully constructed sentence at exactly the right moment...
So Today: Why not try to use this classy euphemism during a conversation?... 
"I'm just going to send some chocolate to the dolphins!"


You're Welcome!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

What ho! Pepys...


Here's something profound that I learned from a Gentleman clown during my visit to our local Circus on Lady Jacqueline's Birthday...
He said to me...
"Lord Noel! Before you start criticising clowns...
...you should try walking a mile in their shoes."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...

I will always remember something that our sweet, young,
cocaine addicted Portuguese cleaner once said to me...

She said... 
"Lord Noel...if we all come from dust...
..and we all go back to dust...
..why do we bother dusting?"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Lord Noel Gets Clever

Whatto! Peeps....


I was in the A & E 
when I was given an IOU 
so I immediately suspected 
vowel play.

Tallyho!
(sorry)
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Lord Noel's War On Drugs

Whatto! Peeps...

Clive sadly became addicted to sniffing his own armpit
Today I'd like to ask you all something very important.
Are you a Drug addict?
Put your hand down if your just addicted to normal Pharmeceutical products that your Doctor has told you are 'good for you' (hey good luck with that!).
No - I'm talking about the Drug addict we are all supposed to imagine when the Government uses phrases like 'War On Drugs' (whatever that means) - the 'hardened user'!
If you are a 'hardened user' - this Summer why not enjoy one of our rare sunny days 
with some Pimms and needles?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 30 December 2011

Lord Noel's New Found Resolve

What ho! Pepys...


Normally at this time of year people make resolutions...
...that they intend to carry out for the rest of the new year.
Mine is quite simple...
I must stop strangling my mother!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Lord Noel on Time Travel

Whatto! Peeps...


I will miss the clocks 
when they go back... 
but apparently 
they really miss their home planet 
and long to see 
its copper skies again
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 7 October 2011

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...
Mr Reynolds

Our schooldays can be some of the most informative times....
...I was educated in an 'All Boys' school...
...with very strict 'Masters' as they liked to be called...
....who would regularly thrash us for breathing too loudly in class.
I can honestly say that it did me no harm at all!
Our English Teacher, Master Reynolds, was particularly influencial on my life....
...and I always remember one incident where he called me to the front of the class...
...to discuss an essay I'd written...
...whilst tweaking my ear between his thumb and forefinger...
"Lord Noel..."
...he said...
"Lif is too short!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 26 September 2011

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...

Here's something I learned from a singer
who was also an old girlfriend
...she really had a thing for me...
...no I mean she REALLY had a thing for me!...

She said...
"Lord Noel there ain't no mountain high enough, 
ain't no valley low enough, 
ain't no river wide enough...
...so the restraining order is useless!" . . .


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 19 September 2011

Lord Noel Ponders The Question

Whatto! Peeps...
Mr Wallington 'Wally' Wallaby

It can't have escaped your notice that lots of people keep asking the question "Where's Wally?"
But it occurred to me that nobody ever thinks to ask "How's Wally?".
When one considers the lengths that Wally goes to, to remain hidden, I can't help feeling that there must be lots of serious and deep running 'issues' present here.
I'm starting to think maybe Wally is on the run from something?......or someone?
He may even be a war criminal!...
In which case we should stop asking the question "Where's Wally?" and begin asking the question "Why Wally?"



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 2 September 2011

Lord Noel's Thought For The Day

Whatto! Peeps...

Today's 'Thought For The Day' is something I read on the wall of my local Chinese takeaway whilst I was waiting for my order of 'Chicken Curry & Chips'...
(Mmmmm...I simply LOVE foreign food!)...

It said...
"A stronger person always forgives first. 
So today why not slap someone really big and wait to see what happens?" . . .

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Lord Noel's Thought For The Day

Whatto! Peeps...

Todays 'Thought for the day' is an old proverb that a Mongolian man named Neville taught me whilst I sat with him on the foothills outside his rickety old wooden temple....

He said "Lord Noel...
Fool me once, shame on you. 
Fool me twice, shame on me. 
Fool me three times...
...and I'll smash your face in!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Lord Noel Poses Some Questions That Simply MUST Be Answered!

What ho! Philosophers..................

There are a number of questions that have been bothering me for some time now........

I know Gordon Brown is preoccupied with the economy and suchlike............

But as our so-called 'leader' I turned to him when I recently sent him orf........

...... my list of "Questions that simply MUST be answered"!....................


Is it possible to cry under water? .......(especially if your chain comes orf!)

Just how important does a person have to be before they are considered 'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?

Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?


What disease did ham actually have before it was 'cured'?

How is it that a man was put on the moon (if you believe such things) before we realised it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, should it still be called a 'hearing'?

How is it that people are IN a movie, but ON TV?

When people pay to go up tall buildings why do they then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? .......................Wallop! by the way!

Why do toasters always have a setting on them that burns the toast to a horrible carbonated crisp, which no decent human being could possibly want to eat?

If 'corn oil' is made from corn, and 'vegetable oil' is made from vegetables, what is 'baby oil' made from?

Why do the 'Alphabet song' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?

And why did you find yourself just trying to sing those two songs?

And how is it that when you blow in a dog's face it irritates them but when you take them for a drive, they have to stick their head out the window?

(........To date I have received NO reply!)


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel