Wednesday 31 July 2013

Lord Noel on Fancy Dress

 
Whattho! Pepys...


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
 
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A  few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
 
Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
 
 
Dear  Sir,
Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.  The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:
 
 
Dear  Sir,
Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 29 July 2013

Lord Noel's Inexplicable Horoscopic Skills

Whattho! Peepys...



Today: Saggithairyarse

The Planets have told me..
...to tell you... 
...that they wish you to...
Dance like nobody's watching you... 
...because the people who are watching you...
...like it when you dance.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 27 July 2013

Lord Noel on Crime

Whatho! Pepys...



I am excited to announce to all my readers that...
The "2013 Shoplifter Of The Year" competition is now open. 
(No purchase necessary).

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Thursday 25 July 2013

Lord Noel's Household Tips

Whatho! Pepys...


There are so many fantastic new inventions in the world today.
I know many Christians who regularly bless the baby Jesus for all these lovely new fangled products.
Many of these wonderful items are also multi-purpose!
(ie. they can do things other than the purpose for which they were intially purchased)
For example:
DID YOU KNOW?

A 'George Foreman Grill' makes an ideal trouser press for corduroy shorts.

You're Welcome!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 23 July 2013

Lord Noel Goes Shopping

Whatho! Pepys...

 
I was shopping recently when a woman at the checkout asked me "Would you like Cash back?" 
I thought for a few moments about her genuine query and then replied "Yes I would..
..I miss his deep gravelly voice & rebellious yet humble demeanour"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 21 July 2013

Lord Noel's on Interesting Facts

Whatho! Pepys..



DID YOU KNOW?
That the longest ever marathon was 26 miles and 185 yards long?


It took six months to eat.

Tallyho! 
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 18 July 2013

Lord Noel on God's 'Hard Sell'

Whatho! Pepys....

I've been receiving some very mixed messages from God.





And so do many of his Ministers





And it'll be 'our little secret'....

This one's true!

Or you could just use KY?



Wasn't Peter the one who smelt of fish?



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 15 July 2013

Lord Noel on How To Spot Someone Having Traditional Fun During The English Summer Months

Whatho! Pepys...

It's Summer!
So I like to try to get out more and see if I can spot anyone enjoying themselves.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 13 July 2013

Lord Noel Gets the Hang of this Shopping Lark

Whatho! Pepys...


As our Butler was orf sick (again), I decided to participate in the very popular past time of 'Shopping'. I am proud to say that I was able to negotiate the aisles at the Supermarket with a metal trolley that seemed to have a mind of its own. Once I'd selected the items I then heard a tannoy announcement calling for "All Red Leaders to Support" which is a secret code I was not unfamiliar with from my time in the Foreign Office. So I headed over to the gathering throngs at the till and waited patiently behind a girl in a short queue.  So far so good....
As I stood there I noticed from the purchases she had laid out on the conveyor that she had bought the following items:

1 bar of soap 
1 toothbrush 
1 tube of toothpaste 
1 loaf of bread 
1 pint of milk 
1 single serving of cereal 
1 single frozen dinner 

I looked at the young lady as her items were being processed and smiled at her saying, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiled back sheepishly and replied, "Why Yes Lord Noel....How did you guess?......
.....Oh no wait! I know....it's because I bought 'one' of everything right?!"
"No!" I said, "It's because you're ugly."



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 11 July 2013

Lord Noel - Food

Whatho! Pepys...

I was always told not to play with my food.
But thankfully someone had the sense to ignore that advice!









Tallyho!
Best Wishes Lord Noel

Tuesday 9 July 2013

Sunday 7 July 2013

Lord Noel Tries To Understand Women

Whatho! Pepys...


As a self confessed expert on all things feminine I am often asked...
"Lord Noel.. How do you understand so much about women, their needs and desires?"
And I tell them I base everything in my feminist vocabulary
on small adverts I have read in very old newspapers.
Adverts such as this helped me make sense of women's desire to improve their looks...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 5 July 2013

Lord Noel's Sign Language Course

Whattho! Pepys...


It was Winston Churchill who first made famous the V for Victory sign
as he convinced everyone that firghting another war would make everything okay.
But I find it confusing when Soldiers make the same sign -
I can only presume this is because they believe themselves to be 'Fighting for Peace'?

The variation on this sign is made with a quick twist of the wrist...
...and usually indicates something else entirely.
As can be seen in Churchills reply to the remaining soldiers who returned home after World War 2 asking if the Government was going to honour it's pledge to treat them all as 'returning heroes'



This is now a universally recognised sign that is used internationally-
...but not necessarily with the same meaning.














So now you know!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel