Lord Noel on Criminal Minds

Undercover Police spring into action in special Squads

Whatto! Peeps....
According to Mid-Day, a popular news service in Mumbai, a gang of thieving eunuchs are hypnotising unwitting housewives and relieving them of their valuables:

Asha Dilip Pandit, 55, was chatting with her daughter Shivali, 26, a teacher, when two eunuchs entered their home. Shivali gave them some cash but the eunuchs refused to leave, while one of them asked for a glass of water. While Shivali was getting them water the other eunuch asked for tea.
One of the eunuchs followed Shivali into the kitchen. The other sat at the entrance of the house and told Asha that according to Vaastu Shastra, her entrance was in the wrong direction. This, she was told, was the main cause of suffering in the family.
The eunuch then asked for an empty glass, water and salt. They asked Asha and Shivali to watch the glass, and hypnotised them. They stole Asha’s mangalsutra and gold chain, Shivali’s gold ring and her father’s ring
“The eunuch entered my house at 10.45 am. We regained consciousness at 12.30 pm. We don’t remember anything that happened in between,” said Asha. They later managed to piece together the story after one of their neighbour’s told them that a eunuch was seen standing outside the house.
On realising they were looted, the family registered an FIR at LT Marg police station. The incident apparently is a common one in the area.
“We have carried out several raids to trace the gang of eunuchs who are hypnotising people before looting them. We have carried out searches at Kamathipura, Tardeo, Mahim, Bandra, Colaba and Bhandup areas,” said a police officer.

We would like to remind our readers to steer well clear of anybody making non-sequiterial requests for liquids and salts anywhere within your vicinity and to guard your family jewels with renewed vigilance.

I'd say a crime like this takes balls... but apparently I'm wrong
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Crime

Whatho! Pepys...

I am excited to announce to all my readers that...

The "2013 Shoplifter Of The Year" competition is now open. 

(No purchase necessary).

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Attends The Police Ball

What ho! Pepys...

We were lucky enough to be invited to the Police Fancy Dress Ball

which raises lots of lovely money for those less fortunate than myself.

During the evening we also played some well-loved Party Games.

I even tried pinning the tail on the donkey...

...but there just wasn't enough evidence.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Taking Stock

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday on our Village Green I found myself discussing the merits of the old fashioned tradition of putting criminals into stocks and then throwing things like rotten tomatoes at them..

...when I was suddenly fingered for a crime I didn't commit!

Oh well.... I suppose there are worse punishments.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On New York

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline had a lovely time in New York - enjoying a girlie weekend with some friends.
And she has often mentioned since that we should travel there as a couple.
But recent news reports are concerning me a great deal.
The shooting there by Jeffrey Johnson of his former boss was well televised and ended when Johnson and nine bystanders were shot.
I gather Mayor Bloomberg laments the amount of guns there are in American society and I fully expected him to use this an another tragic example of the 'American problem' to sway citizens to disarm en masse.
However - it has already come to light (remarkably when one considers how biased the media have been in the Lasange case) that ALL NINE BYSTANDERS WERE SHOT BY POLICE!
WTF?
I honestly believed that American police officers received training in how to fire guns!
But if they DID it would make these shooting deliberate!... and that can't be the case - can it?
It must be just down to the fact that the American Police are completely incompetent.
Maybe I'll cancel my trip to NYC and use the money instead to buy some target practise for the NYPD.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel Gets Arrested!

Whatto! Peeps...

When I was arrested recently 

for "using unpleasant malapropisms in a built-up area". 

I knew it was time...

...to face the mucus.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Examines Discretion V Duty

Whatto! Pepys...

I had just hired a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of my hair and I decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, I suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind me. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," I thought to myself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit me. "What am I doing?" I thought and pulled over. The Police Officer came up to me, took my license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

I thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

Then the Officer said "Lord Noel - Have a nice weekend!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel asks "Do You Do Voodoo?"

Whatto! Peeps.....

I was away on a long business trip, so I thought I'd buy my wife a nice present....
....something to keep her occupied. 
I went from one shop to another, unable to find anything remotely suitable and finally made my way to a sex shop and explained my situation. 
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!"

"The what?" I said

The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what looked to me to be an ordinary dildo.

I laughed, and said, "It looks just like any other dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The Voodoo penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

I was so impressed - I immediately bought it. 
I sent it home, gift wrapped, to my wife with a note explaining what it was. 
Apparently after a few days, my wife received the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, crotch." 
The Voodoo penis shot to her crotch. 
She told me later that it was absolutely incredible! 
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. 
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in the 'on' position. 
(I had neglected to tell her how to turn it off!). 
So she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the hospital.

On the way there she had another incredibly intense orgasm which made her swerve all over the road. 
A passing police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

"Yeah right.." the officer said, looking down at her for a second or two in disbelief whilst reaching for his pocketbook and pen.
Then shaking his head, he then bent down to speak to her through the driver's window, and continued, "Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Hardened Thieves

Whatto! Peeps...

I've remained silent for long enough!

So I'll have to just come out with it and say...

...Kleptomaniacs who steal mirrors and viagra...

...should take a long hard look at themselves!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Police Witnesses

Whatto! Peeps.....

New Zealand Police say they have started a criminal investigation into the activities of Patrick O'Brien after he wrote to Chief Justice Dame Sian Elias and former Police Commissioner Howard Broad, saying he was "Racked with guilt after carrying a 'dreadful secret' for more than 30 years."
Mr O'Brien, an undercover Police officer during drugs operations between 174 and 1977, was the star witness in court trials but he later confessed he lied on oath every time he testified.
His confession was made in November 2007 and police hired Wellington lawyer Bruce Squire, QC, to investigate.
He interviewed Mr O'Brien in July 2009 and reviewed court files, and a copy of his completed inquiry is now with police.
Detective Inspector Bruce Scott, of Waitemata CIB, emailed Mr O'Brien last week asking if there was any other information he had which "may assist me in determining any criminal liability, or are there other persons that you consider need to be spoken to that could assist an inquiry relating to these matters"?
Mr O'Brien told the newspaper he would co-operate fully with the inquiry and plead guilty to any charges.
In his confession, he said he could not guess the number of people who were sent to prison because of his lies because he stopped counting arrests at 150, half-way through his three-year undercover stint.
He lied to the courts and juries to get convictions in every case, he said. As well, he was often high on drugs, including cannabis, cocaine, heroin and LSD - but never during trials.
Tampering with evidence was common and exhibits before the court were often not the drugs he had bought from the target.
However, the shame and stress of the work broke him and he resigned and fled New Zealand, "haunted, traumatised and scared".
"My life had since been a tragic waste and I have never lost the demons that rush around in my head." he added.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes- Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Crime Prevention Tips

Whatto! Peeps.....

People keep asking me "How can I prevent myself being a victim of Crime?" and I say to them "Why ask me?...Do I look like a Bally Policeman?".....and some of them say "Yes!" so I've put together this list of Crime Prevention tips which are guaranteed to stop you being a victim of crime....or your money back!

1. You can start by taking simple measures like leaving a card in the front windows of your house which reads "No valuables kept in this house overnight".

2. If you are planning to leave your property vacant for any length of time just nip over to see your neighbours before you go. If you prise open one of their windows it will make their home a far more attractive proposition for burglars than yours.

3.  Why not give Burglars a taste of their own medicine by taking action before you go on holiday? Simply smash up the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer and defecate on the carpet!

4. Avoid the embarrassment of appearing on the front pages of tomorrows National newspapers with a badly beaten, puffy face by always making sure that you keep massive amounts of cash in your home. Newspapers only report on attacks where a paltry amount has been stolen.

5. Always write your PIN number on the back of your bank cards! When you put it into the cash machine you won't be able to read it, but if you read it just before insertion and then repeat it over and over to yourself in a loud voice you will easily remember it!

6. If you are a car owner, why not paint an orange stripe down the side of your car? The simple addition of a cornflake packet on the roof with 'POLICE' written on it will deter even the most fool-hardy of thieves, especially as it's a statistical fact that none of them can read!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Job Description

Whatto! Peeps....

Whilst I was "flying" down the road yesterday, I passed over a bridge only to find a Police Officer with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The Officer pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk that we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I of course replied, "I'm late for an appointment."
"Oh yeah," the Officer scoffed, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum extenderist," I responded.
He looked confused, "A what?............"
"A rectum extenderist!" I repeated patiently...
"And just what does a rectum extenderist do?"
"Well," I explained, "I start by inserting one finger into the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then, once my whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both my hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it...............
...............until it's about six feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun..."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Phoning A Friend

Whatto! Peeps...

They say that England has the best Justice system in the World!

I don't know who 'they' are...

...or why they persist in saying such things....
(apart, of course, from having a vested interest)...

...but they do.

And we are certainly an extremely humane society.....

.....if this story is anything to go on:

Two teenagers ....

....were found naked....

.....enjoying a joint......

...(no not having a BBQ!)...

...I am reliably informed it was a type of 'joint'....

.....otherwise known as a 'Spliff' ....

......and they were in a well known fountain in London.....

...quite close to Buck House and good old Liz.....

....so they were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana.

(I'm surprised it was warm enough in Britain to do such a thing - they were clearly deranged!)

Anyway.....So far....

...so good!
Once they'd all arrived at the Police Station.....

....the arresting officer (unable to reach either parent)....

.....allowed each of them to make one phone call in private.
A half hour later, a man arrived at the Public Enquiry desk at the front of the station.
The Clerk on duty rang through to the Custody Sergeant to explain....

....and the Sergeant said, "I suppose it's the kids' lawyer?"
"Nope," the Clerk replied. "It's just a bloke delivering their pizzas!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Wonders Which Service Do You Require?

Whatto! Fantasists.....

If ....

...like me...

....you find yourself.......

.....from time to time....

...in an uncontrollable state.....

...of passion....

....how do you resolve it?

Tampa Bay police dealt with a young man ......

.....a 29-year-old male named Joshua Basso......

.....who decided to ring the Police.....

....and make sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher....

...asking her if he could come to her house ....

....and .....do things.

Investigators say she hung up on him......

....but he called her back.....

....five more times.

He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home address.....

.....and charged with making a false 911 calls.

Basso told officers "I didn't think I would get into trouble for calling 911......

......it was the only number I could dial after running out of cell phone minutes".

Tallyho!

Do you have uncontrollable fantasies about members of the uniformed profession.....you sick pervert!?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Says Take It Away

What to! Old Folks..... 

Dorothy Densmore, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is an 86-year-old woman......

....who is 5ft tall and weighs seven stone.

She rang her local Pizza Parlour to order a Pizza......

......but during the telephone conversation.......

....someone at the shop called her a "crazy old coot".

That made Dorothy angry.

And becuase she was angry (and hungry).....

....she naturally did .....

...what most old people would do......

.....in exactly the same situation.....

.....she rang the Police.

She rang them quite a few times......

....twenty times in thirty eight minutes to be exact......

....demanding that Police immediately arrest the Pizza Proprietors.

Unfortunately for Dorothy.....

...the Police didn't appreciate her calls for action......

....and they decided to visit her at her home.

But by the time they arrived......

....Dorothys temper had gone beyond the point of 'no return'.

The fiery octogenarian launched herself at Police Officers.....

....scratching....

....kicking.....

....and biting the hand of the Officer.

Dorothy was then arrested for making the 911 calls and resisting arrest......

.....and taken to the local Police station.....

....where she was given......

....a nice meal....yes...

PIZZA!

Tallyho!

Have you ever been arrested by Police for a food-related incident?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Being Over The Limit

Whatto! Police Officers.....

I read that two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic
police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar
gun recently....
.....happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists,
when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an
unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
Having shaken and tapped the 'gun' in the prerequisite
manner the mystery was suddenly explained seconds later
as a low flying jet hurtled over their heads.

 

The boys in blue, apparently upset at the damage caused
to their radar gun, put in a formal complaint to the RAF......
..... but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe........
They reported that "The jet's target-seeker had locked on
to the 'enemy' radar......
and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface
missile attack"........
Luckily, this particular jet was operating unarmed. 

Have you been given a speeding ticket whilst flying a jet? 

 Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Thinks It's A Crime

What ho! Victims.........
When we think of criminals .....
....the stereotypical image of a man in a mask wearing a striped top (like the one above) often spring to mind.
But two friends of ours recently had an interesting experience which changed their view of things.
They went out shopping for most of the day.....
....and when they returned to where they had parked their car........
...they found it had been stolen.
They looked high and low......
....to make sure they hadn't made a mistake......
....but the car was definitely gone!
So they went to the local police station to make a full report.
An officer took the details........
...... and then drove them back to the parking area to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
Something which would help to identify the dastardly criminal who had committed this heinous act! To their amazement, the car has been returned!
And there is a post-it note on the windscreen......
...... with a sort of apology..... .......and two concert tickets.
The note read, “I apologise for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital........
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of David Bowie the pop music star. We hope you enjoy it.”

Suddenly their image of the person who had wronged them changed dramatically.........
Their faith in humanity was restored...........
....and the couple attend the concert and had a great time.......returning home late.
They then find that their house had been burgled.
Valuable goods had been taken from throughout the house.............
...from the basement to the attic.
And there, on the front door.........
...... was a note.........
which read...........
...... “Well, you still have your car.......
........ But I have a new born son to take care of!”

What Criminal have YOU felt sorry for?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Austrian Police

Whatto! Travellers..........

These are the men who are going to save the planet!

Yes.......fine, upstanding, Austrian Police.

Specifically, the police in the City of Graz, Austria.......

...... because they do not like it one bit.....

........ when a person they are questioning gets 'funny' with them.

Hansi Sporer, a 20 year old native Austrian man, recently felt the full wrath of the Austrian Police.........

.....when he was given an 'on the spot' fine of £45 by the Officers..............

.....for breaking wind!

Apparently Sporer was in the process of being questioned by Police in the street when he strained one orf........

...very loudly.......

....causing passers-by in the street to laugh........

.....and the Police Officers involved to feel immediately humiliated.

A Police spokesperson later said "He clearly intended to make a laughing stock of the Officers........this was no accident and he got what he deserved"

But I think we know the REAL reason..........

....if EVERYONE behaved in this way......

....the accumulated greenhouse gases......

....would soon make Austria as hideously polluted as ..........

....somewhere dreadful.........

.....like Slough.

No!

The Police MUST help us all......

........ to save the Planet.......

.....against Pollution Terrorists like Sporer.....

....and we should be having NONE of it!

That's why 'The Safety and Security Act' allows Austrian police to issue instant fines to people who insult or attack them.....

...with noxious words or gases...

..the signs are quite clear........

Lawyers for Sporer, from Frohnleiten, near Graz, argued that his outburst had been accidental. "This was an abuse of a serious law intended to protect police officers from serious attacks by members of the public not some trivial incident,"

But, in the end Mr. Sporer opted for the easier (and cheaper) solution of paying the fine rather than fighting his defence..........

.........deciding to put this whole gaseous incident........ behind him.

Might I suggest that another suitable punishment for similar offenders would be two weeks solitary confinement..........

....wearing this snazzy outfit..........

....which is designed to allow the wearer......

.......the full enjoyment of ALL their personal odours.

I guarantee there'd be NO re-offending.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's American Police Quotes

Whatto! law enforcers.........

The following Police Comments were apparently taken from actual police car videos around the USA........



"Relax, the handcuffs are only tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you've worn them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail very tired."
 
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's thespeed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
 
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I canwrite anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
"Your answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not ok?..... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you goto ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "
 
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
"In God we trust, all others we run through the computer"
 
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
 
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
"I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friendof yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"Oh so you didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here please."



Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lady Jacqueline Calls Police!

Well....there I was sitting quietly in the lounge, enjoying a glass of champers & reading a thoroughly interesting book...when I heard the most loud bang somewhere in the local vicinty! Being a Lady and alone in the manor (Lord H was playing a whist game at the local gentleman's club) I was scared out of my wits, I called the Police.

Can you imagine my disappointment when this turned up!

Well, honestly, I felt like a criminal myself when I saw what they'd sent to apparently help me!

A large, gruff & horribly impolite little man.

Naturally, I complained in the strongest terms and called the Private Police...just 3 minutes later, this fabulous policeman turned up....

He had me sorted in no time! & the little darling even brought more champange!

He stayed for...let me think now...5 minutes, or was it 5 hours?....Oh! I really don't recall....but then I was very verrry drunk! ;-)

Here's to a few more loud bangs in the night! Whatto!

Toodle pip for now!

Lady J

x