Lord Noel's - Tips For The Lonely

Whatto! Peeps....

Sometimes I get lonely people writing to me, so to avoid any more letters like that I have written this list of things to make their life slightly more bearable.

1. Always keep a tin of brightly coloured red paint inside your car. That way, if you happen to witness an accident as you are driving along you can quickly pour it over yourself and pretend you were involved.

2. Divide your garden into a grid using small posts and lengths of string. You can now phone anyone in the world and describe to them your EXACT position, enabling them to plot it on a piece of graph paper in the comfort of their own home.

3. Each day of your life, make a detailed list of everything you do and then hand it in to your local Police station. Now, if a major crime occurs, officers can easily eliminate you from their enquiries.

4. Intelligent people always wear glasses. So to make yourself appear more intelligent simply use a spoon to make a red mark across the top of your nose.

5. Make your neighbours think you've bought an expensive snake such as a Python by going out into the back garden and simply placing a fork in your mouth and hissing loudly whilst wrapped up inside an old carpet.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Tramp Tips

Whatto! Peeps....

Many tramps were once quite talented people (like actors) so try your best to avoid them

I saw a programme on homeless people the other day and it made me mad! Why don't these so called 'homeless people' simply follow my simple tips to make life easier for themselves?

1. When your clothes get so dirty that they begin to smell quite heavily of bodily secretion, simply take them all into an Oxfam shop. You can call back later and buy a similar item for about 50 pence!

2. To avoid getting moved on all the time by Police, why not sleep outside large department stores? That way, if you car asked to move on you can simply explain that you are waiting for their sale to begin.

3. If you go to the supermarket only to find that you have no money on you, avoid embarrassment by using some tomato ketchup from the display to pretend you have a nose bleed. In this way you will be taken to the toilet by a member of staff and you can remain there until the store has closed.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Wisdom

What ho! Pepys...

Isn't it strange how saying "There's more than one way to skin a cat" makes you wise...

... but saying "There are exactly 312 ways to skin a cat" makes you a psycho?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Schooling

What ho! Pepys...

At breaktimes Teachers saw their Staffroom as a 'place where they could unwind'

I vividly remember... 

my first day at school. 

To overcome my shyness...

I just pictured everyone totally naked.

Then I kept giving this fat kid a dead arm...

...until he cried. 

I was never really cut out for teaching.

Tallyho! 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Makes Medicine Easy

What ho! Pepys...

People think that being trained as a Doctor is really difficult work.

Well I'm not even a proper Doctor 

but even I know that a man's body parts 

are organised in alphabetical order 

which is why you will find his perineum 

located between the anus and the scrotum.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Wordlyness

Whatto! Americans & Wordsmiths....

....Lord Noel here....

I would like to wish all our American cousin peeps a very happy July the 4th...
...and hope that you all enjoy the corresponding celebrations associated with the aforementioned Anniversary.
I couldn't help noticing that you are still using (and slowly destroying I might add) our beautiful English language....whereas I would have expected a truly independent country to have invented it's own language by now?
Noel Coward once said that England and America are "Two countries divided by a common language."
But what would he know?....and he was never a Lord!
Speaking as a Lord I simply love the English language.......
....and before it goes completely 'down the pan' I would like to suggest some new definitions for words which are already in use....
Perhaps all you Yankee chaps and chapesses could slowly introduce them over there for me?
Thanks awfully...
Here they are:

Flabbergasted (adj.), this is when you are appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (n.), an explanation attempted whilst drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), finally realising you're impotent.

Negligent (adj.), when you absent mindedly answer the door in your wife's nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.

Rectitude (n.),the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Believes Men Can Fix ANYTHING!

Whatto! Peeps......

Look at my drill..........you know you want to.............

Some people say "Men are useless!"......

....and some people say "Lord Noel is totally useless!"

....but, in doing so, they are severely underestimating a Man's ability......

.....to get things done.

There have been times in my life when I have avoided DIY like the plague...

...and so far, I've haven't contracted the Plague - so my system WORKS!....

But I recently decided to face up to the many DIY challenges which have been stacking up before me....

.....DIY challenges created by friends and family......

.....and in facing and overcoming these challenges, I have gained some valuable insights into a hitherto unknown part of my wondrous personality!

And who knows?......

I MAY soon become known....

......as Lord Fixer!

Here are just SOME of the jobs I've tackled!...

Job 1 - 'Larger TV Cabinet modification'

Job 2 - 'Constructing a waterproof Satellite system'

Job 3 - 'Creating a cheap shelf support system'

And now you can forget about needing to use a Mechanic!.....

....my new-found skills have allowed me to carry out the following complex modifications to mechanically propelled vehicles......

.....probably known to you 'Non-mechanics' as 'CARS'......

Job 4 - 'Quick and simple broken seat belt remedy'

Job - 5 ' In-car stereo upgrade'

Job 6 - 'Foolproof exhaust support system'

Job 7 - 'Eye level Sat Nav system'

Job 8 - 'Wiper system - with manual over-ride'

Job 9 - 'Right hand drive conversion kit'

As my confidence grew......

.....I turned my DIY skills to 'lifestyles enhancements'.....

Job 10 - 'The portable hotplate'

Job 11 - 'The multifunctional cooler cabinet'

Job 12 - 'The Baby Feeder'

Job 13 - One I'm particularly proud of.... 'The Foon'

Job 14 - 'Plug securing mechanism'

Job 15 - 'The Porta-Potty'

 And finally my 'Piece d'resistance'.....

Job 16 - 'The Electricity Generator'

Right.......

.....what's next?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Learning Curvatures

Whatto! Peeps......

Even though it is still only January....

.....I have already learned so many new things this year....

I've learned why the Eastern European cleaner we've just hired takes five hours to hoover our house.......because she's a Slovak.
And why I’ve been charged with GBH for injuring a man with sandpaper, when I only intended to rough him up a bit.

And why, after a night of drink, drugs and wild sex my friend Bill woke up to find himself next to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. Then he realised he had made it home safely.

And why, when I thought I'd show that I am a true gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady.....two minutes later she shouts "will you sod off.  I'm trying to have a sh1t!!” And why my Marriage advice for Kate Middleton would always be - "If you get divorced make sure you always wear a seatbelt..." 
And why two women called at my door asking me questions about what bread I ate, and when I said "white" they gave me a lecture for thirty minutes on the benefits of brown bread because they were Hovis Witnesses.
And why, when a Muslim man was shot in the head with a starting pistol, police are saying it’s definitely race related. And also why, due to the water shortage in Ireland , the swimming baths in Dublin have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

And finally, why I came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything taken.  What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel on Local Entertainment

Whatto! Peeps....

Old Tony's Grandad....Getting his finger out

'Old Tony' is our notorious local drunk.....
He is someone with a long and chequered history ....
....and it's often difficult to separate the fact from the fiction....
He was in the bar one night begging Steve the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money.
In desperation, Old Tony said, "Listen, I have this unusual talent with which I entertained heads of state many years ago. I was a fully trained flatulist and I can fart the tune of the national anthem.
If I climb up on your bar and entertain your patrons by farting the national anthem, will you please give me one more drink?"

Steve thought about it for a few moments then agreed to the deal, so Old Tony, without hesitation, climbed up onto the bar and, without further ado, dropped his pants! 
We all watched in fascination as Old Tony began grunting and straining and, much to everyones surprise and disgust, had a tremendous bowel movement....
.....right there on the bar!

Steve looked understandably shocked and disgusted as he reached for a dustpan and brush.....
......but Old Tony was insistent....."Just a minute, just a minute." he wailed, "If I was a singer, you wouldn't be mad if I had to clear my throat!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Job Description

Whatto! Peeps....

Whilst I was "flying" down the road yesterday, I passed over a bridge only to find a Police Officer with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The Officer pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk that we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I of course replied, "I'm late for an appointment."
"Oh yeah," the Officer scoffed, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum extenderist," I responded.
He looked confused, "A what?............"
"A rectum extenderist!" I repeated patiently...
"And just what does a rectum extenderist do?"
"Well," I explained, "I start by inserting one finger into the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then, once my whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both my hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it...............
...............until it's about six feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun..."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Will 2011 Be The Same Old Shit?"

Whatto! Peeps......

I find myself at a veritable crossroads.....
....wondering....
....should I take the plunge or not?
It's going to take a great deal of commitment on my part.....
...and a great deal of understanding from my friends and family....
...but in the end.....
...it could help Save the Planet!
I'm finding myself drawn more and more to the idea of using an Eco Toilet (or Composting Toilet) as a means of composting household waste and 'humanure' as it is known by enthusiastic aficionados.....
It started with the Wood Cutters Cottage on Grand Designs.....
...an idyllic living space in an idyllic setting.....
.....and there, centre stage (so to speak) was the eco-toilet.....
....kept entirely odour free with the simple addition of fresh saw dust....
...something the wood cutter had in abundance.
There are many rumours abounding about the unsuitability of humanure for such a project....
....but then I came across this book.....
...which begs to differ entirely.
So - if I do decide to take the plunge......
....do I invite my friends family and guests to participate in the scheme?....
....or should I keep a bucket outside just for them?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reports On New 'Hands On' Approach With Bra

What ho! Pepys......

Apparently a Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Oxford University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling about or bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside...
....and kicked the shit out of him!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Being Art Classy

Whatto! Peeps....

....Lord Noel here....

If you are a regular reader of our articles....
...you doubtless know already....

...that I am a deeply Artistic person.

I therefore appreciate creative endeavours....
....in all their myriad forms.....

You can imagine how pleased I was...
...to find this beautiful work...

...which combines great technical ability...

....with a subject matter....
...I am intensely interested in...

...the female form.

It makes me want to...
...start up some Life Drawing Classes...
...here at Virtual Manor....
...but I'm not sure how I'd manage...
...for models....

...any volunteers?

(see more of Steve Hanks work here)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Being Lord of the Land

Whatto! Peeps....

As someone who is always interested in a good investment....
...it was pointed out to me that Property is a good buy at the moment.....
...but, being worried about being a Landlord and such like....
...I sent away for a 'Landlords Guide' from a small firm operating on the Internet.
It arrived promptly and was surprisingly inexpensive, so I'm reproducing it here for any other aspiring Landlords or Landladys:

HOW TO BE A PROPER LANDLORD!

1. Be kind to the environment, don’t use a Tenancy Agreement, or any other paper-consuming document.

2. There’s no room for empathy here, so you don’t want to hear excuses. You’re running a business, not a charity shop.

If you’re a twat and ignored point #1, then redeem yourself by putting the following into your tenancy agreement:

    1.1: I don’t want to hear excuses. You will not give me any. Ever.
    1.2: I am running a business, not a charity shop.

3. Reserve your precious energy; don’t waste your time making quarterly inspections. All problems can be settled after your tenant has moved out with the security deposit and...

...a baseball bat.

4. There should never be any immediate rush into making repairs. You’re already giving your tenant a place to stay. If you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have everything you need, nothing else really matters.

5. How often do properties actually burn down or randomly topple over? Never!! So Building insurance is pointless. Kind of like that guy from Wham. Not George Michael, the other one that did nothing. You remember him?

6. When a tenant calls, it’s NEVER good news. If you want to spend all your valuable spare time ignoring their incessant RING-RING, RING-RING that's your problem. Personally we suggest you NEVER EVER give out any telephone numbers to these people! An internet address it quite sufficient for their needs.

7. If rent is 24 hours late, hand out both Section 8 and Section 21 like candy. Most tenants are clueless, they’ll be scared and most likely cough up the dough.

8. Reference checks are as reliable as a chocolate teapot and as useful as an ashtray on a bike so don't waste time with them.

9. Giving tenancy to someone with a bigger physical presence than yourself is potential suicide. We only recruit scrawny nerds or elderly women so we can lay the smack down on them if they cross the line. Physical violence and threatening antics are always reliable tools if you want to walk down the road to victory.

10. Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around. You’re THE LANDLORD so overshadow your tenant with your menacing authority.

11. Replacing the locks is like having abortions- the best form of pest control.

12. If you like chavs and spongers and want to support their cause, then declare your earnings to the snake-oil taxman. Otherwise, be a man and keep all the moolah tucked away under your mattress.

13. Don’t bother using a Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme. Use the money for a long deserved holiday, or something else worthwhile, like a wicked Pioneer basebox for the boot of your new motor.

14. At the end of a tenancy, pick up on every motherfooking glitch like a hawk so you can hold back some, if not all, of the deposit. If you look hard enough, you’ll find enough damage to never have to part with any of it.

15. Don’t be scared to dish out Notice Of Rent Increase Forms, especially to long term tenants that are reliable and in their ultimate comfort zone. They’ll most likely pay the new shiney rate since they’re now nicely settled in.

16. Following on from point 15, capitalizing on profit should be the bread and butter aim for all landlords (See Point 2 above).

17. ALWAYS assume the tenant is completely oblivious to their rights, because that’s usually the case, and you’ll save a bundle of cash. With that in mind, forget about Gas Safety Certificates, Energy Performance Certificates, and the like - they're all extra expenses you can well do without.

18. DSS tenants are the holy grail of tenants. Embrace them like newly born children embrace the nipples of their mothers’.

19. You’re paying the mortgage so you’re keeping the rain off your tenant’s head, never forget that. You owe them nothing. They owe YOU!

20. The property your tenant is in is YOURS, not theirs. You can enter and leave it as you please.

21. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lords & Ladys of Stylishness

Whatto! peeps.....

Having been an avid admirer of Lord Byron and his personal exploits fpr quite some time now........
....I find myself continually drawn towards the styles that echo that period......

....and luckily there are talented people out there who feel the same way....

....and can produce the clothing they need to create that marvelous 'look'......
.....with a fresh modern interpretation.
I need to have the outfit that this decadent chappie is wearing!

The wonderful lady in white is the glorious Olivia Barnard-Firth
....check out her flamboyant website.
Life can never be dull.....
....as long as there are wonderful colourful characters like this in the World.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel