Tuesday 31 December 2013

Lord Noel's New Years Eve

Whatto! Pepys...


Tonight is a very important night.
It will an opportunity to prove to many people whether you are capable of enjoying yourself amongst fellow humans in an acceptable way, despite having had copious amounts of potentially toxic liquid poured into your body over a short period..... or not.
You can beging to predict what sort of night someone will be having, once you have stolen a glimpse of the outfit they are proposing to dress themselves in.
I hate turning up at a party and finding that someone else there is dressed exactly the same as me...
so this year I shall be dressing like this...


Tomorrow is another day, but our behaviour tonight will entirely govern whether we wake up tomorrow feeling like this....


Hairy Styles


or like this....


Only time will tell!

Have a good one!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 30 December 2013

Lord Noel Reviews 2013

Whatto! Pepys...



When one looks back over the happening of this year, one could very quickly become dispondent:
Wars are still raging throughout the so called 'Civilised' world.
Countries that were invaded still seem much worse off since they were given their enforced 'Liberation' by global oil seekers.
People who have protested peacefully have been arrested and disappeared from public view.
People who have exposed Government lies and deceptions have been locked up indefinitely as criminals or forced to leave the country and go into hiding.



Weather becomes more extreme and yet climate change still isn't being addressed by anyone.


Indeed weather control seems to be this years hot topic with tornados deliberately being started by technological advancements yet curable illnesses still claim too many lives each year.
Corruption in third world governments means vital supplies still do not reach the public but instead fall into the coffers of armament companies that feed on war and destruction.
Monsanto makes massive strides towards controlling the Worlds food supply with help from corrupt officials who move from positions in Govt to private corporations with sickening ease.
Meanwhile the now privatised energy companies increase their prices continually to maintain a healthy profit margin for their shareholders, despite their raw product prices dropping.



Innocent Muslims who were 'cleared for release' from Gitmo 11 years ago are still imprisoned there.
Here in the UK the NHS is being dismantled for the benefit of private companies.



Politicans and Royalty feed themselves from the trough of public money with such ferocious energy (as if time is somehow running out) whilst the public are having their benefits cut, having a tax imposed on them for having an extra bedroom and forced onto the 'Workfare' (Slave) system which allows big
Corporations to boost their profits by 'employing' people at no cost.
The deliberate manipulation of money by corrupt Banks that rig interest rates and launder Drug Money allow the rich to get richer whilst Foodbanks flourish.



and by the way...
Fukishima is leaking like mad but no-one wants to talk about that radioactive elephant in the room.

but....

there have been some lovely moments on which to reflect...
A Global revulsion by people who were against the premeditated invasion of Syria by USA an 'Alies' caused it to be put on hold!
Russia released the protestors from 'Pussy Riot'
People involved in Permaculture kept planting trees and helping to protect microcosms of Nature.
and here at Virtual Manor we kept feeding the Love that we ultimately share with our family and friends.
My gorgeous daughter became a happily married woman!

Who knows what 2014 will bring?
I suspect much more of the same...
But I am confident that there are enough people out there who are in touch with their humanity to keep us on track and help us make the World a better place.
There bally well better be!

But whatever else happens - just remember this...

As a Human being you have 46 chromosomes - which is only 2 less than an ordinary potato!
Your eyes are each composed of 130,000,000 photoreceptor cells.



In each of those individual photoreceptor cells there are 100,000,000,000,000 (trillion) atoms - and that amount is more than the number of all the known stars in the milky way galaxy!
A rainbow's existence is entirely because of the tiny conical receptors in your eyes. This is because animals without cones cannot see rainbows, but you can.
All of the colours you can see still only represent less than 1% of the entire electromagnetic spectrum but they include every colour of the rainbow.

You can also hear less than 1% of the entire acoustic spectrum, but this is the same limited acoustic spectrum from which we get Tschaicovsky, Elvis, Bach, Beatles, Led Zep and Pink Floyd.
The atoms in your body are almost 100% empty space and none of them are the ones you were born with.
As you are reading this you are on the shell of an amazing ball of earth and water that provides us with everything we could possibly need, and it is somehow floating through space at 220 Km per second round a galaxy of stars and planets that form part of a Galaxy created from a massive explosion that occurred millenia ago and all the vital atoms in you body originated in the belly of an exploding star. 
You're Special! 





Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 29 December 2013

Lord Noel On Men

Whatto! Pepys....



Have you noticed how Men are like similes?
It's amazing how many similes can be extracted from observing the behaviour of ordinary mortal men. When one begins to look below their sweaty, hairy surface and get in touch with the underlying character of MAN it becomes so much easier!
So.... I have to ask.....
How well do you know men and how they behave?
Prove that you really understand men by simply completing these common Similes....

(Answers below)


MEN SIMILES
1. Men are like department stores because ...
2. Men are like holidays because ...
3. Men are like computers because ...
4. Men are like coolers because ...
5. Men are like chocolate bars because ...
6. Men are like good coffee because ...
7. Men are like horoscopes because...
8. Men are like plungers because ...
9. Men are like cement because ...

(scroll down for answers)
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

ANSWERS:


1. Their clothes should always be half off.
2. They never seem to be long enough.
3. They're hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
4. If you load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. They're sweet and smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night long.
7. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
8. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
9. After getting laid, they take a long time to get really hard.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 27 December 2013

Lord Noel On Carols

Whatto! Pepys...


I trust your Xmas was a joyous occasion filled with merriment and fun!
We love to gather together inside the Pianobar at that time of year and roast our chestnuts over the fire whilst singing Carols around the pianoforte, tinkled by yours truly.
Generally alcohol is served quite early in the day over the festive period because it's what Jesus would have wanted. I also find that Booze, served liberally over the tonsils, helps to loosen the voicebox and the spirit is soon soaring and coming up with some very interesting lyrics.
Here are a few of the corkers for your delectation and delight!


Deck the halls with Buddy Holly.

We three kings of porridge and tar.

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel! Noel! Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim.

Olive the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.

Sleep in heavenly peas.

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown.

You'll go down in Listerine.

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse soap and hay.

O' come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 26 December 2013

Lord Noel On Pugelism

Whatho! pepys...


Here in Ukland we are World reknown for our long and luxurious heritage which stretches into the mists of yesterdayness for a very, very, long, long, way, way - echoing through time like the soft hair running down the taut spine of a well manicured werewolf.
Once Xmas day is finally consigned to the landfill of historyville and everyone has finished celebrating the birth of the baby Santa by toying with their gifts, jousting together playfully in their highly competitive carbohydrate consumption competitions and singing fantasy rhymes to each other around an innocent pianoforte, things can quickly turn very nasty. When one adds to the mix, for good measure, a few good measures of alcoholic beverages, it is easy to see why the Xmas cheer suddenly runs out and the overwheming urge to lovingly throttle someone close to one completely takes one over.
That is precisely why we Brits invented boxing day!
It is a very well guarded secret here in the UK, but a short perusal of Police incident records reveals just how popular traditional Boxing Day celebrations really are.
Up and down the country families are warming squeezing each other by the neck in joyfull celebration of this honourable tradition.
There are rules of course, but the rules are there just to satisfy Health and Safety requirements and bears very little relevance to the actual Boxing itself.
The first Rule of Boxing Day (or 'Fight Club' as it is known here at Virtual Manor) is 'Don't ever wear plimsoles as they leave black marks on the floor'.
That is why, on this very special day, you will frequently find my good lady wife wearing her customary wooden Dutch clogs. I bought these for her one Xmas past, in an unusual act of kindness which secretly benefits me during our Boxing Day rituals as it dramatically slows down her footwork whilst I am jabbing with my left and also distracts her with the added risk of splinters as I am preparing for a crafty uppercut to her chin.
I would thoroughly recommend this past time for one and all!
Not only is it great entertainment when all there is to watch on TV is the Unelected Dictators Speech but it is also a wonderful way for a family to bond together, lose weight together and also build up a tremendous appetite together!

Happy Boxing Day!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 25 December 2013

Lord Noel's Xmas Greeting

Whatto! Pepys...



HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANTA!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 24 December 2013

Lord Noel On 'John The Inexperienced'

Whatto! Pepys...


Well here we are again at Xmastide!
And I trust you are having a splendid one...
It began sometime in October and involves spending as much money as possible on cosumer items.
(It's what Jesus would have wanted)
Speaking of Mr J, I recently visited our local church because they were having their annual exhibition of Nativity displays and every local group was encouraged to show their own take on the infamous Nativity scene.
The exhibition was quite extensive and apparently this year they'd been encouraged to be 'as creative as possible'!
Unfortunately, in an embarrassingly controversial incident Mrs Wilson's entry on behalf of the knitting circle had to be disqualified as she was found trying to re-use her wonderful knitted rendition of the last supper.
She was punished by having both of her rich tea biscuits removed.
However, she did receive lots of praise from our enthusiastic local recycling club.
She was last seen in the darkest corner of our small library furiously knitting a full sized crucifix mumbling "I'll show them!"...



Word had already spreading around our Town which was buzzing with chat about how fresh and innovative this year's entries were. I must admit that although I was expecting to see the same old hackneyed set-ups as before even I was pleasantly surprised by the fresh take that so many groups had demonstrated (although I don't get out much these days). The entry above, for example, is from our local carpenter and the Scene below was entered by our local 'No Longer Smokers' nicotine support group...but I think it's not a patch on last years entry.


Yes there were plenty of exciting versions of this popular theme to feast one's eyes on.
And the idea of a middle eastern Superman being born in an animal's food trough still excites many of us agriculturally based personages.
But I was drawn to one Scene in particular which was still being set up by a group of small school children...


This one from our local Butcher was very popular


A sweet entry from our local confectioner

A 7-year old child was putting the finishing touches to their large crayon drawing of the Nativity, which although childishly primitive in execution, did hold a certain charm.


Whimsical work from our local Duck Farmer

Cutting edge stuff from our local Crafting Group

The picture was a very good rendition of the Nativity scene, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.


A brooding scene from the Mother's Union

Flamboyance at it's best from our local Drama Group

However, I couldn't help noticing that there was, what appeared to be a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, who just did not seem to fit in.
When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel




Monday 23 December 2013

Lord Noel Asks "Why Not?"

Whatto! Peeps...


Xmas needn't be an expensive time of year.
There are many ways to have fun and spend very little
(or so I've been told)
So here's one I learned from one of our locals. 
Why not?
turn a normal tin of Quality Street confectionary 
into a fun 'Lucky Dip'?...
...by simply topping it up with sand.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 22 December 2013

Lord Noel On Xmas Presence

Whatto! Pepys....


Remember! It's never too late to consider making that last minute request from Santa for the pressy you've always dreamed of!
Folks always love to receive that special gift that shows that it is truly a Xmas present for a loved one!
And you can always prove just how much you really love them by spending a little extra in a shop somewhere near you!
There are so many things that can be purchased!
And so little time!
If I was asked what I would like for Xmas I would have great difficulty deciding between any of these exciting Xmassy gifts...
Like these excitingly warm 'Woodland Creatures for all the family' outfits!



Or why not treat yourself to a bit of pampering with an extra-special hair do?
(Not recommended in high winds)


Or your own personal, portable, nicotine supply! 


Knitwear is always a traditional hit with everyone in the family!


Or - for the man who has everything...
Why not treat them by splashing out on a virtual protrate Explorer?


Or perhaps your loved one would prefer a fully paid-up membership to the Tory Party?


Personally I find it difficult to see how this quadricycle could be improved on as the perfect gift!


Remember "The family that pancakes together...."


How about subscriptions to a popular monthly magazine?


Or something to help make working a 140 hour week more bareable?


or a gift voucher for some splendid new tattoos?



What could say 'Happy Xmas' better than a nice festive vinyl record?


Or perhaps you would like to sponsor a local Artist to express themselves creatively in public?


Remember - a technology gift is always a great investment for the future


But plastic surgery can bring eternal happiness to anyones life!


Or you could help someone join in the Festive fun of gorging oneself silly by signing them up for Ritter's infamous "Get Plump" Course




But before we get totally carried away with the joys of Yuletide gifting it's important to remember that
THERE'S A WAR ON!
Just remember that Xmas is also a time for Terror!
So report anything suspicious that you see immediately to the Authorities!


And remember to keep paying your taxes......




Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 20 December 2013

Lord Noel On Juxtapositioning

Whatto! Pepys...


Have you noticed how much fun can be achieved from putting seemingly unrelated things next to each other to create fresh new meaning?



It can liven up an otherwise dull workplace....




....and demonstrate your humanism...








...as well as your amazing sense of humour!






The real skill is in being able to see juxtapositions that occur in everyday life by sheer coincidence!














Serendipity at it's finest!












...or a clever Editor!?















Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel