Lord Noel Says Watch It!

What ho! Pepys...

Today I met a chap in town who told me he could sell me lots of traditional men's timepieces at extremely low prices...
... but I think he's just a wind up merchant


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Perils Of Online Shopping

What ho! Pepys...

Rupert and William suddenly realised that their 'home gymnasium' was somewhat lacking

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Roses

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline was chatting with her very good friend "Any idea what you're getting for your birthday," she asked.
"Roses from Bob ... that's a given," said the friend.
"What's wrong with that?"
"Well, he always has 'expectations' after giving me flowers and I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air!"
Lady Jacqueline thought about this for a moment...
...and then asked "Don't you have a vase?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Time Travel

What ho! Pepys...

When my Lady wife said she'd bought me a lovely watch for my Birthday I thought it was a wind up

 

One of the pins on my lovely watch bally well broke orf. 

So I went out to seek a suitable replacement.

In the end I had to drive to a decent jewellers in Norwich 

where I pointed out my predicament to the young female assistant.

She then asked me if I wanted to try a new strap on. 

Which I thought was a bit forward of her.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Season Of Taking

What ho! Pepys...

This week we visited a relative 

and I asked their extremely spoilt daughter 

"What would you like for Xmas?" 

She immediately shouted at me "A Teletubby!" 

She's fifteen so I asked her "Aren't you a bit old for that?" 

And she yelled "Why would I be too old for a TV, Fatso?!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Speaketh Here On Bootlegging

What ho! Pepys...

I hath always enjoy'ed and encourage'd ye entrepreneurialism

whenever it raiseth it's rather attractive head.

And I was muchly please'd to spy a vendor 

of products appertayning to the layte and greayt

Michaelangelo Jacksonian

and who had a comely queue forming towards his vending stall outlette.

But all of a suddyn the local Constabulary arrived!...

...and took away the poore man for 'questioning'.

It later turneth out the fellow claiming to be selling 

"Ye authentique Michael Jackson Jesus Juice"

was just a smoothie criminal.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Flying Carpets

Whatto!....

When Lady Jacqueline and I were in Egypt we were invited into a shop that sold many different beautiful carpets.....

Another tourist was looking around close by and she walked up to one particular carpet to inspect it more closely.

As she bent down to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally broke wind.

Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously as if to see if anyone had noticed her little accident.....

Needlesstosay that Lady Jacqueline and myself hurriedly looked the other way to minimise this poor lady's embarassment....

After a few moments she seemed to regain her composure....

....raised herself up again and turned to call over the nearby salesman.

"Good day Madam. How may I help you today?" he beamed as he moved towards her

"I'd like to know the cost of this rug please" she asked

"Well" he answered....."you farted just touching it.......

......when you hear the price......

......you're gonna shit yourself."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Says 'Don't Burn It - Learn From It!'

Whatto! Peeps...

Those of you with an interest in ladies apparel will be thrilled to discover that the well known bra manufacturers 'Triumph' (didn't they used to make motorbikes?)...

..have come up with yet another new bra.....

.....this one is a bra........that grows rice.

Yes!...."At last!" I hear you cry.....

Well this bra features pots instead of cups, and a plastic water hose with seedlings acting as a belt.

It even comes with a pair of detachable gloves....

....so it's extremely practical.......

The grow-your-own bra was created to raise awareness of food self-sufficiency, allowing the wearer to cultivate rice any time, anywhere.

Yoshiko Masuda, of Triumph, said: "Over the last year, young Japanese women have taken a tremendous interest in agriculture.....

....we wanted other women to experience farming as well. That's what inspired this bra."

Triumph Japan has a reputation for making "gimmick" underwear (No! Really?)......

.....that conveys a serious 'political message'.

Hence why last year, Triumph made a bra that featured food bowls around the cups, allowing busy women to eat on the go!

....and the year before that....

...a solar powered bra!

Not to be outdone....

...I am putting forward some unique and thought-provoking designs of my own!

Like my 'Goldfish bra'....

...ideal for taking your goldfish for a walk!

...or my equally controversial 'Bacon bra'.....

...so that women everywhere can be safe in the knowledge that food is never far away!

But I don't think any of these will catch on as quickly as the totally munchable....

....sweety bra!

Wallop! YumYum!

& Tallyho! 

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Wrapping Up Xmas

Whatto! Givers......

If...like me....

....you like to stamp some of your own personality.....

....on all of the gifts that you give.....

..something that says.....

...."I was here".....

....then consider also the wrapping paper that you use.

Is it of sufficient quality....

....to convey to the receiver....

....exactly how much you think of them?

Because with a little more care and attention......

.....you can send a really lovely Chrissmassy message....

.....to someone you care about......

 

.....which will register with them subliminally...

....as they open their package.....

....and reveal to them....

....your true feelings about this holiday period...

Tallyho!

Have a lovely Xmas everyone!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Festiveness

Lord Noel Says "Quickly! You Must Have These Gifts Before It's Too Late!"

Whatto! Seekers of Gifts.....

With only a few hours left until the BIG DAY!.....

I feel it's only right for me to add...
....to the over-all ANXIETY you should be experiencing....

....by showing you some presents that people would've LOVED to have received...

...so that you can see just how many Original ideas you missed out on!
(But it's not too late!.....and if you REALLY loved them ....
....wouldn't you brave the snow blizzards to prove it to them?)

For instance.....

....Are you someone who just CANNOT stand being apart from their computer?....

....even for a few 'personally hygienic' moments?

....then THIS gift.....

...is made for YOU!

Or maybe you're someone with a rather large head....

...who constantly feels guilty....
....for allowing your partner to get wet whenever you go out together hand in hand, in the rain.....
...because normal umbrellas just aren't BIG enough to accomodate your masssive cranium?
Or you may just live in an area of high pollution.....
...so you're sick of getting your favourite outfit dissolved by toxic rainfall?.....
Either way....you'll LOVE this beauty! 

 

Or maybe you still have a big head.....

......and are called something like 'Tiger Woods'.....

....and you feel the need to take photos of you with your many girlfriends?.....

(almost a full time job you'll agree)

....but you don't trust complete strangers not to steal your extremely valuable digital camera.....

...so you won't ask anyone else to take the picture for you?

Or maybe you have no friends who you can ask to take the pictures anymore?....

...and maybe all your girlfriends have left?....

....and now, you don't even have a wife?

Well Cheer up!

You can still own this handy 'QuikPod' arm extension device unit......

(Just make sure no-one is creeping up on you from behind with a golf club)

Or maybe you dislike waiting on someone hand and foot?....
(rather like my last Butler)

This amusing tray will actually SAVE you chores!...

HOW?

Well it has been specifically designed with the fingertips protruding upwards through the tray for maximum stability.....

.....but the beauty of this design...
....is that it will prevent you being able to carry hardly anything on it at all!
After sixteen trips to the Bar just to serve 4 G&Ts.....
....your services will soon be 'dispensed with'.

Or maybe you've been wanting to give your loved one a subtle hint.....

....about the huge amount of glutonous blubber they have managed to amass around their midrift.....

....due to constantly gorging themselves over the 'Holiday 'period?

This gift is PERFECT for fat freaks everywhere!

Or how's this?

The ideal gift for the man who's "Going Nowhere" FAST!!.....

...the ingenius and mystical 'self supporting ladder'...

....It will allow you to perform a modern day version of the famous 'Indian Rope trick'.....

...although there is a disclaimer included from the manufacturers...

...which states "Anyone using this product who decides to step off the top rung and thereby enter an alternative universe or other time vortex will NOT be eligible for a refund"....

Dratt!....up until then I was interested.

(Here it is being demonstrated by Mr Fred West - the notorious mass murderer)

I have a extremely massive bed at home.....oh yes I certainly do!

And one day some of you may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of it....

....or even spend a luxurious night enveloped within it's fabulously crisp Egyptian cotton sheets.

The bed is Sooooo massive that I can sometimes lose Lady J in there for days!

But for those of you who haven't the luxury of a converted playing field to sleep in....

....this next gift may help you sort out the 'exact surface area' which should be allocated to each sleeper.....

Enjoy!

Teach your child about Nature this Xmas!

This wonderful 'Power of Flower' light will prove to them once and for all.....

....that we can manage WITHOUT nature.....

...as long as we have electricity....

....so that when this Planet is finally defoliated....

....they certainly won't miss it!

Go on! You owe it to the next generation to be perfectly truthful with them....

Or you may know someone who is very particular about their cup of tea?

Maybe they like the tea bag to be steeped for a particular amount of time....

....to ensure that their drink is exactly the correct strength to suit them?

If you are someone who insists that the tea bag should steep for exactly 143.7 seconds....

....and NO LONGER!.....

....this is definitely for you....

(You weirdo)

Or maybe you were once a Foreign Dictators wife?

....and now you are desperately trying to find some space in your home for all those wonderful shoes you managed to buy while the rest of the Country you were governing were starving to death?

Look no further!

With this handy 'Stair Step Saver'.....you can head back down to the shoe shops again with a clear conscience!

But don't forget to put all your shoes away properly....

...or you could break someone's neck.

Are you busy?....I know I am....

... and I also know....

....how much time can be saved....

....by COMBINING tasks!

......That's why I always brush my hair whilst feeding my chickens.....

....and clean my teeth whilst queuing in Supermarkets.....

....and rinse my genitals whilst....

(....well you really don't need to know that right now...)

.....so this wonderful 'Toaster and Teapot combo' really hits the spot!

....Just hurry up and find the butter!

Are you Bono?

Do you get frustrated in between recording hit albums....

....that nobody seems to care if you're singing or not?

Do you feel an overwhelming desire to perform somewhere wet?...

....whilst dripping in soap?

....somewhere the accoustics are always rather good?

Well.....Fill up your sexy Bono boots!

How about in the......

....Ahem......

.....'bedroom' department?

Does the Earth still move....

.....whilst you're in the middle of amourous exchanges....

....with a 'loved one' or drugged victim?

Well it will now!

Because 'Spring' has suddenly arrived!

Or maybe you are diabetic?

And you find that you always get sooooo thirsty....

.....that ONE glass of water just isn't enough!

Well thirst no more fat guy!

(Can also be used with wine for Alcoholics)

Is it really so wrong to gain a good belly laugh......

......at someone elses expense?

No! It isn't......

...that's why this year I insist that all the guests arriving at Virtual Manor....

.....drink their mulled wine from these specially prepared paper cups.....

It cheers me up no end!

But you know readers.....

....even at Xmas time.....

....when everyone around you will be laughing and enjoying themselves to excess.....

...it's sometimes comforting to remember.....

...Death is never very far away.....

And just think how thoughtful you'll appear....

.....when YOUR gift shows that you've noticed.....

.....that someone's favourite pet doesn't look very well.....

....and indeed may well DIE over the Holiday period!

Just think of the warm glow you'll feel inside....

.....when you thoughtfuly provide them with this perfect present.....

....a 'Pet Casket'......

....in which to bury their loved one....

(once they are properly deceased).

And remember, as they open it......

...to take some time out.....

....to feel all the LOVE in the room...

Ooooh yeah!

(Shown below is the female version of this wonderful gift)

Tallyho!

I hope I get a nice bulging sackful this Crimbo!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress to Undress

Lord Noel Goes Christmas Shopping

Whatto! Shoppers.............

As usual..........having so many better things to do with my life........................

I leave all my Xmas shopping til the last minute.........

This year I thought it would be nice to buy my wife some nice perfume..............


I went into town and asked to be shown a selection from their display...............

Naturally the assistant showed me a bottle costing £175!..............

I suddenly remembered that I'd inadvertantly left my bank cards back at The Manor and only had a small amount with me in my wallet!........... I smiled sweetly at the salesgirls effort to make as much commission as possible for herself...............

'I'm sorry..........that's far too expensive' I muttered................

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50 by which time I'd had time to check inside my wallet and found I only had £30 in cash!................

This was ridiculous!....."Oh dear!' I smiled, 'That's still a little too much!"....then I suggested "I'd like to see something REALLY cheap!?

So the sales girl smiled ............bent down........picked something up from behind the counter..........

and handed me............. a mirror!

Realising that this whole shopping experience would not work unless I had my bank cards......... I went home to retrieve them.............


I took with me to the next gift shop on the High street...........

As I entered I said "Hello! I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," to the rather attractive young salesgirl who greeted me............

".....but I'm sorry!" I added apologetically........"I don't know her size!".............


"No problem!" she smiled...... "Does this help?" ................

............and placed her small soft hand in mine!..................

"Oh, yes," I flustered..................

"That helps alot!............er.........her hands are just slightly larger than yours!"

She smiled warmly and with her other hand, selected the correct size from the display for me.............

"Will there be anything else?" she murmured.......still squeezing my hand..........

I thought for a moment........ enjoying my shopping experience to the full............


"Now that you mention it," I replied.............

"............she could use a new bra!"


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Christmas Gifts

Whatto! Everyone.............

As you know....I am normally an extremely generous person.........but the overwhelming desire 'to GIVE' overtakes me at time time of year............
I found some old letters today that reminded of some Xmas correspondence I had years ago ...........with a then 'lady friend' of mine.......
...........it brought back so many memories!....................


December 14th
Dearest Lord Noel:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised!
With dearest love and affection, Agnes xxxxxxxxxx
***
December 15th
Dearest Lord Noel:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves!.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable!
All my love, Agnes xxxxxxxxx
***
December 16th
Dear Lord Noel:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens?! They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind!
Love Agnes xxx
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic!
Affectionately, Agnes x
***
December 18th
Dearest Lord Noel:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for each finger! You're just impossible........ but I love it! Frankly, Lord Noel, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes xxxxxxxxxxxxx
***
December 19th
Dear Lord:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are really huge! Where ever will I keep them? The neighbours are starting to complain and I can't sleep through the racket. SO PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes x
***
December 20th
Noel:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird droppings all over the house!............ and they never stop their squawking! I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night! IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So PLEASE stop with those birds!
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds! What exactly am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows! There is dung all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me!. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey!:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And they won't stop playing! They kept chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me! Don't worry.....You'll get yours!
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them 'ladies'..... how they dance is disgusting! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The caretaker of buildings has summonsed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm getting the police onto you!
One who means it! Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot!:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? Are these some sick friends of yours?!! Thanks to their antics all 234 of the birds are now dead!!!! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine!
Your sworn enemy! Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th
(From the law offices of 'Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar' Ltd)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 'twelve fiddlers fiddling', which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction of whom was, of course, total. All correspondence should now come to our sole attention and we should warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at 'Happy Dale' Sanitarium the attendants have instructions to call Police who will shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas


...................................
Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Letters To Santa

Whatto! .............

Just to remind everyone.............

......there aren't many 'Santa Letter-Writing Days' left!


Everyone knows Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.............


So letters sent to the roly-poly icon always find their way to the small town of 'North Pole' ..........deep in Alaska's interior, including those simply addressed to 'Santa'..............


Last year 120 000 letters arrived from 26 countries, not counting the thousands with no return address.............

Letters trickle in all year round to the town of 1600 people, where light poles are curved and striped like candy canes and streets have names like Santa Claus Lane and Kris Kringle Drive..........


Even stamp-less letters get through!

"They are special because they have Santa's name on them!" say the volunteers.............. "It's what makes Christmas magical for children!"................


"We try to keep the big guy mystical, so we sign off as Santa's elves and helpers," they add..............

"Anyone can be an elf!"................



"The children ask for toys and gizmos............... but some ask for miracles.................


..............orphans wanting their mother back for Christmas or a father back from Iraq, even though he died there"..................

"Children having been writing to Santa for many years now............"



"Many letter writers point out how good they have been.............. and some enclose money to cover postage"............

One year they received an anonymous letter with a Michigan postmark and no postage stamp. It was addressed to 'Santa Claus' and had no return address either on the envelope or the letter. Inside was a thousand-dollar money order and an anonymous note that said: "If you are who you say you are, you'll put this to good use!".........................

Volunteers bought postage stamps for the effort................

"I believe Santa Claus has qualities that represent the good in everybody, and people reach out to that"...................


Ideally, parents and other adults write their own Santa replies, put them in a stamped, self-addressed envelope and tuck them into a larger envelope addressed to the Fairbanks post office. Either way, replies get a North Pole postal cancellation mark, complete with a half-moon drawing of Santa's face!.....................



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse