Lord Noel "Oh! What A Right Royal Night!....."

Whatto! Peeps....

We've just returned, much worse for wear, from the wonderful Royal Wedding Reception....
....and what a fantastic night it was too!
The meal was pleasant enough. I think you may be able to make us out.......we're the one's smiling.....
.....sitting next to the Duchess of Dikhampton...

Then we all ajourned to the 'Party Room' where the DJ was surprise guest 'Boy George' who came suitably attired.......as always....
....and he brought along with him his sister 'Girl Georgina' .....
....she kept her eye on him all night - making sure he behaved himself....

"You should have let me do YOUR makeup too sis"

The happy couple were the first to dance (of course) and they chose that perfectly romantic song which apparently was playing in their Kenyan safari lodge when young Wills proposed to her....

Elephants creep closer to catch a glimpse of the young Royals mating ritual

....it's a beautiful song by the Artist sometimes known as 'Squiggle'......
....but affectionately remembered as 'Prince'.......entitled........

More Royalty in Da House!

......"Cream".
The Duke of Edinburgh was shaking his tush rather well, as was Her Majesty as were the rest of the Royal entourage and the whole of Buck House boogied on down.

Charles & Camilla couldn't wait to start bumping

Her Majesty had chosen a lot of the tunes for the first set but there was just a tad too much Queen for me.....
Elton did a quick Karaoke spot with yet another reworking of 'Candle in the wind' but thankfully he had to leave early because of their babysitter.

"I'm still standing.......just"

Both the Beckhams were there - hidden up in a dark corner of the Palace....
.....and seemed to be getting on very well indeed.....

Proving that Intimacy doesn't die after marriage...it just smells different

Victoria did her best to dance in her evening outfit which was coming apart at the edges.....
....obviously made in China har har!
As the night went on the old fogies slowly disappeared leaving us spring chickens to strut our stuff and conga late into the night.
Everyone seemed to be having a great time and the energy in the room was electric.
I may be old fashioned but what's with this new craze of putting tippex round your nostrils?
....Beats me!?
It was only as the sun was rising over the City skyline that Lady Jacqueline and myself decided to make our way out...

....leaving behind us the only right and proper gift for an occasion like this....

....a nice new toaster.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - (a very delicate) Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Tips - For Royal Newlyweds

Whatto! Peeps....

Over the years each one of our wonderful Royal Family has come to me for advice on how to stay married. They have said things like "Lord Noel...how can we possibly stay married?" So, in anticipation of forthcoming marital problematifications I have compiled a list of tips which will hold one happy couple in very good stead.
(For legal reasons I am unable to name the happy couple whose advice this is....but let me just say that we're very much looking forward to seeing you both at the Wedding Reception later today!)

1. Don't worry about those members of the public who may have forked out anything up to £3 for a tasteful commemorative mug of your wedding. If you both split up they can simply substitute one of your faces for a cut-out face of the new partner and 'hey presto!'....bliss is restored! I did this for Princess Anne and Mark Phillips, and also Andrew and Fergie.....and also, come to think of it, Charles and Diana too....though I was always covering Charlie's face with Diana's partners like that England rugby player and Dodi 'Harrods' Whats his name?..... because I just couldn't bear to cut out Camilla's face from my 'Horse and Hound' monthly.

2. Keep your newly wedded love alive by spending some 'quality time' together every week - weighing each other. You can use some simple bathroom scales (or complicated Royal ones) but remember to write down the results on a sheet of paper entitled 'Results'. Not only will this encourage you both to keep in shape, but the successive differences between the weights recorded on the 'Results' sheet will amount exactly to the weight that you have either gained or lost!

3. Many arguments that happen between married couples are over lost personal items. These can easily be avoided by simply threading a long length of string through everything that you have inside your home. Whenever you find you have misplaced something, simply follow the string from beginning to end and eventually you will come across the item you thought had gone missing.

4.  As a result of the massive publicity surrounding your happy day you are both now very well known celebrities. So consider using a simple strip of black cardboard about 6 inches long and 2 inches wide which can easily be worn across your eyes, thus creating the perfect disguise, favoured by lottery winners and those wishing to conceal their identities from prying eyes.

5. You should always buy your new wife lingerie as gifts whenever possible. Then you can surprise your wife by doing something considerate like tidying her underwear drawer while she's out. You should always try on her stockings to check them for ladders and also her bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep all the defective lingerie you discover somewhere discrete inside your own Royal shed as it can prove very useful in cleaning up paint or other spilled materials.


Tallyho!
Orf to Bally London now for a 'Right Royal' shindig!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Late Addition:
Do you know?...Having now seen how they behave together......I think they'll get on just fine........

That's what happens when you don't specify exactly what they're supposed to kiss

Lord Noel 'The Bait'

Whatto! Peeps.....

Our lovely little village has the luxury of a very picturesque duck pond...
....and with all this sunny weather we've been having I decided to go for a walk down to it.
When I got there I saw a young chap sitting next to it who I would say, appeared to be someone who enjoyed the 'simpler' things in life.
In his hand was an old stick, and tied to the end was a piece of string which was dangling in the water. 
I decided to humour the good fellow and asked, "Have you caught anything yet?" 
The youth looked up at me and studied my face for a few moments before answering, 
....."Yep, you be the fifth today."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Burlesque Night Out

Whatto! peeps....

Last night Lady Jacqueline and myself attended a quaint old theatre in Norwich named The Maddermarket.
It's small, intimate and has a wonderful olde world atmosphere, which suited the Burlesque show we had tickets for.

A selection of weird, wonderful and tantalisingly titillating artistes made their way onto the dimly lit stage to offer us a fun filled evening of bizarre and exotic sights.

I know the term 'Burlesque' has a rich parentage but it has been adopted to describe the idea of a show featuring strip tease, basques, stockings and suspenders....

...which is what I call 'A Jolly Good Night Out!'
It all culminated in the final act.....
....a beautiful young woman who stripped behind two large feather fans......
....and then started shaking what looked to me like a duvet case as she spun around in circles....
....and inside the case were millions of tiny feathers!

They all went up into the air, captured in the stage lights like a raging blizzard....
...but what goes up must come down.....
....and being only four rows from the front we found ourselves in the middle of this storm.....
...and were very soon totally covered...

...and literally spitting feathers!
It was a wonderful spectacle....
...and they must have some very understanding cleaners indeed!
We came out after the show looking like a couple of half plucked chickens!
....What fun!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Nature Tips

Whatto! Peeps....

Being someone who lives in the countryside as a nature lover, and commited naturist, I am often being asked for advice on how to help Nature and specifically "Lord Noel, what can we do to improve the lives of our feathered and furry friends during the year?" Well here are a few Top Tips which should give pleasure to your squirrels and other attractive rodents.

1. Next time you use the washing machine, use salt instead of washing powder to create a perfect 'ocean simulator'. Then, by placing baby turtles inside, you can prepare them for their hectic life at sea!

2. In cold weather it's important to keep creatures warm. Use small lengths of rubber pipe to make ideal 'skin tight body suits' for worms. Be sure to roll your worms in talcuum powder first, to ensure a comfortable fit!

3. Two Galaxy Minstrels joined together with a wooden cocktail stick make perfect little dumbells for red squirrels to work out with, thus building themselves up against their enemies - The Greys!

4. Should you need to take a dolphin out of the water for any length of time (for transportation or perhaps a short holiday break) water-filled fire extinguishers make perfect 'oxygen cylinders' for them.

5. Migrating sea birds will be extremely grateful for any nesting places you can provide, so don't forget to hang out a bucket full of salt water.

6. Next time you have some thick plywood offcuts, don't throw them away! Instead, cut them into small cubes to create perfect little 'Liqourice Allsorts' for those sweet toothed woodpeckers!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Happy Chocolatechrists To You All!"

Whatto! Peeps....

It's Easter Sunday so I thought I'd take a minute out to remind you all why we're here.....
....it was many years ago...
...in a far away land called Diabetes....
....that the Easter Bunny died for our sins....
...but just before it died....
...it hid up all the chocolate it had accumulated....
....and nobody was able to ever find out where it was!
In memoriam, we subsequently spend some time on this special occasion....
....hiding up eggs (which the Easter Bunny used to lay) made of chocolate.....
....and then get small children to find them again.
It's a metaphor on life.....
....which is one big Eggsperiment.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Prog Rocks On!

Whatto! Peeps.....

With all this sunshine weather my mind strayed to rock festivals....
....but, as a relatively mature person (aka. "old git") it's often difficult to find a line-up that excites.
That was until I heard about the 'High Voltage' rock festival in London.
I've booked my ticket for the Sunday 24th July gig and am really looking forward to it.....
....I shall be glued to the 'Prog Rock' stage with Jethro Tull and Curved Air among many.....
...although there other rock bands on other stages too...
...like Thin Lizzy and Judas Priest....
...you can check out their web site here.

I asked my good Lady wife if she would like to accompany me to the festival and she politely declined, saying....
"No thank you Lord Noel I think that Prog Rock is shite!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel 'Made In Britain!'

Whatto! Peeps....

In honour of the United Kingdom's gay marriages policy, a British furniture company is now selling special self-assembly 'lesbian beds'. 
There's absolutely no screwing involved......
.....it's all just tongue and groove.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Holiday Tips - For Those Who Can't Afford Holidays

Whatto! Peeps....

I am often asked "How can I enjoy a lovely holiday without spending much money or leaving the country?". And I say "Well that doesn't actually sound like a 'holiday' to me!" But being someone who rises to challenges I've compiled this list of Tips to answer such questions.

1. Planning a holiday is half the fun of a holiday, so why not plan two this year and still stay at home? Think of all the lovely money you'll save!

2. You can recreate the fun of a hotel's open air swimming pool by simply filling your own bath with cold water and then tipping in two bottles of strong bleach and urine.

3. Pretend you're on a balmy foreign beach by simply turning on all lights and heating inside your home. Then walk around the house in your underpants with strips of sandpaper inside your slippers.

4. Imagine you are on holiday in greece by turning off your water supply, removing all the toilet roll from your bathroom and using a soiled bucket as a lavatory.

5. Women: Are you now too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Well fear not! You can enjoy all the fun of such a holiday by getting sozzled and lying in a sand pit in your back garden. Don't forget to put a sign on the garden gate saying something like "Free sex! Come in and help yourself!"

You're Welcome!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "It's The Law!"

Whatto! Peeps....

As someone who is a great believer in 'Law & Order' I was delighted to find a very useful book available on obscure law's throughout the world. It is published by Michael O’Mara, at £4.99 and I will take it with me when I travel to avoid being arrested.
It is unlawful to ride a bicycle without a licence in Israel.
In Italy a man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
In Scotland it is against the law to be drunk in possession of a cow 
In England impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner is illegal.
In Switzerland it is illegal to hang your washing out on a Sunday. 
Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to kiss in front of church!
In Denver, Colorado it is considered unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbour.
Every fifth song on Canadian radio must be by a Canadian-born citizen, which means Celine Dion and Bryan Adams get played very often.
In Holland it is illegal to sell beer and wine on Sunday, but mixed drinks are available by the glass.
In France it is a crime for an owner of pig to call his swine Napoleon.
In Iceland it is permissable for anyone to practice medicine as long as he/she displays a sign that reads Scottulaejnir, which translates as 'quack doctor' .
All Englishmen over 14 years old are meant to carry out about two hours of longbow practice a week under the supervision of the local clergy.
In Singapore, if convicted of dropping litter three times, the law-breaker has to clean the streets on Sundays wearing a sign saying, 'I am a litterer'. This punishment will then be broadcast on the local news
In Lidenhurst, USA it is illegal for a woman to give a man a perm.
In Oklahoma City it is against the law to throw snowballs. 
In Lebanon men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
On St. Patrick's Day in Ireland it is illegal to carry a swiss roll in your trouser pocket.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Ealls of The Princess Who Suffered From A Very Strange Disorder....

Whatto! Peeps....

There was once a King living in a far away land, and he had a beautiful daughter, the Princess, and this sweet young girl had a sweet story which was later told about her. But there was a problem, any substance, no matter what, metal, wood, stone, you name it, everything the princess touched would instantly melt!
Because of this disorder, men were afraid of her.
And nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What can I do to help my daughter? he pondered...
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the King, "I know the spell which she is under and if your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will then be cured forever!"
The King was overjoyed with this news and immediately announced a competition:
"Any man who can bring my daughter an object that would not melt, can marry her and inherit all my wealth!"
Three young princes soon took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel, which had been tempered by expert craftsmen in the biggest fiery forge in the kingdom for several long days and nights. But, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly with his melted sword looking really quite pathetic.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought "Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and I have mined them from the hottest part of the known world - so they will not melt!" But, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed with a bowl full of melted diamonds.
The third prince approached cautiously. Then he spoke softly to the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, and moved towards the handsome young prince, sliding her hand into the pocket of his breeches, though she turned red with embarrassment. Inside she felt something hard!  She held it in the palm of her hand. And it did not melt!!!
She was CURED!!!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both got married in a lavish ceremony and lived happily ever after.
I suppose you're wondering: "What was in the prince's breeches which did not melt?"
Well.....the answer is of course....
.....M&Ms, because they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Holiday Tips

Whatto! Peeps...

As someone who holidays a tremendous amount I am constantly asked for advice from people who see all the incredible holidays I have and then ask me for advice on enjoying holidays to the fullest. So here are my Top Tips on holidays.

1.  Whilst on holiday, always wear an inexpensive paper hat on which you can write the date and your holiday destination. This will save lots of time trying to figure out where and when it was taken when looking through the photos years later.

2. When holidaying abroad you'll find that they quite often omit to supply you with reading lamps or toilet brushes - even in the most expensive hotels - so take along some of your own.

3. Smokers can make their holidays seem much longer than they actually are by giving up as soon as they arrive. A simple one week holiday can seem like several months using this method.

4. Asthmatics should always avoid going to any destination that the brochure describes as 'breathtaking'.

5. Buy a one way ticket to a Politically unstable country. That way when all hell kicks off you will get flown home free of charge by the British Government.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Facing Up To Freedom'

Whatto! Peeps...

I have suddenly and rather unexpectedly regained my freedom - well some of it!....
...by undertaking one simple operation.....
...logging onto my Facebook account....
...then deleting it!
It used to be the first thing I logged into each day....
...scouring the updates to see what eventful lives other people were having....
....or not as the case may be. 
Now that three quarters of the world is on there....
.....it no longer holds any intrigue for me...
....I feel I want to go to uncharted territories....
....and right now...
...that means the real world.
The weathers really perking up....
....and its so nice to be outside.....
...and not having to check Facebook is quite liberating.
It's a simple process.....
....and I would encourage more people to do it!
....Just log in.....
...then press 'delete'...
...go on ....
....you know you want to....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Crime Prevention Tips

Whatto! Peeps.....

People keep asking me "How can I prevent myself being a victim of Crime?" and I say to them "Why ask me?...Do I look like a Bally Policeman?".....and some of them say "Yes!" so I've put together this list of Crime Prevention tips which are guaranteed to stop you being a victim of crime....or your money back!

1. You can start by taking simple measures like leaving a card in the front windows of your house which reads "No valuables kept in this house overnight".

2. If you are planning to leave your property vacant for any length of time just nip over to see your neighbours before you go. If you prise open one of their windows it will make their home a far more attractive proposition for burglars than yours.

3.  Why not give Burglars a taste of their own medicine by taking action before you go on holiday? Simply smash up the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer and defecate on the carpet!

4. Avoid the embarrassment of appearing on the front pages of tomorrows National newspapers with a badly beaten, puffy face by always making sure that you keep massive amounts of cash in your home. Newspapers only report on attacks where a paltry amount has been stolen.

5. Always write your PIN number on the back of your bank cards! When you put it into the cash machine you won't be able to read it, but if you read it just before insertion and then repeat it over and over to yourself in a loud voice you will easily remember it!

6. If you are a car owner, why not paint an orange stripe down the side of your car? The simple addition of a cornflake packet on the roof with 'POLICE' written on it will deter even the most fool-hardy of thieves, especially as it's a statistical fact that none of them can read!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'The Magical Family'

Whatto! Peeps....

Girl: What does your father do?

Boy: He's a magician.

Girl: What is his favorite trick?

Boy: He cuts people in two.

Girl: Wow! Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Boy: One half-brother and one half-sister.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Money Saving Tips

Whatto! Peeps....

Many people have asked me "Lord Noel, how can I possibly hope to save money during this time of great austerity?" So I have decided to compile some practical suggestions as to how you can clamp down on your expenses without ruining your lifestyle. You're Welcome!

1. Food bills can be enormous, but there's no reason to let them get out of hand. You can easily snip the tails off several hundred tadpoles using nail scissors to make a tasty and inexpensive cavier substitute!

2. Why spend thousands of pounds having corrective eye laser surgery?.... when you can easily carry out your own! Simply remove the back of your CD player whilst it's switched on and stare into it for long periods!

3. Many people are doing their own DIY work around the house to save oceans of cash, but did you know that once warmed up, the jelly from regular pork pies can easily be spread with a brush onto doors, cupboards and skirting as an inexpensive substitute for varnish?

4. With transport costs going through the roof (and those lovely Americans keeping all the cheap oil for themselves) it's easy to forget that you can save petrol by simply pushing your car to your destination! Many passers-by will think you have broken down and offer to help!

5. Instead of buying an expensive laptop computer, simply use a box of Black Magic chocolates! You can open it up in front of you and stare at the menu on the inside of the lid whilst tapping away happily on the chocolates with your fingers! This has the added bonus of also giving you a handy supply of delicious sweeties if you get peckish!

Cynthia gets fresh with Gladys whilst Sue and Mary try to ignore them

6. Did you know that you can easily modernise those old fashioned flared trousers by simply removing the triangle of cloth sewn into the bottom of each leg? These colourful triangles can then be attached to a length of string to provide colourful bunting for Royal Wedding celebrations!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel "Lo Que Es Una Gran Noche!"

Whatto! Peeps....

I was fortunate enough to get to see the Legendary 'Beuna Vista Social Club' in concert on Saturday night....and the warm Cuban sounds took me straight back to our wonderful holiday in Cuba....

The Buena Vista Social Club was a members club in Havana, Cuba that held dances and musical activities, becoming a popular location for musicians to meet and play during the 1940s. In the 1990s, nearly 50 years after the club was closed, it inspired a recording made by Cuban musician Juan de Marcos González and American guitarist Ry Cooder with traditional Cuban musicians, some of whom were veterans who had performed at the club during the height of its popularity.

The recording, named Buena Vista Social Club after the Havana institution, became an international success.
....and judging by the crowd, who were all on their feet clapping and dancing away happily....
...it's destined to carry on that way.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Hobby Really Takes Orf!

Whatto! Peeps....

I converted my spare bedroom into a laboratory some time ago in an effort to try to replicate the 'Stargate' effect phenomenon - (so I can go back in time to sort out things which I believe went badly wrong.)
I call this device my................ Trevortron!
It's Greek and it means 'something which is entirely massive and squeezed into a spare room'
My Technicians told me yesterday that a new analysis of 10,000 proton-antiproton collisions at the Trevortron showed a weird result a couple hundred times — the numbers do not agree with the accepted theories of elementary particles and the forces that govern them. Post-collision jets of electrons and heavy particles called 'W' bosons did not behave as they should.
My Physicists now believe they might have found evidence of a new elementary particle or an entirely new force of nature, which will make me extremely important in the World of Big Bangs.......
.....and certainly someone you wouldn't want to mess with.
Remember you heard it first here!
....unless you read it here....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Explains 'The Science Of Earthquakes'

Whatto! Peeps....

Occasionally Britain is subject to small earthquakes.  

These are usually either oscillatory, or trepidatory, or a combination of both.  

Most people might be confused about these two types, so I thought it wise to let everyone know the difference.
So - What's the difference between an oscillatory and a trepidatory earthquake?

1. This explanation is for engineers: 

2. And this one is for non engineers:

This is a trepidatory earthquake 

-with it's distinctive up and down movement.....

         This is an oscillatory earthquake 

with it's distinctive side to side movement...
         
        
And this is a combination of both trepidatory and oscillatory:        

      
Isn't science beautiful when it's properly explained?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel