Lord Noel on Always learning

Whatto! Peeps...

A book entitled "How to understand women"

I have compiled this list of things I have learnt over the years...

...and I keep adding new things to it all the time:

1. I think one of a best friend's jobs should be to immediately clear your computer memory if you die.

2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

4. There is great need for emails to provide a sarcasm font.

5. How the bally heck is one supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Is it just me or do high school pupils get thicker every year?

7. I enjoy eating biscuits whilst trying to decipher that fine line between boredom and hunger.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make very good stories.

11. You never know when it will occur, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day... and yet you're expected to remain there.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...yet again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of 'Word' and it asks me "Do you want to save any changes made?" to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. If a label says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" That means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the very last ring grabbing the receiver and calling "Hello? Hello?" to nobody, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? ...Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch an entire movie and suddenly realize: A) that I've watched it before  B) I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand with the plastic cutting into my hands than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Life'

Whatto! Peeps...

Life really is a puzzle. 

You turn it this way and that.....

....and then, just when you finally manage to solve it.....

.... some chap turns up with pins in his head....

....and steals your soul.

Tallyho! 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Facts Of Life

What Ho! Pepys...

There are certain things in life that everyone should know...
...here are some of them...

Don't take lettuces from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Jeremy Kyle isn't educational TV, so why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reports On An Alien Threat

What ho! Pepys...

Two aliens landed in the wilds of Scotland desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the heather, where they landed in a heap. 
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
"If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy," the other alien answered, "it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't f*ck with him!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Winner!

What ho! Pepys...

As someone who loves the excitement of competitiveness

Today I'm feeling quite flushed!

because I've finally managed to get something out of my system. 

I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. 

As I now see it...I'm in

a Win Loos situation.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Follows The Signs

What ho! Pepys...

It's nice when signs turn out to be useful...

...rather than adding to the graffiti of our lives.

Some signs are brilliant at being able to foretell the future...

...whilst others seem to be designed purely to create anxiety...

...in disabled people...

...or offer an easy solution...

...to a disgruntled parent...

Others....

...well...they're simply baffling...

I prefer signs that are very specific...

...that way there's less chance of confusion...

...or conversely - signs that create confusion...

...just for the sheer hell of it...

...but the best ones...

...are those that just make you stop...

...and think...

Above all else it is important to properly read the sign...

...and exactly what it is saying to you...

...which is when I call upon all my training whilst in The Ministry...

especially when I have to deal with all the exciting daily news around me...

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Death

What ho! Pepys...

It has been said that after one dies there are seven minutes of electrical energy left within the human brain. During those seven minutes you can experience your entire life over again in a kind of dream-like state. And because in such a dream, time is stretched, how does one know if one is really alive or merely experiencing that seven minutes of dreaming?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Being Careful What You Wish For

What ho! Pepys...

How many of you lovely ladies have dreamt of one day finding a handsome Prince just by kissing a frog? 

Well let me tell you - it works exactly the other way round too!

Ferdinand the frog often dreamt of being kissed by a beautiful maiden who would instantly fall in love with him and cherish him for life. So one day he decided to visit a frog psychic. 

The psychic tells him to sit down while she examined one globule of spawn for images of the future and as the mists within it began to clear, she began to tell Ferdinand of his future fate.

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl - who will want to know everything about you." she said.
Obviously this was great news for Ferdinand and he edged forward on his lily pad, becoming more excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he ventured.
"No," says the psychic, "...in her biology class."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

 

Lord Noel's New Potatoes

What ho! Pepys..

I was talking to my new 'Zen gardener' yesterday and he told me this:

Lord Noel, Just like people there are many different varieties of 'Tators'.
Some potatoes never seem motivated to participate actively but are just content to watch from the sidelines with their potato eyes, whilst others do all the work. These are the..."Speck Tators."
Some potatoes are always trying to change things. They are never happy to leave things be, even if things are working fine - these are the "Ro Tators"
Some never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others work. They are called ..."Common Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems by getting others to agree with them and side with their view on things. They are never satisfied and it is always too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet for them. They are called the..."Agie Tators", "Irri Tators," and worst of all - the "Devis Tators."
There are those who often offer to help, but somehow never get around to actually doing anything. They are called ... "Hezzi Tators" or "Vege Tators."
Some can easily put up a front to please others and pretend to be something they are not. They are called ..."Imma Tators."
Then there are those who love freely and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of other potatoes. They are called ..."Sweet Tators."
Some potatoes are very bossy and like telling others what to do. They don't want to soil their own hands but they always want to be the big shots. These are known as ..."Dick Tators" and "Poten Tators"
But it's "Facili Tators", "Cogi Tators" and "Medi Tators" who always save the day and get everyone pulling together.

I told him to get on with his work.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel is NHS Stand In

What ho! Pepys...

A very good Doctor friend of mine was invited to attend a meeting.

Unfortunately he was delayed by a Medical Emergency so couldn't get there.

He sent me a message with the details - asking me if I could go in his place...

...and as it just involved listening and taking notes for him to read later on, I agreed.

I arrived at the venue in good time but was unable to find the right meeting room...

...there were so many offices in the building and some weren't even numbered!

As this was taking ages I was now late!

I was becoming a trifle flustered and embarassed...

...so I felt lucky when I saw a likely looking group through a glass screen...

...and burst into the room...

"Is this the emergency meeting of the Premature Ejaculation Society?" I asked

"I came as quickly as I could."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Values

Whatto! Peeps...

Just imagine for a moment that there is a bank that credits your account each morning 

with £86,400! But unfortunately it carries over NO balance from day to day.
Every evening the Bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. 

What would you do?

I think you'd draw out ALL OF IT each day...

Well, each of us has such a bank...

...and what's held in the account is TIME. 

Every morning, we are credited with 86,400 seconds. 

Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance. 

It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. 

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours...

...and yours alone... 

There is no going back. 

There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." 

You must live in the present on today's deposits. 

Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! 

The clock is running....constantly....

So make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask some lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.

To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the winner of a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have!

And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one....not even you...

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift...It's your present!!!

Treasure it... 

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Spots A Funeral

Whatto! Peeps....

I was walking through town today when I noticed a funeral procession approaching our local cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one and behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead and behind them were 20 men walking single file.

I was most curious to know more so I respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

He looked up at me and replied "My wife's."

''Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that" I remarked "What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her" The man replied.

I inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between us both.

"And lastly," I ventured tentatively "Who are all these chaps walking behind you?"

"That's a queue of men who want to borrow my dog."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Creates 10 New Commandments!

Whatto! Peeps...

Lord Noel smites the Vegans with his attractive hand-whittled gravestone

I have created what I like to call "The Second Ten Commandments" - for those who like such things...

 
1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross thy bridges before thouest come to them.

4. Thou shall face each problem as they come... one at a time.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care of them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. 

Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. 

It is hard to learn something new when you are talking.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity 

and will only interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones. 

Lots of small blessings add up to a big one!

Tallyho! & Keep taking the tablets...

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel on Wordlyness

Whatto! Americans & Wordsmiths....

....Lord Noel here....

I would like to wish all our American cousin peeps a very happy July the 4th...
...and hope that you all enjoy the corresponding celebrations associated with the aforementioned Anniversary.
I couldn't help noticing that you are still using (and slowly destroying I might add) our beautiful English language....whereas I would have expected a truly independent country to have invented it's own language by now?
Noel Coward once said that England and America are "Two countries divided by a common language."
But what would he know?....and he was never a Lord!
Speaking as a Lord I simply love the English language.......
....and before it goes completely 'down the pan' I would like to suggest some new definitions for words which are already in use....
Perhaps all you Yankee chaps and chapesses could slowly introduce them over there for me?
Thanks awfully...
Here they are:

Flabbergasted (adj.), this is when you are appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (n.), an explanation attempted whilst drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), finally realising you're impotent.

Negligent (adj.), when you absent mindedly answer the door in your wife's nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.

Rectitude (n.),the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "RIP Larry"

Whatto! peeps.... 

Larry LaPrise at the height of his fame with his wife Brian and their son Timmy

In Memorium 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, I think it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person...

...which almost went unnoticed last week.   

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93.  

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  

They put his left leg in.....  

...and then the trouble started.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "Happy Solstice!"

Whatto! Peeps....

Around this time of year I like to take stock.....

....but the Department stores have got wise to me and have me tailed whenever I enter the shop.

So instead.....

I think about our very own yellow dwarf....

....that almost perfectly spherical ball of mainly hydrogen...

...which is, after all, the centre of our Solar system....

....and currently traveling through the Local Interstellar Cloud in the Local Bubble zone, within the inner rim of the Orion Arm of the Milky Way galaxy!....so stick that in your SatNav!....

The Sun is a magnetically active star....

....and it's influence spreads way beyond our Solar system...

The Sun's amazingly beautiful magnetic field

 It supports a strong, changing magnetic field that varies year-to-year and reverses direction about every eleven years around solar maximum.

It is 109 times larger and 330,000 times heavier than Earth.

Now we are at our closest point to it....

a mere 150,000,000 kms away!

And it is this closeness (caused by the axis of our planet) that gives us the Summer months we so enjoy....

.....and reminds us, as we fret over the more mundane issues here on Earth, that yet another Solar year on this planet has passed.....

...whilst out there in the Cosmos...

..amazing things are happening, quite naturally, every moment....

Have a Good One!

-oooxxxoo(((((O)))))ooxxxooo-

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on An Obituary from the Times Newspaper

 Whatto! Peeps.......

 

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for so many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape, but he will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- When to stop digging;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- That Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe I'm to blame.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue YOU for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him please spare a few moments reminiscing in memory of him now.....

...or join the majority and do nothing."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Explains Wheel Life

Whatto! Peeps..... 

At age 4 success is not peeing yourself.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing yourself

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals All About Us

Whatto! peeps....

Did you know?.....

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

Go on....you know you want to......

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 

At last!... Rodney's foot spray seemed to be working

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

298, 299......300!

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
....Men will still be busy....
....checking their thumbs.

Thumbs Up!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps You Increase your 'Narj Nalij'

Whatto! Peeps..........

If you are ever fortunate enough to visit this part of the world.....
...it's always a good idea to familiarise oneself with the local lingo.
I was lucky enough to be furnished with this useful pamphlet on my arrival which I found invaluable!

"Pronounced Narj it is a City which was invented in 1923 and is kept in Naafuk where it has lived ever since.

Narj has a population of approximately 2500 of which 2438 are related to each other and the rest are classed as Furriners who have decided to settle there from somewhere beyond 'the great Horizon'.

Many people still believe that if you travel past Theford (The Great Horizon) you will fall off the edge of the world and be devoured by DELIA the Great Star Goat.

Narj was built by Nicholas Parsons a man who became famous for inventing some of the best Sales in a hundred years. These Sales attracted many people and Narj rapidly became a sprawling city filled with "Pointless Super Heroes"

These Include:

THE PUPPET MASTER
Special Ability: Hypno Puppets that stun and mesmerise passers by with their inane jumping up and down to Des O Connor Cd's. He is actually a multi-millionaire, having left his successful career as a merchant banker to "give something back to the people"


FLUTE MAN
Special ability: Plays a flute at ranges far beyond those of the human ear Unfortunately the ones that are in the range of the human ear are vastly out of tune.


BAG WOMAN
Special Ability: Knockout Soapy BO. Has a huge array of technical gadgetry hidden away in her shopping trolley full of mysterious bags.


MARIGOLD
Special Ability: Traffic Direction. Although no longer around, MARIGOLD was one of the true Norwich Super Heroes, equipped with a flourescent Jacket or vest and bright yellow marigold gloves, you would find him, in times of National Emergency, defending the City by standing on a traffic roundabout directing the traffic. Unfortunately, quite a few people actually took notice of what he was telling them to do, resulting in the building of Narj Union Insurance Department.


THE INCREDIBLE MARKET TWINS
Special Ability: Flower Selling. Although conceived during a radioactive storm and genetically altered to look identical, these dynamic duo are far from it. Dressed in their costumes, Green & yellow for one, Blue & White for another, these colourful fengibbons are anything but identical.


RADIO MAN
This remarkable chap loves his sport so much he's a wannabee commentator, also known to be a bit of a Karaoke king, using not a microphone but an old 1970's transistor radio glued to one ear, you've gotta love this guy, who provides entertainment when waiting for a bus outside the central big 'D' department store. 

Vocabulary
Here are some useful Narj phrases and words....
....should you wish to 'Teach Yourself Narj':
 
Narj Yoonyun - Major Employer of both Norfolk and Sri-Lankan people
Thaangkoo - Spoken at high speed, used by shop assistants when accepting money.
Howyer gettinarn buh? - Local greeting
Rup Bah - Variation on the above
Cumhair - Please join me 

Shicargoo's - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road , Narj
Bare - Sold by the pint in Shicargoo's
Issatroight? - Comment to show that attention is being paid to the speaker
Assajook - I'm just kidding
Khazi - Suburb on the western edge of Narj
Tross - Suburb on the southside of Narj
Windum - Small town south of Narj (Sensible abbreviation of it's proper name : Wymundimunidundim)
Loose-tarfed - An East coast fishing port
Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off Loose-tarfed
KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St Stephens, Narj
Hum Base - DIY store
Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base
Fool - Petrol or Diesel
Droive ua stedibor - please drive with great care
Gutehecbuh - Gracious! How surprising
Stoopud - Term applied to very silly people
Gaatoo - Sticky chocolate cake
Footoo - Something taken with cameras
Sproiy - Fizzy lemon drink
Boost - To brag about ones achievements
Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace
Ar yaorrite, bor - Good Morning
Ar yaorrite, bor -  Good Afternoon
Ar yaorrite, bor - Good Evening
Hay yagittin arntagetha? - Hello
Yow sillerowld fule - Comment made to someone displaying "backward" tendancies
How ferarya doin' bor? - How are you?
Loitoose - Bright thing found at Happisburgh
Haysbra - Local pronounciation of the Coastal village with a loitoose
Furriners - People who come from anywhere outside of Thetford
Thasarumman - How Odd!
Blast Bor, yow git a ding-a-tha-lug - Very soon I'm going to hit you
Fare t'middlin - I'm not doing too badly
Bishy Barny Bee - Ladybird
Thasabiton thehuh - It looks uneven to me
Traa'er - a farming vehicle
Dicka - horse
Ha'yer farvagorra dicka, bor? - does your father own a horse
Cumboine airvista - an agricultural vehicle
Carrarud - a place where narj people go to watch their football team lose
Wayooupt'urday - what have you got planned for today?
Oovahair - im over here
Ci'ee - as in Narj Ci'ee: a place for shopping
Nooidare - I don't know
Lullyolejarb - Excellent! 
 

Our Founding Father!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel