Lord Noel Likes Olympics

What ho! Pepys...

What a spectacular start to the Games!
It was far far better than I had hoped for.

I loved the humour involved and even all the expected Patriotism that was created during the opening ceremony. It's just a shame it wasn't paid for by somebody other than the poor old British taxpayers.
Shame that we'll all be paying for it for the next thousand years.
Anyway. Now the atheletes can take centre stage and show us what they've got...
...atheletes like this cycling team.
Lady Jacqueline showed me this picture and asked me what country they came from.
I took one look at the picture and knew immediately...

...and I replied "Darling that's easy! One can very clearly see their Poles!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says What The Deuce?

What ho! Pepys...

Love-15-30-40. If you've played tennis or watched even a handful of matches, you know that to be the game's basic scorings system. And you probably think it makes no sense whatsoever. If you're counting by fifteens -- which is rare in the first place -- you'd hit 45, not 40. And "love" isn't a number at all. But there they are. There's a good amount of debate as to why, but the most likely explanation has to do with a weird confluence of eggs, English, clocks, and an inability to divide an odd number by two without a resulting remainder.


Let's start with the eggs, or, more accurately, the egg.

Eggs are, of course, oval shaped, much like the number zero. And in a few sports, they're used as such -- "goose egg" is common in American sports, and "duck," short for "duck's egg," is common in cricket. Tennis may be an addition to the list. The sport most likely dates back to 12th century France, and, as such, many of the rules and much of the terminology has carried forward since. The French term for "the egg" is "l'ouef," which, if you're not a French speaker, sounds a lot like the word "love." It is likely that a series of English speakers simply replaced the French word with its English homophone.

As for the actual numbers? Certainty as to their origin has been lost to antiquity, but the most likely explanation involves a pretty simple way to keep score: clock faces. The first point would earn you one quarter of a revolution, or 15 (minutes or seconds), the second point moves you to 30, and the third to 45. When the game ended, both clocks would be reset to the top. Easy -- except that tennis games have to be won by two or more points. If both players were on a 45, then what? Even moving the hand half-way wouldn't work, as 60 minus 45 is 15, which is not divisible by two.

The elegant solution? Move 45 to 40. When the players tied at 40-40 ("deuce"), the next point would be worth 10, moving the clock to 50. If the same player earned the subsequent point, he or she would get another ten points and win the game. If not, his or her clock would be reset to 40, and the players would be deadlocked at deuce again.
 
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

What ho! Pepys.....

....Lord Noel here....

"Hey there's water!.... I'll just go and wash my balls"

I am orften asked by my good Lady wife.....

....what the attraction is of Golf to a man of my tender years.....

.....and I told her "I can sum up the attractions of Golf by giving you a list.....

....the infamous 'Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex' list"....

....and I proceeded as follows:....

You see, In golf....

It's very difficult to get the ball in the wrong hole

A below par performance is considered good.

You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

Wallop! She certainly knows how to stroke balls

Foursomes are encouraged.

You can still make money doing it as a senior.

Three times a day is possible.

Golf - 'A nice walk ...ruined'

Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

Neville preferred to play with himself - wanker!

And best of all................

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Time to trade in the old bag?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Sport of Kings

Whatto! Peeps...

Recently I went to Great Yarmouth racecourse 

for a little flutter in the geegees.

I know one of the Touts there who gave me some 'names to watch'.

But, despite all his advice, I lost money on the three horses I put bets on.

It was so unusual for me that I even remember their names.

One was called 'Sunshine', 

another was called 'Moonlight'

and the last one was 'Good Times'. 

(I blame it on the bookie).

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Athletic Excellence

Whatto! Peeps...

All these sperms were produced by Atheletes suspected of having used Viagra

 Following the review of atheletes caught using banned substances

the Olympic committee are now considering banning sprinters caught using Viagra 

but so far they haven't been able to come up with any hard and fast rule

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Sportmanship

Whatto! Peeps...

I see that my idea of lighting the Olympic torch early has really been taken on board!

By the way - I can totally understand the rioters mindset...
...whenever something stressful happens to me...
...the first thing I want to do is go out, smash in a shop window and steal some electrical equipment.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "On The Ball City!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

What a fantastic Birthday present for our lovely, internationally renown but totally local TV Chef Delia Smith....
....as Norwich finally secure their position in the Premiership Division!

As Chairman of the club she is naturally absolutely thrilled to bits.
It's been a bit of a cliff hanger at times and lots of nails have been well bitten down to the knuckles as Norwich got closer to their goal.......
...and last night it literally was just one goal.
The guessing and worry is finally over as only two teams can be assured of promotion....
...and Norwich (together with QPR) are confirmed as being one of those two teams.

I've already rung Paul Lambert the team's manager to let him know that they have made myself and Lady Jacqueline extremely happy.....

....and he was very pleased with my news - telling me that awfully nice chap Stephen Fry (also a Chairman of the club and an avid Norwich City fan) is totally ecstatic too!...
Stephen's exact words were " Yeeesssssssssss! Hurrah hurrah hurrah hurrah hurrah!!!!!!!! Yeeeeeeee-hi!!! NCFC in the premiership!!! I'm so happy I could explode!! Oh my Lordy I just don't know what to DO with myself ... Norwich City FC in the premiership! Let joy be unconfined!"

Well done everyone!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Having Some Sport

What ho! Sportsfans....

Let me introduce you to:
 
12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Ooops! We Did It Again...."

What ho! Pepys....

Those immortal words....

....first uttered in public by Britney Spears...

...sum up Englands performance today....

.....in the long awaited show down....

....against our arch enemies....

....the dreaded Germans...

....who thrashed our Brash Brittanic Botties in a 4-1 (2 really) win in Sud Afrika.

It was always going to be a game of two halves.....

....and (as I said to David Beckham in our telephone conversation during half time) .....

....I said " David, if England can just manage to score 3 more goals we can actually draw with the Krauts....

....and then face them in a penalty shoot-out...

...which we might not lose!"

I think we would have been much better chosing a completely different venue for this very imprtant match.....

....I'm surprised at the Manager not opting for the smaller, and little used, Kraptorian Stadium....

....which lies further South.

On that pitch....

....with England playing left to right....

....the second half would have been very much more interesting.

So....

.....with England's World Cup dreams finally lying in tatters......

...and the tears of dejection being sobbed uncontrollably into the dressing room of time....

.....it's a final 'goodbye' to England.....

....who can now return to their overpaid jobs at their famous clubs....

....and regain their confidence as true Celebrities.....

.....by playing with other players....

....who may just recognise the idea of 'Team'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Phew!"....and Far Between

Whatto! Pepys....

With a huge sigh of relief!....

...I can now announce the following....

At last the England team look like ....

....a TEAM!

The way they played together against Slovakia...

....and the resulting 1-0 score

(thanks to a brilliant flying kick from Jermaine Defoe) belies the skill which England successfully employed.

Suddenly they seem like a team to believe in!

No longer the collection of pampered celebrities being paid vast sums to run around in shorts!

There is a poetic and historic justice in being now drawn to play Germany....

....and no doubt there will be countless references to 1966 over the next few days.....

....and maybe the second World War too?

....Bally Heck!

It certainly took our mind orf the Budget which included huge hikes in VAT (something both Parties said would never happen if they were in power)......

"So the Politicians LIED to us?!"

Well THERE'S a surprise!

That's one team I will NEVER believe in....

....but thanks to them......

....and those greedy Bankers.....

....we'll all be seeing a lot less of this.....

Suddenly....the Football seems like a welcome diversion!

Come on ENGLAND!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Land Of Hope And Other Stuff....

What ho! Pepys.....

After watching the long awaited second match for our famous England football team....

...I feel strangely deflated.....

Weren't these first few matches supposed to be EASY?

Well tonight Sportsfans....

...I saw a game in which the better team made the opposition look very...

....'Average'

And I'm talking about Algeria!

What's happened to Rooney?....He never really woke up.....

....the passing was really poor.....

....they lost possession most of the time.....

...no-one was able to get close enough to the Algerian goal to get a goal....

....all our chances came from long shots....

...well outside the area.

What's happened Chaps?

These players are some of the best known faces in the World.....

Infamous some of them!

Maybe there's just too much happening off the field?

What's the use of having a team of 'Celebrities'....

...if they can't win a Football Match?

I know one thing...

...if England are going to win anything....

....they will have to improve dramatically...

....and very, very soon!

Where's the spark?

Where's the flair?

I just ain't seeing it.....

Come on England!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Winning Formulas

Whatto! peeps....

Lewis Hamilton has done it again!

Impressively winning the Formula 1 Grand Prix....

....at the wonderful track in Montreal, Canada....

....with fellow McLaren Mercedes team member Jenson Button 2.2 seconds behind his rear wing.

Lewis certainly has it all!

...Talented, confident, healthy....

....and partnered up with the amazingly attractive pussycat doll Nicole Scherzinger..

...Wallop!

...he certainly has plenty to celebrate!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes Lord Noel

Lord Noel On World Cup Fever

What ho! Pepys...

It's World Cup time once again!...

...and I settled down last night....

....to watch England play against our notorious cousins....

....the mighty US of A!

I was all geared up for the match....

...suitably attired....

...and we were joined by family members to get a bit of an 'atmos' going....

But alas.....

....the match was a total dissapointment for any of Her Majestys subjects....

....with the bally goal keeper letting in a howler that any amateur would be ashamed of....

...let's hope their subsequent matches are a little more compelling!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Rowing Overboard

Whatto! Sports fans....

In the news this week ....two women from Bristol in Southern England......

....who are attempting a world record by rowing across the Atlantic.

Mel King, 37 (on the right), and Annie Januszewski, 40, say they hope to beat the world record of 75 days for two women rowing across the Atlantic.

The pair said they are hoping to row 3,000 miles from Gomera in the Canary Islands to Antigua in the West Indies in only 70 days!

The women, who plan to start the voyage this week if the weather is favorable, said they originally planned to row for 15 hours a day in their bras and underwear, but have now decided to strip down completely to reduce chaffing from friction with clothing.

 

"I've just turned 40 but I'd like to get it straight that I'm NOT going through a midlife crisis," screamed Januszewski whilst chewing an oar.....

..."It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done..

..and boy is my bum going to suffer!.....

.....but hopefully being nude will also allow us to shave days off our time."

'Shave'?...

...now THERE'S and idea!

Tallyho!

Oh to live on a warm island where nude yachtswomen turn up!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Gaga

Dress by Yourself

Lord Noel Notices Too Many Birdies

Whatto! Tiger Woods.....

I often wondered why you were called 'Tiger'.....

You aren't exactly what I would call....

....a 'Raver'on the golf course..

..but NOW it all makes sense.

People are saying "Maybe he should change his name....

.... to 'Tomcat' or 'Cheetah' Woods?" 

But I say "Hold On!"

....let's just think about this.....

You're a man who's made a living from.....

.... playing 18 holes each day....

.....so having Six girl friends makes perfect sense.
 

Actually I think it's interesting....

... that this has become main news......

....whilst one of the big issues...

... at the moment is global warming...... 

The earth may be getting hotter.....

....but apparently...

... there's at least one place on Earth....

......where the temperature is cooling DRAMATICALLY....
....and that's Tiger Woods bedroom. 
Har! Har! 

And now a comprehensive medical evaluation...

... of Tiger's injuries has been completed.....

.....a team of Doctors have concluded.....

....that Elin definately used a Sand Wedge. 

I have been inspired by Tigers recent performance.....

....so I asked my good Lady wife...

...for the new set of golf clubs this Xmas....

.....I want the one's Tigers using.....
....they're called "Trangressions".....

.....they have a really stiff shaft.....

.....and over-sized heads.....

....but there's just one problem....

....they cost $55,000,000. 

That's an extremely close shave....

...even by GILLETTE's standards!

I remember Tiger Woods...

... being interviewed last year.....

.....and he was asked...

... "What is your favourite golf course?" 

We should have known what was in store...

...when he replied...

...'INTERCOURSE'!
I can just imagine the type of commentary...

... we'll be getting on TV now.....

..."After that last solid drive.....

...Tiger's ball's resting on the lip of the hole"......

..."Wo! Tiger really threw his hips into that one!".....

..."Over the last 5 hours Tiger...

... has put on an amazing display....

.....of deep powerful drives and sweet short strokes."

Seriously though....

....Tiger Woods was asked yesterday....

...if he had any regrets. 

His wife said, "Yes he certainly does....

.....he wishes he was born with two penises!"

To which Tiger replied....

"FOUR!"

Tallyho!

Has a Tiger ever grappled with your nether regions?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse