Showing posts with label news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label news. Show all posts

Monday, 24 September 2012

Lord Noel Says "Read All About It!"

What ho! Pepys...
 
 
Strange what makes Headlines sometimes... 
 
"Infertility unlikely to be passed on"
Montgomery Advertiser

"Teen-age girls often have babies 
fathered by men"
The Sunday Oregonian

"Man shoots neighbor with machete"
The Miami Herald

"Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear"
Journal of Commerce

"Some phone psychics provide useless, 
erroneous information"
Staten Island Sunday Advance

"Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh"
The Flint Journal

"Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues 
of Sexism":
The Los Angeles Times
 
 
 Tallyho!
 
Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Lord Noel Reminds You All Of A Frothcoming Publication

What ho! Pepys...


I'm not sure whether you will be privy to this outstanding publication
but those wonderful chaps and chapesses at 'Famous' Magazine 
have done a rather largely massive article
with FULL colour and black and white (tasteful) photographs 
of myself and Lady Jacqueline
relaxing together here at our New Luxury Holiday Villa.
One hopes that one will enjoy it!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday, 9 March 2012

Lord Noel on Ye Olde Crop Cyrcels

Whatto! Peeps...
Here is a lively front page from a 17th Century Newsletter...


...proving (to me at least) that Crop Circles are nothing new...
...only then it was caused by 'The Devil'!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Lord Noel Reads The Tabloids

What ho! Pepys...


I've just read an article in a well known daily tabloid newspaper
about a footballer's wife. 
She was having sex in a car park 
with the man who had also been paid to spy on her! 
Sounds like a clear case of the wag dogging the tail...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Friday, 11 November 2011

Lord Noel Hath Provide'd a Newys Summariee

What ho! Pepys...

To save all you very busy people the trouble of having to read through all those tediously verbose periodicals full of superfluous information. I have condensed this week's news into an almost manageable soundbite that even this 'Think in Tweetlength' generation may be able to reach the end of.
Here is a Summary of this week's news. 

A rich chap wriggles out of something...
... some rich chaps get a hospital...
...some more rich chaps argue about a continent. 
Some rich chaps change the name of a football stadium...
...and a rich chap is made prime minister of a bankrupt country.
That is all.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Lord Noel Says "Watch Out! - It's All Kicking Orf!"

Whatto! Peeps...


With everything happening elsewhere in the World..
...all the Wars...
...Famine...
...Pollution...
...it's quite reassuring when the latest news in the UK includes this...


...and even the BBC cover a story like this.
So I am pleased to add a little local news of our own
...to this frantic melting pot....

I blame the Media for taking what started orf as a kerfuffle and blowing it up out of all proportion into a To do and then continuing to fan the flames until it became the fully blown Rumpus we are now experiencing. If this is not dealt with immediately by the Authorities then I fully expect that next year this is likely to become a Commotion or maybe even....an Uproar! You have been warned!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Friday, 22 April 2011

Lord Noel 'Made In Britain!'

Whatto! Peeps....

In honour of the United Kingdom's gay marriages policy, a British furniture company is now selling special self-assembly 'lesbian beds'. 
There's absolutely no screwing involved......
.....it's all just tongue and groove.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 28 June 2010

Lord Noel Notices Goldilocks Got Arrested

What ho! Pepys....


And now a TRUE story from Christchurch, New Zealand.....
.....which would create a bizarre dilemma...
....for any man.
The question is......
What would you do, if you returned home.....
.....and found an attractive blonde....
.....passed out in your bed?
Ms Vanessa Joy Long, 39, who has long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail....
.....is described as a "Goldilocks-style burglar".....
(I like to think of her like this....)


......after she raided a fridge, drank the alcohol, ate food and tried on clothes.....
.....she fell fast asleep in the family bed.
When her 'victims' returned.....
....they decided to phone the Police!
(And so, of course, would I......
....eventually!)
Ms. Long, pleaded guilty in Christchurch District Court, saying "I blacked out after entering the house through an unlocked back door and have no idea what happened."
The home-owner is seeking $1,050 in damages for "damage to the bedding and mattress", and "the cost of food and drink" taken from their home in Christchurch.
Judge Stephen Erber remanded Ms. Long on bail for sentencing until September 1.
I'd just like to say to Ms Long that if you ever come to Britain, I have waiting just for you - a fully stocked bar, plenty of food and some skimpy clothing!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Lord Noel Knows What You're Driving At

Whatto! Motorists......


As we bask in the unseasonal warmth of our 'Indian Summer'.....
....some parts of Europe haven't been quite so sunny.

Fritz.....(a motorist in the small town of Guetersloh, Germany) ....
.....was negotiating a particulary dense fog recently......
......guiding his car along at a snail's pace.....
....because the visability was so dreadful.

He decided that the safest place to be.......
....in thick fog like this......
.....was in the middle of the road.....
....with his head poking out of the drivers window......
....to try to see anything that might be approaching...
....through this gloomy pea-souper.


Apparently........
...Fritz then received a severe blow on the head.......
.....from something that he hadn't seen.
It was the head of another motorist......
....who was approaching him from the opposite direction......
....with HIS head out of the window in exactly the same way.
Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries.....


......But their cars weren't damaged at all.
 
Tallyho!


Have you ever had a 'snails-pace' accident involving your head?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Lord Noel Summarises The Ig Nobel Awards

What ho! Prizewinners..


Around this time of year......
....some eyes focus on the Annual Award ceremony .....
....which is the 'Ig' Nobel Awards.
These 'Ig Nobel' awards, nominated by the staff at Harvard University's Annals of Improbable Research and voted on by real Nobel Prize laureates, recently held is awards ceremony.
The Igs, as the awards are affectionately called, are an irreverent celebrations of real research that "cannot, or should not, be repeated".
This year, Igs recipients were allowed no more than 60 seconds to deliver their acceptance speech.......
...(a time limit enforced by an eight-year-old girl).

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

Switzerland 

Stephan Bolliger and colleagues at the University of Bern won the not-so-coveted Peache Prize for research on whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full beer bottle or an empty one.
"Empty beer bottles are sturdier than full ones," the researchers reported......
"However, both full and empty bottles are theoretically capable of fracturing the human neurocranium."
Facinating!


America
Elena Bodnar of Hinsdale, Illinois, was award the Public Health prize for patenting a bra that, in an emergency, can be converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the owner and one for a needy bystander.
"It was inspired by the Chernobyl nuclear accident," said Bodnar, who is originally from Ukraine.
"This way, the mask is always readily available." 


Mexico
For Ig Nobel Chemistry -  to Javier Morales and two colleagues at the National University of Mexico for turning the national drink, tequila, into diamonds!
Yes! Thin films of diamond were produced by heating 80%-proof tequila blanco in a pressure vessel.
The man's a GENIUS!
But can he turn diamonds into Tequila?


The U.S 

...struck gold again when Donald Unger, a doctor in Thousand Oaks, California, won the Medicine Prize for cracking the knuckles of his left hand, but never those on his right, every day for 60 years to investigate whether it caused arthritis. Unger, now 83, told reporters: "After 60 years, I looked at my knuckles and there's not the slightest sign of arthritis.
I looked up to the heavens and said: 'Mother, you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong'."
(She would have been so proud.)

Some very agreeable Japanese telephones

Japan
walked away with the Biology Prize for research by Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu and Zhang Guanglei, of the  Kitasato University graduate school of medical sciences, for demonstrating that kitchen waste can be reduced by more than 90% by using bacteria extracted from giant panda excrement.
Taguchi suspected panda feces must contain bacteria capable of breaking down even the hardiest of foods because of the bear's vast consumption of bamboo.


Ireland

...is noted for its writers and poets, so it's no surprise to that the entire police force of Ireland won the Literature Prize for issuing more than 50 penalties to a man they supposed to be the most persistent driving offender in the country: a Mr. Prawo Jazdy........
...whose name in Polish means.....
"driver's license".


Icelanders
...will probably not be thrilled that the Ig Nobel's Economics Prize went to the directors, executives and auditors of four Icelandic banks: Kaupthing bank, Landsbanki, Glitnir bank and Central Bank of Iceland, "for demonstrating that tiny banks can be rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa -- and for demonstrating that similar things can be done to an entire national economy".


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Lord Noel On Being Over The Limit

Whatto! Police Officers.....
  
I read that two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic
police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar
gun recently....
.....happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists,
when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an
unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
Having shaken and tapped the 'gun' in the prerequisite
manner the mystery was suddenly explained seconds later
as a low flying jet hurtled over their heads.

 
The boys in blue, apparently upset at the damage caused
to their radar gun, put in a formal complaint to the RAF......
..... but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe........
They reported that "The jet's target-seeker had locked on
to the 'enemy' radar......
and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface
missile attack"........
Luckily, this particular jet was operating unarmed. 
 
Have you been given a speeding ticket whilst flying a jet? 
 
 
 Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Lord Noel Sings Happy Birthday To || | ||| | |||||| || || !

Whatto! Grocers........
Today is the 57th Birthday of the humble BARCODE!
Yes!
That seemingly random collection of vertical lines that somehow convey so much information to shopkeepers up and down the country......
...and throughout the entire World of Commerce.......
....is 57 years old today!
From this abstract patterning....
....grocers are able to tell exactly what the item is.....
....and therefore how many have been purchased in any given period.......
....thus preventing them.....
....from getting behind....
....with their stocktaking
"Keymarket" was the first supermarket to use barcodes....
....thirty years ago.....
(twenty seven years after it was first invented in America)
....and although they were obviously pioneers at that time....
....one can't help asking....
..."Whatever happened to Keymarket?"
Today the Barcode has come along way....
....and designers try to include them in products.....
....in more interesting ways.
The Original design for a barcode was round.......
....and although the computer can read a circular image more easily....
....it was a difficult design to reproduce in printed form.....
....so Barcodes ended up as the familiar row of black bars......
.....that we know and love today.
They help us to identify things very quickly........
....e.g.......
"What am I standing on?".....
....."Oh yes.....it's a 2898701445"
And anything in the World can now be barcoded......
......but is it for our benefit.....
....or a computers?
Take this Priceless 4890624931 for example......
......the Barcode ......with an enigmatic smile.
Beautiful?
Functional?
Art?
Out of stock?
Sometimes one can find oneself......
.....just staring at the Barcode.....
....in hypnotic disbelief.
No longer a merely functional item.......
....it can be used as a symbol for those in love....
.....with shopping.
"We met in the 8 items or less queue!"
"I scanned her details.....and liked what I saw"
I wonder how long it will be before Supermarkets offer 'Express Marriage' cashtills?
In which case these rings will come in very handy......

Just pass the ringed hands over the scanner....
.....and a mechanical voice from the till says.......
...."With this Barcode....I thee wed"
Aaaaaaaaaah......
Romantic isn't it?
They convey so much information.......
....that it's really only a matter of time.....
....before they become compulsory.....
....for everyone.

What are YOUR barcode experiences?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Lord Noel On The Wizard Of Oz

Whatto! Australians..........

 
The land of spiders......
....where it's possible to 'whipe' ones ar5e......
....which I believe is a cross between a 'whip' and a 'wipe'....
....either way it sounds painful to me.
But not half as painful as the emotional effects created by.....
....the mysterious 'Sign writing Wizard' .....
....(an anonymous person)......
....who created some very public messages.....
....for a lady named Jennifer.
One day...........
.....in the very early hours.......
....... this 'Wiz' secretly erected three separate signs along the Barrenjoey Road, in Avalon.
His feelings were seemingly romantic:
..... the first sign said......

 
Aaaaaaaah!
How nice!.........
But the next one said:
  
Oh dear!.....
And a bit further down the road.........
....the next sign added:
  
Locals were divided over whether the increasingly bitter signs were a joke or whether to feel sorry for Jennifer.
"Whenna furst sore it I wuz just on me bike"said retailer Jeff Kahler.......
"I wuz larffin me bluddy head orff.........
Theres been some really gud soins puddap...
...... but I reckon these are sommada best.....
...... it sertenly took me bluddy mind orff me dryvin."
Another Avalon resident said: "I think it's a praink.........
.... If not, it's reeelly meeen.......
...... or Jennifa screwed app beeg time."
And then things began to look up a little for poor Jennifer: Local council rangers took down all the spiteful signs........
......... but not to preserve Jennifer's dignity.......
...... oh no!....
....simply because the 'Wiz' behind the signs hadn't received permission to put them up.

What are YOUR experiences of 'breaking up'?

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Lord Noel On People Who Must Make 'em Laugh

What ho! Explorers.....
If you go outside.....
....and look up into the sky.......
....you may just be able to see......
....high above you.....
....the diminutive frame.....
....of a clown.
Yes....a clown......
....whirling silently in space........

Not a cartoon clown....
....but a real clown...
...hovering high above us all.
And the name of this Clown....
...is Guy Laliberte.

This Clown is very well known in the entertainment world....
....being the founder of 'Cirque du Soleil'......
..... which he still has a 95% stake in.
'Cirque du Soleil' is a circus arts and theatre performance company that turned 25 this year.
The Cirque kicked off its 1988 debut in New York with a benefit for homeless people.
Laliberte, who is the father of five children and is engaged to be married to his current fiancee, was born in Quebec City and started out as a teenage fire-eater..........
.....and he's also been a stilt walker, a musician and a magician.
But it was the magic he worked with a rag-tag bunch of street performers from the Quebec hamlet of Baie-St-Paul to create the Cirque du soleil in 1984 that got him noticed in a really big way.

The Cirque shunned the traditional use of animals and instead embraced acrobats, high-tech, music and dance.........
It wowed audiences and its mind-bending performances have even become a sort of shorthand for screenwriters in movies and TV when they want to suggest a character has seen a glitzy, hot-ticket show.
"We're trying to reinvent the circus and make people laugh at the same time," says Laliberte......
"I'm doing what every kid dreams about: running away and joining the circus. The problem is that it's my circus - and administering it..... is not quite the same as performing......
....There are days when I wish I could run away to Hawaii - like I once did when I was a teen - and just do my fire-eating act on the beach. Life was really so much simpler then."
"He's the kind of guy that is never happy with a normal life," says Daniel Lamarre, a longtime friend of Laliberte and the Cirque's president and CEO.
Lamarre suggests that attitude hasn't changed much.
"He doesn't like to do the day to day of the business," Lamarre says of the 50-year-old Laliberte. "That's why I'm doing it, because he wants to keep his focus on the creative content......
As much as Guy is an amazing businessman, the one place where he's above everyone else is creative content and international development.
Those two things still keep him stimulated."

Laliberte has wowed masses of people, including politicians and pop stars with his show.
Elton John was once so impressed with a Cirque show that he flew from Hawaii to San Francisco with 10 friends in tow to see the troupe perform again.
The Cirque became a 'for-profit' group in 1985.
Laliberté eventually bought out his majority partner in 2000......
....And he hit the jackpot in 1991 when Steve Wynn brought Cirque to Las Vegas.
Today the business makes $550 million (revenues) and has four permanent shows in Sin City, including the $165 million "Ka," which opened in February 2005 at MGM Grand.
It produces a total of ten shows, with another three on the way.

Laliberte has been driven all his life by two things - creating unique artistic content and helping change the world....
..... even in little ways such as helping villages in Honduras and Nicaragua get clean water.
"It's probably one of the best kept secrets," Lamarre said of the Cirque's philanthropy.......
...."That one per cent of the organization's box-office take goes to social causes".
"As you can imagine, one per cent of our box office represents millions of dollars," Lamarre said.......
.... "But Guy came to me two years ago and said...... that's not enough."
That conversation led to the creation of the 'One Drop Foundation' which also raises awareness of the threat to global water supplies.
And Guy doesn't blink in the face of risk, whether it's negotiating with Ringo Starr and Yoko Ono for a Beatles-themed Cirque show......
..... or climbing into a space-bound rocket.

Laliberte and his two fellow astronauts were cheered by supporters wearing red clown noses during pre-launch preparations at Russia's Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan yesterday.

"He is an amazing entrepreneur and he's the one who will always provoke people to go to their limits. I think this trip he's doing is a good illustration of that. Not only is he pushing himself to his limits but he's also pushing his team to do what they're doing right now, which is to try the crazy idea of having a show coming from the space station."
While even Lamarre describes Laliberte's space mission as "surreal," the CEO says the $35-million trip isn't just a billionaire's whim or a new way to torque a Cirque show. Lamarre says it illustrates another side to the high-stakes recreational poker player.
In 2007 Laliberte finished 4th in the World Poker Tour - Season 5 - event at Bellagio in Las Vegas and won $606,220.
Not that he needed the money.......Forbes magazine estimates Laliberte has a net worth of $2.5 billion.........
.....He was also recognized by Time magazine as one of the 100 most influential people in the world.

But not everyone sees the shaven-headed Laliberte in such a flattering light......
He recently got into a legal battle over an unauthorized 'tell-all' book that alleged a wild partying lifestyle and ample supplies of drugs at the Cirque, something Laliberte has denied.
He is certainly known for throwing some amazingly wild parties over the years............
....... rubbing shoulders with a galaxy of stars, including actor Robert De Niro and director Francis Ford Coppola, and catering to their 'every need'.
Wallop!.....I can't wait to meet him!

If YOU could 'escape from it all'....where would you go....and why?

Tallyho!
Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Lord Noel Says "Let's Celebrate!"

Whatto! Non believers............


I have just been reminded that TODAY.......
....is 
INTERNATIONAL BLASPHEMY DAY!
So.....
Happy Blasphemy Day to You All!


Yes........Apparently Blasphemy Day is a new 'Holiday'..........
....which has been 'Internet Spawned'...........
....(It's already sounding quite delightful isn't it?).

It's supposed to be very similar to......
.....where you are encouraged....
...to say "Ahar!" rather alot....
...saw one leg orf....
...and make close friendships with parrots.

........or the much loved....

....where you leave your 'caps lock' button.....
..... in fully functioning mode..........
....for the entire day!
Har Har!
We're ALL Craaaaazzzzzzy aren't we!?

 
I'm sure you all greatly enjoyed celebrating both of these Days!

Well now it's Blasphemy Day!
"Yippppeeeee!" I hear you cry.....
....shortly followed by the question......
...."But what's it all about Lord Noel?"
Well..
...if you're sitting comfortably.....
...I'll tell you.
Long ago.....
... on September the 30th.......
....a Danish Newspaper........
....printed a series of Cartoons.....
....depicting the Prophet Muhammad........


....and these cartoons were so unusual....
....that they caused quite a few riots.

Now....
...an anonymously run Blasphemy Day web site is telling us........
“International Blasphemy Day is not just a day.........
(Oh Good!)........
..... It is a movement to dismantle the wall which exists between religion and criticism ..........
(Please Explain)........
.... The objective of International Blasphemy Day is to open up all religious beliefs to the same level of free inquiry, discussion and criticism to which all other areas of academic interest are subjected.”
(Please ....go on....)
Well that's it really........
(Oh ....I see)
It's certainly a Noble aspiration........
.........and I'm curious to see how we will take on this challenge.
Anyway....
....Now you know......
....and I hope that.....
....whatever your Religion......


...you manage to find some time in your already busy schedules......
....to enjoy this day.....
....in whatever way you chose to celebrate..........
......such occasions.....
....whether its being with someone you love.........
...and TALKING IN CAPS.......

....or chatting with Pirates....
.....and who could blame you?
Wallop!


...or just reflecting for a few moments.....
....on what Blasphemy Day is trying to achieve....
....and everything it stands for.

 
My own personal belief.....
....is that freedom of speech.....
...is our most precious right.....
....but....
...like any muscle...
(such as the tongue for instance)
....it must be exercised regularly.....
...in order to keep it healthy and strong....
...and if....
...IF....
.... you choose NOT to exercise it....
....then you shouldn't be surprised....
....when one day.....
....people tell you to "Zip it!"......
.....and you find......
....that you do.

What 'International Day' would YOU like to create?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel