Lord Noel's Sleep Tips

Whatto! Peeps....

If...

...when you're tucked up in bed tonight....

....you begin to hear strange noises...

..don't worry. 

It's probably just the central heating...
....or timbers creaking with changes in the temperature...

... it's certainly not ZOMBIES....
....slowly shuffling their way up the stairs...
...with their rotting, corpse-like bodies...
...and foul smelling breath...
...to get you.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noooooo

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Lord Noel Reveals - The Tell Tale Signs

Whatto! Peeps....

Now that the warmer weather has arrived....
.....and unusual behaviour is considered 'derigor'
...you may notice a sight that is becoming more frequent....
...in the more decent Pubs scattered around this green and pleasant land of ours.
As a complete Novice at this Ancient and gentle Pursuit.....
...who is still filled with great enthusiasm and gusto....
....I thought I would use myself as an example of what to look out for in a typical Morris Dancer....

....and of course....a very broad SMILE!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel at The Boat Sale

What ho! Pepys...

Periodically my watery sea legs like to venture down to Great Yarmouth Docks...

...especially when they're running one of their 'Boat Sales'.

Just in case there are any 'Bargains' to be had.

When I last went to a boat sale down on the docks...

...a Sailor offered me a tug.

"Thanks" I said "But I'm just here for a boat".

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Works On His Tan

Whatto! Pepys...

Isn't Technology brilliant?

What will they think of next?

I went swimming at my Health Spa yesterday... 

...and without telling any of us Members...

...they've only gone and put that chemical in the water...

...that turns the water brown...

...if you do a sneaky poo.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Wears Olympic Condoms

What ho! Pepys...

Now That's what I call a Private Investigator!

I said: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. 

I believe I'll wear gold tonight."

She said: "Why not wear silver 

and come second for a change?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Checks This Out

What ho! Pepys,,,

I went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

I watched the game in astonishment for a while.

then exclaimed "I can hardly believe my eyes!....

...That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," my friend replied. 

"Out of the five games we've played so far - he's only won two!" 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Chills Out With A Film

What ho! Pepys...

There is absolutely nothing wrong 

with spending an evening in viewing a jolly nice Cowboy film 

whilst enjoying a nice glass of chilled white wine...

...in fact - I would positively encourage it.

But be careful who you share this information with...
...one can so easily be misinterpreted by saying 

"I'm watching Brokeback Mountain with a Semillon" 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Confronts Your Fears

What ho! Pepys...

Our Doctors are just too busy to see any more Patients

so I am offering this online service to viewers of this blog

completely FREE OF CHARGE

in an effort to 'give something back' to the Community 

that owes me so much already.

Here's another letter I squeezed from my bulging spam box

Dear Lord Noel

I enjoy using my hands a lot.

I like hitting things with them.

Really Hard!

Now my hands are really sore from punching a tree.

Can I please have a picture of you to punch?

I hate you!

Help me!

Pete Punchdrunk

Dear Peter

Thanks for taking some 'time out'

from your obviously busy schedule to write to me

As you asked I enclose a full sized photo of myself 

from my 'swimwear collection'

My Medical advice to you is that

if your hands are sore from fisting, 

why not try pussy-footing?

You're Welcome

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on the Water

Whatto! Ship mates....

When I named my new boat.....
...I just called it after the first thing I thought of....
....ME!
But having since looked around at other boat names.....
...I realise I could have been a touch more inventive....

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel 'The Bait'

Whatto! Peeps.....

Our lovely little village has the luxury of a very picturesque duck pond...
....and with all this sunny weather we've been having I decided to go for a walk down to it.
When I got there I saw a young chap sitting next to it who I would say, appeared to be someone who enjoyed the 'simpler' things in life.
In his hand was an old stick, and tied to the end was a piece of string which was dangling in the water. 
I decided to humour the good fellow and asked, "Have you caught anything yet?" 
The youth looked up at me and studied my face for a few moments before answering, 
....."Yep, you be the fifth today."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Spoils of War

Whatto! Peeps....

As an Ex SAS member I am obviously kept on a reserve list and can be called on the carry out duties for the British Government at very short notice. 

This can be a great concern to my good Lady wife as she doesn't know exactly where the operation is taking place and won't receive any more details until I return. 

I was recently assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert as their Captain. During my first inspection of the outfit, I noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
I went to my Sergeant and asked him "Why is that camel kept there?". 

The nervous Sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on this post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges..... That's why we have Molly The Camel."
I was slightly taken aback but immediately tried to put myself into the men's shoes and realised that I would have to take a more diplomatic approach to the problem.

"I can't say that I condone this" I responded, "but I certainly understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, I began having urges of my own...... 

On night, crazy with passion, I finally asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to my tent.
I then put a ladder behind the camel, climbed up the ladder......

....and I'm ashamed to say, pulled my pants down and had wild, insane sex with Molly the camel.

It wasn't obviously something I would normally chose to do....

....but the stress of war and the unbearable heat were certainly contributing factors.....

....and in some strange way I felt, through my actions, that I may now have bonded with the rest of the Unit.
Anyway, when I was done, I asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir" he replied.....

"They usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Happy Imponderables to You!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERONE!



As the year of Our Lord 2010 comes to it's sticky end.......
...I find myself mulling over things which have concerned me a great deal throughout this year.....
.....such as.....
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
If it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
What happens when you put a light saber in water?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
When 2 people marry, they say, "You may kiss the bride". What do they say if 2 MEN get married?
Why is vanilla ice cream white.... when vanilla extract is brown?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it’s not funny at all?
Do you yawn in your sleep?.... and how do you know?
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? ...Rabbits don’t lay eggs.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Frog Giggin' - American Style

Whatto! Peeps....

Aren't Americans wonderful?
It must be great having so many morons all living in one country, all with unfettered access to innumerable firearms.....
....and they provide us with such amusing stories!....
...for example:
"Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July -  Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip. 
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. 
After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder. 
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked "How many frogs did the boys catch?"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Sex Position

Whatto! Peeps.......

I believe it's important to work hard to keep 

the magic alive in ones marriage....

.....so it was with great excitement 

that I rushed home today and said to my wife, 

"You'll never believe it, Lady Jacqueline, 

but I've discovered an entirely new position for
 

our lovemaking."

"Really Lord Noel?" said Lady Jacqueline interested 

at once. "What on earth is it?"

"It's called 'Back to back'." I exclaimed excitedly

"But that's crazy! We can't do anything back to back."

 ...she replied with growing concern

"Yes we can Darling!" I persisted

"Because I've persuaded.... 

....another couple to help us out!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Finds A New Position

What ho! Pepys....

In the Pub last night I was having a drink and a chat with a few of the local chaps.....
...when one of them asked "Have you heard about the New Position called the 'Chilean Miner'?"
"No!?" we all answered in Unison.....
....(gathering closer so as to be able to hear all the juicy details)......
"Well..." he continued "I heard about it on TV and the other night I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position......
.....She asked me 'Is it the one where I go deep down the shaft and stay there until I need to come up for air?'.....
....and I told her, "No" ... it's the one where you clear off and I don't see you for four months!" ...

How we laughed......

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Showtime

Whatto! Peeps....

Late last night, after a hearty rack of ribs...

 ....and several real ales at a local pub...
...I took to my jacuzzi....
....to enjoy an amazing free light show!
Nature put on a special meteorite shower display in the massive heavens above.
There were meteroites to be enjoyed for most of the evening as the shower passed Earth...
...but the pinnacle was scheduled for around 2am.

 It's known as the Perseid meteor shower and is sparked every August when the Earth passes through a stream of space debris left by comet Swift-Tuttle.
 So I got comfy in my seat and began to scour the beautifully blackened sky.

 We are blessed with minimal light pollution out here...
....and having no moon meant things were kept as dark as possible.
Then it began!

 Across the space a blaze of fresh white light ....
...followed by another...
....and another.....

 ...pin-prick scratches glowing across the firmament.
I counted eight in a couple of minutes.
Then, as if to say "Leave them wanting more"....
...nature drew across her curtain of cloud.....
...and the meteorite show was over!

 Brilliant!
And there's more!
....for now....
....the cloud show could begin!
As an Honourary Member of 'The Cloud Appreciation Society'.....
.....I find the sky a most amazing spectacle.
Each day we are offered a completely original performance....
...on a stage that outdoes any 'widescreen' or 'Panoramic' gimmic us humans might come up with.
And it's all there....

 ....for us to enjoy....

 ...absolutely free....

 ...whenever we want....

 ...if we just....

 ...look...

 ...up!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel And The Adventurous Antipodean

Whatto! Peeps....

I met a jolly nice New Zealand chappie the other day and he told me of the time he was capsized off the coast of Australia in very trecherous waters....

Surprisingly he and his dog managed to swim to the shore....

.....where they found themselves stranded on a tiny Island!
They searched the whole Island together but found that apart from a few sheep...it was uninhabited.
He managed to survive somehow on fruit and vegetables that were growing around the place....
...and the occasional fish he managed to catch too.
After being there for awhile, he got into the habit of going to the beach every evening with his dog, to watch the wonderful sunsets. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle.
And the thought suddenly crossed his mind that it would be a perfect night for romance!
As he sat there, the nearby sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the nearest sheep.....

......and put his arm around it.
The dog got immediately jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together....
....but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was a shipwreck off the shore. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her....

.....but he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them for as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously....
....and whispered in her ear....
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Kreating Kuddly Kids Korner

What ho! Pepys.....

As major patron of our local library....

....(which had become a trifle neglected).....

I was asked to attend a small function which would involve me officially opening the new Childrens book section....

....which they tell me they are going to call "Kids Korner"

I'm not really one for deliberately misspelling words....

...(in fact, wherever possible....

...I always use smellchecker)....

....especially in the childrens area.......

.....but that paled into insignificance when I browsed amongst the books on display.....

....and saw just how 'Modern' childrens books have become....

....since I was a lad.

Here are some of the books I encountered....

"You Were A Complete Accident" by Mal Ishusparent

"Strangers Have the Best Candy" by Reg Toothless

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" by Fingers McNutter

"Some Kittens Can Fly!" by Ivor Badtrip

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" by Adam Naked

"Getting Even More Chocolate on Your Face" by Ima Largeboned

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" by Kydee Kyllaa

"Katy Was So Bad - Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her" by Euaint Nofriends

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of

North America Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" by Blaaa Deblaadeblaaablaaweeeee

"All Dogs Go to Hell" by Moggi Strangler

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" by Lori Driver

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, they Say God did it" by Aunty Christ

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" by Pluto Neeum

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" by Woof Humperdink

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" by Frizzi Hairpeice

"Bi-Curious George" by Ivor Yearning

"Daddy Drinks So Much Because You Make So Much Noise" by Arfur Pintleft

"Mister Policeman Plays With His Service Revolver" by Holy Copper

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel