Lord Noel Gets Kerpowed

What ho! Pepys...

I was at a facinating Fancy Dress party recently

and I became engaged in an interesting conversation 

about the English language...

...with, of all people, Batman!

But it all ended horribly when I asked him "What's onomotapoiea?"

..and he just hit me repeatedly.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives A Worthwhile Tip

What ho!

Lord Noel here....

We recently had some professional decorating done here at Virtual Manor and I was absolutely delighted with the work the painter had done.
"You did a great job." I said as I handed him the cash.
"And, in order to thank-you, here's an extra £80 tip!.......Please use it to take the wife out to dinner sometime"
"Why thank you very much Lord Noel!" he exclaimed delightedly and pocketing the cash, went happily on his way.
Later that night, our doorbell rang and I opened it to find the painter standing there.
"What's the matter, did you forget something?" I asked
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your misses out to dinner like you said".

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "H£R£ H£R£ HRH!"

What ho! Fellow Royalists......

I have often been told that the Royal Family is 'an expensive luxury'....
....and one which 'we can ill afford' in these cost sensitive times....
And my response is "How dare you!"
Don't you realise that Buckingham Palace made £7m from visitors alone in 2007–2008?

And the ACTUAL cost of The Royal Family to every person in the UK is a measly 69p! - which is a teeny weeny increase of just 3p on the previous year......and what the hell can you buy for 3p these days?

And the open and honest Buckingham Palace accounts show this to be true.....so it MUST be.

They also show that the total cost to the public of keeping the monarchy increased by a mere £1.5m to £41.5m in the 2008/9 financial year.....when Bankers were lending phenomenally more to peasants who could NEVER repay the debt!

Who's money is it anyway?........There's a clue in the photograph!....Doh!!

Palace accounts also show that HRH the Queen actually had to dip into a reserve fund to boost by £6m her Civil List, which pays for the running of the Royal household. This is the largest sum ever drawn from the reserve built up in the 1990s and says something about the state of Society that we haven't bailed her out of her terrible predicament.

The Queen's Civil List, which also covers Royal household staff salaries, cost £13.9m in 2007/8 - this comprised £7.9m from government coffers and £6m from the reserve.

If the Queen continues to spend money from the reserve at the rate she is now, it will be used up by the start of her Diamond Jubilee year in 2012.....and we CAN'T allow this to happen!

Peter Hunt, BBC royal correspondent said "69p is an eye-catching figure. It's the sum royal officials proudly say the monarchy costs each person in the country. However, this headline amount doesn't include the large, but never disclosed security bill for protecting the royals around the clock."

Please give generously......because that's the way we like to spend

It's clear from these accounts that by next year, the Queen will have to go cap in hand to the government seeking an increased income. One of her annual pots of money, the Civil List, has been set at £7.9m for 20 years......therefore taking absolutely NO account for inflation!

In the good times, a surplus built up. But for the past eight years, it's been raided and is dwindling. The £7.9m Civil List funds, among other things, £11m of salaries and catering.

We may have to economise buy ditching the 14th course!

In a recession, with cuts on the agenda and an election looming, the royals face difficult financial negotiations in 2010.

If the total cost of the monarchy is calculated per taxpayer and not per person, the cost works out at only £1.33 each......jolly good value I'm sure you agree!

Of the £13.9m Civil List purse, nearly £10m went on staff salaries. Housekeeping and furnishings cost £700,000 and ceremonial functions cost £400,000. A further £1.1m was spent on catering and hospitality - within this, garden parties cost £600,000, while the cost of food and the royal kitchens came to £500,000.
Computers and IT systems cost £400,000 - double the figure for 2007 due to the launch of a new British Monarchy Website and new personnel, payroll and online recruitment systems.

The £7.9m figure that is granted by the government was frozen in 2000, to compensate for 10 years of 'over-generous payments'. It will be up for re-negotiation at the end of 2010.

And I always thought John Major was a twit!

The current deal was agreed by Sir John Major in 1990.

The shortfall has led to questions about how much Buckingham Palace will be able to ask for from the government during a recession.

Last year Buckingham Palace officials described the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers as "less than the price of two pints of milk or an MP3 player download".

But Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group (Yuk! Spit!), Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to the public was unjustified.......What?.....Treason!

  
ROYAL PUBLIC FINANCES
Financial summary, year to 31 March 2009
                                               2009 (£m)     2008 (£m)
The Queen's Civil List                13.9               12.7
Parliamentary annuities                 0.4                 0.4
Grants-in-aid                             22.6               22.0
Expenditure met by gov depts      4.6                 4.9
Total                      41.5        40.0
He said: "Once again, the powers that be are continually putting their hands into the public finances. They are not being totally clear and transparent about how that money is spent. "This is a hugely expensive institution and we should be looking at massive cuts." Mr Smith said it was possible to run a head of state at a much reduced cost, offering as examples the Republic of Ireland and Germany.

And to prove that he is totally out of his mind.......He suggested the Queen should be paid a salary of £200,000 a year!......Who the DEVIL CAN LIVE ON that PALTRY FIGURE?

"Not us that's for sure!"

Mr Smith also said that dividing the £41m between each person in the UK to arrive at the 69p figure was really a means to make the cost seem less than it was.

The £41m total does not include security provided by the police and Army or the ceremonial duties performed by the Armed Forces.

The cost of Royal travel, which is also paid by the taxpayer, increased by £300,000 from £6.2m to £6.5m.

The most expensive journeys were the long-haul overseas tours of the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall

Did someone actually PAY for THIS!?

I really don't understand what all the fuss is about......
...one only has to look into her clear blue eyes to see that whatever the cost.....
....she is worth every penny!

I wonder what the public would say if the figures were released....
....for the cost of ALL the Royals.....?....
Can you name them before clicking on the link above?....
No.....didn't think so......(and don't forget the so called 'Collaterals' listed underneath)....
...some of whom you NEVER EVER seem doing anything remotely useful!

I await this years figures with baited breath.....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord  Noel

Lord Noel Finds The Write Words

What ho! Pepys....

An English teacher we know is carrying out extra tuition to children in their home during the holidays.
She told me that she was doing an exercise with three children, Roland, Katie and Melissa last week....
....she asked them all to think of a phrase in which they could use the word "contagious".
Melissa gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Melissa," says the teacher. "Can anyone else think of one?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says when I laugh - it makes her want to laugh too!....she says it's contagious!"

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "How about you Roland?"
Roland jumps up and proudly says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2-inch brush....

....and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reading Overdue Books

What ho! Book lovers

I came across a section in our local library......
....dedicated to "The Diagram Prize Winners"....

The Diagram Prize is awarded each year to the oddest title presented at the Frankfurt Book Fair.
I browsed through this 'must read' shortlist.....

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself [A book for woodworkers]

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10) Waterproofing Your Child

Happy Reading!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On England

Whatto! Englishers.....

Goodbye to my England! So long my old friend...

Your days now are numbered, being brought to an end

If Scottish, Irish or Welsh, that's just fine

But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such

And so may Norwegians, and Swedes and the Dutch

You can say you are Russian, or maybe a Dane

But don't dare to say that you're English again.

At Broadcasting House now the word is taboo

In Brussels it's scrapped, and in Parliament too

Our schools are affected. Staff do as they're told

They must not teach children on England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw

The pupils don't learn about them anymore

How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons?

When England lost lots of her very brave sons.

We're not Europeans, how can we all be?

Europe is miles away, over the sea

We're the English from England, so let's all be proud

Stand up and be counted - and Shout it out loud!

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too

We're proud of our heritage, Red, White and Blue

Fly the flag of Saint George or the Old Union Jack

And let the world know that - WE WANT ENGLAND BACK !!!!

Tallyho!

Do you create odd poems whilst sitting on the loo?

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Frauline Hitler

Dress With Distress

Lord Noel Says "Monarchs!"

Whatto! Britishers.....

Our beautiful Queen Elizabeth.....
.... (the Second most beautiful Elizabeth).....
.....God Bless Her!.........

.......recently said that she was concerned about the rise in interest being shown by the populace in the British National Party...........

.....which has resulted in their improved showing in the polls.

As far as she's concerned there seems to be some "rascally behaviour" going on.   
In fact......she was so concerned.........

....that she paid for some research to be done by a Major Consultancy Firm.........

....."Just so one can find out what is going on." 

A couple of months later.....

...the Consultants filed their report to her and it said:

'Yes, things are quite bad in Britain; 95% of the people are misbehaving and only 5% are not."   

The Queen (our wonderful Monarch) thought for a moment and then said............ 

.....'Maybe one had better send for another Consultancy to get one another opinion.'   

So the lovely Queen of all of Great Britain (and a number of other delightful but slightly smaller places)......

.....had one of her Courtiers call another Consultant...........

.....and out the Consultant went.......

.....onto the streets of these fair isles.....

....with his trusty clipboard in his hand.  

And when the second Consultant returned his report it said....

....'Yes, it's true. Britain is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' 

The Queen was, understandably, not best pleased........

"One is not best pleased" she said......

....(to anyone privileged enough to live - or be crawling - within earshot of her).

So............

.....after giving the situation some further thought.......
...and being the true leader that she so undoubtably is....

....she made a decision about what one should do......

.....and she decided that one should e-mail the 5% that were good.........

..... because "One wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.."  

And do you know what the e-mail said?

No.......

We didn't get one either!

Tallyho!

What would you like an email from Queen Liz to say to you?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Teaches English For Beginners

What ho! Foreign types......

We am a stickler for correct English wherever possible..........

....and so we always encourage others to take the same care when they are using it.

For example, there are a number of simple mistakes one can easily make.........

....unless one has been told.

So todays blog is a short lesson in English for anyone wishing to visit our fine country.....

....who may not have English as their first language......

....hopefully it may help to clarify alot of important facts for you.


'English muffins' were not invented in England

Inside a hamburger you won't find any ham.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Remember that writers 'write' but fingers don't 'fing'

What we refer to as 'Quicksand' only works very, very slowly
 
If you sink in a boat you can be said to have 'sunk'........ but if you think in a boat - you cannot be said to have 'thunk'


There is neither apple nor any pine in a pineapple.
 
If you visit the shop named 'Boots'....don't expect to be able to buy boots.

There is absolutely no egg in an eggplant

Singers 'sing' but Grocers don't 'groce' in the same way that hammers don't 'ham'......that's what Actors do.

Chips called 'French fries' are not from France

You cannot buy threshers in Threshers.

The plural of tooth is 'teeth', but if you see more than one booth please do not call them 'beeth'

A ladybird is neither a lady ....or a bird

If you spend time with a teacher you have probably been 'taught'

......but if you've spent time with a preacher you definately haven't been 'praught'

A vegetarian eats vegetables, but a humanitarian can eat whatever they like.

A twit is a pregnant goldfish
 



Earwigs should not be placed on the ears....... who'd want wigs on their ears anyway?




And please don't even go to 'Virgin Megastore'.......it's a big disappointment!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse 

Lord Noel Explains The Rules Of Cricket

Whatto! Cricketers...........

I was trying to explain the wonderful game of Cricket to an American friend of mine...........

I said "It's really quite simple...........

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game".

And do you know..............

He still didn't seem to understand!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Summer Storms

Whattttto!!

Currently the British Isles seems to be suffering from what I like to call..............

.......The British SUMMER!!!..........


We have close family members who are curretly sitting in a caravan on the South coast.......
............in the middle of a Gale...............
.............but the local Mental Health Team have them scheduled for a visit any day now.........


Here............ the flash floods have taken there toll...............
........two wonderful friends of ours got our help today (weather they liked it or not!)...........
........when their business units were flooded...............


We could have done with help from Moses!!!......
............... to add to the sandbanks and drainage sytems they already had in place.........
These beautiful people have been fighting to make their business work................
..........and DO NOT need to take on the weather as well......................!!!
(GOD / GODDESS please take note!!!!!!!!!)


Obviously normal modes of transport were ineffective..............
.......but we HAD TO EAT!!!.............
.........SOMEHOW!!!..........
..........and SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Having placed our telephone order...............
I felt it was only right and proper to use my recent purchase to collect our food!!..............



Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lord Kayak to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!!...........
UnLuckily the stock they hold is clothing................
...........and there's very little you can do with it................
......if it gets totally soaked.....................
.......SO!!!
......we did the ONLY thing we COULD do in the circumstances!!!...........
.......and held a 'WET T SHIRT' COMPETITION!!!

WALLOP!!!!
Here's a picture of the winner!!...............
.................Who I was pleased to present the Victory sash to.............


................and so you see dear reader - EVERY cloud has some sort of lining!!!

Tallyho!
Best wishes - LORD NOEL & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse