Lord Noel - Food

Whatho! Pepys...

I was always told not to play with my food.
But thankfully someone had the sense to ignore that advice!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Meat

Whatto! Pepys...

I love trying out restaurants with my lovely Lady wife

so I was pleased to visit a newly opened Steak House

and order a sirloin - medium rare.

The waiter arrived with my meal and said 

"Lord Noel - here's your steak, Sir - like a paving slab made of meat!"

Now THAT's what I call "service with a simile."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes Nuts

What ho! Pepys...

If you have ever used pistachios or almonds to represent ideas or concepts...

You may be suffering from a nut allegory.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Shellfish

What ho! Pepys...

When I think about Winkles, Cockles, and Clams.

..I can't help thinking that such items are probably...

the genitalia of the sea. 

Indeed it is said by certain wise old fisherfolk that some Scallops may even be infected 

with crabs! 

So don't dare to ask me if I fancy a swim in the icy Yuletide! 

I wasn't Prawn yesterday!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel And The Half Lettuce

What ho! Pepys...

I was in our local supermarket yesterday and I asked one of the assistants if they had half a head of lettuce I could buy.

A very young produce assistant told me that they sell only whole heads of lettuce but I persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy told me he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into a back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find me standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and I returned to the main part of the store with my purchase.
Giving credit where it's due I said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. I like people who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" I asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" I said, seizing the opportunity for some more fun. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who does she play for?"

Tallyho! Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Shops Locally

What ho! Pepys...

I was in town recently visiting our locally run 'not for profit' food store and I decided to buy some interestingly pitted cooking apples that I had never seen before.
Mick, who works behind the small counter as a volunteer, said "What a good choice you've made!" as the apples were grown by HIM. He told me about his orchard with 30 different trees each of which provided some of his favourite different fruits that he had accumulated over the years. The only 'down side' being that he only has one tree of each variety so when the fruit's gone - that's it until next year.
"If you have all those fruit trees than you must have bees too?" (to pollinate them all) I ventured and he told me
"I don't, but a man named Jeff owns some hives and put some in the orchard for me - he does this all over the area in any suitable spaces he can find".
"Does he also supply honey?" I asked
"Yes" Mick replied "Jeff's quite a character. He used to live on a longboat and now he lives in a caravan by the beach and sells honey and brews beer."
He pointed out Jeff's honey and beer on a nearby shelf and I bought some - purely because I liked the sound of this chap already.
"Apparently he's started advertising 'Tours of the brewery' recently" Mick added "Even though it's literally just a tiny brick building beside his caravan!"
This is exactly the sort of interesting local conversation I could NEVER have had in a faceless 'Super' market.
See what you're missing?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Cereal Killers

What ho! Pepys...

Are you an American who likes to start the day with a nice bowl of flakes?
Do you consider this a 'Healthy' start to the day?

Did you know that 85% of wheat in the USA is Genetically Modified?

DID you also know that a recent Scientific study proves that GM wheat causes Cancerous tumours in rats?
These rats grew massive lethal tumours inside their body's after being fed entirely on GM wheat.

For just FOUR MONTHS!
At the moment the only way of knowing if your bowl of cereal contains GM wheat or not is to write to the manufacturer to find out...and there's no way of knowing if you'll EVER receive a reply.

Wouldn't it be more sensible if each pack was labelled?

That way YOU can decide for yourself!
That's what this is all about - http://www.carighttoknow.org/
Here in Europe we have GM food labels and have had to work hard to prevent companies like MONSANTO introducing GM additives by stealth but this has become easier as more of MONSANTO's dirty tricks become known to the public.
MONSANTO makes a fortune from producing GM Wheat worldwide so their toxic products are already a major part of the human food chain for much of the World. They doesn't want you to know this information because it would adversely affect their precious Profits.
Don't expect your Politicians to do anything to help you. BOTH Obama and Romney are confirmed supporters of Monsanto who have used powerful Political support, gained through MASSIVE financial contributions, to allow them to conduct unrestricted business for years.
But what's more important?
Their Profits?
or your Health?
If you know what's good for you - Support 'PROPOSITION 37'
http://www.youtube.com/user/nutiva?feature=watch


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Eats It Up

What ho! pepys...

Last night (during a discussion over dinner) my dear wife Lady Jacqueline had the audacity to call me pretentious!
I almost choked on my Balsamic Glaze!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on How Obesity Started

What ho! Pepys...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes
(to all skinny girls)
Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Dessert

What ho! Pepys...& Happy Pancake Day!

Yesterday I enjoyed a well known pudding named 'Spotted Dick'
but I accidentally spilt some Clearasil on it...

...and ended up with a plate full of dick.
Today is Pancake Day! It gives me the crepes but it's just ONE of the many

cake orientated Days we celebrate here in the UK!
We Brits also enjoy Chocolate Muffin Day, Jammy Scone Day, Ring Doughnut Day...
 and Type 2 Diabetes Day.
 I remember the time we found the face of Jesus in a pancake. It tasted divine.

 Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Jewce Out Of T'Sea

What ho! Pepys...

 

"No Bees were harmed in the making of this product"

Yet another use for the ubiquitous Clam!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Feasticus Maximus

Whatto! Eaters...

I do enjoy a lovely feast.

And Xmas has been one long food fest from start to finish!
I always like to reduce the main section of the meal to fourteen courses 

so that one still has some room for a delicious treat 

of a Cheese and port finale!

The marvelous tastes of the port and cheese...

mingled in my mouth with the crisp water biscuit really takes some beating.

But I have learnt to be gentle when cutting cheese...

... because some of them crumble. 

Caerphilly does it!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Surveys The Yuletide Aftermath

What ho! Pepys...

Did you contribute towards this year's Turkey Armageddon?

I know it's traditional to slaughter as many Turkeys as possible...

...but what people don't realise is that AFTER Xmas...

...the same thing happens to Rudolph's friends!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Joy For Your Jaded Palate

What ho! Pepys...

I've enjoyed many a potato...

and I've also enjoyed countless dumplings...

so I thought I'd combine the two and try...

a 'Potato Dumpling'!

Potato dumplings may seem like a strange concept  to the uninitiated

but with this particular dish my advice is 

"Don't gnock them until you try them."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Giveth More Free Advyce

What ho! Pepys...

In my continuing battle to save the NHS 

I offer more FREE medical advice to those who can ill afford it.

"Dear Lord Noel,
I love organising special treats for myself on my days off.

This week I went to Newmarket Horse Races 

to enjoy my treat there.

Do you ever get half way through eating a horse 

and think to yourself, 

“I’m not as hungry as I thought I was."?
I'm as confused as a fat bitch with a salad.

Are you not going to finish that potato?

Rosalind Tussocks"

"Dear Rosalind.

I have found that people such as yourself

generally fall into one of two categories.
If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. 

If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.
You - you greedy bugger - have both!

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Restaurant

What ho! Pepys...

I am very pleased to announce...

...that my new restaurant 'Karma' has proved to be a huge success. 

We serve just desserts.
During the evening one of our auspicious guests asked me 

"Lord Noel - what do you know about Judo?"

and I said "Do they make bagels from it?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Dining in Style

Whatto! Peeps...

I'm out once again at a lovely restaurant with drinks from the bar
which have been brought to our table.

My lovely Lady wife has headed orf to the ablutions.

Leaving me to check out the Menu, full of exotic creations - which I love.

Then the wine waiter appears at my elbow, hands me another Cognac and asks me...

"Lord Noel...may I ask what Lady Jacqueline is having this evening?"

To which I reply "I'm not certain but she's been gone quite a while...

...so probably a shit."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Is Eating Cheese A Sin?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Do YOU believe in Cheeses?

I do...

I LOVE cheese

but I'm nervous 

about eating Philadelphia 

ever since it gave 

Tom Hanks AIDS

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's advice to Men on BBQs

Whatto! Peeps....

We are finally in the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh ones memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it is probably the only type of cooking that a real man will do, essentially because there is an element of danger involved. 
When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events should be put into motion: 

Barbeque Routine 
1) The woman buys the food. 
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 
Here comes the important part: 
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 
More routine.... 
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 
Important again: 
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 
More routine..... 
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table. 
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
And most important of all: 
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.... 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Supermarket Life

Whatto! Peeps...

Supermarkets are apparently the new 'place to be'....

 ....especially if you want to meet older ladies....
...otherwise known as 'Cougars'....

....these ladies prowl the aisles in search of a 'mate'...
...and can be easily identified by their copious head hair.

And if you are a fan of the 'larger woman'.....
....there are LOTS to chose from....

 These are women who have dedicated every waking moment...
....to developing themselves further than was thought humanly possible....
...and have the necessary skimpy clothing to show off their assets.

 One can see their level of dedication...
....simply from the amount of work they put into their face make-up.

 Some women are so dedicated...
...that they virtually live in these Supermarkets....

....choosing to remain close to their precious food stuffs....

....which they desperately need...
...to retain their voluptuous figures...

 Some have taken this dedication to brand new levels.....
  ...creating (through many hours of tireless effort)....

...that distinctive bodily feature known as the 'Gut Crack'...

....whilst other women can only dream of the day...
...when maybe they too will have one.

 Meanwhile...
...subliminal messages are passed surreptitiously between customers....

 ....allowing prospective 'mates' to see where their preferences lie...

...some preferring to flaunt designer ' names'...

 ...others being far less subtle...

 ...but the underlying message is certainly clear enough...

 ....and if you're lucky enough to be part of this underworld...

 ....you may meet the partner of your dreams...

....now you know where to look!
Happy Hunting!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel