Lord Noel's Tips on How To Stay Ahead Of Your Neighbours

Whatto! Peeps....

As a highly succesful and immensely attractive person I am often asked "Lord Noel, how can we stay one step ahead of our neighbours?" Well, I have concocted a list of 'easy to achieve' creative solutions to your problem which I know you will enjoy implementing....but do it quick!....Before your neighbours get hold of it!.

1. It's easy to amaze your neighbours by simply threading clothes line through short sections of hosepipe, glued to the bottom of your shoes. Provided your laces are tied tightly you will be able to walk across the top of your clothes line - without falling orf!

2. You can easily stop nosey neighbours knowing which part of your house you are in by wearing soft soled shoes and thick woolen mittens and crawling slowly from room to room on all fours.

3. Make your neighbours think that you have been very sick by simply answering the door with diced carrots, rice pudding and Parmesan cheese smeared down the front of your top.

4. Fool your neighbours into thinking you are more popular than you actually by sending yourself hundreds of birthday and Xmas cards.

5. After providing an expensive slap up meal for your neighbours, why not save money by not using your expensive coffee maker but simply putting fresh coffee into a kettle of hot water. Then simply ask the guests to wear a stocking over their head whilst drinking to stop any of the bits getting into their mouths! Different denier can be used depending on whether you are using coarse ground or espresso coffee.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Matters of National Security

Whatto! Pepys...

Those of you who know of my Important Role within the Foreign Office...

...working tirelessly under the watchful eye of Our Glorious Government...

..in whom we trust so much...

...will be reassured to know that good old fashioned grit and ingenuity can rise to the surface...

...even through Government cut backs...

...AND show some very positive results too!

As inventive, practical and above all CHEAP solutions are being found 

to foil the ever-present threat of Terrorism.

In my latest hush-hush visit to a Secret Government Establishment...

...somewhere off the A128...

I was honoured to be allowed to witness for myself the kind of British resourcefulness...

...which makes us the envy of the World.

The Operative below is using the brand new 'Personal Privacy Module'...

...each individually constructed using only knitting needles...

...by volunteers from Great Britain's Womens Institute.

These are skillfully designed...

...to prevent any Terrorists in the immediate vicinity reading any Secret reports you may have to type.

This particular report is entitled 'RfgfkjyggkyjJkjg' as the Operative cannot touch-type

The beauty of this Module is that it can be quickly upgraded to 

Level 2

in the event of 'Mild Panic' 

otherwise known as 'increased threat perception'

This Operatives hands will also remain warm thereby reducing office heating costs

Operatives are also given 'Personal issue' Miners helmets for use in the unlikely event of 

Level 3

...otherwise known as 'Headless Chicken Condition'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Negotiator Extraordinaire

Whatto! Pepys...

During my latest confrontational meeting with 'officialdom personified' I could sense a growing tension in the air between us.

I knew that everything that happened from this point onwards 

would hinge entirely on what I said next...

and that if I was to achieve the best outcome...

...I would have to call on ALL my skills

as a World reknowned Negotiator.

So, with that in the forefront of my mind

I skillfully ventured the following phrase which normally defuses any situation "I genuinely believe it's imperative 

that we immediately source a collaborative solution going forward". 

To which he replied 

"Look mate - either pay up, or get off the f*cking bus!".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Army Humour

What ho! Pepys...

As the invasions and bombings and threats continue many people throughout the world are beginning to think that our Armies are just heartless killers who will stop at nothing for their Political masters so here are some 'Useful Military Warnings' which prove that at least the US Army has a sense of humor!



"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher



"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army



"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal



"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance



"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal



"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance



"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal



"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous



"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit



"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)



"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Spots Propaganda

What ho! Pepys!
Can someone please help to pull this video from the Web asap? The Public are NOT authorised to view this kind of information at this time!
Thank you
Tallyho! Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - You Can Be Sure Of Shell!

What ho! Pepys...

Charles Wiwa, 44, fled Nigeria in 1996 following a crackdown on protests against Shell’s oil operations in the Niger Delta. Wiwa and other natives of the oil-rich Ogoni region claim Shell was eager to stop protests in the area and was complicit in Nigerian government actions that included fatal shootings, rapes, beatings, arrests and property destruction.
He said an American court is the only place the Ogonis can seek accountability.
“Nigeria gets so much money from oil. There is no way the company will be held liable for anything in courts in Nigeria,’’ Wiwa said. He now lives in Chicago, having been allowed into the United States as a political refugee.
In the most notorious incident of the crackdown, Nigeria’s military dictatorship hanged author Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight other activists, sparking international outrage.
The Alien Tort Statute being used to bring this action in America lay unused for most of American history until rights lawyers dusted it off beginning in the late 1970s. Lawsuits have been brought against individuals who allegedly took part in abuses and, more recently, against companies that do business in places where abuses occur and in the United States.
“The corporations have a lot of money and are very attractive targets,’’ said Northwestern University law professor Eugene Kontorovich, an expert in international law. “The idea is that they were in bed with the countries concerned.’’
Corporations and human rights groups are now ready to square off in a Supreme Court fight over whether foreign victims of war crimes, killings and other atrocities can haul multinational companies into American courts and try to prove they were complicit in the abuses and should pay damages.
The rights groups say a 223-year-old law gives foreigners such as Nigerian-born Charles Wiwa the right to try to hold businesses accountable for the roles they play in atrocities. Energy and mining companies have been among the most frequent targets of these lawsuits in recent years following efforts by the military in Indonesia, Nigeria and elsewhere to clamp down on protests against oil and gas exploration and development.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes (and good luck Charles!) - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Men Who Think They Know Better

What ho! Pepys...

Mao Tse Tung (aka Zedong) controlled China with an iron fist for more than three decades, and is widely believed to have caused the death of roughly 50 million people during his reign. His two main political campaigns - the 'Great Leap Forward' and the 'Cultural Revolution' - are considered terrible failures in large part because of the death toll and suppression of human rights. One of the reasons for the massive death toll? A fickle, half-baked idea of Zedong's called the 'Four Pests Campaign'.

The Four Pests Campaign began in 1958. It was one of Zedong's first acts as part of the Great Leap Forward, aimed at eliminating four creatures which Zedong believed put the health and hygiene of the average Chinese citizen at risk. Three of them -- mosquitoes, flies, and rats -- may make some sense, but rendering them extinct, even locally, is a fool's errand. The fourth pest, the sparrow, does not seem to belong on this list. But Zedong observed that sparrows would eat the grains planted by Chinese workers and, therefore, reduce the value of the people's labor. So they made the list, too, and were more effectively targeted than the other three "pests."  Zedong's government began a large-scale propaganda campaign to get peasants to shoo or kill sparrows on sight. One poster shows a child armed with a slingshot saying "Everyone come and fight sparrows."

The campaign was successful on its face, as the sparrow was nearly rendered extinct in China. But it turns out that sparrows did not just eat grains. They also ate insects -- specifically, locusts. The locust population, left unchecked, ate a lot more grain than the sparrows ever could.

By the time Zedong's government noticed and could react, two years had passed, and the damage was already done. The ecological imbalance caused by the Four Pests Campaign helped spur on massive food shortages and, in turn, the death of hundreds of thousands if not millions of people.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
 

Lord Noel Fought The Law

What ho! Pepys...

I often find myself wondering why we need lawyers.

Everywhere one turns there are laws, and whenever there are stupid laws...

...there are, thankfully, some sensible lawbreakers.

The Law of Common Sense

Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

The Law of Reality

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have absolutely nothing to lose.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell

When putting cheese into a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Physical Displacement

Sometimes you are the pubic hair on the toilet seat

The Law of Legal Rights

You have the right to be stupid, just don't abuse the privilege.

The Law of Probable Dispersal

Whatever leaves the fan after hitting it will not be evenly distributed.

The Law Pertaining to Divorce

Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him.. keep the house

(Why all lawyers are hated in the first place.)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Land Of The Free

What ho! Pepys...

Today I have a shocking tale to tell.
It's about a 65 year old American man named James Stewert who has never been arrested or been in trouble with the law before.
There's a link below in which you can hear:

• How James was subjected to severe food deprivation.

• How he was interrogated by deputies and accused of being a "sovereign," then branded with a red arm band (Nazi-style) to falsely indicate that he was a danger to the general population.

• How James was shackled in long chains wrapped around his waist multiple times, then had his hands cuffed behind his back which was bound to the heavy waist chain to restrict his movement. His handcuffs were so tight he thought his wrists would break.

• James was then handcuffed to a cold bench, restricting his movement to just six inches, then left on the bench for 4-5 hours.

• James was then forcibly subjected to various medical tests, including forced chest X-rays even while he was handcuffed.

• He was placed in a cold cell wearing only a T-shirt and pants, where he soon began to suffer from hypothermia and found himself violently shivering just to stay alive.

• How he was made to suffer through total sleep deprivation all night long as other prisoners were screaming and banging on the walls.

• His cell was then flooded with raw human sewage, which flowed into his jail cell 2-3 inches deep, covering his shoes and shirt. LA County jail guards then ordered James to clean up all the raw sewage in his cell by handing him a small hand-held squeegee and demanding that he squeegee out all the raw sewage himself (which he reluctantly did).

• He was then forced to stay in the putrid raw sewage cell for over 30 hours, fighting off nausea and living in bacteriological filth that threatened his health.

• All along, the LA County prison guards gloated over their treatment of prisoners while laughing and joking about their power to subject prisoners to such abuse. This behavior openly mimics that of Gitmo guards who took pictures gloating over their torture and murder of prisoners of war.

• During this entire process, James was not allowed a single phone call nor any visit from an attorney. His right to speak to an attorney was repeatedly denied.

• At no point was James notified of what he was being charged with. He was never presented with an arrest warrant nor were any charges explained to him.

• James was mysteriously "lost" in the system and LA County officials claimed they did not know where he was. This was apparently a deliberate attempt to subject an individual to drawn-out torture without legal representation and make sure no one could locate them to check on their health or arrest status.

"Worse than torture... They're actually torturing you mentally and physically to break you down..."

These are the actual words of James Stewart that you will hear in this interview:

• "I thought I was gonna die in there."

• "It was worse than torture. They're actually torturing you mentally and physically to break you down."

• "I wrote the 'torture' on a piece of toilet paper to try to tell everybody what I had gone through, because I was worried they were going to mentally break me and put me in a psych ward."

• "What I experienced in downtown LA was brutality."

• "It's trauma. And they create this thing where you're not even sure what's coming next. What has this country come to? I don't sleep well at night right now, and I don't think anyone would if they had been what I've been through."

• "I'm shocked that this is America. Because it seems like you're in some third world country, in a gulag, like in the movie Midnight Express, where you're absolutely just tortured. That was the experience I had. Your mind goes, how can this be? This is America?"

James has never been arrested before or charged with any offences.
He has been a model citizen for his whole life.
And his CRIME?

...selling a healthier version of Pasteurised milk! 

Learn more: http://www.naturalnews.com/035208_James_Stewart_torture_county_jail.html#ixzz1omyuWsHr

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noels Schooldays

What ho! Pepys...

I remember only too well my schooldays

and the extremely strict 'Masters'

who swept through the classrooms waving their canes...

...dressed in long black cloaks like a bunch of Draculating Counts.

Giving us 'Detentions' in their Private Quarters

where we would be forced to undergo 'Starfish Inspection'

Well I am sorry to say that one day the bullying got so bad

(and me not being one of 'Teachers Pets' - I hadn't been given a 'safe word')

I decided I wasn't going to take it any more

...so I phoned the bullying helpline. 

A woman answered the phone and straight away said 

"Have you tried extortion supported by threats of violence?"

Things went a lot better after that.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Slave From The Grave

What ho! Pepys...

Were your ancestors one of the 12,000,000 slaves shipped to America between the 16th  and 19th Centuries? Then you'll be proud to read this letter from Jourdon Anderson to his 'Old Master' who apparently asked him to return to the plantation to work after the end of the American civil war. It first appeared on the brilliant website lettersofnote and was put together with the help of a lawyer but still the character and dignity of the man shines brightly through...


Dayton, Ohio,

7 August, 1865

To My Old Master, Colonel PH Anderson, Big Spring, Tennessee

Sir,

I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jourdon, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you long before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin's to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable. Although you shot at me twice before I left you, I did not want to hear of your being hurt, and am glad you are still living. It would do me good to go back to the dear old home again, and see Miss Mary and Miss Martha and Allen, Esther, Green, and Lee. Give my love to them all, and tell them I hope we will meet in the better world, if not in this. I would have gone back to see you all when I was working in the Nashville Hospital, but one of the neighbors told me that Henry intended to shoot me if he ever got a chance.

I want to know particularly what the good chance is you propose to give me. I am doing tolerably well here. I get twenty-five dollars a month, with victuals and clothing; have a comfortable home for Mandy – the folks call her Mrs Anderson – and the children – Milly, Jane, and Grundy – go to school and are learning well. The teacher says Grundy has a head for a preacher. They go to Sunday school, and Mandy and me attend church regularly. We are kindly treated. Sometimes we overhear others saying "Them colored people were slaves" down in Tennessee. The children feel hurt when they hear such remarks; but I tell them it was no disgrace in Tennessee to belong to Colonel Anderson. Many darkeys would have been proud, as I used to be, to call you master. Now if you will write and say what wages you will give me, I will be better able to decide whether it would be to my advantage to move back again.

As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost-Marshal-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Add to this the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for our clothing, and three doctor's visits to me, and pulling a tooth for Mandy, and the balance will show what we are in justice entitled to. Please send the money by Adams's Express, in care of V Winters, Esq, Dayton, Ohio. If you fail to pay us for faithful labors in the past, we can have little faith in your promises in the future. We trust the good Maker has opened your eyes to the wrongs which you and your fathers have done to me and my fathers, in making us toil for you for generations without recompense. Here I draw my wages every Saturday night; but in Tennessee there was never any pay-day for the negroes any more than for the horses and cows. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud the laborer of his hire.

In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Milly and Jane, who are now grown up, and both good-looking girls. You know how it was with poor Matilda and Catherine. I would rather stay here and starve – and die, if it come to that – than have my girls brought to shame by the violence and wickedness of their young masters. You will also please state if there has been any schools opened for the colored children in your neighborhood. The great desire of my life now is to give my children an education, and have them form virtuous habits.

Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.

From your old servant,

Jourdon Anderson

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Obama? - Oh Bummer!"

What ho! Americans...

Were you one of the many people who genuinely rejoiced when Obama came to power?

Were you one of the many who believed that there would be real changes?

Do you now believe that nothing has changed?

Are you surprised that Obama delivered exactly the same as Bush, Clinton and Regan?

Are you now under the impression that whoever gets voted in will make no difference?

If you answered 'Yes' to these questions - Congratulations!

You have finally had your eyes opened and are now able to see through the facade 

of the modern day so called 'Democracy'.

'Democracy' that allows those in control of the money to dictate the course of an entire country.

'Democracy' that feeds you lies in order to placate you long enough to do whatever they want.

'Democracy' that invades other countries - whether they are Sovereign States or not.

'Democracy' that sends young men to kill and be killed

...so that businesses and banks can continue to make profits.

Confused?

Just ask yourself this question?

Who benefited?

Who benefited from the invasion of Afghanistan?

Who benefited from the invasion of Iraq?

...and who will benefit from the forthcoming invasion of Iran?

Was it you?

I didn't think so...

So who benefited?

Who holds the real power?

Follow the money trail to find your answer.

Good luck with the elections for your next puppet.

God Bless America!

Kerching!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Final Solution

What ho! Pepys...

I recently read this article on how American Servicemen who have to navigate Drone attack weapons from cosy rooms back in America are now suffering from stress!

Awwwwwwwww!

Perhaps the realisation that they have personally killed hundreds of innocent civilians and children...

...is beginning to play on their mind?

Well I have a solution!

With all the technology at it's disposal...

...why don't the Ministry of Defence use real time battle targets in on-line Computer games?

Then all the on-line games could fly the real drones for the Government whilst thinking they are actually playing a game....but actually taking out real targets on the ground?

Genius!

Is there some commission in this for me?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Economyc Recovery

What ho! Pepys...

In these uncertain times...

...I would like to reassure people that what is taking place all over the world...

...is perfectly normal!

It's something that NEEDS to happen...

...for the 'common good'.

The 'Economic Cycle' as it is so aptly named...

...has a tendency to reoccur periodically.

That is the nature of 'cycles'.

And lo!...it is happening again - as foretold in reputable Economic journals of late.

More than anything else I want to assure you that...

...there is no cause for alarm.

No need to start doing anything...

...out of the ordinary.

Once a few 'corrective' adjustments have been carried out...

...the status quo will return soon enough.

All that needs to take place is an 'asset realignment'....

...because it has become obvious that a lot of valuable assets....

...appear to be currently owned by relatively poor people.

This won't do.

These assets should be handed over immediately...

...to those who should rightfully posses them...

...people who know only too well the burden of massive wealth...

...and are therefore expertly equipped to deal with yet more of it.

These are assets that would otherwise be squandered by poor people..

...who are TERRORISTS!

So we will be using the valuable and dedicated 'Armed Forces' of the world...

...to make them give it back.

And here at home...

...the banking 'Institutions' will be rectifying the mistakes that have been made over the last few years.

That mortgage that you thought you could afford to buy your new home?...

...Mistake!

Haha...don't worry!

We'll take back the property and leave you with the 'debt admin' side to sort out....

...no need to waste such a valuable asset on someone who can't afford it is there?

Meanwhile, don't forget to 'Max up' those credit cards!

That is - after all - what's keeping our wonderful economy alive.

Anyone who refuses to use their credit card at times like this...

...could easily be regarded as a 'Traitor'...

...or if done deliberately...

...perhaps even a commercial 'Terrorist' against our wonderful consumer society.

Needlees to say...

...whilst all this commotion is going on...

...the 1% of 'absurdly rich' people will once again be in possession of 99% of the Worlds wealth...

...and then we can all begin again.

It's called 'Economic Recovery'or
'Redistribution of Wealth'

Remember - Rich people have baggage too!

It's just that they can afford to pay people to carry it for them.

Stay calm and carry on.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Political Advice

What ho! Pepys...

Do you get the impression - as I do - that no matter who is in 'power' in this Country...

...NOTHING CHANGES!?
At the NEXT Election what not VOTE FOR NOBODY?

NOBODY will keep their election promises!

NOBODY will listen to your concerns!

NOBODY will help the poor, unemployed and elderly!.

NOBODY tells the TRUTH!

If NOBODY is elected things can't be any worse!

...or can they?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Remembers

What ho! Pepys...

After our recent Remembrance Day I was surprised today when I heard an American Soldier saying things like this to an audience who seemed willing to listen! Can't something be done to stop this kind of thing?
It's featured here and starts 9min 15secs into the video in a piece entitled  'A System of violence':

"And I tried hard to be proud of my service but all I could feel was shame. And Racism could no longer mask the reality of the occupation - that these were human beings.
I've since been plagued by guilt. Every time I see an elderly man, like the one who couldn't walk, who we rolled onto a stretcher and told the Iraqi Police to take him away. I feel guilt every time I see a mother with her children, like the one who cried out hysterically and shouted that we were worse then Saddam as we forced her from her home. I feel guilt every time I see a young girl, like the one I grabbed by the arm and forced into the street.
We were told we were fighting Terrorists, but the real Terrorist was me and the real Terrorism is this occupation.
Racism within the Military has long been an important tool to justify the destruction and occupation of another country. It has long been used to justify the suffering, subjugation and torture of another people.
Racism is a vital weapon employed by this Government. It is a more important weapon then a rifle, a tank, a bomber or a battleship. It's a more destructive than an artillery shell, or a bunker buster Tomahawk missile. All those weapons are owned by the Government and are harmless without people to use it. Those who send us to war do not have to pull a trigger or lob a mortar round. They do not have to fight the war, they merely have to sell us the war. 
They need a public who is willing to send their Soldiers into harms way. They need soldiers who are willing to kill and be killed without question. They can spend millions on a single bomb but that only becomes a weapon when the ranks in the military are willing to follow orders to use it. They can send every last soldier anywhere on earth but they will only be a war if soldiers are willing to fight. And the ruling class, the billionaires who profit from human suffering, they care only about expanding their wealth, and controlling the world economy.
Understand that their power lies only in their ability to convince us that war, oppression and exploitation is in our interests. They understand that their wealth is dependant on their ability to convince the working class to die, to control the market of another country.
And convincing us to kill and die is based on their ability to make us think that we are somehow superior.
Soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines have nothing to gain from this occupation The vast majority of the people living within the US have nothing to gain from this occupation.
In fact, not only do we have nothing to gain, but we suffer more because of it. We lose limbs, endure trauma and give our lives. 
Our families have to watch flag draped coffins lowered into the earth. Millions of people in this country without jobs, access to health care and education must watch the Government in this country squander over $450million a day on this occupation.
Poor and working people in this country are sent to kill poor and working people in another country to make the rich richer. And without racism, soldiers would realise that they have more in common with the Iraqi people than they do with the billionaires who sent them to war.
I threw families onto the street in Iraq, only to come home and find families thrown onto the street in this country in this tragic and unnecessary 'foreclosure crisis'.
We need to wake up and realise that our REAl enemies are not in some distant land, they're not people whose name we do not know and cultures we don't understand. The enemy is people we know very well, and people we can identify, the enemy is a system that wages war when it's profitable. The enemy is the CEO's who lay us off from our jobs when it's profitable. It's the Insurance who deny us Healthcare when it's profitable. It's the bank who take away our homes when it's profitable.
Our enemy is not 5000 miles away, they are right here at home. If we're organised, we can fight with our sisters and brothers, and we can stop this war, stop this Government and we can create a better world."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Terrorism

Whatto! Peeps...

Terrorists have already begun targetting the UK Olympic Games!

They've sent a pistol in a box to the Olympic Games organisers...

with a note inside that said... 

..."That's just for starters!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Despots

Whatto! Peeps...

Cultivate a mean, brooding look to add depth to your personality

I often get rulers writing to me asking "How can I carry on being a Dictator without American and NATO forces shelling me out of existence?" and my reply is this ...

One general rule of thumb is that if you live in a compound one day someone is going to come and kill you. But you really don't have to call it a compound and a simple yet inexpensive makeover with different coloured potted plants would soften the otherwise hostile exterior and make it appear far less threatening. You could call it a 'fortified resort', or a 'bombproof holiday chalet'. NATO would then ask, "Is this Dictator a threat?" and an analyst would reply. "No sir, they live in a reinforced concrete spa retreat."
Other tips for failing dictators include getting a guest spot on '8 Out Of 10 Cats' or 'Come dine with me' which would do wonders for your post-dictatorship image. Just remember that when people criticise you during interviews, laugh uproariously to show you can take a joke – on no account should you slit their throats.
It's these little things that can really rehabilitate a public persona. After all, since Piers Morgan stopped raping kittens, the public have embraced him.
I also know, from my sources at MI5, that (if it comes to it) one of the many dictator escape plans is to put on a Burkha, paint your toe nails, and escape in a cab. It works all the time here at the airport security in the UK.
Of course, I'm no detective, but if the Authorities wanted to find out where a dictator like Gaddafi is likely to go to next, simply identify the country with the largest supply of botox.
Enjoy your retirement!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Wealth Creation

Whatto! Peeps....

I received this letter from an adoring fan who wrote:
"Dearest Lord Noel, I realise that you are a powerful, wealthy and very attractive man and I have been looking for books which might help me achieve what you have achieved in your relatively long (though you don't look it) and successful life.....can you please recommend any?"
I was so thrilled and flattered that I immediately replied with a short note saying "No!"

The logic behind my somewhat economical reply is this:

Books have knowledge 

knowledge is power 

power corrupts 

corruption is a crime

crime doesn't pay.

So if you keep reading...

...you'll go broke!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead!'

Whatto! Peeps....

Do you believe in Witches?
I know I certainly do.
Many Americans today are celebrating the sudden demise of a man named Bin Laden....
...a rich man, from a rich family, who once had strong, friendly links with America...
...but who became demonised after alleged proof that he was behind the 11/9 attacks.
Now, after 10 years of looking, the Witch Hunt is over as he is finally found and 'dispatched'....
...and no doubt this will be viewed as cause for celebration throughout the 'Democratic' world.
But I can't help wondering......
....if he was so 'Guilty'.....why did George Bush allow him and his family to leave the US of A on the only flights allowed to take off immediately after the 11/9 attack?

And why is it only NOW that he's been 'taken out'?
There are many conspiracy theories to be found all over the internet.
But.......Is there an analogy to be drawn here between to magnitude of the destruction caused on 11/9 to the Twin Towers....

...and the devastation that was caused to the American fleet at Pearl Harbour?....

Classified papers released in the last decade, prove that all the top members of the Government knew about the impending attack by the Japanese on Pearl Harbour and ORDERED the fleets back into harbour where they would be sitting ducks!
The Government (it was revealed) needed 'something totally shocking' to happen in order to provoke enough International outrage to give them the public backing they needed for their planned nuclear attack on Japan.
Once Pearl Harbour had taken place......
....America was free to act.

History shows us the outcome of that attack....
...and maybe history will show us the outcome of 11/9.
Was it the subsequent attack on Iraq?
Which, after all, had absolutely NO connection with Bin Laden and Afghanistan.....
....and NONE of the 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' - which were the supposed 'Mandate' needed to 'intervene' in Iraq in the first place....ie. the invasion of Iraq was therefore totally illegal.
Or is the outcome yet to be reached?
It seems rather fitting that one 'Baddy' is captured...
.....just as another one is waiting patiently in the wings......

....and with the latest NATO attacks killing close members of The Presidents family.....
....I fear that Gaddafi will soon be taking centre stage....
And just maybe he will also do 'something totally shocking'....
....in order for the next set of floodgates to be opened.....
....and more black gold to come gushing out......
....to it's new owners.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel