Lord Noel's Celebrity Friends

Whatto! Peeps...

When they heard I was planning a huge fund raising effort here at Virtual Manor to generate some much needed cash for my 'Champagne replacement programme'...
...ALL of my Celebrity friends immediately sent me useable and amusing quotes with which to generate public interest....
...here are just a few of them....

Cheers! Me dears!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Leaves a Bad Impression

Whatto! Pepys...

Mike Yarwood doing a brilliant impression of Obama Binladen (the bins are just out of shot)

Those of you who know me

will know that I have longed for recognition

amongst Celebrities of old

who became famous for having real talent.

A talent much greater than just entering some 'Big Brother House'

and sitting around on a sofa for weeks whinging.

I'm talking about people with real skills

Like Mike Yarwood!

In my time I believed I was capable of doing

an impression of Eric Morecambe

which, at the time I genuinely believed was good

but now I've seen the error of my waheys!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks It's Pasta Joke

Whatto! Pepys...

Everyone around here goes on about Mr Cowell ...

...not just because he manages to flood the musical world with an endless stream of 'sound and look the same' non-entities on Autotune but because he also produces...
... lousy Pizza Pasta!

That's something I can NEVER forgive him for!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel Does Time

What ho! Pepys...

Here in the UK we like to Celebrate the end of the year by 'putting our clocks back' one hour. We have always done this ever since clocks were invented and nobody quite remembers why. Some people believe it was done because there was a growing hatred for clockmakers back then - after all it was because of them that we ended up having to get to places on time! Some people would have you believe it is still done today to help the farmers who like getting up early - but not too early - others say it's because of the schoolchildren - who love going to school in the dark - others say it's for the benefit of cows and chickens - who don't even wear watches!
Creating time shift differences like this as Halloween approaches helps us get ready to celebrate the new year. And there are going to be several people who sincerely wish they could put also the clock back. They are so called 'celebrities' who enjoyed hanging around with Sir James Saville otherwise known as 'the wretched old sex perv'. They would have been people who, at the time, were enjoying a great deal of adoration and attention from younger children - some of whom they went on to get far too close to. Their time has finally come. The system which has protected the now 'old pervs' for so long has moved on. The Police investigation so far has revealed many of them who are now lining up to be questioned and also a paedophile ring which was operating in none other than the British Parliament with deliberate cover ups being orchestrated by the then Prime Minister and Illegal Warmonger Tony Blair (that's why the papers surrounding the Dumblain shooting incident have been made 'secret' and unrevealable under the Freedom of Information Act for 100 years!).
In this time of celebration of death I feel it is only my duty to reveal to you that Sir James Saville may not be dead at all! I know we all saw a coffin being buried on TV but who amongst us actually checked that he was indeed inside? The following extract from an 1857 newspaper leads me to believe that James Saville may be either a Time Traveller or ....worse still - one of the Undead! In which case....we are still not safe!

Happy Samhain! Y'all
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel In Da Hood

What ho! Pepys...

I heard today that the famous London attraction Madame Toussauds....

... is opening up another incredibly lifelike display area featuring infamous gangsters....

It's going to be called....

... the House of Whacks.

Tallyho!  

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel on 'Eltonicus Oldfarticus'

What ho! Pepys...

Due to his continued and very vocal insistance...

that he can "Remember when rock was young"...

Scientists have been forced to recalculate their previously 'estimated' age...

...for Elton John.

Geologists now believe that he must have actually been alive...

...for over four billion years!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "How Tickled Am I?"

What ho! Pepys...

My good Lady wife told me that a very good friend of mine 

the Celebrity comedian Ken Dodd 

had rung up whilst I was out.

I said "Did he?"

She said "No, Doddy"

OH! How I laughed! Arf arf arf!

Luckily he rang me back a short time later 

and we chatted for quite some time.

Then he told me that the real reason he'd rung 

was because he had a rather strange request.

I said "Really Doddy? - what on earth is it old chap?"

He said "Well Lord Noel - When I next come to visit you and your good Lady wife
  I want to leave my quilt on the floor of your boudoir."

I said "No way! Over my bed, Doddy!”
(I'm assuming this wasn't one of his euphemisms)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Sir Macca

Whatto! Peeps...

 I would like to offer my congratulations to Sir Paul 

on his recent marriage to his lovely new trucking millionairess. 

He told me that he's been having a bit of a 'clear out' recently 

and that he found an old bootleg in his attic. 

Must be one of Heather's.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 007

Whatto! Peeps...

I'd like to wish my very good friend Sean Connery a very happy birthday!
He's 81 years old and still someone who your mum and your sister would 'do'.
As a close friend of Seans (or Sir Thomas as he likes to be called) I am often asked "Lord Noel - does Sean Connery like herbs?" and I answer "Yes he does... but only partially".
I can however reveal that Sean Connery doesn't own his dog... he has it on a leash.
But he's a very thoughtful and kind pet owner...the first thing Sean taught his dog to do was to shit.
Hanging around with Sean, I get to see the 'real' him....for instance I've just seen one of Sean's rubbish attempts at knitting!...To be honest when he told me what it was meant to be... it was a bit of a shock. And whenever I've stayed over at his place I've found that his hair is always in a mesh first thing in the morning.
In the end I had to ask him to leave when he told me he wanted to "Shit on my Chauffeur"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Handwriting Analysis

Whatto! Peeps...

Handwriting analysis is the latest fascinating subject I've been investigating.

One can tell so much about a persons inner most desires....

...just from looking at their signature.

Apparently there's a fine line between some people's signature.....

....and something else...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Reality Cheque

Whatto! Peeps.....

I was a little concerned when I read recently that our wonderful Prince's future Family in law were releasing scratch cards to raise extra money! It made me wonder whether the engaged couple too might be struggling to manage after they are married.

While William and Kate are reportedly planning to stay put in their remote North Wales cottage after the wedding next month, I certainly expect them to move into one of the more lavish palaces some time soon.

Yet, without their royal titles, what could the couple really afford?

Based on Prince William's salary of £37,170 from the RAF, which is the couple's only job-based income since Kate stopped working for her parents' company earlier this year, the couple could afford a mortgage of around £142,246.

If they remain living rural North Wales as reported, there are some real bargains available, with a three-bedroom semi-detached house near Llandudno Junction offering views over the rooftops to Conwy, the castle and hills beyond costing around £142,000.

In Cardiff they could afford a four-bedroom terrace house near the Millennium Stadium, while in Manchester their budget could get them a fifth floor flat with balcony in the new Green Quarter.

If they opted to stay closer to Windsor, the funds don't stretch as far and the couple would be limited to a two-bedroom bungalow which is a rebuilt mobile home.

In Westminster they could afford little more than a parking space close to Hyde Park.

Dashed lucky then, that Prince William (or rather "His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter") also receives income from the trust established on the death of their mother and from their father’s Duchy income! Phew!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps You Increase your 'Narj Nalij'

Whatto! Peeps..........

If you are ever fortunate enough to visit this part of the world.....
...it's always a good idea to familiarise oneself with the local lingo.
I was lucky enough to be furnished with this useful pamphlet on my arrival which I found invaluable!

"Pronounced Narj it is a City which was invented in 1923 and is kept in Naafuk where it has lived ever since.

Narj has a population of approximately 2500 of which 2438 are related to each other and the rest are classed as Furriners who have decided to settle there from somewhere beyond 'the great Horizon'.

Many people still believe that if you travel past Theford (The Great Horizon) you will fall off the edge of the world and be devoured by DELIA the Great Star Goat.

Narj was built by Nicholas Parsons a man who became famous for inventing some of the best Sales in a hundred years. These Sales attracted many people and Narj rapidly became a sprawling city filled with "Pointless Super Heroes"

These Include:

THE PUPPET MASTER
Special Ability: Hypno Puppets that stun and mesmerise passers by with their inane jumping up and down to Des O Connor Cd's. He is actually a multi-millionaire, having left his successful career as a merchant banker to "give something back to the people"


FLUTE MAN
Special ability: Plays a flute at ranges far beyond those of the human ear Unfortunately the ones that are in the range of the human ear are vastly out of tune.


BAG WOMAN
Special Ability: Knockout Soapy BO. Has a huge array of technical gadgetry hidden away in her shopping trolley full of mysterious bags.


MARIGOLD
Special Ability: Traffic Direction. Although no longer around, MARIGOLD was one of the true Norwich Super Heroes, equipped with a flourescent Jacket or vest and bright yellow marigold gloves, you would find him, in times of National Emergency, defending the City by standing on a traffic roundabout directing the traffic. Unfortunately, quite a few people actually took notice of what he was telling them to do, resulting in the building of Narj Union Insurance Department.


THE INCREDIBLE MARKET TWINS
Special Ability: Flower Selling. Although conceived during a radioactive storm and genetically altered to look identical, these dynamic duo are far from it. Dressed in their costumes, Green & yellow for one, Blue & White for another, these colourful fengibbons are anything but identical.


RADIO MAN
This remarkable chap loves his sport so much he's a wannabee commentator, also known to be a bit of a Karaoke king, using not a microphone but an old 1970's transistor radio glued to one ear, you've gotta love this guy, who provides entertainment when waiting for a bus outside the central big 'D' department store. 

Vocabulary
Here are some useful Narj phrases and words....
....should you wish to 'Teach Yourself Narj':
 
Narj Yoonyun - Major Employer of both Norfolk and Sri-Lankan people
Thaangkoo - Spoken at high speed, used by shop assistants when accepting money.
Howyer gettinarn buh? - Local greeting
Rup Bah - Variation on the above
Cumhair - Please join me 

Shicargoo's - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road , Narj
Bare - Sold by the pint in Shicargoo's
Issatroight? - Comment to show that attention is being paid to the speaker
Assajook - I'm just kidding
Khazi - Suburb on the western edge of Narj
Tross - Suburb on the southside of Narj
Windum - Small town south of Narj (Sensible abbreviation of it's proper name : Wymundimunidundim)
Loose-tarfed - An East coast fishing port
Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off Loose-tarfed
KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St Stephens, Narj
Hum Base - DIY store
Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base
Fool - Petrol or Diesel
Droive ua stedibor - please drive with great care
Gutehecbuh - Gracious! How surprising
Stoopud - Term applied to very silly people
Gaatoo - Sticky chocolate cake
Footoo - Something taken with cameras
Sproiy - Fizzy lemon drink
Boost - To brag about ones achievements
Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace
Ar yaorrite, bor - Good Morning
Ar yaorrite, bor -  Good Afternoon
Ar yaorrite, bor - Good Evening
Hay yagittin arntagetha? - Hello
Yow sillerowld fule - Comment made to someone displaying "backward" tendancies
How ferarya doin' bor? - How are you?
Loitoose - Bright thing found at Happisburgh
Haysbra - Local pronounciation of the Coastal village with a loitoose
Furriners - People who come from anywhere outside of Thetford
Thasarumman - How Odd!
Blast Bor, yow git a ding-a-tha-lug - Very soon I'm going to hit you
Fare t'middlin - I'm not doing too badly
Bishy Barny Bee - Ladybird
Thasabiton thehuh - It looks uneven to me
Traa'er - a farming vehicle
Dicka - horse
Ha'yer farvagorra dicka, bor? - does your father own a horse
Cumboine airvista - an agricultural vehicle
Carrarud - a place where narj people go to watch their football team lose
Wayooupt'urday - what have you got planned for today?
Oovahair - im over here
Ci'ee - as in Narj Ci'ee: a place for shopping
Nooidare - I don't know
Lullyolejarb - Excellent! 
 

Our Founding Father!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Quotes Spikespeare

What ho! Pepys....

....Lord Noel here....

"Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?"

"Ophelia" by John Everett Millais

-by Spike Milligan-

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "H£R£ H£R£ HRH!"

What ho! Fellow Royalists......

I have often been told that the Royal Family is 'an expensive luxury'....
....and one which 'we can ill afford' in these cost sensitive times....
And my response is "How dare you!"
Don't you realise that Buckingham Palace made £7m from visitors alone in 2007–2008?

And the ACTUAL cost of The Royal Family to every person in the UK is a measly 69p! - which is a teeny weeny increase of just 3p on the previous year......and what the hell can you buy for 3p these days?

And the open and honest Buckingham Palace accounts show this to be true.....so it MUST be.

They also show that the total cost to the public of keeping the monarchy increased by a mere £1.5m to £41.5m in the 2008/9 financial year.....when Bankers were lending phenomenally more to peasants who could NEVER repay the debt!

Who's money is it anyway?........There's a clue in the photograph!....Doh!!

Palace accounts also show that HRH the Queen actually had to dip into a reserve fund to boost by £6m her Civil List, which pays for the running of the Royal household. This is the largest sum ever drawn from the reserve built up in the 1990s and says something about the state of Society that we haven't bailed her out of her terrible predicament.

The Queen's Civil List, which also covers Royal household staff salaries, cost £13.9m in 2007/8 - this comprised £7.9m from government coffers and £6m from the reserve.

If the Queen continues to spend money from the reserve at the rate she is now, it will be used up by the start of her Diamond Jubilee year in 2012.....and we CAN'T allow this to happen!

Peter Hunt, BBC royal correspondent said "69p is an eye-catching figure. It's the sum royal officials proudly say the monarchy costs each person in the country. However, this headline amount doesn't include the large, but never disclosed security bill for protecting the royals around the clock."

Please give generously......because that's the way we like to spend

It's clear from these accounts that by next year, the Queen will have to go cap in hand to the government seeking an increased income. One of her annual pots of money, the Civil List, has been set at £7.9m for 20 years......therefore taking absolutely NO account for inflation!

In the good times, a surplus built up. But for the past eight years, it's been raided and is dwindling. The £7.9m Civil List funds, among other things, £11m of salaries and catering.

We may have to economise buy ditching the 14th course!

In a recession, with cuts on the agenda and an election looming, the royals face difficult financial negotiations in 2010.

If the total cost of the monarchy is calculated per taxpayer and not per person, the cost works out at only £1.33 each......jolly good value I'm sure you agree!

Of the £13.9m Civil List purse, nearly £10m went on staff salaries. Housekeeping and furnishings cost £700,000 and ceremonial functions cost £400,000. A further £1.1m was spent on catering and hospitality - within this, garden parties cost £600,000, while the cost of food and the royal kitchens came to £500,000.
Computers and IT systems cost £400,000 - double the figure for 2007 due to the launch of a new British Monarchy Website and new personnel, payroll and online recruitment systems.

The £7.9m figure that is granted by the government was frozen in 2000, to compensate for 10 years of 'over-generous payments'. It will be up for re-negotiation at the end of 2010.

And I always thought John Major was a twit!

The current deal was agreed by Sir John Major in 1990.

The shortfall has led to questions about how much Buckingham Palace will be able to ask for from the government during a recession.

Last year Buckingham Palace officials described the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers as "less than the price of two pints of milk or an MP3 player download".

But Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group (Yuk! Spit!), Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to the public was unjustified.......What?.....Treason!

  
ROYAL PUBLIC FINANCES
Financial summary, year to 31 March 2009
                                               2009 (£m)     2008 (£m)
The Queen's Civil List                13.9               12.7
Parliamentary annuities                 0.4                 0.4
Grants-in-aid                             22.6               22.0
Expenditure met by gov depts      4.6                 4.9
Total                      41.5        40.0
He said: "Once again, the powers that be are continually putting their hands into the public finances. They are not being totally clear and transparent about how that money is spent. "This is a hugely expensive institution and we should be looking at massive cuts." Mr Smith said it was possible to run a head of state at a much reduced cost, offering as examples the Republic of Ireland and Germany.

And to prove that he is totally out of his mind.......He suggested the Queen should be paid a salary of £200,000 a year!......Who the DEVIL CAN LIVE ON that PALTRY FIGURE?

"Not us that's for sure!"

Mr Smith also said that dividing the £41m between each person in the UK to arrive at the 69p figure was really a means to make the cost seem less than it was.

The £41m total does not include security provided by the police and Army or the ceremonial duties performed by the Armed Forces.

The cost of Royal travel, which is also paid by the taxpayer, increased by £300,000 from £6.2m to £6.5m.

The most expensive journeys were the long-haul overseas tours of the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall

Did someone actually PAY for THIS!?

I really don't understand what all the fuss is about......
...one only has to look into her clear blue eyes to see that whatever the cost.....
....she is worth every penny!

I wonder what the public would say if the figures were released....
....for the cost of ALL the Royals.....?....
Can you name them before clicking on the link above?....
No.....didn't think so......(and don't forget the so called 'Collaterals' listed underneath)....
...some of whom you NEVER EVER seem doing anything remotely useful!

I await this years figures with baited breath.....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord  Noel

Lord Noel on King Tut Tut

What ho!....

...Lord Noel here....

From the ancient exotic continent of Egypt......

.....home of the mystical pyramids....

...I bring you......

.....a story of intrigue, sex and loss......

....and it begins with the infamous King Tut, the Egyptian pharaoh of the 18th dynasty (ca. 1333-1323 b.c.e.) and son of Akhenatun.

Archaeologists and historians have long raged over what caused the "boy king's" demise.....

....and the mystery of how he came to a sticky end.....

....has now become the centre of further controversy.....

....as the ending.....

....has gone missing!

The Head of King Tut.....Well, that's a start

John Taylor, who looks after the mummies collection at the British Museum in London,states that when King Tut's mummy was first unwrapped in 1922, "the penis was there and was attached".

Tut's penis was reported missing in 1968, but was discovered again in 2006, lying in loose sand around Tut's mummified body during a CT scan in 2006.

King Tut the man who has had his penis with him for almost 1,700 years.......

.....suddenly finds it's gone missing?!

That's just plain careless.....

Give him one more scan.....maybe it's moved?

At that time of his discovery, Egypt's chief of antiquities, Zahi Hawass described Tut's penis as, "well-developed", but noted that the penis was no longer attached to Tut's body.

Oh Yes....somebody's gonna wanna steal this baby!

To wrap all this up: King Tut's penis was known to be attached to his mummified body in 1922; then, in 1968, Tut's royal "sceptre", appeared to have disappeared; only to reappear in 2006 when it was found buried under the sand close to Tut's body but, of course, no longer attached.

All of which tells me one thing...........

If you die extremely rich.....

......you can be buried with tons of gold, silver and precious jewels all around you.....

....but even a couple of thousand years after you're dead......

....people will still want to see your penis!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel