Lord Noel's Household Tips

Whatho! Pepys...

There are so many fantastic new inventions in the world today.
I know many Christians who regularly bless the baby Jesus for all these lovely new fangled products.
Many of these wonderful items are also multi-purpose!
(ie. they can do things other than the purpose for which they were intially purchased)
For example:

DID YOU KNOW?

A 'George Foreman Grill' makes an ideal trouser press for corduroy shorts.

You're Welcome!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Reginald - Not Literally Though!

What ho! Pepys...

His two young children watched him with growing feeling of disgust

No matter how many times he tried...

...Reginald seemed incapable of assembling a simple bunk bed.

"Damn You! Bunk bed!" he would yell, late into the night...

....as his children knelt in silent prayers to the Swedish God 'Ikea'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Payrenting

What ho! Pepys..

Cynthia was the shyer of the two...preferring to hide coyly behind her Nanny's Coat tail

Have you lost two very hairy children?

If so...You should be ashamed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Family Letters

What ho! Pepys...

The Letter:

Dear Parent$,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all the $tuff you've $upplied, I $imply can`t think of anything el$e I need. $o if you wi$h, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love and be$t wi$hes,

Your $on

..........................................................

The Reply:

Dear Son,

Thanks for letting us kNOw how you are doing. I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad
.................................................

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Nuclear Family

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday I assisted a sweet young local woman who needed to claim some State benefits for herself and her large family. We walked into the Benefits Office, trailed by her 15 children and naturally drew attention to ourselves. I left her to speak to the official alone whilst I stayed with the younger ones and read my newspaper and as I did so I listened to the conversation which took place.

As she reached the counter the social worker exclaimed, "are they all yours?"

"Yes, they are all mine," the frustrated mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "sit down Terry." And all the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "are you serious? They're all named Terry?"

Their mother replied, "well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! and when it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry! and they all come a running. And if
I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles his forehead and says tentatively, "but what if you just want one child to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then, I just call them by their last names."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Offers Some Sound Advice To All The Coffee Drinkers Of The World

What ho! Pepys....

This a rare and intimate portrait of my Uncle Ralphonso.

He had a very important job at the Ministry of Fruit

(before it was disbanded after the scandal with the banana).

You can see from this picture that he was quite a catch...

and yet amazingly he remained unmarried for much of his life.

People would often comment on his luxuriant hair growth, 

...his snappy dress sense...

and the way his piercing blue eyes appeared to follow you around the room.

And he put it all down to one thing, and one thing alone.

And do you know what that one thing was?

He never, ever, ever...drank coffee!

So let that be a lesson to you all.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Successful Offspring

Whatto! Peeps...

Four Chaps, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at an extravagant Fireworks party...
After several drinks, one of them had to use the men’s room.
Those who remained talked about their offspring.
The first chap said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder.He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the Manging Director of the company.

He's become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second chap said, 'Wow! That's terrific!  My son is also my pride and joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third chap said:  'Well, that's amazing!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:  A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?'
The fourth chap replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... Sorry to hear that... What a disappointment.'
The fourth chap replied: 'Hey No, I'm not ashamed of my son... I love him!... And he hasn't done badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Bedtime Stories

Whatto! Peeps...

Parenting small children is already stressful enough

without having to spend your entire evening 

reading them bedtime stories!

So here's a list of books I can recommend 

for the 'Parent in a hurry' 

'Goldilocks & The Bear'

'The Little Pig'

'One Dalmation'

'Jack decides NOT to sell his cow'

'The Princess with Narcolepsy'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

.

Lord Noel on Life's Vacancies

Whatto! Peeps... 

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. 

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. 

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities! 

Travel expenses not reimbursed. 

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

 
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs money

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. 

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to
go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. 

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. 

Duties include screening phone calls, maintaining calendars and coordinating production
of multiple homework projects. 

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks. 

Candidates are expected to be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. 

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. 

Attitude must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. 

You must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product. 

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

 
None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

 
None required.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: 

None! In fact you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. 

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. 

When you die, you give them whatever is left. 

The beauty of this innovative reverse-salary scheme is that you will actually
enjoy it and wish you could do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional
love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

PS   "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT"  --  EVER!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel On Parenthood

Whatto! Peeps....

Parenthood is certainly a wonderful thing....

....but why is it that when a wife gets pregnant....

....everyone rubs her belly & says "Congratulations!" 

...but nobody rubs your penis and says "Good Job"?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Two Brothers

Whatto! Peeps...

In our village there were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Animal Lovers

Whatto! Peeps...

This is my Uncle Reginald....he is a Vet

On the night that my uncle Reginald's divorce proceedings began...
...he came home with a sheep...
...and his wife took this picture of him.
She laughed and said "Whatever are you up to Reginald?"
...to which he replied "This is the cow I have to sleep with every time you get one of your headaches!"
His wife, concerned by her husbands state of mind, ventured..."But Reggie...that's not a cow...
...that's a SHEEP!"
To which Uncle Reginald shouted "I'm talking to the bloody sheep!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Scottish News

Whatto! Peeps....

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "The Show Must Go On!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

Lord Noel & Baron Von Chalfonse comparing intimate hair pieces

Having woken up today to find that the World hasn't actually ended......
......and that those pesky Christians were all lying to us again...
...(no change there then).....

....I shall regale you of the celebrations which we took part in last night which were billed as our...
..."End of the World" & "Goodbye Son" party!....
....(either way we get rid of our son)....

The plan is for him to travel alone to Australia.....
....and stay there for an, as yet, undefined period of time which could be.....
....a year......(highly optimistic)
.....six months.......(most unlikely)
....several weeks......(preferred option if bets are being taken and any of my money is at stake)
....I suppose we shall just have to wait and see....

Stevie meets one of our local Hobbits

I get covered with Seaman

'Glam X' rock expertly into the early hours with their splendid mix of 70's Glam Rock anthems

I wonder how you spent your 'potentially last day' on earth?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'The Magical Family'

Whatto! Peeps....

Girl: What does your father do?

Boy: He's a magician.

Girl: What is his favorite trick?

Boy: He cuts people in two.

Girl: Wow! Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Boy: One half-brother and one half-sister.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Dogging for Beginners'

Whatto!

As I was walking into the Post Office a small terrier followed me in.....
....and was surprised to see it take a Telegram form and scratch the words: "Woof..... Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof...... Woof. Woof. Woof...... Woof." on it.
The dog then picked up the paper in it's mouth and handed it to the clerk behind the counter who examined it and then looking at me (thinking the dog was with me) said politely, "There are only nine words here. If you wanted, you could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
To which I replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

As I left to walk home I passed two chaps who were out walking their dogs.
I saw one dog wander off to pee against a nearby wall.
Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.....
....and the second dog then went up and started to go exactly where the other dog did...
...I was just about to continue past them when I saw that instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and then relieved himself.
I was intrigued by this unusual stance and said to the owner, "How on earth did you teach him to pee like that?"
The owner replied, "I didn't teach him. He's done it that way....
....ever since the wall fell on him..."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Makes An Urgent Telephone Call

Whatto! Peeps......

I recently travelled to another part of the County to check out some more land that I was considering purchasing....

....It was quite some distance from my home so I decided to stay a few days to make the trip less hectic.

On the final afternoon I was outside for quite some time, surveying some flooding on the lower field when I received a telephone call on my mobile phone....... 

"Hello, Señor Lord Noel?" said the voice...

..."This is Ernesto your caretaker at Virtual Manor."

"Ah yes, Ernesto" I replied "What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Lord sir, that your parrot - he died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won me the International competition Trophy?"

"Sí, Lord Noel that is the one."

"Oh No! That's a great pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"He die from eating rotten meat Lord Noel."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?" I snapped.

"Nobody, Señor Lord Noel. He ate the meat from off the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred horse, he name 'Lucky'. He die from all the work - pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane Ernesto?" I implored "What bally water cart?"

"The one we use to put out the fire." he stuttered

"Good gracious Man! Start making sense!....What fire are you bally well talking about?"

"The one at Virtually Manor! The candle she fall..... and the curtains - they catch fire."

"What the.....?!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"Is for the funeral....."

"WHAT BALLY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother-in-law, Lord Sir. She show up two night ago out of blue and I thought she was thief, so I hit her with your new Golfing Driver."

At this point there followed a respectable....... and mutual .......Silence...

"Ernesto" I finally said.....

....."if you've broken that driver, you're fired!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on the Norfolk Beachscape

Whatto! Peeps.....

There's a special part of the Norfolk Coastline.....

....which holds many good memories for me.....

...and I love the way it's beauty changes with each passing season....

Those of you familiar with the area may well have visited this beautiful Medieval Barn for tea and scones during the summer months.....

....when it's giant framed interior bustles with the voices of excited tourists....

....but at this time of year this old flint giant lies quietly....
....a sleepy hollow....
....and now it is the beach nearby that I really enjoy visiting most.....

The bleak Winter sunlight gives the whole area a fresh and ethereal feel...

Clear bright skies.....
....with the merciless sea breeze cutting deep into ones fleshy parts..
..walking along the miles of beautifully secluded sand....
....enjoying that blissful isolation....

...save for the arrival of some very special guests...

...who make a visit here now....
...even more enjoyable....

For this is the breeding season for seals....

....and although the beach is temporarily out of bounds whilst the nursing mothers carry out their work...

....the sights and sounds from the beach are a joy to behold....
....from a vantage point up on the grassy dunes.

Another year......

....another generation.....

...and all the new adventures that await them....

Something those Summer Tourists definitely miss out on.....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel