Whatto! Web World!!
Lady Jacqueline and I are sometimes prone to visiting the local Supermarket for provisions...............
I must say........... I find the whole experience both tiresome and tedious!!
But unfortunately........we MUST eat!
I have - over time - chosen to do a number of things
which have helped me to find some fun in this otherwise drab ordeal...........
Imagine my surprise when my good wife received this recent communication from our local Store!
Dear Lady Jacqueline,
Whilst we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, as the Manager of our store I am considering banning your husband from shopping with us, unless his behaviour improves drastically. Our security staff have compiled the following list of incidents in which he has been involved over the past few months (each one verified by our surveillance cameras):
1. Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Began setting up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help, began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. Looked right into the security camera; using it as a mirror, picked nose........... and ate it.
9. While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle he asked an assistant if they knew where the antidepressants were.
10. Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
Whilst we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, as the Manager of our store I am considering banning your husband from shopping with us, unless his behaviour improves drastically. Our security staff have compiled the following list of incidents in which he has been involved over the past few months (each one verified by our surveillance cameras):
1. Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Began setting up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help, began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. Looked right into the security camera; using it as a mirror, picked nose........... and ate it.
9. While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle he asked an assistant if they knew where the antidepressants were.
10. Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
.............I am looking forward to receiving a Lifetime Ban!!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
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