Lord Noel Asks "Are You Getting Behind With Your Work?"

What ho! Fashion followers.............

I was just reading about a US city councillor named Dwaine Caraway 

who apparently is on a 'mission' to persuade people 

to pull up low-hanging, baggy trousers 

that give onlookers too much of a rear view.................

More than 100 adults, children, students, ministers, law enforcement officers 

and representatives from local organisations attended a summit 

organised by the 'Dallas crusader' against buttock cleavage-revealing trousers.............

(Obviously putting aside for the moment the fact that there's a war and a recession on)

This has also prompted meetings of two opposition groups................

One is called 'The Thong appreciation Society'.............

......Their 'Adopted Anthem' is "Annie's Thong")

and the other is called 'Hands Off Our Builders Bums!'

What body part would YOU outlaw?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel on Cars

Whatto! Fellow Vehicle owners................

I must admit to being a trifle naive when it comes to anything mechanical...............

That's why I normally leave all such things to our chauffeur...........

But it was his day orf yesterday and the old Roller was spluttering a tad so I telephoned the nearest dealership and they sent around a mechanic chappie called Neville............

Whilst I was talking to Neville, I remembered that I'd lost one of those seven-hundred and ten things whilst taking a brief look at the engine myself yesterday.........

Neville looked at me a little confused and asked, "What is a seven-hundred and ten?"

I was quite surprised by his lack of knowledge in this respect and replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. As far as I am aware it has always been there."

Neville seemed genuinely stumped by my simple request.............

I was absolutely amazed!...............

A Mechanic who didn't know what a 710 was?!.........

As you can imagine - I began to seriously doubt young Neville's abilities!.....

In the end Neville gave me a piece of paper and a pen and asked me to draw what the piece looked like...........

I took the paper and pen and drew a corrugated circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.......

But Neville seemed no further forward!.........

Then he had an idea!............

He took me over to his car, popped open the bonnet and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?"

I looked and immediately saw one...........

So I pointed and said, "Of course, its right there!"

It was only then that the penny seemed to drop for poor old Neville!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Twins

Whatto! Parents...............
Yesterday I bumped into a lady in town who I hadn't seen for quite some time...............
In fact the last time I'd seen her she was in the advanced stages of pregnancy!............
She told me that she'd been involved in a car accident which had caused her to fall into a deep coma..............

Asleep for nearly a month, she'd woken up to find that she was no longer pregnant.........
As you can imagine - She was absolutely frantic!..............
But the Hospital staff were quickly at hand to tell her "It's Okay! You had twins! A boy and a girl.....................

The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."...............
Now, her brother isn't the sharpest knife in the cutlery drawer...................
............so this news left her expecting the worst!
"What's the girl's name?" she'd asked concernedly.............
"Denise," the doctor said...............
With a large sigh of relief she thought, "That's not a bad name! Perhaps I was wrong to doubt my brother. I like the name Denise!"...............
Then she asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied..............

..............."DeNephew".................
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Wet & Wild

Whatto! Nature lovers..........

I was reading about the famous Exxon Valdez oil spillage - which although not the largest ever, was the worst one to date for the environment..........

Apparently that the average cost of rehabilitating each seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000........

"Well worth every penny!" I say.....................

......... Apparently a special ceremony was arranged in order that two of these most expensively-saved animals could be released back into the wild.............
Obviously this was a chance here for Exxon to show their more compassionate face to the media...............

So the press were duly invited to witness the honourable event.....................

Some of those who attended must have still felt this to be a cynical ploy to manipulate the media..............

But as the moment of release arrived there were approving cheers and loud applause from all those onlooking....................

A minute later.................

in full view of everyone...................

a killer whale ate them both..............


I wonder if this counts as the most expensive seafood dinner ever?

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Fowl Play!

Whatto! Webwatchers.................

I just came across this piece of chicken related news from the USA (where else?)......

"Forty-year-old Frederick McKaney, from Jackson, Michigan, pleaded guilty to a count of felonious assault after being accused of stabbing his own mother with a fork and attacking another woman with ten pounds of frozen poultry while riding a stolen pedal cycle. The allegation is that he hit the woman in the head with a bag of frozen chicken, opening a wound that needed five surgical staples to close. McKarney will be sentenced in December. He faces a $2,000 fine and up to four years in prison"

In England this case would have defended much more robustly.................

"My client admits that he legally purchased the said items whilst en route to a friends BBQ............. He then erroneously selected a bicycle that closely resembled his own (apart from the colour, size and make) from outside the store as he left............. He was then approached by this unfortunate lady who he believed was about to steal from him the chicken which was legally his! In order to defend himself he took immediate proactive action to render his 'would be' assailant incapacitated...............

At this point........following a violent struggle (which drained my client considerably)........ and who by now was also.........

.........overcome with severe hunger........

...........his mother unfortunately appeared on the scene......

......... dressed as a chicken!"

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Never one of these be.......

Whatto! Borrowers..............
I do love borrowing things - even though we are taught as children "Never a lender or a borrower be"..............
(probably why I never went into Banking)............
But I get great delight from borrowing things from Peter, our next door neighbour whenever possible..............
I know that recently he has become aware of my peculiar past time and has tried (unsucessfully) to prevent me having those things which I would like to borrow.................
......so I believe he now regards my visits as a bit of a 'personal challenge'..............
I headed over to Peter's house yesterday in the usual manner and when he opened the door to me - I could see that look of dogged determination on his face..................
So I knew that I'd have my work cut out this time to get ANYTHING off him..............
"Hello Peter!" I began....... in a bright and friendly fashion.............
"Hello Lord Noel" he reluctantly replied...........
"I was just wondering if you'd be using your hedge trimmer at all this morning?"......
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry Noel," said Peter with a slightly smug look, "but the fact of the matter is I have an awful lot to do in the top field..............
................ so I'll actually be using it ALL day!"
He smiled a big beaming smile................. of a man FULL of self confidence...................
"Oh Dear!" I replied dissapointedly...........
......."In that case you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Provides Answers To The Question 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?' #1

Whatto! Chicken consumers everywhere.............

They really are lovely creatures aren't they?............

Today I wondered what would happen if this age-old question was put to some public figures?......."Why DID the chicken cross the road?".........

Gordon Brown: "We in the British Government are acutely aware of the change in the direction of the chicken, which has been caused by global pressures outside of our control. We will do everything in our power to protect the British public from further fluctuations in the chicken"

George W Bush: "My Fellow Americans.....Now that the chicken has deliberately chosen to cross that line which was so clearly delineated before as 'the road' we must now ask ourselves - can we be sure that this chicken does not have unlimited access to weapons of mass destruction?"

Richard & Judy: "Later on we'll be talking to a chicken who has has, after years of indecision, finally manged to cross the road and we'll be finding out what it's been like for her and how it has affected her life."

CNN: "We are continuing to receive unconfirmed reports that the chicken HAS indeed crossed the road - although at this stage we are not being allowed access to that area....... As soon as we are we will bring you another live update on this ongoing story!"

Colonel Saunders: "WHAT! ......... I missed one?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Hoya

Whatto! New Presidents.....................

All the excitement surrounding Obama's Presidential campaign reminded me of my time spent in the Diplomatic Corp when it was often my duty and pleasure to accompany foreign dignatories in far away lands whilst interim Governments were put in place..............

Usually after a period of civil war or other hostilities.....................

I remember one particular occassion in Java when it was election time and I was asked to accompany a politician who decided to go out to try to get the local populace to vote.

Everyone assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for everyone!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling and alcohol reforms so that the local people can truly benefit!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for local people!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the area and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a farm in England, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the local Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle........

"Of course!" said the Chief smiling, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Mind your language

Whatto! English speaking public.................
I often go on a quest to learn more English...................

But it is only when I study it more closely that i realise just how confusing our mother tingue can actually be........ No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn!........

I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all...............

Here are just a few examples that clearly illustrate how ambiguous English can be:

There was a row among the oarsmen about to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

When the does are present the buck does funny things.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

We had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

As a singer she was expected to record the record.

.........I think I am going to start learning THAI!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel
......................

Business Acumen

Whatto! Business people......................
Today I happened to go into the big city where I noticed a chap standing on the street corner selling newspapers..............
"Nothing unusual about that!" ..... I hear you say.................
"Indeed not!" I immediately reply................. in fact it may be a growing industry if this recession fully kicks in ..............
Anyway this particular newspaper vendor was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, "Read all about it!........... Twenty five people cheated!.......... Read ALL about it!........... Twenty five people cheated!"
Obviously...... I was intrigued, so I walked up to him, bought a paper, and checked inside to find out what this 'big story' was all about..................
I read through quickly at first..............and then more slowly.............scouring the paper, including some of the smaller articles to try to find out where this particular item was located................
In the end..... unable to find the item I returned to the vendor and rather embarressed........said to him "Sorry old chap! You mentioned about people being swindled ......... but I can't seem to find that particular article in here............ which page is it on?...............
The newspaper seller simply ignored me and carried on selling....................
Only this time he yelled out, "Read all about it!...... Twenty six people cheated!"
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Working the Fields

Whatto! Workaholics........

I went for a bit of a stroll the other day and came across this old chap working in a field........

I thought I'd enter into a conversation with him as he looked like an interesting individual.......
It turns out that his name is Bert and I ask him "Have you been working 'on the land' all your life?"..............

"Not yet" he replied stoically..............

He then told me "I loike to ave a few sherrbits on the weekend ...... an the uther week my woife said t'me 'Wass the idea? - cumin home reely late an half drunk?' ......... an I jus say t'her 'Thas cuz I ran outta money!'...............

Later............ towards the end of the conversation with him I asked "What time do you knock off Bert?"

............"About 5" says Bert

I was a little curious and asked him...."Have you got a watch?"

"No" says Bert

"Well how do you know what time to leave then?" I ask..............

"Well d'you see that railway line over thare?" he points to a nearby track that disappers behind the edge of the field............

"Yes!" I reply..........

"Well..." says Bert "a train goes past at half past foive!.......

................."so I just pack up half an hour afore it gets here!"

"Aha!" I reply...............

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Companies feel the pinch

Whatto! Wage earners.........

The recent downturn in our economy has prompted several firms to take urgent action to try to safeguard themselves against further losses.......

I was recently sent the following notification that a friend of mine had received whilst at work and it goes to show the lengths that some companies will go to in this area......

..........................................................

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary - that way

a) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a rise

b) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a rise

c) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They will be known as Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in each of the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed to someone who cares.

....................................................

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

GP Fat Fighters

Whatto! once more............
I was reading that there is to be a new slant on Doctor's bed-side manners "Every GP [General Practitioner - Doctor] is to be instructed to tell fat patients that they should lose weight, putting doctors in the front line of a new offensive to tackle Britain’s growing obesity problem," according to the Times Newspaper.............
It goes on...... "In future GPs will have to treat obesity as if it were any other medical condition and advise the overweight to slim.
I wonder if this is the first time that doctors have been asked to cajole fat patients, old and young, to eat less, improve their diets and take exercise? The move by the Public Health Minister, is directed in particular at children and young people who need help to lose their excess pounds." I can imagine the following conversation in surgeries up and down the country: Patient: I can't be as overweight as you say -perhaps I'm just 'Big Boned'?.......... Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short!......
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Happy Halloween!

Whatto! Fellow Weirdies..............
Tonight is the night when all manner of weird and wonderful creatures fly abroad.......
.....and if you look out in the pitch black night sky.........
....you might just catch a fleeting glimpse of them.......

....with their ghoulies out!

...but remember not to OVERDO it!...........
.....oooooooooooh!!!!!

....ssssssssscary!!!!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

On the Move

Whatto! Earthlings..............

Another day of rain I fear!.............

Rain falling as I woke up.................

Rain falling as I drove to my mothers......................

.......and rain falling from my Fathers eyes when I took him in my arms and gave him one final hug......

It took everything I could muster not to join him..............as he sobbed uncontrollably against my chest.......... It wasn't like him..................... but then again.................he really hasn't been 'himself' recently................

......confused and alone........

.......he tried to explain that he thought we'd all forgotten about him........

.....that he thought he'd been ABANDONED!........

and then I had to explain that I was ABANDONING him tomorrow!.............

Maybe he knew the TRUTH all along??

We tried to reassure him that he is regularly talked about and that we ALL love him......

................and I think that made a difference............

I suppose it does.....................

to know that wherever you are.................... there's always someone...............

...............somewhere....................who loves you...................

....... Due to his recent antics......................

.....the staff had to call the Police when he had his last 'episode'.................

and I can understand their concern ............he put a chair through a window....................

and apparently had to be subdued by two Police officers who sprayed him with CS!......

Not bad for a 76 year old heh?!

Anyway.............he's being moved to a more secure Hospital..........

.........where they specialise in dementia and mental illness...................

Maybe we should all reserve OUR rooms now?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Visiting our Local

Whatto! social drinkers..............


The other day I decided to get dressed up and pay another visit to our local hostelry.........

A fine pub situated within staggering distance of Virtual Manor...........

I should add that it is because of my ideosyncratic character that I am always welcomed there............

.........and on this particular afternoon I went in dressed in a quite unusual outfit (even by MY standards!)...........

It consisted of a large pink flamingo draped over my shoulders and a large pussy cat down the front of my kilt!........

Obviously there was a mild commotion when I first walked in................

.......and I got the odd incredulous look & comment in my direction.........

But this soon died down as I confidently strode towards the bar to order my first drink of the day...............

"My good Barman!" I called out......... "I'd like a lovely Champagne cocktail my good fellow!".............

The barman duly poured my cocktail and then said "That'll be £6.80 please your Lordship!"

"£6.80!?" shouted my cat - "I wouldn't pay £6.80 for a Champagne cocktail!"

I just smiled uncomfortably, stroked my pussy and continued to pay the man and drink my delicious cocktail...........

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!.............. Delicious!!!...................

"I say old chap!" I called out a few minutes later......... "I'd rather like a spot of that Vieux Armagnac you've got back there!"..........

The barman obliged once again and placed my drink down infront of me in the usual manner........

"That will be £13.10" says the barman............

........and again my cat made a fuss!...... "£13.10 for an Armagnac!? That's disgraceful!".......

Then my flamingo tapped me the head with its beak and said "Can I have a packet and cheese and onion crisps please?"

"That will be 66p please" says the barman, laying down the crisps...........

"66 pence!? ....... For a bag of crisps!?" said my cat loudly "That's SCANDALOUS!!!!"........

The barman looked slightly concerned for a moment and then said to me "I don't mean to be rude but I have noticed that your cat has been complaining about the price of everything - what ever's wrong with it?

I was somehow expecting his question...............

........it was inevitable enough in the circumstances.............

So I took a large sip from my Armagnac and set out to explain everything to him..........

I began by telling him the truth.......

"Well, my dear fellow!" I began ........ "I was on holiday in County Wicklow - in Ireland...............

..........and I was walking along by the side of the river bank when I heard a little voice shouting "Help me! Save me!"..........

And when I looked over there was a leprechaun stuck in the bottom of a tree!......

The leprechaun said to me "If you help me get free from here I will grant you a wish!"

"Really?!" said the barman.........."And what did you wish for?"

"I asked him for a tall bird with a tight pussy!"

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Improving our Airlines

Whatto! Sky Travellers..........

I have travelled extensively throughout the years on various airlines and from observing each experience I have come to certain conclusions which I believe may assist certain forward-thinking Airlines to get ahead of their competitors.................

.......and I am prepared to reveal those important conclusions here and now to you all...........

They are dynamite!!..........

Okay! Firstly .........get rid of the male flight attendants!...........

Sorry old chap...........but I think you'll find.............

No one wanted them in the first place........

Then replace all the female flight attendants .........

.....with good-looking strippers!

TALLYHO!!!......

Simple and EFFECTIVE!! After all they don't even serve food anymore, so there's absolutely NO loss!

These highly trained strippers would get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin and thus triple the sales of expensive 'on-board' alcohol!!...............

Men would naturally start flying more frequently in the hope of seeing naked women.

These female flight attendants would also command big tips from happy travellers thus avoiding the need to pay them a salary - saving even more money!.........

It may be that the tips received would be so good that these women could be charged for working on the plane!............. and the airline could even look at the possibility of deducting 20 % of the tips as a sort of 'kick-back'!..........

........thus increasing revenue still further!!............

(Above: "Excuse me young lady but I think you'll find you're sitting on my nuts!")

This is without mentioning the additional perks, which could include lap dances and 'special services' that they may chose to provide!..........

Muslims would be less inclined to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women......

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and customer safety records would increase exponentially!

The airline industry would see record revenues!.......

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a failing liability into an asset!.......

I expect my dear friend Richard Branson (or Dickie as I prefer to call him) will be reading this right now..........

As a vibrant entrepreneur - he's always quick orf the mark! Har!!!..............

And he has the added advantage of always being surrounded by beautiful Virgin ladies!

I've often heard it said that.........."When Dickie is involved.............. men lose ALL reason!"

Why didn't Gordon Brown think of this? ........Why do I have to do everything myself?

Tallyho!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Points I've Pondered

Whatto! Wonderful people................
There are a number of things in life that I have pondered on from time to time............
Here are SOME of them............
...in no particular order:

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all our money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When they make new dog food with 'improved taste' - who tests it?

Why couldn't Noah have just squashed those two little mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needles they use for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

That's better! lol
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Life Insurance

Whatto! Living people...............

The other day my lovely wife - Lady Jacqueline- got an unsolicited telephone call from a telesales lady purporting to be from a well known Insurance company.............

One can never be too sure .................so she grilled her for a while to check her credentials............

Happy that the formalities had been completed the Insurance lady asked her if she'd like to open a policy.............

Not wishing to appear rude, but wishing to bring the telephone conversation to a speedy conclusion my wife replied "Oh I leave all that kind of thing to my husband" thus avoiding the necessity to be directly rude in order to put her orf!......

Not to be outdone, the Insurance lady seemed sure that she could close a deal somehow ............and pressed on with her telesales patter.....................

"I know it's not something you would wish to think of right now Lady Jacqueline........but do you know what would you do if, for example.............your husband died?"

There was a long pause................

And Lady Jacqueline replied "Do you know...........I've never really thought about that particular event............."

"BUT.......

.......if it happened......".................

".................I'd probably get a budgie!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wasp World

Whatto! Insect lovers................
I must say I was shocked by the sight that awaited me in Lady Jacqueline's dressing room the other morning!.............
It certainly wasn't for the faint hearted!!...........
There on the floor (where else would it be?)..........the carpet was literally and liberally................

........Littered....................
with corpses!.........

Wasp corpses!
There is a nest in the attic above her dressing room and apparently they get in via the extractor fan in the ceiling...............(cunning hey?)

They stagger about for a couple of days looking for a way out and then drop dead on the floor!.......
Not much of a life is it?!........... (although it does sound VERY familiar - Har!)
Anyhow..............
One or two of these malicious buggers have been secreting themselves in my wifes personal accoutraments and lie there in their half dead half alive state.................
Waiting!...............
And sure enough when my good wife goes to put on the said garments.............
(Oblivious to the waiting insect inside)..............
It happens!.............
WHACK!!
It sticks its vicious sting right into her!.......... (This time it was her left forearm!)
She has been subject the daily stinging sessions and is now at the end of her tether.............
Myself - Being an insect lover (and rather lazy too)...........
I used something known as 'tin foil' to cover the extractor fan....... in the hope that they will please sod off somewhere else and stop squirting their poisonous venom into my poor wife!
Im sick of it! and so is SHE!.........
Think how you'd feel if you walked into your wifes dressing room only to find her full of pricks!
You'd be Disgusted!............
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel