Lord Noel's Mugshots

What ho! Criminals....

I often wonder who we should turn to in todays Society...to use as an Icon...

..someone...whose example we could follow...

..whose lifestyle we could emulate..

..so I have come to the conclusion that Criminals must have chosen as their Icons...

.....CELEBRITIES!

Here's Phil Spector........

legendary record producer........

......having been arrested and photographed for a muder that he was later found guilty of.............

From his expression on this pic I'd say to Phil "It looks like you've lost that loving feeling!

And here's that well known ear-eating rapist Mike Tyson...............

Didn't he also box?

I was surprised by some of my finds as I trawled through Police Photgraphic records..........

But certainly NOT surprised to find good old Steve 'Hellraiser' McQueen amongst them

The usual suspects turned up..........
You can't be a gangster rapper without a rap sheet!
Although I recently saw him on TV........

........languishing in one of his many luxury mansions with his wife and children........
......a real family man now.

Some of my finds surprised and saddened me............

Who could've known?.....

.....and some were like blasts from the past..........
....although you can't make out the blue eyes in this pic.

Apparently this man got sentenced to nine and a half weeks ..........

....with Kim Bassinger!

No wonder he re-offended!
Police had to take this one to keep up-to-date with his rapidly changing facial features!

This chap got caught trying to break into The Matrix.........

And Paris ..........well..........

........ is just Paris!........

........she just CAN'T turn off that desire to model......
I bet some crim couldn't believe their luck to find her 'banged up' with them!

Some went on to achieve great notority from their links with the mafia........

Maybe he was just doing some 'early research' for the role?

And it's not often you get 'The Prince of Darkness' as a guest!......
........."SHARON!"

Here's an innocent man if ever I saw one...............

He certainly doesn't look the type to murder his wife in cold blood!........

Nick Nolte doesn't look as though he found the whole thing enjoyable.......

I think he may have been arrested for wearing that shirt!

Sometimes the early signs were there............

.....that things weren't going to turn out well...............

......if only we knew then.......etc.......

Sometimes it was too much drink................

.....sometimes it was too many drugs..........

......sometimes it was the fault of the little children..............

......but these revealing glimpses into a moment in time............

....often show a more vulnerable side of a well-known face..........

.....sometimes they were just 'desperate' housewifes.............

.....with others what got them into trouble was SEX...............
I take it from Hugh's frustrated expression...............

.......... that police arrested him BEFORE he'd finished......

.........Whilst others look well and truely 'finished'.........

..........Exactly what you'd expect from a 'Sex Machine' ................

.........Some were just trying to make a point...........

....and others were getting to the point............

But no matter how Alien these images may seem...............

........their acting skills often shine through in these pictures.......

Having seen Robert De Niro's look above........

......Who better to cast in 'Cape Fear'?.......

....or a mass murderer?
There's one thing I am sure of though..........

.....I don't think it could EVER happen here........

.......in good old ENGLAND!!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Celebrates Super Women!

What ho! Ladies................

I was pleasantly surprised to discover how many good female super heroines there are 

in the wonderful world of comics!

Those of you with an insightfulness in that area of expertise......... will probably be able to name most of the lovely ladies on display here.....

And it reminded me that I spent the other evening inventing super heros with the help of some other lovely people who came over to enjoy our company at Virtual Manor.......

With their help and encouragement I was able to create FIVE!...... It may have been more but that's all I could remember by the end of the evening!............. And I think 5 super heroes is quite enough for one night!............

I shall be contacting Marvel Comics as soon as I've 'fleshed them up' a bit............. to see if they are interested.........

They aren't like your 'regular' Super Heroes.............Although all the Heros I created had a 'special power' of some sort that they could utilise in an emergency................

.....but not necessarily one that they'd chose to brag about............... I'm sorry I can't tell you more..........but I'd have to kill you..........and you must understand that I like to tantalise and torment you as much as possible..........(that's one of my special powers!).......

And do you know?................ that by the end of the evenings frivolities......... which incidently only took place after some deep and taxing discussion......

......all the people round our generous banqueting table....... seemed like Wonderful Super Heroes to me...........

and one of them in particular................ has TODAY reached the grand old age of 30!

.......And she just happens to be my lovely lovely daughter!.........

Yes....I know what you're thinking......."Lord Noel doesn't look old enough to have a 30 year old daughter!"..............Well that's very sweet of you!.......But it's absolutely TRUE!!

(By the way......have you heard of a company called 'Specsavers?)

And this lovely lady is someone I feel very proud of today.............. she has blossomed into a wonderful and beautiful woman....................... who can rightly be described now........

........ as A SUPER WOMAN!

And........ in her name she carries a secret weapon of Love with her wherever she goes...............

Happy Birthday Caragh!

Best Wishes and lots and lots of love............... Dad & Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(That's Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline to the rest of you!)

Lord Noel On Seeing The 'Bigger Picture'

Whatto! Artistic types..............
I am always amused by modern business lingo............
You know the sort of thing........
....the phrases you look for at meetings when you're trying to stay awake.........
........ things like 'Thinking outside the box'........
....almost as if OUR generation invented the idea of looking at things in an entirely different way!
When actually it's been being done for centuries!
No!......THOUSANDS of years!
When creativity was a real asset............
....something valued for the powerful effects it had on us.......
....something that made the difference between our survival and our death


Long before the arrival of Televisions............
that flickering box of light with the mind numbing side-effects!
.......long before technology started to create obstacles for us.........
(I still smile when I see two people sitting together ........each having separate text conversations with other people who aren't there)

From the cave drawings of ancient lost tribes......
People regularly turned to "ART" to explore their own 'minds eye'.......
.....Not content with having their view of life dictated to them by some unseen force......
They chose to create their own version of reality........
...... delighting in simple parlour games........
.......and chatting together....
....exploring new ideas and each others minds in the process............

Nowadays......society will see you as an 'Artist' if you chose to pursue such endeavours.........
When Art and self expression should be a natural part of ALL our lives........

How else could we have known EXACTLY what was on Einsteins mind.........
....unless we were prepared to LOOK DEEPER?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Coffee Time

Whatto! People........

A friend of my good Lady wife's dropped in the other day for a chat looking a bit disheveled.......

.........and she told us she'd been to her Doctor for advice on how best to deal with her husbands flagging libido.....

Apparently the Doctor asked 'What about trying Viagra?'

But she told him 'Not a chance.......He won't even take an aspirin.'

'That's not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him a 'Viagra coffee' .........

......That's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee....... So that he won't even taste it!.......

......'Give it a try' he told her '...... and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

She then told us that she'd actually tried out his suggested method that very morning!

We were very curious to know how she got on....... and were surprised when she replied..........

.....'It was all terribly embarrassing!'

'Why?.....What happened?' we both asked......

'Well, I did as the Doctor advised and slipped it in his coffee................

.......... and the effect was almost immediate!.......' she recounted..............

........'He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye.........and with his trousers bulging fiercely!.............. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying...........

...... ripping my clothes to tatters.................

......... he took me there and then............

............ passionately................. on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare I tell you!...........An absolute nightmare!'

'Why was it so terrible?' asked my wife, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'

'Oh no!' she replied.............. 'it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!......

...... It's just that...........

......... I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in Starbucks again!'



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - New Secretary Needed

Whatto! Entrepreneurs.........

In todays climate I would have imagined that an advertisement like mine.........

.....placed for a 'New Personal Secretary'..............

.....would have been an extremely popular proposition!

(Maybe I should have placed it elsewhere besides the window of the post office?)


Luckily I still received a handful of responses........

.....One of which I reproduce below.................



"Deer Lord Noel......

I weesh to apli 4 the job as sekritery wot waz advertysed in our lokal pust orfic larst weeek.

I hav no preevus expeerunce but i can tipe up to 17 words a minet.......(on a gud day)

.....and I am shur I can even inkrees this with praktis.

I am very keen to start as soon as pasibul as I cud do wif sum xtra cash rite now.

I am punktual and always smart in my apeeruns......

I have enklowsed a pic of me for yur rekords

Yurs fayfully

Marion"





.......She started work on Monday!




Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Password

Tallyho! Computernerds.............

My good Lady wife was helping me set up my new computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised me that I would now need to "enter a password"...

(Something I will use to log on with...)

I must admit that I was in a rather amorous mood and decided that I would try something a little different (for me) to bring the subject matter to my wife's attention......

When the computer asked me to enter my password, I made it plainly obvious to my Lady wife what I was entering................ by stating each letter OUT LOUD as I typed..........

So the conversation with the computer went a little like this:

Computer: 'State Password'

Me: 'P!...E!...N!...I!...S!'

Then my good lady wife fell off her chair laughing........

........ when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED.......

........ NOT LONG ENOUGH!***


Tallyho!
Best Wishes- Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Duck!

Whatto! Countryphiles........

One of the great things about living in the Countryside is that one gets invited along on a shoot from time to time............

The local farmers are a fine bunch of chappies........

.....but should never be underestimated..........

I was with one party which included a rather loud chap from London..........

He was also rather too full of himself and spent most of the day boasting far too loudly about his law firm......

He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a boundary fence.....

As this chap climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman appeared on a tractor and called out "Hey! What are you doing?".

He responded, "I should have thought that was quite obvious! I've shot a duck and it fell in this field, so I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "I see........ well this is my property, and you are not coming over here!"

The indignant lawyer said, "Look old man.......I am one of the best Barristers in the U.K. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue in court .....and take you for everything you've got!"

We were all a bit aghast at this nasty threat as usually most disagreements can usually be resolved in a much more Gentlemanly manner.......

But the old farmer just smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Norfolk............. We settle small disagreements like this with the TK Rule."

The lawyer, suddenly curious, asked, "What is this 'TK Rule'......I've never heard of such a thing?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, TK stands for 'Three Kicks'......... so first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until the weakest person gives up."

The chap quickly thought about the proposed contest and, weighing up the old farmer in front of him, decided that he could easily take on the old Farmer, so smiling, he agreed to abide by the local 'TK' custom.......

I watched as the old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to this city chappie........

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot right into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.......

Keerrrrunch!.....

His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face!

Zaoowstttt!......

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney left him in absolute agony.........

Laaapppppow!....

The lawyer then seemed to have to summon up every bit of his remaining strength to slowly struggle to his feet...........

.....then he wheezed, "Okay, you old blaggard, now it's MY turn!"

But the old Norfolk farmer just smiled and said, "Naw..... You can have the duck!"



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Reads All About It!

Whatto! Readers............

Isn't it odd how sometimes headlines in Newspapers can sometimes give an entirely different message.......?

Here's some examples:...........



Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case



Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted



Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents



Iraqi Head Seeks Arms



Eye Drops off Shelf



Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66



Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe



Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies



Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge



Deer Kill 17,000



Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks



Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy



Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply



Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood



Residents Can Drop Off Trees



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half



New Vaccine May Contain Rabies



College Opens Doors to Hearing



Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni



Include your Children When Baking Cookies



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors





Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Advice On Turning Men Down

Whatto! Ladies............

As I man I can still recall how I used to prowl the clubs and pubs at weekends........

In a romantic effort to meet someone suitable from the 'opposite sex'......

And........... Do you know?........... I would often meeting ladies who weren't interested!.........
(I know that's hard to believe......but it's honestly true!...........)
So always remember Ladies........
......there are ways of letting a man know when you're NOT interested......

............'ways' that will not distroy his fragile ego....

.... FOREVER!

(Here are some of the things you should definately AVOID saying to men............)





HE : Can I buy you a drink?

SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
..................................................................



HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
...............................................................................


HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
.............................................................................


HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE : I must've been given your share.
............................................................................


HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
............................................................................


HE : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
..........................................................................


HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE : Okay, get out.
..........................................................................


HE : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
..........................................................................


HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
..........................................................................


HE : Can I have your name?

SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
..........................................................................


HE : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.
.......................................................................


HE : Where have you been all my life?

SHE : Hiding from you.
......................................................................


HE : Haven't I seen you some where before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
......................................................................


HE : Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
.......................................................................


HE : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
......................................................................


HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE : 'Do not enter!'.
....................................................................


HE : Your body is like a temple.

SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
.................................................................


HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
....................................................



Whatto!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Says It's The Law!

Whatto! Murphy's ............. 

All Murphys will be familiar with the phrase 'Murphy's Law'.....
.... which apparently "Always strikes on Friday" and follows the general principle that "If anything can go wrong..... it will!".
I have managed to trace the origins of 'Murphy's law' ............
.......and it all goes back to a certain Captain Edward A. Murphy (an American engineer at Muroc, California -later named Edwards Air Force Base).
In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, "If there is any way to do it wrong, we'll find it." John Paul Stapp (the Technician) picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.

As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.......
1st Amendment:If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
2nd Amendment:If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.
3rd Amendment:When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.
4th Amendment:
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.
5th Amendment:When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.
Last Amendment:Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.

Examples of Murphy's Law:A lost needle will be found when you are walking around barefoot.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.

Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself):
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to need of the object.
You always need more paint, nails, screws or glue.
The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases as soon as you actually start the project.
(To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete).

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Reviews Swine Flu Face Masks

What ho! Health conscious........

With Swine flu sweeping the Earth.......
I thought I'd take some time out to research what flu masks are currently available to us all........
Mexicans are mainly choosing to use the simple 'mouth cover' flu mask as a means of trying to prevent the further spread of this potentially lethel virus...........
Probably because they are the cheapest and most readily available form......
This Mexican musician said "I think these masks are so great!.......now I can put on a CD and mime!"


There are some disadvantages though.....................
And reports indicate that the art of sensual kissing has certainly become less popular in France....



Of course.....If you really want to be safe.................
Why not invest in one of these chappies?......
The makers claim "It's safe to use, efficient and you'll hardly know you're wearing it"
"Where did I put that face mask?........Ooooh! Silly me!....I'm WEARING it!!"
Mmmmmm...........


With the simple 'mouth cover' face masks you can also add that 'personal touch'........
....just by adding your own design to the front!
The possibilities are endless!.......
Here's the "Always cheerful" mask for those people dealing directly with the public....
"Have a NICE day!"



But beware.............
Sometimes the design of the simple face mask can start to influence your choice of clothes.......
....and who knows where that will lead.......?
Introducing Batmans latest Nemesis........."Aaaaachooo Man!"



Of course....in the rush to satisfy growing public demand...........
......other inferior products have already begun appearing on the market............
....which you should certainly beware of........
This face mask for example...............
.....has been found to be totally useless in the fight against swine flu!
(Although you do have lovely soft skin while you're sneezing to death)


And whilst the developers of this mask thought that this design would 'do the trick'
.................it too proved unsucessful!
(Apparently the Swine flu virus doesn't frighten that easily)


Some people like to live dangerously.............
.....and have taken to openly TAUNTING the swine flu virus.............
.....almost DARING it to infect them!

And don't forget that at times of public panic you still have to try to stay calm and plan ahead...........

Did you know for example, that masks are already available for an outbreak which hasn't even occurred yet?!....

Sheep flu!

 

I'm just following HIM!

 
What ever measures you now decide to take.......
Remember that giving more attention to simple personal hygeine can prevent the virus spreading........
......and doing simple things will minimise your contact with the illness......


Not like this dirty swine!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel - Dear Milkman

Whatto! Milkmen......

'Leaving a note for the Milkman' is fast becoming a distant memory as more and more of us buy our milk from Supermarkets............

But over the years they have been called on to perform some interesting duties.....
..............here's a selection of classic notes for your perusal:



Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.



Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.



Cancel one pint after the day after today.



Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.



Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.



Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.



Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.



Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.



Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.



When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.



Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?



My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?



Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.



Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. (Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it).



From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.



My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.



Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.



When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.



No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Lessons Lernt

Whatto! Mature people........ 

I've learned alot of useful things in my life...............
......some of which may also prove useful to you......
....as you travel life's highways and byways..........
......and footpaths.......
........and bridleways............

whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed........

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.......

one good turn gets most of the blankets......

depression is merely anger without enthusiasm......

it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.........

we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.....

artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

and finally..........that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jaxqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Knows It's In The Eye Of The Beholder

Whatto! Doctors.............

Beauty is always a very difficult thing to put your finger on..........

Almost as difficult as putting your finger on....

....... Mary Segovia's nipples!

"Who on Earth is 'Mary Segovia'?".....I hear you ask..........

Well.......... to find out....

..... read on.................

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Important Message Re Swine Flu!

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

BE WARNED...

Whatto! Sneezers...............

Apparently H.M. Government are taking numerous steps to continually advise the populace regarding the ongoing pandemic...............
However.............
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.






It's just Spam.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse