Lord Noel's Advice On Parenting For Beginners

What ho! Pepys.....

As an avid 'watcher of people' I have been fascinated to see how parenting has changed over the years.....
....from Victorian times when children were 'seen and not heard'......
....to today....when many modern parents rarely manage to get a word in!
With this in mind I have compiled a list for anyone thinking of becoming a parent......

RULES FOR RAISING YOUR CHILD

(1). Begin 'proper parenting' as soon as possible. Start in infancy by giving generously to your child whatever they demand. As they grow older, remember to also give them plenty of spending money, so that they don't feel they have to earn any. After all...why should they have things tough? In the same way try to satisfy their every craving for food, drink and comfort, regardless of how much weight they seem to be gaining....the main thing is that they're happy. Any hint of 'denial' on your part could easily lead to harmful frustration and tantrums in your child (which can often be dealt with by showering more gifts on the 'tantrumer'). This way your child need never feel deprived and will grow up genuinely believing that the rest of the world owes them a living.

(2). When your child starts to use 'bad words', just laugh! This will convince them they're being cute and will encourage them to seek and use much "cuter" phrases that will surprise you in later life.

(3). Avoid using of the word "wrong" or apportioning blame when interacting with your child, it could easily develop a guilt complex in them. Properly applied, this technique should result in a steady mental conditioning that will lead them to believe they are being persecuted unnecessarily when they are later arrested for any crime.

And remember to always take their side against neighbours, teachers and the police because all these people are prejudiced against your child! If your child gets into real trouble, remember to apologize for yourself by saying something helpful like, "I never could do anything with them".

(4). Make your home a place where your child can feel comfortable. It is your job to pick up everything they leave lying around, that way, when they reach adulthood, they will be experienced in throwing all responsibility onto others. Give them complete freedom to expose themselves to any printed or visual matter they can get their hands on.Let them enjoy this 'garbage mind feast' undisturbed.....it's all part of growing up! But please be careful to sterilise all drinking glasses and work surfaces throughout the home.

(5). If you're lucky enough to have a regular partner, remember to quarrel frequently in the presence of your child. In this way, their shock will be reduced when the home is later broken up or vandalised by any family member. It will also set them an achievable 'norm' to strive for when organising their own future relationships.

(6) Always make sure you have plenty of sedatives handy.....you may need them.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel