Lord Noel On The Lord's Word

What ho! Pepys.....

As someone who has very little knowledge of the Jewish religion I was interested to hear an American 'expert' Dr. Laura Schlessinger on CNN say that "Homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and as an observant Orthodox Jew I cannot condone it under any circumstances".

I was very impressed that her 'Good Book' gave such clear and unequivocal guidance.....

....and I immediately read some more Leviticus for myself.

It was certainly clear....

....but it raised a couple of questions in my mind which I felt I had to ask her.

So I sent her this letter:

"Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding 'God's Law'. I have learned a great deal from you and will try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. 

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be 'an abomination' ... End of debate!
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Polish, but not French. Can you clarify? Why can't I own French people?

In these difficult economic times I have decided that I would like to sell my daughters into slavery, (as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7)...... In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for them?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is 'in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness' (Lev.15: 19-24).  The problem is..... how can I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates 'a pleasing odour for the Lord'  (Lev.1:9.)  But my neighbour complains! He says that "A 'normal' BBQ is fine but burning beef outright just creates a bad smell!". I want to just smite him as he also insists on working on the Sabbath at B&Q. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death...... Am I okay to kill him myself, or should I ask someone from the Church to do it?

A friend of mine says that although eating shellfish is an 'abomination' (Lev. 11:10) it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination? (Clearly any Homosexuals eating shell fish require immediate execution - and you'll be pleased to know that a group of keen followers have been recruited to do God's work by visiting local restaurants looking for effeminate male diners).

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit to being slightly longsighted......but if I wear glasses to correct my vision will that make me okay?

I've noticed that most of my male friends are getting their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  Must they ALL die?

Lev. 11:6-8 says that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me 'unclean', but if I wear gloves can I still play football?

My uncle has a farm. I've noticed that he violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme. I've read what it says in Lev.24:10-16 but is it really necessary to go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together just to stone them?  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we've been doing with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
 

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.

Lord Noel"

I still haven't received a reply...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel