Lord Noel Hopes You Are Heeding My Advice

Whatto! Parishioners.....

Like so many Villages up and down this fair land of ours......

....another Edition of our 'Village Rag' has hit the sleepy lanes of Norfolk......

....and of course it features my extremely popular 'Advice Column'.......

.....where I was contacted by yet another Man who is struggling with an eternal problem......

Here's his letter:

"Dear Lord Noel 

I hope you can help me with my problem.....

....it's a bit 'personal'.....

...it's The Wife!
She's started a new diet of coconuts and bananas...... 

She hasn't lost weight, but now she's brilliant at climbing trees!
We were at the beauty shop for two hours yesterday.....

...... and that was only for an estimate!
Of course, she does what she can to make herself attractive for me.....

....for example, she recently got a mud pack.....

.....and looked great for two days......

......but then the mud fell off.
People look at us when we're out together....

.....and think we're very much in love.....

....as we always hold hands......

....but that's only because....

.....if I let go, she shops!
I'm sure she has a black belt in shopping......

.....because she'll buy anything marked down.

... Last year she bought an escalator!

(It looks great in the living room by the way)
But all my wife does is shop!

Once she was sick for a week......

......and three shops went bust!

My problem is......

....how can I explain the 'Offside Rule' in Football to her?

Yours sincerely 

Reginald Ransid"

Here's my reply:

"Dear Old Reggie,

Thanks for dropping me the old line and asking for advice and such like......

I must say that I was faced with a very similar problem myself last year....

......when I was walking high across the Mountains....

....getting back to 'Nature' and so on.....

...the tranquility was amazing and I felt totally at peace with the World...

....when suddenly, from behind a nearby rock, this chap leaps out...

....and starts 'having a go' at me!

This blighter goes and ruins my whole calm mood by shouting 
and criticising me in a brutishly loud voice!

I can tell you - it took all my tact and diplomacy training 
not to knock the dashed fellows block orf!

Anyway.....as he continued to sound orf.....
I regained my stature and finally asked the Cad 
"What the Devil is the matter with you old chap?"

....and do you know what he said?

No?

Well then I'll bally well tell you!...

....he said "I just don't like your altitude!"

I think you know what I'm getting at now....

..so I hope this all helps somewhat!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"