Lord Noel Knows Every Little Helps

What ho! Shoppers...

We, like every other village up and down the Country, have a thriving Tesco store on our doorstep....

....but I hadn't considered that it might be the centre of a MURDER ENQUIRY!

Yes!

As a Court case continues involving a local man who is accused of Conspiracy to Murder....

...the evidence seeks to reveal how the dastardly plot was cruely hatched....

Apparently the Defendant (a young husband named Stefan) .....

.....was tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage.....

....and decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary....

.... and then arranging to have her killed!

A 'friend of a friend' (who is yet to be named) put Stefan in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'.

Artie then explained to the Stefan that his going price for 'snuffing out' a spouse was £5,000....

....(which I found surprisingly cheap!)

Anyway, Stefan said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so Stefan opened his wallet, which had a single £1 coin resting inside it, and apparently Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as downpayment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed Stefan's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.....

.....and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly on to the murder scene!

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie said he had 'no choice' but to strangle the produce manager as well!

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.....

...who, for once, were relatively close by.....

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Later, under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan......

....including his unusual financial arrangements with Stefan, the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested....

...and today, our local newspaper headline declares ...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel