Lord Noel's Xmas Fairy

What ho! Pepys...

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it

just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree!

Tallyho!

Have a lovely Xmas y'all

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Happy Xmas

What ho! Pepys...

I'm always trying to bring in some new ideas for Xmas rather than doing the same old thing each year. This year I suggested to Lady Jacqueline "For a refreshing change this Xmas, why not put our chipolatas on blinis & call them "pigs-on-waterbeds"?" 

If you need me I'll be resting under the Xmas tree...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Supermarket Trip

What ho! Pepys...

They had this special offer on - for Polygimists

As my Butler had the day orf I went by myself to visit the Supermarket and I found it a most miserable and depressing experience. If I could describe Hell it would definitely be something like this.

Even the Staff were unhelpful!

I asked one 'assistant' if she could point me to where the cloves are and she sent me to the 'Garments Department'

I've bought lots of so called 'Special' products from the Supermarket for Xmas and have since sampled them all to find out which ones are totally top notch.

I have still yet to discover an 'All-Butter Mince Pie' that lives up to my highest expectations.

So here - In desperation - is my recipe for 'All-butter mince pies'.

(1) Take a packet of butter.

(2) Carve it into the shape of a mince pie.

(3) Eat it.

You're Welcome!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

(Well known Xmas Glutton)

Lord Noel's Merry Africans

What ho! Pepys...

I am always receiving emails from my fans in Africa offering me vast amounts of cash which I naturally politely decline, pointing out that I already have several rooms crammed full of money and a shed full of small change.

It's really lovely to know that they are all thinking of me and making such generous offers - especially as I was led to understand that Africans are notoriously poverty striken!

So to all my African friends I would like to send Greeting of the Season in my own inimitable way...

 Merry Christmas!

In Akan (Ghana) "Afishapa"

In Shona (Zimbabwe) "krisimas yakanaka"

In Afrikaans (South Africa) "Geseënde Kersfees"

In Zulu (South Africa) "Sinifisela Ukhisimusi Omuhle"

In Swazi (Swaziland) "Sinifisela Khisimusi Lomuhle"

In Sotho (Lesotho) "Matswalo a Morena a Mabotse"

In Swahili (Tanzania, Kenya) "Kuwa na Krismasi njema"

In Amharic (Ethiopia) "Melkam Yelidet Beaal"

In Egyptian (Egypt) "Colo sana wintom tiebeen"

In Yoruba (Nigeria) "E ku odun, e hu iye' dun!"

 

Tallyho!

 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Xmas List

What ho! Pepys...

I have managed to locate a number of very interesting presents which are both pleasureable and ecofriendly!

If you're still wondering what to buy me these may give you a clue.

The first is cake!

You can never have enough cake can you?

The baby Jesus loved cake...and so do I.

And then there's DRINK!

Xmas wouldn't be the same without booze.

It's what one of the Wise Men brought to the manger to help everyone Celebrate!

Next - GAMES!

Not the electronic ones... I like sitting by a table and moving things around with my hands whilst interacting with fellow humans! I know I know - I'm so old fashioned.

Here's a game which is VERY popular in Britain right now...

Next up is this little beauty!

Apparently it wakes one up when it's prayer time - with a very loud recording calling one to prayer!

Perfect!

These pressies also took my fancy for their creativeness on a budget!

Who says you have to be loaded to enjoy the Winter Solstice?

First - Personalised balls!

Light these candles and they roast the coffee beans - making the whole room smell delicious!

Jazz up your left over bottles and make them feel special again!

I fill mine with home made sloe gin! Hick! 

Can you afford a black pen?

Yes?

Then you can make someone you love one of these lovely paper weights!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes and a Happy Solstice!

Lord Noel



Lord Noel Says Apocalypse Now?

What ho! Pepys...

I have been severely misled.
By a tribe of people who lived many, many years ago.
Clearly they were blessed with a great sense of humour.
Because I was given to understand that today the World would end and we would all be toyally vapourised by Nature or invading Aliens
... but I am still here!
Don't get me wrong.
I'm very happy to be carrying on living.
But I went to an 'End of the Earth' party last night and drank waaaaaaay too much white wine.
I also collected two round red balloons and one long red one and made myself a giant set of genitals which I managed to somehow strap to my body as I was dancing around on the dance floor.
Luckily I was attacked by a militant lesbian who grasped my balloons roughly and pierced them with her vicious tallons thus bringing my fertility display to an abrupt ending.
What with that and the way my head is feeling - I was kind of looking forward to being vapourised.
Now I have to contend not only with someone beating a huge bass drum deep inside my head but with the thought of Xmas!
It's actually going to happen!
Better start making a shopping list.
Damn those persky Mayans!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Vaccine Update

What ho! Pepys...

The medical industry, if it is even willing to acknowledge the existence of Macrophagic Myofasciitis (MMF) -- for years, conventional medicine also tried to deny the existence of fibromyalgia -- insists that the condition has no known cause. But copious research, including a study published in the journal Brain back in 2001, reveals that there is indeed a known cause of MMF, and that cause is vaccines. As it turns out, vaccines that contain aluminum adjuvants, which include vaccines for hepatitis A and B, as well as the tetanus shot, are directly linked to spurring the inflammatory lesions associated with MMF.

"The association between MMF and multiple sclerosis-like disorders may give new insights into the controversial issues surrounding vaccinations and demyelinating CNS disorders," explains the Brain paper (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11522584). "[I]ntramuscular injections of such vaccines (that contain aluminum) in experimental animal models induce comparable but transient lesions at the site of injection, suggesting that MMF may occur 'in a predisposed subset of individuals with impaired ability to clear aluminum from the deltoid muscle.'"

A later study published in the Ear, Nose & Throat Journal in 2007 made a similar but much more direct connection. In its opening assessment, the study explains that the pathophysiology of MMF "has been traced to the presence of an aluminum adjuvant used in vaccines." According to the findings, aluminum from vaccines aggregates at the site of injection, and as many as one-third of people that develop MMF as a result also end up developing autoimmune disease as well. (http://www.entjournal.com)

Learn more here

or here

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Amazon

What ho! Pepys...

I often go internet shopping because I find the process quick and efficient. 

Sometimes it can also be a source of joy as I found when I checked out this product....and then read the wonderful customer reviews! 

Check it out for yourself here.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

441 of 450 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A triumph... 1 April 2011

By barkas

From the moment you remove the cap you realise you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended.

3 Comments | 

Was this review helpful to you?

Yes

No

107 of 109 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful, but where are the blackberries?? 14 Jun 2012

By Mr. L. J. Hudson

Despite going through three bottles of the stuff, I still cannot detect any hint of blackberries on the palate. The company should really have a chat with their in-house tasters who obviously have no clue what they're talking about! They seem to be incapable of telling the difference in flavour between blackcurrant and blackberry.

Still, it's a lovely, refreshing tipple on a summer evening. Best served in a chilled glass with ice. Nothing can beat the kaleidoscopic patterns made by the sun's rays shining through this pale pink bottle of delight. The play of light on my genuine wood veneer Home Bargains patio table is something to behold.

Grab a few bottles of this fabulous drink while it's at such a low price. You will be the talk of all your friends when you present them with a glass of Barrettine at the next barbecue or dinner party. Why not invite Pam and Paul Ross while you're at it? I'm sure they'd love to come.

1 Comment | 

Was this review helpful to you?

Yes

No

24 of 24 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Works wonders...life changing stuff... 13 Dec 2012

By Ronnie Jotten

Are you sick of the mundane quiet comfortable middle-class family life ?
Do you have two well educated spotless kids called Toby and Jocasta and a dog named Henry ?
Have you lost the passion in the once sweet, carefree kiss you give to your Burberry and green wellington booted wife that drives a green rangeRover each morning as you leave for the office ?
Tired of thinking about the many investments, pension plan schemes and the never-ending stream of lawyers bills and up-keep of two homes.
Sick of your Au Pair, gardener and maid ?

YES ?
THEN...

Wipe the slate clean with a healthy dose of Barettine methylated Spirit.
100% guaranteed to secure you a life of fun, chasing pigeons around car parks, swearing incoherently at strangers and not worrying about urinating in ones pants in public.
Thick, grey matted hair will now grow on what once was a shiny balding dome and the narrow, pale, majestic nose will flourish and spread like red broccoli.
You will find a certain freedom in carting around a sleeping bag full of newspaper instead of a Louis Vitton suitcase full of designer pyjamas, and take great pride in winning yet another fist fight with the elderly bag-lady where you hold her head over over a perforated oil drum fire located underneath cold a motorway bridge.

Barretine's Meths changed my life - some would say for the better - give it a go - AN ABSOLOUTE BARGAIN - 5 stars.

1 Comment | 

Was this review helpful to you?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Yes

No

Lord Noel Gets Shellfish

What ho! Pepys...

When I think about Winkles, Cockles, and Clams.

..I can't help thinking that such items are probably...

the genitalia of the sea. 

Indeed it is said by certain wise old fisherfolk that some Scallops may even be infected 

with crabs! 

So don't dare to ask me if I fancy a swim in the icy Yuletide! 

I wasn't Prawn yesterday!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Likes Oscar Wilde

What ho! Pepys...

Today we have some of the lovely Irishman (who never lived in Norfolk) Oscar Wilde's many Quips...

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

But what is the difference between literature and journalism? Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Genius is born - not paid.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

'One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.'

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

There is no sin except stupidity.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Philosophical Ponderings

What ho! Pepys...

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- You never see Giraffes playing leapfrog

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- Anyone who believes in psycho-kinesis should raise my hand.

Okay smart arse!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Life Lessons from Movies

What ho! Pepys...

As a regular Movie goer in my youth I can honestly say that they taught me everything I know about the World today and particularly people and how they will behave. Goodness knows how many times this information has saved my life! Now it may just save yours too! You're welcome!

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

-- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

-- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

-- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

-- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

-- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: EnterPassword Now.

-- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Reginald - Not Literally Though!

What ho! Pepys...

His two young children watched him with growing feeling of disgust

No matter how many times he tried...

...Reginald seemed incapable of assembling a simple bunk bed.

"Damn You! Bunk bed!" he would yell, late into the night...

....as his children knelt in silent prayers to the Swedish God 'Ikea'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Facts Of Life

What Ho! Pepys...

There are certain things in life that everyone should know...
...here are some of them...

Don't take lettuces from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Jeremy Kyle isn't educational TV, so why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reports On An Alien Threat

What ho! Pepys...

Two aliens landed in the wilds of Scotland desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the heather, where they landed in a heap. 
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
"If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy," the other alien answered, "it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't f*ck with him!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Encourages You To Aspire Away

What ho! Pepys...

Everyone in America has Aspirations...
...If you don't have any here in the UK please feel free to borrow some of these lovely Yankie ones!

1. "Aspire to be Barbie; that bitch has everything." 
2. "If the shoe fits, buy them in every color." 
3. "Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila." 
4. "Try the 30-day diet; I'm on it and so far I've lost ten days." 
5. "Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS; this is just your personality." 
6. "Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself." 
7. "Don't get your knickers in a twist; it makes you walk funny." 
8. "When life gives you lemons... buy Mexican beer." 
9. "The perfect man? He's living in San Francisco with his boyfriend." 
10. "Parenthood gets better after the first forty years." 
11. "Anything with tires or testicles is trouble." 
12. "By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Takes A Hike

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday I took a walk. The air was cold but perfect for keeping cool as I strolled tentatively along the pathways strewn with leaves of gold. 

Brambles trying to hastily hide their worn out shriveled fruit behind ageing yellow leaves scruffily hunch over and surround trembling green nettles with their brutal thorns bared.
The shadows of birds dash from bushes to trees and out of my reach. Rabbits scan me from afar before galloping away flopping into the undergrowth.
The shadows of birds dash from bushes to trees and out of my reach. Rabbits scan me from afar before galloping away flopping into the undergrowth.

A Munkjack deer stops to watch me momentarily before wandering off casually between the twigs and ditches that disguise its territory from me. Pheasants rattle their wings and squawk excitedly as they too make haste. 

A robin flits onto a nearby twig. With tiny head tilting, he eyes me silently then flits away.
The trees hold their skeletal arms skyward. Adoringly craving the weakening rays of the autumn sun whose watery disc struggles barely above the horizon. As it drops still further the light changes and takes on a warming glow. The remaining leaves become clouds of yellow butterflies huddling together in the bony branches for the last rays of light. 

The path of fallen oak leaves crumples beneath my boots - an impossible jigsaw puzzle whose pieces are even now slowly decomposing.
Slowly the sound of a bypass breaks my silence. Lorries trundle by, thankfully oblivious to my golden Kingdom as they busy themselves with self-important commercial tasks. The pounding shotguns boom out in the distance reminding me of mans ingenuity in killing. I wake from my blissful trance as the light fades further and the golden path becomes a tobacco stained track that leads me away from natures beauty for another day.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Hot Gender Issue

What ho! Pepys...

Some Swedish women draw attention to two important issues

In a town named Visby, in Sweden they consider 'Gender-based pay discrimination' to be a major problem.

The Feminist Initiative party recently protested and drew attention to the problem by burning $13,000.

Party leader Gudrun Schyman said the money (donated by two men!) was equivalent to the amount female workers in the county are denied every minute as a result of making less than men in the same jobs, according to local news reports.

Schyman said at the burning in the city of Visby that the fire was a more effective tool than to "burn" the cash on a half-page advertisement calling for equal pay.

"Discrimination against women is allowed to continue year in and year out. It is one of the biggest scandals in our democracy that neither the parliament, government or social partners do more for the human right to not be discriminated against because of their gender," said Shyman.

I suppose MY question is.....

...Did anyone hear about this expensive publicity stunt?

Me Neither.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Wears Olympic Condoms

What ho! Pepys...

Now That's what I call a Private Investigator!

I said: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. 

I believe I'll wear gold tonight."

She said: "Why not wear silver 

and come second for a change?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel