Lord Noel on T'internet

What ho! Pepys...

As someone who is determined to get the most out of the Internet,

I have just been on one of those Price Comparison websites. 

So far I have discovered that Vincent is a lot taller than Katie 

though she has much bigger breasts.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

What ho! Pepys.....

....Lord Noel here....

"Hey there's water!.... I'll just go and wash my balls"

I am orften asked by my good Lady wife.....

....what the attraction is of Golf to a man of my tender years.....

.....and I told her "I can sum up the attractions of Golf by giving you a list.....

....the infamous 'Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex' list"....

....and I proceeded as follows:....

You see, In golf....

It's very difficult to get the ball in the wrong hole

A below par performance is considered good.

You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

Wallop! She certainly knows how to stroke balls

Foursomes are encouraged.

You can still make money doing it as a senior.

Three times a day is possible.

Golf - 'A nice walk ...ruined'

Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

Neville preferred to play with himself - wanker!

And best of all................

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Time to trade in the old bag?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Advice To Newlyweds

What ho! Pepys...

I recently received this letter from a concerned newlywed...

"Dear Lord Noel, I have recently become married to my darling sweetheart and want my marriage to be as successful as yours. I was surprised to find that there was soooo much to do each day for my husband and I was wondering if there are any speed limits that apply inside the home or can you run around as fast as you like? Yours gratefully Dora Matt"

Dear Dora, thank you for writing to us and for our well deserved compliment. There are certainly NO speed limits applicable inside one's own home! Har har! And the best advice I can give to you for a successful marriage like ours is that a 'Good Wife' always puts her husband's happiness first, she will not complain when he spends some extra money on the latest video game or some vintage wine, after all he has been working very hard all week.  She will always let the husband chose what to talk about, because he knows very well what is interesting and what isn't. She will never complain when he takes his dirty clothes off & leaves them on the floor, because it will only take her a minute to pick them up. Neither will she interrupt him when he has his friends round as they have alcohol to drink and important things to discuss such as games, sport and politics. A 'Good Wife' also rises early to collect her husband's favourite paper & wake him with coffee and freshly squeezed fruit juice while she cooks him his full breakfast. Remember he needs to look his best each day so don't forget to press his trousers and shirt and polish his shoes before he rises. A 'Good Wife' should always pay extra attention to her hair & makeup especially at the weekend. It's natrual that she wants to look her best for her gorgeous husband. Saturday afternoon is when he may want to watch sport on television with some friends, so this gives you the perfect chance to clean the car for him! But as soon as you've finished (and begun preparing his tea for later of course) make sure you've changed into your best lingerie underwear ready for a nice romantic Saturday night in with him. A 'Good Wife' will always compliment her husband after a romantic moment in the boudoir, she would never dream of complaining about how quickly it all took place. Remember Marriage isn't just about getting kisses & gifts, it's about providing a good home for your husband to say "Thank you for marrying me!"

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Identifies A Niche Market

What ho! Pepys....

...Lord Noel here....

In these difficult times, it seems all too common to see previously flourishing businsses 'going to the wall'.....
....so I was pleasantly surprised to see one of our High Stree shop being refurbished for re-opening.
I peered through the shop window and saw inside that there were two workmen sitting down, having a break....
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up....
.....but I was curious to know what new enterprise was afoot....
...so I ventured inside the soon-to-be new shop.
I wandered inside and smiled sweetly and said "Hello Gentlemen! I'm Lord Noel and I was wondering what it is that this shop will be selling?"
One of the men smiled widely whilst elbowing the chap sitting next to him in an unsubtle manner....
....and replied, "We're selling arse-holes!"..... somewhat sarcastically
They both giggled together like naughty schoolboys at their clever retort which clearly demonstrated their shared superior intellect.....
"Really?" I replied without skipping a beat.....
"You must be doing very well .......
.....you've only got two left!"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Roses

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline was chatting with her very good friend "Any idea what you're getting for your birthday," she asked.
"Roses from Bob ... that's a given," said the friend.
"What's wrong with that?"
"Well, he always has 'expectations' after giving me flowers and I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air!"
Lady Jacqueline thought about this for a moment...
...and then asked "Don't you have a vase?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Social Skills

Whatto! Peeps...

I really don't mind it...

...when people push all my right buttons...

...but I become infuriated when they turn my dials... 

...then flip my switches...

....and try to twist my knob

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Sex - Part Seven

What ho! Pepys...

This wasn't quite what Reginald had in mind when he asked Beryl to give him head

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Investment Advice

What ho! Pepys...

I am very pleased to announce the start of 

'Lord Noel's Financial Investment Learning'.

Here are some terms you will need to learn 

prior to beginning the course:

CEO

Chief Embezzlement Officer.

BULL MARKET 

A random market movement causing an investor 

to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING

The art of buying low and selling even lower.

P/E RATIO

The percentage of investors 

wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER

Something that dabbling in stocks and shares 

will make you.

STANDARD and POOR

Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST

The Idiot who just downgraded all your stock.

STOCK SPLIT

When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER

Someone whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION

This usually occurs on the day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW

The movement your money makes 

as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR

Last years investor who's now locked up 

in a nuthouse.

PROFIT

An archaic word - no longer in use. 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On FEMA Camps In America

What ho! Americans...

The following link is to a leaked training video which shows FEMA agents telling new recruits that your founding fathers were "the first terrorists" and that any activist civilians who are dissatisfied with their current government are considered domestic terrorists by the CIA. It also mentions "If a few thousand civilians were killed by a biological weapon - well that's too bad".

The rest of this text has been cut and pasted directly from the information below the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOJZS6AeejA&feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOJZS6AeejA&feature=related

The U.S. government, under a program called REX 84, runs approximately 3,708 detention camps nationwide. They are all fully operational and ready to receive prisoners should the US government institute Martial law.

The Rex 84 Program was initially established as a way to deal with a mass exodus of illegal aliens crossing the Mexican/US border, they would be quickly rounded up and detained in detention centres by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency). Rex 84 allowed many military bases to be closed down and to be turned into prisons.

Operation 'Cable Splicer' and 'Garden Plot' are the two sub programs which will be implemented once the Rex 84 program is initiated for its proper purpose. Garden Plot is the program to control the population. Cable Splicer is the program for an orderly takeover of the state and local governments by the federal government. FEMA is the executive arm of the coming police state and thus will head up all operations. The Presidential Executive Orders already listed on the Federal Register also are part of the legal framework for this operation.

The camps all have railroad facilities as well as roads leading to and from the detention facilities. Many also have an airport nearby. The majority of the camps can house a population of 20,000 prisoners. Currently, the largest of these facilities is just outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. The Alaskan facility is a massive mental health facility and can hold approximately 2 million people.

INFO ON ONE MILLION FEMA COFFINS:

For an aerial view of these FEMA coffins, look it up in google maps (maps.google.com) or google earth by pasting in the following coordinates:

33°33'57.36"N 83°29'6.26"W

This facility is located off Lions Club Road in Madison, GA. They allegedly will not answer enquiries about the purported use of the boxes.

These coffins are stacked on pallets, upside down on each other (about 17 per pallet). Apparently the Government is expecting a million people to die relatively soon, and the Atlanta Airport is a major airline traffic hub, probably the biggest in the country, which means Georgia is a prime base to conduct military operations and coordination. It is also the home of the CDC, the Center for Disease Control. One million plastic coffins "just in case something happens". When has our government every been so efficient?

There are over 3,700 FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) camps over the United States all fully staffed and operational, just waiting to take in the non compliant population under the appropriate circumstances.
Educate yourself. For information everything mentioned here, click the links below.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_84
http://www.libertyforlife.com/jail-police/us_concentration_camps.htm
http://www.infowars.com
http://www.prisonplanet.com

America - what's going on?

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Dawn

What ho! Pepys...

It may have been mainly because of the firecrackers going off outside
to celebrate the Chinese New Year

but I woke up extremely early this morning
It was long before anyone else in the Villa was awake

and after a short while I found myself thinking..
"What am I going to do with all these worms?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel In Thailand

What ho! Pepys...

Here we are, Lady Jacqueline and myself, in glorious Thailand.
We have finally given up on British weather and have chosen to fly to the other side of the earth rather than brave another winter at home.

Bloody beaches are packed with tourists! Not! har har!

Here it is wonderfully warm and we sit on the beach and leave the balcony windows open day and night.
Believe me, that's definitely not something we would have been able to do at home.

Local fruits - How many would you go 'all they way' with on a first date?

The jungle all around the villa teems with wildness and the calls of exotic birds and crickets,
and provides all the local fruit we could wish for.
And we also have a pool which I use every day to do my rigorous regime of exercises...
...and also to float around on a lilo on.

Lord Noel - Hard at it

Meals are delicious and although Thai food is absolutely marvellous they seem to cook all styles.
And with meals starting at as little as 60 pence each, we won't be using up a lot of money on food.
The Thai people are always busy doing something.

She was only a fishmongers daughter - but she liked to show off her red snapper

...whether it's a bar or a fish market or a Thai boxing match, which we love.
Here they do girl-on-girl, my personal favourite!
That's where we will be headed tonight once the sun goes down and we've finished at the pool.
There is a Tesco Express in town but I am avoiding it like the plague, preferring to give any of my money to the local stall holders who always make me smile with their ingenuity.

Red snapper and king prawns - my absolute favourite!

Here they fix TV's on the pavement outside the electrical shop as part of the spectacle.
And everyone seems to have something else outside of their normal stock that they sell outside to passers by.
Never afraid to take the opportunity to make another few baht each day.

Room for one more on the back!

I've been walking into town and Thai people keep stopping next to me offering me lifts.
I have politely declined on most occasions preferring to exercise, but when I have enjoyed their hospitality I have always remembered to give them a tip for their trouble.
My last tip was "Have you thought of investing in some crash helmets?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Chills Out With A Film

What ho! Pepys...

There is absolutely nothing wrong 

with spending an evening in viewing a jolly nice Cowboy film 

whilst enjoying a nice glass of chilled white wine...

...in fact - I would positively encourage it.

But be careful who you share this information with...
...one can so easily be misinterpreted by saying 

"I'm watching Brokeback Mountain with a Semillon" 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Obama? - Oh Bummer!"

What ho! Americans...

Were you one of the many people who genuinely rejoiced when Obama came to power?

Were you one of the many who believed that there would be real changes?

Do you now believe that nothing has changed?

Are you surprised that Obama delivered exactly the same as Bush, Clinton and Regan?

Are you now under the impression that whoever gets voted in will make no difference?

If you answered 'Yes' to these questions - Congratulations!

You have finally had your eyes opened and are now able to see through the facade 

of the modern day so called 'Democracy'.

'Democracy' that allows those in control of the money to dictate the course of an entire country.

'Democracy' that feeds you lies in order to placate you long enough to do whatever they want.

'Democracy' that invades other countries - whether they are Sovereign States or not.

'Democracy' that sends young men to kill and be killed

...so that businesses and banks can continue to make profits.

Confused?

Just ask yourself this question?

Who benefited?

Who benefited from the invasion of Afghanistan?

Who benefited from the invasion of Iraq?

...and who will benefit from the forthcoming invasion of Iran?

Was it you?

I didn't think so...

So who benefited?

Who holds the real power?

Follow the money trail to find your answer.

Good luck with the elections for your next puppet.

God Bless America!

Kerching!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Offers Some Sound Advice To All The Coffee Drinkers Of The World

What ho! Pepys....

This a rare and intimate portrait of my Uncle Ralphonso.

He had a very important job at the Ministry of Fruit

(before it was disbanded after the scandal with the banana).

You can see from this picture that he was quite a catch...

and yet amazingly he remained unmarried for much of his life.

People would often comment on his luxuriant hair growth, 

...his snappy dress sense...

and the way his piercing blue eyes appeared to follow you around the room.

And he put it all down to one thing, and one thing alone.

And do you know what that one thing was?

He never, ever, ever...drank coffee!

So let that be a lesson to you all.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Tales From Africa

What ho! Pepys...

During my time with the Foreign Office

I was sent abroad on various Top Secret & Vital 'Missions'

from which (I later learned) I was "never expected to return".
It was a constant thrill for me to see the look of total surprise
on my colleagues faces each time I returned to the office safe and sound.

I remember one trip to East Africa which went so well

I stayed on for several months.

This time I really wanted to get to know the local people

but knew that would mean learning 

their complex East African language of 'Hadza'.

So I bought several tapes and even had a local girl 

visit my lodgings late at night to assist me.

I spent literally hours trying to master it

and just as it seemed I would be unable to learn even the most basic phrases 

... it clicked.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Brought To You By The Letters E & A

What ho! Pepys...

Today I remembered the time I got a phone call from our local hospital.

It was the A&E department.

The Doctor said to me: "Lord Noel - your wife's in hospital with us and being treated" 

I was shocked to hear this news and said: "How is she?" 

The Doctor said : "I'm sorry to tell you she's very critical." 

I said: "Ah, you get used to that."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Jewce Out Of T'Sea

What ho! Pepys...

 

"No Bees were harmed in the making of this product"

Yet another use for the ubiquitous Clam!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Proves That Maths Is Boring

What ho! Pepys

Despite all their efforts, the Mathematics Teachers couldn't keep the remaining two students awake

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Finds Religion

What ho! Pepys...

Are you struggling to find out which Religion you should be following?...

...this might help

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Sport of Kings

Whatto! Peeps...

Recently I went to Great Yarmouth racecourse 

for a little flutter in the geegees.

I know one of the Touts there who gave me some 'names to watch'.

But, despite all his advice, I lost money on the three horses I put bets on.

It was so unusual for me that I even remember their names.

One was called 'Sunshine', 

another was called 'Moonlight'

and the last one was 'Good Times'. 

(I blame it on the bookie).

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Knows The Plucking Lot

What ho! Pepys...

Hand up all those who paid attention in History lessons at school?

If you did, then you may have been taught this priceless bit of information.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French (anticipating a victory over the

English) proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without their middle finger it would be impossible for the English Bowman

to draw their renowned longbow

thus rendering them incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree,

and the act of drawing the longbow was known as

"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset

and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the

defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster

at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F',

and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the

longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

AND IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Pop

What ho! Pepys...

The appeal of Pop Stars seems to persist unabated.

And for some reason each generation creates an illusion in their minds

that Pop Stars are special and unattainable

but in reality they are no different to you or I

(well...definitely you)

Yet women still go weak at the knees for Polio Iglesias
and hanker after the taste of Posh Spice.

But I think they might feel differently

if you knew these Celebrities better in their 'off stage' persona.
For instance did you know that Sting's real name is actually 'Prick'?
and Bono is an abbreviation of Bonio?

I often find their 'work' more interesting than the people themselves

and I love the way that an Artist like David Bowie 

has been able to continually reinvent himself over the decades.

At one point in his creative career he openly experimented with drugs 

to get inspiration for lyrics.
Recently I've been snipping up Bowie's lyrics and rearranging them, 

trying to work out what the original newspaper cuttings were about.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "How Tickled Am I?"

What ho! Pepys...

My good Lady wife told me that a very good friend of mine 

the Celebrity comedian Ken Dodd 

had rung up whilst I was out.

I said "Did he?"

She said "No, Doddy"

OH! How I laughed! Arf arf arf!

Luckily he rang me back a short time later 

and we chatted for quite some time.

Then he told me that the real reason he'd rung 

was because he had a rather strange request.

I said "Really Doddy? - what on earth is it old chap?"

He said "Well Lord Noel - When I next come to visit you and your good Lady wife
  I want to leave my quilt on the floor of your boudoir."

I said "No way! Over my bed, Doddy!”
(I'm assuming this wasn't one of his euphemisms)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Cultural Relations

What ho! Pepys...

How are you feeling today Fido?....."Ruff!"

 

I once knew an attractive German animal doctor 

We met in the middle of a violent rainstorm.

I think what impressed her most was when I said to her 

"I can't wait to get you out of those vet clothes".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Time Travel

What ho! Pepys...

When my Lady wife said she'd bought me a lovely watch for my Birthday I thought it was a wind up

 

One of the pins on my lovely watch bally well broke orf. 

So I went out to seek a suitable replacement.

In the end I had to drive to a decent jewellers in Norwich 

where I pointed out my predicament to the young female assistant.

She then asked me if I wanted to try a new strap on. 

Which I thought was a bit forward of her.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Popular Music

What ho! Aspiring Musicians! 

Why not follow the lead given 

by successful pop band The Wurzels?

..who ploughed the proceeds of a successful pop career 

back into new farm machinery 

and then bragged about it in song. 

Genius.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Pycheth A Fylm Idea He Hath In His Headeth

What ho! Pepys...

I've come up with a 

FILM IDEA!

and I know that the Film Executives at these various Film Companies like a 'Storyboard'

So - for the sake of economy - I have complete'd a cheaper one below...

The story so far....

_///O\\\ ____________________\o/________
"Oh No! A huge water spider!"

_____________,,,,///O\\\_____!!\o/!!_______
"That's really the last thing I need after the day I've had!"

_____________________,,,,,,,,///Oo\\\________
"Oh yeah! That's it - chew my head why don't you?"

_____________________!! / \\\Oo/// \ !!_________
"Fightback!"

_______________________!!!! \\\o/// !!!!_________
"Yeah! You don't mess with the Six Armed Man!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Humane Body - Male

What ho! Pepys...

(On this picture the 'Sprange Brackets' can clearly be seen nestled behind the 'Futtock Trap')

I am someone who has always prided themselves...

...on their inspirationally fantastic 'Interpersonal Skills'...

...so it certainly won't surprise you to learn that I have finely tuned my sensitivities...

to enable myself to work on a different level to mere mortals...

I can now easily detect gays with my "gaydar"...

...and I can sense hetrosexual Dudes on my "dudar"...

and if you want some fresh fruit...

...I better get my "Duberry" out.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Final Solution

What ho! Pepys...

I recently read this article on how American Servicemen who have to navigate Drone attack weapons from cosy rooms back in America are now suffering from stress!

Awwwwwwwww!

Perhaps the realisation that they have personally killed hundreds of innocent civilians and children...

...is beginning to play on their mind?

Well I have a solution!

With all the technology at it's disposal...

...why don't the Ministry of Defence use real time battle targets in on-line Computer games?

Then all the on-line games could fly the real drones for the Government whilst thinking they are actually playing a game....but actually taking out real targets on the ground?

Genius!

Is there some commission in this for me?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Political Quiz

What ho! Pepys...

Today I have a Political Question for you.

Which famous Politician said:

"Why of course the people don’t want war… 

But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along....

....whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship… 

Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. 

That is easy. 

All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. 

It works the same in any country."

Bush? Obama? Blair?....

Nooooo...

It was Nazi leader Hermann Goering

Repeat after me "I am FREE!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says Roll On 2012!

What ho! Pepys...

Out with the old and in with the new...preferably on a nice warm beach!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline