What ho! Singers......
Apparently the X Factory is closed for yet another year!
With the winner Joe McTafferty going orf into the sunset to celebrate his new-found fame and fortune.
Mind you.....
...if MY sister was one of the judges....
....I'd bally well expect to come in first too!
Tallyho!....and Wallop!
Har! Har!
And good old Syco was over the moon too!
When I saw him being congratulated on TV....
....he said he just couldn't believe so many people had been generous enough to ring in on the expensive premium rate telephone numbers.....
....thereby contributing heavily to his rapidly growing retirement fund!
But as Cheryl Cole so rightly said......
"Joo canna affard ta noo reston is larrels......
....thars faaa too moodge compatishun oot thar!"
And how true that is......
....we all saw it for ourselves this weekend.....
....down at our local hostelry.
The contenders for NEXT YEARS X Factory......
....were already assembling to prove they are worthy successors....
Some tried to win over the judges.....
....by interesting use of costumes........
....whilst others played their 'Cute' card..
..to the FULL!
Some......
....some were just loving....
.... being plain miserable.....
But ultimately we ALL knew......
...that this was a competition to find.....
.... the BEST VOICE IN THE VILLAGE!.....
....so all the gimmicky outfits in the World wouldn't mean a heap of diddly squat when that final curtain finally came down and fell, finally.
One by one.....
....the young and the 'not so young' hopefulls came tentatively up to the microphone.....
....to show what they were capable of......
...many had waited their whole lives (well most of it)...
.....for this moment!
Old ballads and classic crooners revealed themselves.....
.....long lasting Duets were formed.....
....as the comaradery slowly grew between the competitors.......
The song pounded relentlessly onwards......
....as I gasped for breaths between each higly complicated counterpoint.....
....daring only now and again.....
....to look up at the judges....
....to try to gauge their true responses.....
....from under the pained expressions they all portrayed to us.
But even I knew what they were going through at that moment......
...how can any mere mortal hear such unique and unearthly sounds....
....and not be incredibly moved?
Eventually....my song built itself to its own amazing CLIMAX!
And..... as the final notes from my, now parched, throat.....
...echoed across the 'reverb of time' and into our own tiny microcosm of existence.....
...I gasped with pride...
...as the audience went totally wild!
THEY LOVED ME!
(Well not the one on the right...she was totally underwhelmed)
But I was met and congratulated by my good Lady wife.....
....who said that she'd never heard anything quite like it in her life.....
....and it was THEN that I revealed to her that some of the improvised sections that I had included were of such a HIGH pitch.....
....that ONLY DOGS would have heard it!
I was quietly confident...
..but by no means through the woods....
....YET!
Overcome by emotion......
....the crowd slowly settled.
Finally.....after what seemed like a lifetime.....
....but was probably only about sixteen and a half minutes.....
....the results were in......
And our very own Syco read out the results in ascending order......
I couldn't believe it when they reached 'Second place' and my name still hadn't been called out.......
....the pub erupted in an orgy of excitement as it became obvious who tonights VICTOR was!
Your very own 'YOURS TRULY!'......
And as the judges voices boomed out above the screaming crowd the words that I had so longed to hear......
...."And Tonights WINNER is....
(ten second pause)
.....LORD NOEL!"
....my good Lady wife grabbed me to congratulate me.....
....in my moment of triumph!
With the winner Joe McTafferty going orf into the sunset to celebrate his new-found fame and fortune.
Mind you.....
...if MY sister was one of the judges....
....I'd bally well expect to come in first too!
Har! Har!
And good old Syco was over the moon too!
When I saw him being congratulated on TV....
....he said he just couldn't believe so many people had been generous enough to ring in on the expensive premium rate telephone numbers.....
....thereby contributing heavily to his rapidly growing retirement fund!
"Joo canna affard ta noo reston is larrels......
....thars faaa too moodge compatishun oot thar!"
And how true that is......
....we all saw it for ourselves this weekend.....
....down at our local hostelry.
....were already assembling to prove they are worthy successors....
....for 'Joe's Croon'!
....by interesting use of costumes........
..to the FULL!
Some......
....some were just loving....
.... being plain miserable.....
...that this was a competition to find.....
.... the BEST VOICE IN THE VILLAGE!.....
....so all the gimmicky outfits in the World wouldn't mean a heap of diddly squat when that final curtain finally came down and fell, finally.
One by one.....
....the young and the 'not so young' hopefulls came tentatively up to the microphone.....
....to show what they were capable of......
...many had waited their whole lives (well most of it)...
.....for this moment!
.....long lasting Duets were formed.....
....as the comaradery slowly grew between the competitors.......
And then.....
....it was MY turn!
I just went out there....
....focussed on what I had to do......
.....remembering that what I do best is always 'Random Skatting'....
....the style I was most comfortable with......
......and then added a few spontaneous 'Mariah Carey' screaming 'top note' flourishes.....
....for good measure.
....as I gasped for breaths between each higly complicated counterpoint.....
....daring only now and again.....
....to look up at the judges....
....to try to gauge their true responses.....
....from under the pained expressions they all portrayed to us.
But even I knew what they were going through at that moment......
...how can any mere mortal hear such unique and unearthly sounds....
....and not be incredibly moved?
And..... as the final notes from my, now parched, throat.....
...echoed across the 'reverb of time' and into our own tiny microcosm of existence.....
...I gasped with pride...
...as the audience went totally wild!
THEY LOVED ME!
But I was met and congratulated by my good Lady wife.....
....who said that she'd never heard anything quite like it in her life.....
....and it was THEN that I revealed to her that some of the improvised sections that I had included were of such a HIGH pitch.....
....that ONLY DOGS would have heard it!
I was quietly confident...
..but by no means through the woods....
....YET!
I looked around at all those adoring faces.....
....and saw that my rendition had reduced some ladies.....
....to TEARS!
....the crowd slowly settled.
Finally.....after what seemed like a lifetime.....
....but was probably only about sixteen and a half minutes.....
....the results were in......
And our very own Syco read out the results in ascending order......
....the pub erupted in an orgy of excitement as it became obvious who tonights VICTOR was!
Your very own 'YOURS TRULY!'......
And as the judges voices boomed out above the screaming crowd the words that I had so longed to hear......
...."And Tonights WINNER is....
(ten second pause)
.....LORD NOEL!"
....my good Lady wife grabbed me to congratulate me.....
....in my moment of triumph!
There then followed the Crowning Ceremony.....
....during which I was awarded.....
.....the coveted 'Ears for music'
....with all my faithful and deserving fans calling out to ME!
I was soooooo proud!
Tallyho!
Does anyone know Simon Towells mobile phone number?
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
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