Whatto! Peeps....
As someone who is always interested in a good investment....
...it was pointed out to me that Property is a good buy at the moment.....
...but, being worried about being a Landlord and such like....
...I sent away for a 'Landlords Guide' from a small firm operating on the Internet.
It arrived promptly and was surprisingly inexpensive, so I'm reproducing it here for any other aspiring Landlords or Landladys:
HOW TO BE A PROPER LANDLORD!
1. Be kind to the environment, don’t use a Tenancy Agreement, or any other paper-consuming document.
2. There’s no room for empathy here, so you don’t want to hear excuses. You’re running a business, not a charity shop.
If you’re a twat and ignored point #1, then redeem yourself by putting the following into your tenancy agreement:
1.1: I don’t want to hear excuses. You will not give me any. Ever.
1.2: I am running a business, not a charity shop.
3. Reserve your precious energy; don’t waste your time making quarterly inspections. All problems can be settled after your tenant has moved out with the security deposit and...
...a baseball bat.
4. There should never be any immediate rush into making repairs. You’re already giving your tenant a place to stay. If you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have everything you need, nothing else really matters.
5. How often do properties actually burn down or randomly topple over? Never!! So Building insurance is pointless. Kind of like that guy from Wham. Not George Michael, the other one that did nothing. You remember him?
6. When a tenant calls, it’s NEVER good news. If you want to spend all your valuable spare time ignoring their incessant RING-RING, RING-RING that's your problem. Personally we suggest you NEVER EVER give out any telephone numbers to these people! An internet address it quite sufficient for their needs.
7. If rent is 24 hours late, hand out both Section 8 and Section 21 like candy. Most tenants are clueless, they’ll be scared and most likely cough up the dough.
8. Reference checks are as reliable as a chocolate teapot and as useful as an ashtray on a bike so don't waste time with them.
9. Giving tenancy to someone with a bigger physical presence than yourself is potential suicide. We only recruit scrawny nerds or elderly women so we can lay the smack down on them if they cross the line. Physical violence and threatening antics are always reliable tools if you want to walk down the road to victory.
10. Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around. You’re THE LANDLORD so overshadow your tenant with your menacing authority.
11. Replacing the locks is like having abortions- the best form of pest control.
12. If you like chavs and spongers and want to support their cause, then declare your earnings to the snake-oil taxman. Otherwise, be a man and keep all the moolah tucked away under your mattress.
13. Don’t bother using a Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme. Use the money for a long deserved holiday, or something else worthwhile, like a wicked Pioneer basebox for the boot of your new motor.
14. At the end of a tenancy, pick up on every motherfooking glitch like a hawk so you can hold back some, if not all, of the deposit. If you look hard enough, you’ll find enough damage to never have to part with any of it.
15. Don’t be scared to dish out Notice Of Rent Increase Forms, especially to long term tenants that are reliable and in their ultimate comfort zone. They’ll most likely pay the new shiney rate since they’re now nicely settled in.
16. Following on from point 15, capitalizing on profit should be the bread and butter aim for all landlords (See Point 2 above).
17. ALWAYS assume the tenant is completely oblivious to their rights, because that’s usually the case, and you’ll save a bundle of cash. With that in mind, forget about Gas Safety Certificates, Energy Performance Certificates, and the like - they're all extra expenses you can well do without.
18. DSS tenants are the holy grail of tenants. Embrace them like newly born children embrace the nipples of their mothers’.
19. You’re paying the mortgage so you’re keeping the rain off your tenant’s head, never forget that. You owe them nothing. They owe YOU!
20. The property your tenant is in is YOURS, not theirs. You can enter and leave it as you please.
21. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
As someone who is always interested in a good investment....
...it was pointed out to me that Property is a good buy at the moment.....
...but, being worried about being a Landlord and such like....
...I sent away for a 'Landlords Guide' from a small firm operating on the Internet.
It arrived promptly and was surprisingly inexpensive, so I'm reproducing it here for any other aspiring Landlords or Landladys:
1. Be kind to the environment, don’t use a Tenancy Agreement, or any other paper-consuming document.
2. There’s no room for empathy here, so you don’t want to hear excuses. You’re running a business, not a charity shop.
If you’re a twat and ignored point #1, then redeem yourself by putting the following into your tenancy agreement:
1.1: I don’t want to hear excuses. You will not give me any. Ever.
1.2: I am running a business, not a charity shop.
3. Reserve your precious energy; don’t waste your time making quarterly inspections. All problems can be settled after your tenant has moved out with the security deposit and...
...a baseball bat.
4. There should never be any immediate rush into making repairs. You’re already giving your tenant a place to stay. If you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have everything you need, nothing else really matters.
5. How often do properties actually burn down or randomly topple over? Never!! So Building insurance is pointless. Kind of like that guy from Wham. Not George Michael, the other one that did nothing. You remember him?
6. When a tenant calls, it’s NEVER good news. If you want to spend all your valuable spare time ignoring their incessant RING-RING, RING-RING that's your problem. Personally we suggest you NEVER EVER give out any telephone numbers to these people! An internet address it quite sufficient for their needs.
7. If rent is 24 hours late, hand out both Section 8 and Section 21 like candy. Most tenants are clueless, they’ll be scared and most likely cough up the dough.
8. Reference checks are as reliable as a chocolate teapot and as useful as an ashtray on a bike so don't waste time with them.
9. Giving tenancy to someone with a bigger physical presence than yourself is potential suicide. We only recruit scrawny nerds or elderly women so we can lay the smack down on them if they cross the line. Physical violence and threatening antics are always reliable tools if you want to walk down the road to victory.
10. Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around. You’re THE LANDLORD so overshadow your tenant with your menacing authority.
11. Replacing the locks is like having abortions- the best form of pest control.
12. If you like chavs and spongers and want to support their cause, then declare your earnings to the snake-oil taxman. Otherwise, be a man and keep all the moolah tucked away under your mattress.
13. Don’t bother using a Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme. Use the money for a long deserved holiday, or something else worthwhile, like a wicked Pioneer basebox for the boot of your new motor.
14. At the end of a tenancy, pick up on every motherfooking glitch like a hawk so you can hold back some, if not all, of the deposit. If you look hard enough, you’ll find enough damage to never have to part with any of it.
15. Don’t be scared to dish out Notice Of Rent Increase Forms, especially to long term tenants that are reliable and in their ultimate comfort zone. They’ll most likely pay the new shiney rate since they’re now nicely settled in.
16. Following on from point 15, capitalizing on profit should be the bread and butter aim for all landlords (See Point 2 above).
17. ALWAYS assume the tenant is completely oblivious to their rights, because that’s usually the case, and you’ll save a bundle of cash. With that in mind, forget about Gas Safety Certificates, Energy Performance Certificates, and the like - they're all extra expenses you can well do without.
18. DSS tenants are the holy grail of tenants. Embrace them like newly born children embrace the nipples of their mothers’.
19. You’re paying the mortgage so you’re keeping the rain off your tenant’s head, never forget that. You owe them nothing. They owe YOU!
20. The property your tenant is in is YOURS, not theirs. You can enter and leave it as you please.
21. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
