Lord Noel on To Be or Not To Bee

Whatho! Pepys...

This explains everything!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Preventing Potential Psychos

Whatho! Pepys...

A recently leaked Government report on Higher Education

states that Ministers believe all Students who get kicked out of Psychology classes 

for bad behaviour such as damaging books and equipment

should be sent to a

Jung Offenders Institute.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Egged On

Whatho! Pepys....

Dear Diary....

I have become increasingly disturbed by Jungo, my Eastern European Male order friend's behaviour.

Yesterday I caught him in the bath balancing one of my lovely chickens on his head.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had that bathroom cctv fitted!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Matters of National Security

Whatto! Pepys...

Those of you who know of my Important Role within the Foreign Office...

...working tirelessly under the watchful eye of Our Glorious Government...

..in whom we trust so much...

...will be reassured to know that good old fashioned grit and ingenuity can rise to the surface...

...even through Government cut backs...

...AND show some very positive results too!

As inventive, practical and above all CHEAP solutions are being found 

to foil the ever-present threat of Terrorism.

In my latest hush-hush visit to a Secret Government Establishment...

...somewhere off the A128...

I was honoured to be allowed to witness for myself the kind of British resourcefulness...

...which makes us the envy of the World.

The Operative below is using the brand new 'Personal Privacy Module'...

...each individually constructed using only knitting needles...

...by volunteers from Great Britain's Womens Institute.

These are skillfully designed...

...to prevent any Terrorists in the immediate vicinity reading any Secret reports you may have to type.

This particular report is entitled 'RfgfkjyggkyjJkjg' as the Operative cannot touch-type

The beauty of this Module is that it can be quickly upgraded to 

Level 2

in the event of 'Mild Panic' 

otherwise known as 'increased threat perception'

This Operatives hands will also remain warm thereby reducing office heating costs

Operatives are also given 'Personal issue' Miners helmets for use in the unlikely event of 

Level 3

...otherwise known as 'Headless Chicken Condition'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Leaping to Conclusions

Whatto! Pepys...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says 'Don't Become a Statistic! One in Five People Do!"

Whatto! Pepys...

This happened to me! And it could EASILY happen to you too!

Make sure you don't become the latest victim 

of a growing trend amongst Criminal Masterminds 

known as 'horse identity theft'. 

It works like this...
Someone phones you up 

claiming to be calling from your Bank 

then during the conversation 

they begin to neigh repeatedly

My advice is 

hang up immediately.

Why the long face?

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Travel Map

Whatto! Pepys...

Whenever I travel abroad I find this map particularly useful

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Here to Help

Whatto! Pepys...

I recently received this pleading letter from a despairing Parishioner

"Dear Lord Noel..... I have recently begun to display 

what I can only describe as unusual behaviour. 

It all began when my car finally bit the dust

and I had to resort to that abomination 

commonly referred to as 'Public Transport'

I was fine to begin with....

...then I found myself shouting out places of interest 

as the bus was in motion 

such as "On your left you will see the local abattoir...

...and on your right is the end of a queue 

which begins in our local Post Office..."

but just recently it has progressed still further...

....and I now find myself running to the doors whenever they open 

and shouting "Right! Everyone please get back on the bus!"

I hope you can help me resolve this 

unusual and embarrassing condition

Yours faithfully

Melvyn Bragg"

Well Melvyn

I am pleased to tell you that your condition

is not as unusual as you may have first thought

and after referring to my googleous mountain 

of internally remembered Medical Reference material

I have concluded that you are suffering from...

(drumroll)

Tour Reps Syndrome!

(I'll keep taking the tablets)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord noel

Lord Noel on Marketing

Whatto! Pepys...

In this modern age of communication and advertising...

...I tend to think that the old Marketing lark is very over rated.

When I heard recently that the Global giant Kentucky Fried Chicken 

were considering a 'rebranding' with a new 'strap line' to replace

"It's finger licking good!"

I immediately wrote to them with my latest idea

which I have offered to them completely FREE!

As yet...I haven't heard from them...

... but for what it's worth...

...I think I can safely say this will be their new catch phrase for 2012

(Remember you heard it here first)

"KFC - The only thing missing is U!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Currys Favour

Whatto! Peeps...

Last night Lady Jacqueline and I 

went to our local curry house

for what was billed as a 'fantasy theme night'. 

Together we looked excitedly through the Menu and

finally chose the deliciously named..
 'CS Lewis meal'. 

It's like the regular curry

...only naanier.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes Wacko

What ho! Pepys...

I've finally found this conclusive proof
which clearly shows that Michael Jackson didn't create the dance for Thriller!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Bearing Bad News

Whatto! Pepys...

An Artists Impression of the Local Man (not to scale)

I have the unpleasant duty to inform you

that a local man aged 34 years has died suddenly at his home.

Neville Bumstrangler died after spending two months 

holed up in his spare room on his computer

compiling an enormous spreadsheet.

After a thorough investigation

Local Police say they are happy that no-one else was involved 

They think that

Neville may have just Excelled himself

 Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Leaves a Bad Impression

Whatto! Pepys...

Mike Yarwood doing a brilliant impression of Obama Binladen (the bins are just out of shot)

Those of you who know me

will know that I have longed for recognition

amongst Celebrities of old

who became famous for having real talent.

A talent much greater than just entering some 'Big Brother House'

and sitting around on a sofa for weeks whinging.

I'm talking about people with real skills

Like Mike Yarwood!

In my time I believed I was capable of doing

an impression of Eric Morecambe

which, at the time I genuinely believed was good

but now I've seen the error of my waheys!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Meat

Whatto! Pepys...

I love trying out restaurants with my lovely Lady wife

so I was pleased to visit a newly opened Steak House

and order a sirloin - medium rare.

The waiter arrived with my meal and said 

"Lord Noel - here's your steak, Sir - like a paving slab made of meat!"

Now THAT's what I call "service with a simile."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Takes Another Cheap Shot At The Christians

Whatto! Peeps...

Raymond goes to America (Artists Impression - Not to scale)

If my research serves me well

(and it usually does)

the older brother of Jesus of Nazareth was named Raymond.

And as with so many younger siblings

the attention lavished on his younger, more talented brother 

must have made it awful growing up in that household.

It's hardly surprising that one day, over lunch

Raymond suddenly blurted out "Maybe I can’t walk on water, 

but I can dance on Lager!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noels New Friend

What ho! Pepys...

Meet 'Jungo' my brand new male order friend from Eastern Europe!

He ran away with the Circus to become part of our 'Wonderful British Democracy!'

I first met him when he came around to borrow some sugar...

...and an axe.

I took this photo at the time because, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it,

I knew there was something very different about him...
something that separated him from all other men...

He has promised to let me have some of his secret manure based hair conditioner
(a secret recipe that he created himself!)

This is wonderful news as I have terrible trouble with my hair constantly standing up whenever it gets wet...

Ayeza Wabbit!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks It's Pasta Joke

Whatto! Pepys...

Everyone around here goes on about Mr Cowell ...

...not just because he manages to flood the musical world with an endless stream of 'sound and look the same' non-entities on Autotune but because he also produces...
... lousy Pizza Pasta!

That's something I can NEVER forgive him for!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel As Smooth As Ever

Whatho! Pepys...

I now have several pet silk worms

and today I am organising 

for four of them to have a race...

...I'm hoping it's going to end up in a tie.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on King Lions

Whatho! Pepys...

At any given moment of the day or night 

the sudden compulsion that grips me to sing 

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

is only a whim away.

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Looks On

What ho! Pepys...

Amazing aren't they?

If you like these there's more here:

http://erdalinci.tumblr.com/

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel