Lord Noel's New Diet

What ho! Pepys...

 

Rather than try to resist the ongoing trend developing in the UK right now, I have decided instead to incorporate horse meat into each of my daily meals. It certainly hasn't had any side effects on me. In fact my fence jumping has improved dramatically and many people in the village have commented on how lovely my fetlocks have become. I need to take this diet to the next level by totally giving up vegetables. It should be a lot easier now I've got this vegetable patch.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Visits The Zoo

What ho! Pepys...

 

Are you a Zoophile? Well you should be ashamed of yourself! Today there was a serious incident at our local zoo. One animal was shot and a cage was also set on fire. Police say the culprit has been apprehended after they found a smoking Gnu

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Knocks 'em Dead

What ho! Pepys...

You are no doubt very aware of my numerous and notorious skills as a guest speaker. So I was very pleased when I was one again invited to deliver one of my recitals at this year's National Necrophiliacs Conference. Normally I find events like this dead boring but I was able to inject some of my unique humour into my presentation and despite corpsing a few times I think it was appreciated by all and sundry. It was all going very well indeed - until I made a complete faux pas by suggesting that we all have a breather.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reaches Out

Whatto! Pepys.....

As Lady Jacqueline and I had an 'extra special' occasion coming up I went into a pharmacy and asked to see the male pharmacist. 
He came out and I, looking around furtively, asked quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?" 
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." 
I then said, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" 
The pharmacist looked at me for a moment and then said, "You might....
....if you took several pills at once." 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Crystal Balls

Whatto! Pepys...

Due to my recent increased Psychic activity

I headed down to our local Tarot reading centre for work.
That's the beauty of being Psychic...
...knowing where to apply for work without having to be told.

I was led down a dimly lit corridor to the secluded Reiki room for my interview 

where a woman in a floor length cloak spoke to me in a slow soft voice.

"Lord Noel - How nice to see you again! How can I help you today?"

I said "Well, I'd like to apply for a position of Psychic here at the centre." 

"Yes Okay." She smiled wickedly...

..."Tell me, where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dating Tip Number 48

Whatto! Pepys...

Today I give the benefit of my tactful and worldly advice 

to single men everywhere.
Are you a man who admits you are 'not very good with women'?

Well Chaps...If you're finding it hard to get any ladies you meet 

to 'sleep over' at your place

you can increase your chances substantially 

by simply dating homeless women!

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Negotiator Extraordinaire

Whatto! Pepys...

During my latest confrontational meeting with 'officialdom personified' I could sense a growing tension in the air between us.

I knew that everything that happened from this point onwards 

would hinge entirely on what I said next...

and that if I was to achieve the best outcome...

...I would have to call on ALL my skills

as a World reknowned Negotiator.

So, with that in the forefront of my mind

I skillfully ventured the following phrase which normally defuses any situation "I genuinely believe it's imperative 

that we immediately source a collaborative solution going forward". 

To which he replied 

"Look mate - either pay up, or get off the f*cking bus!".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Works On His Tan

Whatto! Pepys...

Isn't Technology brilliant?

What will they think of next?

I went swimming at my Health Spa yesterday... 

...and without telling any of us Members...

...they've only gone and put that chemical in the water...

...that turns the water brown...

...if you do a sneaky poo.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Originalitiness

Whatto! Pepys...

As you can see - 'My Story' is finally available throughout the free-thinking world and making it's way up the Best Sellers list.
When I was a lot younger than I am now...

I often used to often take credit for other people's writings. 

That was mainly because...

...I ran a bookshop in a poor neighbourhood.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Social Commentator

Whatto! Pepys...

Despite my eternal optimism...

I still believe there is much wrong with Society...

and I know I am not alone in thinking this.

The latest round of Government cuts and feeble Bank fines has proved that we simply cannot trust those in power to look after anyone but themselves.

So I emplore anyone with any sense to stop for a moment...

...and seriously take time to rethink the whole thing!

History has at last proved to me 

that neither Capitalism nor Communism works...

... so maye it's time to try 

Alcoholism!

Cheers! & Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Artistic

Whatto! Pepys...

I was thrown out of the body painting tent at our local Fair

for "Putting too much into my work!"

So - from now on - I'm going to concentrate on just painting myself.

But of course, being Lord Noel...

...I wanted to do something really 'Special'....

...so I have now devised a really cunning plan. 

I'm going to dye my testicles! 

- it's diabolical!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Message

Whatto! Pepys...

 

We can all change the world.
It is simple.
We can begin today, now, by simply considering and acting wherever we can.
If... we plant fruit trees, there will be free fruit for people and increasing oxygen levels. 

The ecosystem will flourish.
If… we grow edible gardens instead of monoculture grass, especially in cities and towns. Many parks will have edible gardens as leisure zones. 

People will interact more with the Earth and each other. Friendship will blossom.
If… we begin to share our resources, really share. Invite others to share shopping trips, create food co-ops, gardens, allotments, share fuel…
Don’t be frightened to share…our existence on Earth is not a competition.
If…we nurture compassion and kindness then all abundance and contentment will follow.
If…we stop blaming our parents and society for all that is not right in our world and instead, take the problems, one by one and try to address them - then we will make progress.
Blame changes nothing.
If…we realise that destiny is about choice, and that each choice generates an energy and how we direct that energy creates the consequences we then live with.
We are all sacred souls on a journey. 

Your journey. 

Your choice to change the world you inhabit it for the better.
If…we understand the power within us and how we speak that power we also understand that words are powerful…uplift others with your words today…and good energy will return to you.

I read this powerful message here and I can feel the energy growing inside me already!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Odd Jobs

Whatto! Pepys...

Today I overheard a rude and very brusque chap shouting in town...

....and it reminded me of a job I walked out of many years ago...

...after my boss told me to "Lighten the fuck up!"

I was young and impulsive then....

...and I realised later that his comment was fair enough.

After all - I was the electrician on a porn set.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Dance

Whatto! Pepys...

I don't enjoy dance shows like 'Strictly Come Dancing' and the like...

...and I couldn't sit through a whole performance of River Dance either.

It's simply because I can't stand to watch tap dancing - it drives me crazy.

I imagine you'd feel the same...

...if you too could understand Morse Code.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - It's Definitely Me!

Whatto! Pepys...

How many times..

..have you heard the phrase "It's not you - it's me!"...

...and felt your heart sink?

(Obviously I've never heard it)

But yesterday I overheard two people saying to each other "It's not you - it's me!"...

...and I actually felt happy for them!

Because it was just the twins 

- trying to sort out their holiday photos!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Business Opportunity of The Day

Whatto! Pepys....

The Patent has finally run out for Lego Bricks!

Now they can be copied by anyone...

... but the Lego name remains copyright.

I just know this chance is going to be exploited by someone who becomes very rich indeed...

...and I'll bet whoever it is - they're Chinese

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Technological Hiccups

What ho! Pepys...

Decent, fully clothed Gentlemen relaxing at home

Randolph's new 'Home Bar' left a lot to be desired

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Superstitious

What ho! Pepys...

I'm not normally superstitious but I consider it to be very bad luck when a black cat beats you up and steals your wallet.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Saves You Money

What ho! Pepys...

After all the expense of Xmas you'll no doubt be looking for ways to economise.

Well here goes with today's money-saving tip! 

Local swimming pools can be too expensive to visit. So instead of squandering perfectly good money on a trip to you local LIDO why not simply wee into a lukewarm bath and ask a bored teenage boy to sit on a barstool and watch you?

You're welcome!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps Out

What ho! Pepys...

Tomorrow night is the last day of the Calendar year.
My good Lady wife and I shall be frequenting our local Taverna where they will be providing some top notch talent to see in the New Year to.
You too may be hitting the tiles to Celebrate with some friends.
Wouldn't it be awful if some ugly person started hitting on you whilst you were trying to enjoy yourself?
Wouldn't it be great if you only had some devastating one-liners to totally destroy that person so you could get on with enjoying your night in peace?
Well now you can!
Here are a collection of one-liners which will have you Partying with your friends - unencumbered by any drunken letch that may take a shine to you!

Lord Noel's New Years Eve Put Downs

It's been lovely talking to you but why don't you go down to the library now and brush up on your ignorance?


I know you must have seen me and thought I was too good for you but you obviously changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You seem to me like someone who has an inferiority complex -- and for once it's fully justified.

Having met you - you're not as bad as people say -- you are far worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison your drink.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Who am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What was your name again?

Why not take a vacation? ...go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are certainly as strong as an ox but not quite as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

You're beginning to grow on me -- like a wart!

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You seem like someone who's down to earth, just not quite far down enough.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

I can see you're nobody's fool, but maybe one day someone will adopt you.

You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I would like the pleasure of your company, but so far I'm only getting displeasure.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

If you ever taxed your brain, it wouldn't cost you anything.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

What's the latest dope -- besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a blur.

You clearly don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for some dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

I really admire you. Personally I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You have a face only a mother could love -- to spank!

They say opposites attract. So I hope one day you'll meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel