Lord Noel On Letters To Santa

Whatto! .............

Just to remind everyone.............

......there aren't many 'Santa Letter-Writing Days' left!


Everyone knows Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.............


So letters sent to the roly-poly icon always find their way to the small town of 'North Pole' ..........deep in Alaska's interior, including those simply addressed to 'Santa'..............


Last year 120 000 letters arrived from 26 countries, not counting the thousands with no return address.............

Letters trickle in all year round to the town of 1600 people, where light poles are curved and striped like candy canes and streets have names like Santa Claus Lane and Kris Kringle Drive..........


Even stamp-less letters get through!

"They are special because they have Santa's name on them!" say the volunteers.............. "It's what makes Christmas magical for children!"................


"We try to keep the big guy mystical, so we sign off as Santa's elves and helpers," they add..............

"Anyone can be an elf!"................



"The children ask for toys and gizmos............... but some ask for miracles.................


..............orphans wanting their mother back for Christmas or a father back from Iraq, even though he died there"..................

"Children having been writing to Santa for many years now............"



"Many letter writers point out how good they have been.............. and some enclose money to cover postage"............

One year they received an anonymous letter with a Michigan postmark and no postage stamp. It was addressed to 'Santa Claus' and had no return address either on the envelope or the letter. Inside was a thousand-dollar money order and an anonymous note that said: "If you are who you say you are, you'll put this to good use!".........................

Volunteers bought postage stamps for the effort................

"I believe Santa Claus has qualities that represent the good in everybody, and people reach out to that"...................


Ideally, parents and other adults write their own Santa replies, put them in a stamped, self-addressed envelope and tuck them into a larger envelope addressed to the Fairbanks post office. Either way, replies get a North Pole postal cancellation mark, complete with a half-moon drawing of Santa's face!.....................



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Knows That's The Wonder of Christmas.....

Whatto! Everyone................

Tis the season to be Jolly I understand................

Try telling that to the current employees of Good Old Woolworths!



It's death knell was sounded today as administrators confirmed all its stores would close by January 5, at the likely cost of 27,000 jobs.......................
Woolworths, which has been a feature of Britain's high streets for almost a century, will begin shutting its doors on December 27.............
'Deloitte' the corporate 'recovery' firm confirmed the closures after failing to find a buyer for the business................

But there is SOME good news after all!...................
Stores are set to be flooded with 50 million extra items over the next week in the run-up to Christmas!............ AND Discounts already running at up to 60% will be even heavier as Deloitte looks to clear stock!..............

So grab yourself a Xmas Bargain!...........while you can..............

Tallyho!

best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says Ho! Ho! Holy Shit!

Whatto! Festive types................

Santas life is certainly an exciting one...............

..........as this report from Brazil illustrates..............

"As the violent Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro celebrates the Christmas season drug traffickers in a Rio slum opened fire on a helicopter carrying a Santa to a children's party, apparently mistaking it for a police helicopter, police said on Tuesday.................

"They thought it was a police operation and started shooting. Luckily, nobody was hurt," a police official said...............

The helicopter had to return to its base after the attack. Two bullet holes were found in its fuselage...............

Police said the pilot, contracted to take an actor dressed as Santa to the party in the Nova Mare slum, was flying over the neighbouring Vila Joao shantytown when it was fired upon on Sunday.......

Santa later returned to Nova Mare by car to distribute Christmas presents. Most of Rio's 700-plus slums are controlled by drug traffickers and are not regularly patrolled by police, who instead go into the slums in military-style raids, often using helicopters and armoured vehicles......"

Tallyho! Santa!

best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes He! He! He!

What-ho! Santas............

I was interested to read in the Daily Telegraph that in Sydney, Australia the Santas have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "Ho! Ho! Ho!" greeting because....................

..........wait for it...................

............it may be offensive to women!

Oh Yes!.................

Believe it or not Sydney's Santa Clauses have been instructed instead to say "Ha! Ha! Ha!"............

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper that a recruitment firm warned him not to use "Ho! Ho! Ho!" because it could frighten children!....................

......and was too close to the word "Ho" (an American slang term for a prostitute).......

A local spokesperson for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said..............

"It is 'misleading' to say the company has banned Santa's traditional greeting but it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself as to whether or not to use it."..............

What!? Christmas without prostitutes!?........................that just isn't Xmas!!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Visits Winter Blunderland

Whatto! Lapland Lovers.............

Xmas often seems to me to be rather twee........

So I was heartened by an article I found relating to a "new & exciting" Xmas attraction that promised to be "Britain's Lapland"!....................

The tickets cast £30 each and they promise..............

"A Magical Festive experience including..........

...... a winter wonderland!....

......full of reindeer!.....

....with log cabins!.....

.......a skating rink!........

...... and a 'Magical' Tunnel of Light!"...................


But sadly....the reality was far less appealing.............

Hapless visitors stood in awe as they witnessed....................

'a muddy field!'..................

'some huskies!............. (in the muddy field)'............

'shabby garden sheds!'.....................

'a broken ice skating rink!'.....................

'and some paving stones set between two rows of tatty-looking Xmas trees with lights on!'


Needless to say.........alot of the visiting children were unhappy................

...........some burst into tears when then saw Santa having a 'crafty fag' behind a large board with the nativity scene painted on it...........


But many parents were angrier still!........

Having to queue for hours in a muddy field - which was described as 'A glorified car boot' - can't have been fun.................

But for one father.....(who was told he would now have to join a different queue in order for his child to receive a present)...........it all became too much!.................

He marched to the front of the queue.....

......determined to "See Santa immediately!"

When he finally reached Santa.................

..... he went straight up to him...............

and punched him squarely in the face!


A fracas then broke out in Santa's Grotto!............

...... which culminated in ugly scenes with one Elf being slapped around the face and two other elves violently assaulted!............

Security guards who were hired to protect 'Santa and his elves' were also attacked by angry parents!

The following day the gates were locked. And any families arriving at the attraction were met by a woman shouting "Santa's dead!"........


How ever are they going to 'top' that next year?


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks - Nightcap Anyone?

Whatto Revellers.

I was in a bar the other night when a drunk stumbled in through the front door....................

He called out his order for a drink.............

"I'll have a whiskey!"............

but thankfully the barman just said to him "Sorry Sir! You're too drunk!"

The drunk stumbled out into the night but a few minutes later returned.................

and again he slurred "Please....... just gimme a drink!".....................

The Barman replied patiently "No Sir I can't serve you..... you're too drunk!"

Again the drunk stumbled away into the night...............

and I was sure that would be the last I'd see of him.................

....but just five minutes later the same chap fell through the door once again...............

attempting to slur his order for that 'longed for' drink...................

This time the Barman just called out to him "You're too drunk Sir! Go HOME!"

The drunk swayed on the spot for a moment...............

scratched his head...................

......... and said "Well I suppose I must be................

.....the last two places said exactly the same thing!"

Tallyho!

best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Iconic Bedroom Posters

What ho! Everyone.................
I was chatting to a couple the other day and the subject matter got around to 'teenage years'...........
He mentioned having a certain poster on the wall of his bedroom...............
.....and his wife said that her brother had the same one on his!
Thus began my quest for 'Iconic Bedroom Posters'................
Here's my final mixture..............
I've chosen from various eras to satisfy most ages....................
I wonder how many of these you recognise fondly .................
......from the many hours incarcerated in your room as a teenager!?
I've given the names further below.....................

And the names are:

Lucille Ball (Long running comedienne)
Marlene Deitrich (sultry german actress)

Linda Lusardi (Sun Page 3 fame)
Rachel Welch (being gloriously primitive here)
Marilyn (who else) Monroe
Linda Carter (aka Wonder Woman)
Linda Lusardi again (and why not?)
Farrah Fawcett-Majors (First Baywatch star & wife of '$million Man')
Brigit Bardot (First Sex Kitten - French........ naturally)

Debbie Harry (Blondie)
Elizabeth Taylor (Long before marriage took it's toll)
Marlene Deitrich (In an era where a ciggy was a sophisticated prop)
Pamela Anderson (Baywatch star 2 - also makes home movies)
Madonna (Became famous for having only one name and jumping around alot whilst singing!

.....it's bally difficult - I've tried it!)
Tennis Player (My own personal favourite!)

Did you have a bedroom with walls?

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Going Without

Whatto! Everyone.............

Jethro Tull bemoans the poor sales of his latest Album

I was in town the other day and I saw this chap who was a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless type............
......and he asked me for some money!
Naturally I am more than happy to contribute to any worthy cause................
.....so I took out my wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked him.................
"If I give you this money, will you buy alcohol with it instead of dinner?"
"No!" he said "I had to stop drinking years ago,"
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Alright" I said "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?"
"Sex is something I only dream about these days!" said the homeless man.
"Well, in that case" I said................
"I'm not going to give you the money after all.....................
Instead...... I'm going to take you home for a splendid dinner.................
......cooked for you by my wife Lady Jacqueline!"
The homeless man was naturally astounded............
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" He asked................
"I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting!"
"That's perfectly okay!" I replied..................
"I want her to see what a man looks like.......................
..........after he gives up alcohol, golf, and sex!"

Tallyho!
best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Rubbish Joke

Whatto! Waste disposers...............

Andy Tierney of Hinckley, Leicestershire was recently issued the fixed penalty notice for littering.....................
"Good Show!" I'd normally say at this point - as I detest any kind of littering............
but this situation called for further investigation..............
Hinckley and Bosworth Council accused him of committing "an offence under Section 87 of the Environmental Protection Act 1990. Domestic refuse from your property was dumped into a street litter bin the fixed penalty is £50."
Apparently Andy was walking from his house to his car when his postman handed him two junk mail letters..................
He opened both letters as he strolled - then put them into a bin which had been conveniently placed by the roadside....................


Council officials traced him from the addresses on the envelopes and issued the penalty.........
Which begs the question........
......"Who actually bothers to read this discarded rubbish?"
Apparently the Council have 'Rubbish Placement Transgressor Inspectors' otherwise known as 'Neighbourhood Wardens' who carry out such sterling work........
"If we find a black bin bag in a litter bin, we will sift through the rubbish and attempt to identify who put it there," they said.......................
These "eyes and ears of the local community" are the individuals who espied Tierney putting some litter in a bin and quickly filed a report.
The average council tax charge in Hinckley and Bosworth is £1,242.97 a year and Council tax charges have risen by about 100% nationally over the past decade.
But this is a small price for such extraordinary vigilance and devotion to the cause!
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Monumental Decision

Whatto! Travellers................

Officials in the town of Soap Lake, Washington, were looking for a way to boost tourism to their fair community and they decided to think big............

Soap Lake resident Brent Blake said "People will come from all over the world to see this structure of awe and visitors will be thrilled to see such a wonder and will be rewarded by its scale, show of light.....................

.......... and constantly changing, oozing and flowing goo!"..............

Hmmmm!..............

"Constantly changing, oozing and flowing goo!"?..............

Not always universally appealing features to tourists................

Any ideas yet?.................

Well........let me put you out of your misery by telling you..................

They're going to erect........................

in the towns centre..............

to attract tourists................

a 50-foot-tall.....................


lava lamp!.....................

Groovy!...................

(or should I say 'Goooozey'?)

The Soap Lake Mayor (Wayne Hovde) said "The erection of the over-sized 1960s cultural icon and supporting tower have been delayed for years due to lack of approval from the lava lamp copyright owners Haggerty Enterprises, Inc........ but we remain confident........."

I wonder if Soap Lake have a 'forward planning' department?



Tallyho!



Best wishes - Lord Noel

School Days

Whatto Scholars................


I received news from a lady in town that her son had been very disagreeable recently........

Being a single mother she had fewer options than most...............

But she knew of my skillful negotiating abilities and my tremendous ability to empathise with others so she called on me to try to help in some way.............

When I arrived she brought me 'up to speed' with the current circumstances......

......telling me "Each morning, nice and early I go through to wake up my son Peter..........

Today for example I went through with a nice hot cup of tea............

and said to him "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!".............

But he just lies there and says "Why Mum?.......... I don't want to go!" "

Without hesitating I said "Let me speak to him!"

.......and we went upstairs with to speak to him...............

I came straight to the point...........

......saying "Peter! Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school!?"

He lay there thinking for a moment and then said "Well, for one thing - the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me, too!"

I paused, empathising with his dilemma for a moment, but decided to press on....saying "Well I don't think those are good enough reasons not to go to school. So come on and get ready!"

He just lay there............ defiantly...........

...... then he shouted "No! YOU give me two reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

I thought for a moment and realised that he was leaving me no option but to give it to him STRAIGHT!.....................

"Well, for one..................." I said

".....you're 52 years old!...............

And for another.......................

.....you're the Headmaster!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Speeding Problems

Whatto! Motorists............

I was recently at a meeting of the local parish council........................

and the question came up - yet again - about "What to do about Cars Speeding in Villages?"......

It seems to be a perenial problem that will not go away.................

The local council can't afford to install a speed camera....................

so - reasonably enough - they put up a sign saying "Please Slow Down!"..........

But that didn't work either!

Some enterprising individuals tried a sign which said "Slow Down! Old People's Home!"...........

- It had no effect!.................

They have even tried to play on the paternal instincts of motorists and put up a sign saying "Danger - Children at Play!"....................

But still no discernable reduction in traffic speed!.................

Then I suggested to the chairman that we needed to be a little more creative in our thinking and I put forward MY idea for a sign which - to their credit - they tried out!...............


......probably more out of desperation than anything else...................

BUT IT WORKED!!!............

Every vehicle now simply CRAWLS through our lovely little village at a snails pace!!.....

The only problem is that it does seem to have increased traffic too!............

The SIGN?.....................

It simply says.............



.............."Nudist Colony"!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Three Roses

Whatto! Wobbly ones...................
A good friend of ours recently underwent cosmetic surgery.......................
'Nothing too unusual about that' I hear you say...............
"True!" I immediately respond.................
"But this was to a very sensitive part of her anotomy!"..............
Because our friend is still a sexually active woman she told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her 'lower' lips reduced in size......................
She insisted on complete discretion and the surgeon naturally agreed..................
That was why she was so surprised when she woke up after the 'op' to find three roses carefully placed beside her on her bed...................
She said that she felt shocked and upset and immediately called in the doctor for an explanation.............
When he arrived she said 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!?'
The surgeon told her "I assure you that there has been complete confidentiality at all times.......
just as you requested!.......................that first rose was from me!.................
.............I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself......
The second rose is from my nurse............

She assisted me in the surgery and empathised completely because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
Our friend regained her composure somewhat on hearing this news........ 'And what about the third rose ?' she asked...............
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit' said the Doctor................
'He wanted to thank you.............................
..............for his new ears.'
Tallyho!
Best Wishes -Lord Noel

Evening Classes for Men - Week Two

Whatto! Men................
Due to the popularity of the previous course for men..............
a second week has been added..............
if you're interested in attending the details are below................


Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
1) BELONGING Group discussion on empty milk cartons - " Do they belong in the fridge - or the bin?"
2) HEALTH WATCH PowerPoint Presentation on "Does it really harm you to bring flowers for your wife?"
3) DIRECTIONS Real life testimonial from a man who asked for them! - (Emotional! please bring tissues!)
4) PERFECT PASSENGER Driving simulation where men are required to sit and try to say nothing whilst a woman parks a car - (Warning! some participants may find this exercise too difficult!)
5) LIVING WITH ADULTS role plays exploring the differences between a 'wife' and a 'mother'
6) SURVIVING SHOPPING Vital Relaxation exercises including breathing techniques and advice on "How to give realistic sounding compliments over long periods about clothing"
7) DATES Bring your calendar or PDA to class as we explore "Remember! - your life may depend on it"
8) DEAL WITH IT Individual counsellors discuss "How to live with being wrong ALL the time"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Getting it orf your chest!

Whatto! Wobbly ones....................
Rachel Kitayama-Moore of Takapuna, New Zealand now has up to 3,000 bras!.....................
..............and she's looking for more!!..........................
A Rotarian, Rachel has been collecting, washing and drying pre-used bras from around New Zealand as part of 'Operation Pacific Uplift' to send to Vanuatu, Fiji, Tonga and Papua New Guinea where many women cannot afford them.................
"Some women live without a bra because secondhand ones are rare in larger sizes and a new bra can cost up to 30 hours’ wages" says Rachel........................
"Sports bras for farm work and maternity bras are in particularly high demand"...........
she told reporters "Colleagues sidle up to me with a bag and say 'don’t judge me by my underwear'. I really got to know my friends very intimately!"......................
So come on Ladies!...............

............Orf with your bras!.......

.......It's for a very worthwhile cause!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Madonna

Whatto! Star Gazers.........................
When I heard that Madonna was getting divorced..............

I couldn't help but cast my mind back.............

............ to the time when it was all so much happier for them both..................

I remember quite clearly when Madonna first moved to England.................

She seemed as though she really wanted to change her 'lifestyle'.........................

she even said she wanted to feel "more English"......................

Now...........................

She is an unmarried, single mother.......................

............... with three children from different fathers................

.......... one of them black.

You can't get much more British than that!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Just Three Words.....

Whatto! Worldly wise.................
Lady Jacqueline was sitting in a bar enjoying a cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man walked in..............
Apparently he was so striking that the women could not take their eyes off him.............
The young man obviously noticed their overly attentive stares & walked directly toward them...........
Before they could say anything to him the young man said this...................
"I'll do anything..............
........... absolutely anything that you want me to do............
............ no matter how kinky.............
for £20................. on one condition!'
Flabbergasted, they asked him what the 'condition' was.
He replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
Caught by surprise............. my wife's friends just giggled at the sheer nerve of the chap.........
But Lady Jacqueline considered his proposition for a moment.................
...........then withdrew from her purse a crisp £20 note............
........which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.................
She looked deeply into his eyes & said...................
........slowly and meaningfully.................
......... "Clean my house!"
Tallyho!
best Wishes - Lord Noel

Brandy

Last night we had a visit from some lovely people............. we've been looking forward to seeing for some time............

They brought with them a nice big bottle of 'Three Barrels' brandy.............

I'm not sure where that rates on the scale of 'World's best Brandys'...............

But after not having drunk any brandy for a month..............

...YES! IT'S TRUE................. A MONTH!!!!!

.................it certainly tasted delicious!

This morning....

I find that words alone.......

cannot describe exactly how I feel.............

.....so I have chosen to use ART............

.......... to convey that subtle feeling to you all...........

.........I feel a bit like this.......................

You have to stare at each of these images to get the full effect..............!

........with alot of this mixed in with it...............................

...............together with a splash of this....................

............and topped up with some of this.................

This one works when you look at it from below!...............

Try it!................

Go on!.............

All I am saying is.................Give this Piece a chance!!!!..........

........It's actually quite nice!.............

But eventually.............

I will.............

............sober up!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Epitaphs

Whatto! Ponderers................

I happened to be down to Local the other night...............

Quaffing and imbibing the local brew in a very enjoyable way..............

.............with two very dear friends...............

...............and somehow............whilst we were talking together.............

the conversation got around to Epitaphs..............

One of them said "If you died......

......and were laid out for everyone to pay their last respects to............

.....and all your friends and relatives filed slowly by you..............

.......what would you like to hear them say about you?

He added "I'd like to hear them say...........

...........'he was the best teacher I knew..........
.......... and a wonderful father'!"

My other friend said "I'd like to here them say................

.............. 'he was an extremely talented sportsman..............
........... and an amazing husband'!"

Now it was my turn...................

I thought for a second.............

.....took a sip of my beer..............

.......and said "I'd like to hear them say............

....... 'He just moved!' "

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks It's Inhumane!

What ho! Law Abiders.............

FORT LUPTON in Colorado is apparently the new home of "Cruel and Unusual Punishment".........

For that is where Judge Paul Sacco works................

and he is punishing 'noise polluters'...................

by forcing them.................

to listen to................

wait for it..............

..............BARRY MANILOW!!!

Judge Sacco claims his method of making offenders sit in a room and listen to music they don't like for one hour has seen a massive drop in the number of repeat offenders in the small town....................

Judge Sacco says "These people should have to listen to music THEY don't like!"

The MONSTER!.............

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel