Lord Noel Enjoys Perfect Symmetry

Whatto! Geometricians........

You will all no doubt be aware......

....that a Symmetrical shape is one that can have part of itself reflected and still look complete......

Well I view twins in a very similar way........

Just look at these sets of twins.......

....they are the very embodiment of the word......

......and how well they balance each other......

The only thing that can spoil this perfect symmetry......

....is the arrival of an ugly fulcrum.......

.....that prises itself between them......

.....an act that one has to constantly fight against.....

...unless one receives a formal invitation.

I have spoken before about twins.......

...and the difficulties that face anyone......

......trying to form a relationship with either..

..or both of them...

A relationship with twins is highly sought after......

That's why men are out right now.....

...scouring the streets .......

....for Cheryl Cole's.

But think how powerful and successful she might become.....

....if there were TWO of her?

Of course there may be a down side.......

....double the presence could also mean double the confidence......

.....and maybe even 'double the cockiness' .....

.....like having a little too much neck.

Twins needn't take up space either.....

...as these beautiful ladies prove.

Something you could NEVER say was true about The Jedward Twins......

....as they leap randomly about the stage........

...taking up as much space as possible.

But at least I can truely say that they have survived so far.....

....on raw...

...ability........

....(and gallons of hair gel)...

I'm not yet certain.....

....what that ability will turn out to be.....

.....but their overabundance of 'neck' has already lead to them being 'lined up'.........

....for a number of extremely lucrative TV Presenter roles......

......(to replace the over indulged Ant & Dec duo......

...who aren't really twins at all)

The only snag is......

....it will only 'become a reality'......

....if they fail to win X Factor......

.....and we all know that just isn't going to happen.

Tallyho!

I wonder whose twin I would you like to be?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Says - Hi there Sports Fans!

Whatto! Sporty Types......

I must confess to never having been that enthusiastic about sport.

My time at school reminds me of freezing to death on the rugger field.....

.....or being belted with hockey sticks on numb hands.

 

And the Summers were interminable hours.......

.....spent in cricket whites....

...growing old...

....waiting for something..

...ANYTHING....

.. to happen.....

....and then missing it because I'd blinked.

Football has never been something I'd EVER got excited over......

......it always seemed to be just a bunch of overpaid thickos running about.....

....trying to stop their gelled hair from being disturbed too much.

But now I do believe that's all going to change......

....because football (and in this instance I mean 'American Football')....

....has been taken to a whole new level.

Yes......

...in case you haven't heard....

....THIS is the FUTURE!

For this is......

'Lingerie Football'

Attractive, atheletic women......

...locked in mortal combat......

....with other attractive, athletic women......

...dressed in what I can only describe as....

....skimpy underclothing.....

....God knows what the final score was......

.....but I doubt he really cares.

Tallyho!

Have you ever improved a well known game simply by changing the clothing rules?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Firedontwork Night

Whatto! Guy Fawkes Revellers.....

I hope you all enjoyed your celebrations for Fireworks Night....

...because they could all too soon become.....

....a thing of the past.

As the organisers at last nights Ilfracombe rugby Club Firework 'spectacular' pointed out:

Lots of people celebrated Guy Fawkes night crowded around a VIRTUAL bonfire projected onto a giant screen tonight after health and safety killjoys forced them to scrap the real thing.

Officials at Ilfracombe Rugby Club haven't held a bonfire night for four years - after being put off by the mountain of paperwork and regulations set by council chiefs.

But this year they opted to show a FILM of the blaze instead to get round the strict rules surrounding the lighting of fires at public events.

Recorded images of a roaring real fire were projected onto a 16ft by 12ft screen mounted on a scaffolding stand - at a cost of £300.

Organisers even used giant heaters, lighting and a smoke machine to give the crowd the taste of a real bonfire night.

The sound of crackling wood was also broadcast on loudspeakers........

......and £2,500 of real fireworks were fired into the air...

...but don't worry.......

....the Council are looking into this.

For those of you who didn't manage to get out last night.....

....here's a box of 'Heath & Safety Approved' Fireworks.......

....for you to virtually enjoy.....

Tallyho!

In order to reduce 'hassle' - I will have to decide what real things to replace with a virtual substitute

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Says - The Choice Is Yours

Whatto! Twin lovers...

I have often admired the concept of 'Twinning'......

As a Local County Councillor I always enjoyed swanning orf to another part of the World......

....in order to meet and drink and eat with people in another Town.......

....with a vague resemblance to our own....

....ALL paid for by generous British tax payers!

Wallop!

It's nice to see similarities in things.....

...and FAR more healthy than focusing on our differences.

But one thing one must always retain.......

....is the ability to be able to distinguish between the two!

For without this ability......confusion will undoubtedly reign.

And one could end up going to live in completely the wrong Town.

That was why I was struck by an article in a Thai newspaper.....

...that dealt with the plight of one Thai gentleman......

.....and a problem that he had found difficulty with.....

DECISION MAKING!

It read: 

 Mr Wichai told the press that he had been best of friends with his neighbouring twins since they were children. “When I grew older, I would walk past their house each morning and try to decide for myself which one I fancied more, but it was darned impossible – I adored BOTH of them – I just couldn’t decide, which one of them to chat up….!”

He went on to say “For three continuous years all three of us would go on dates together, until there was one day when I couldn’t stand the frustration any longer and told them I love you and want to marry you BOTH”

The fortunate Mr Wichai, instead of getting a slap in the face, was overjoyed when both girls admitted to having sworn all along, that they wished to marry the same man! “It wasn’t easy at first, what with the neighbours gossiping, but our family sympathized, understood, and fully supported our mutual love for the one man” the twins said.

Mr Wichai arranged for his brides to live with him, in his family house after the wedding, and his mother has already proudly prepared TWO rooms for the newly-weds. 

After Mr Wichai (Tao), aged 24, from Samut Songkram province, who earns his living by dealing in old goods, got married to gorgeous twins Ms Sirintara and Ms Thipawan 22, he vouched his sincerest ‘equal love’ for both of them!

Mr Wichai, got married in pompous ceremony to both twins simultaneously. On being interviewed by the Thai Rath reporters, Mr Wichai declared wholeheartedly, that he didn’t see much problem in having to perform tiresome marital duties with two wives.

In the engagement ceremony before the wedding, Mr Wichai successfully offered a dowry of eight baht of gold and 80,000 baht EACH for his lovely darlings. Both families celebrated the marriage with joy and were said to be delighted for the threesome.

Our reporters were just gagging to hear the response to this mouth-watering question “And.... what are the sleeping arrangements Mr Wichai”? to which he replied modestly with a beaming smile “Absolutely no problems! For the first three nights of the week, I will sleep with Ms Thipawan and the next three will be spent with Ms Sirintara. As for every Saturday, the three of us will sleep together”

Ms Sirintara finally told the press “When my twin and I worked as assistant nurses, we promised each other that we would never leave each others side, and that our future husband would have to either take us both, or leave us”

“Anyway, Mr Wichai is the perfect man – he neither smokes nor drinks!”

Tallyho!

I wonder if I will ever have to marry a couple of beautiful twin sisters purely because I was completely unable to make decisions

(Lady J says "No!")

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Reaping The Benefits

Whatto! Pensioners.....

After retiring from The Foreign Office..........

.....I met up with a few old colleagues for a bit of a soiree......

.....and a chap who's now an MP advised me to go to the Social Security office in order to apply for a Benefit of some kind.......

"Well" I thought.......

..."If anyone knows anything about claiming expenses....

...it's got to be an MP!"

So I toddled orf down to my local Benefits office...

......where I was taken to a private office.....

....for 'processing'.

The woman behind the desk asked me several personal questions before asking for my driver's Licence "In order to verify my age".

I looked in my pockets and suddenly realised that I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

Then the woman blurted out, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

I thought I must have misheard her .....

....so I said "Excuse me?"

And she repeated herself.....

"Unbutton your Shirt!" she said...in a slightly louder voice.

Well.....being unsure of my exact legal position in such circumstances......

....and being alien to the whole concept of claiming from the State in this way......

.....I gingerly opened my shirt........

.....revealing a small tuft of my curly silver chest hair.

The lady then said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'.....

.....I smiled in quiet satisfaction......

....feeling glad that I had worn my 'Senior chest wig' on this particular occasion.... 

....and without further ado she completely processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my Lady wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'Well that certainly seems quite odd Dear.......

....but perhaps if you had dropped your trousers you might have qualified for disability benefit too.'

Blast! She doesn't miss a trick!

Tallyho!

Have you ever had to display some of your body hair in order to qualify for a monetary renumeration?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Different Planets

Whatto! Couples......

I have been advised that the sexual urges of men and women differ a great deal.

Apparently it's all to do with Venus and Mars.

Personally....I think that's all just balls.

I remember some years ago learning a valuable lesson from a girlfriend at the time.

She and I were getting into bed.

Well, inevitably the passion started to heat up, but she said, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she said the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I bally well went to sleep.

The very next day I decided to take the day orf to spend time with her.

We went out for a nice lunch together and then went shopping at a very expensive department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her "Let's just buy them all."

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Why not get a pair for each outfit?"

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... She was so excited!

And so was I!

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when unfortunately she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I just said 'That's fine, Lily.....Maybe you can learn to play now?'

I'd never actually seen her that excited before - with her clothes on.

Smiling excitedly with anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No Darling, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Darling! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

We didn't have sex that night either..

......but I knew that I was so much smarter than her......

...(until she started writing popular songs about me).

Tallyho!

Have you ever pretended to spend loads of money on an ungrateful person who then went on to become quite well known?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's GentleManz Klub

Whatto! Gentlemen.....

I was recently approached by a very good friend ..........

....who offered me a 'unique opportunity' to join a rather select Gentlemens Club.

He assured me that only a very 'select few' were invited to join in this way.

But there were rather stringent Rules that would apply.......

......if I decided to join.

I asked for a copy of the Rules.....

...and after a couple of days........

....they supplied me with the following:

1. Under no circumstances may two Chaps share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a Chap to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After writing orf an employers car.
(d) When a Lady is using her teeth. 

3. Any fellow who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 

4. If you've known a Chap for more than 24 hours, his sister is orf limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a Chap's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Chap. In fact, remembering another fellows birthday means you must help to celebrate it at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder, not the weakest, determines pit stops.  (Except when Prostate man is in attendance).

8. When stumbling upon other Chaps watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 

 9. You may strain one orf in front of a lady only after you have brought her to a climax. If you then trap her head under the duvet for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model........ and only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Chap in the nuts. 

 12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 

13. Chaps don't let other Chaps wear Speedos. Not Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a Chap's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 

 15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies.......... until they demonstrate knowledge of the game.......... and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must always remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both....... that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a lady to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone..... Hang up if necessary. 

 19. The morning after you and a lady who was formerly 'just a friend' have had carnal, drunken 'monkey relations'.......and you're feeling 'weird and guilty' is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about 'what a big mistake it was'.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive a lady's car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 

 21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the following colours: brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The lady who replies to the question "Darling! What would you like for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" ......gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation - End of story.

23. There is no reason for Chaps to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24. Never wear a 'man bag' in public.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the Chaps, being assaulted by your lady wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the Chaps smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your lady wife square on the posterior and having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!' 

Tallyho!

Have you ever been invited to join an extremely select club with numerous archaic rules that you sunsequently felt had compromised your personal values to the extent that you became mildly ashamed and developed a nervous rash?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

 

Lord Noel Reveals The Top Towns In The UK

Whatto! Consenting Adults.....

Tracy Cox is a British 'expert' and author......

....and she has created a Web site featuring a map of Britain. 

It shows:
- Britons spend a staggering £315 million each year on lingerie, adult toys and other gifts.
- Adults spend an average of £6.57 on their private lives every year - nearly 10 times more than the 69 pence per person British citizens spend on the Royal Family.

In one town the residents like to spend 15 times the national average on a product known as 'bondage gear'. 

"I’m not surprised at all that people are spending up big on these items given the current economic climate,” Ms. Cox told reporters. “If you can't afford to go out, there's only so much telly you can watch! It's a positive for relationships - it shows an openness and willingness to make an effort to try new things.”
The new Web site was developed by online retailer LoveHoney to uncover the nation’s personal shopping habits. Visitors to the site can search for their own UK town to see how much the people there spend on their private lives, and can compare their town with nearby rivals.
So here (in ascending order - measured by the National average spending figure) are.........

Britain’s Top Ten Sexy Spending Towns:

I'm not sexy - I've just got cramp

Number 10......is Bristol - (spending 3.1 times the National Average)

 

Number 9......is Cambridge - (with 3.2 times)

 

Number 8......is Lincoln - (3.2 times)

 

Number 7......is Bishop Auckland - (3.4x)

 

Number 6....... Reading - (3.4x)

 

Number 5...... Norwich - (3.7x)

 

Number 4...... Newtonwards - (4.9x)

 

Number 3...... Bangor (Country Down) - (5.7x)

Number 2...... Durham - (7.2x)

And this weeks NUMBER 1........

....with a massive spending spree of 10.8 times the National Average.......

Yes! It's ......Upminster!


And the least sexy town in the whole of the British Isles, in terms of spending on sex-related items is:  

Caledon in Northern Ireland. 

People there spend just a fifth of the national average on their sex lives. 

Tallyho!

Is your private life incredibly expensive as a result of your uncontrolable perversions? 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse