Lord Noel Reviews Swine Flu Face Masks

What ho! Health conscious........

With Swine flu sweeping the Earth.......
I thought I'd take some time out to research what flu masks are currently available to us all........
Mexicans are mainly choosing to use the simple 'mouth cover' flu mask as a means of trying to prevent the further spread of this potentially lethel virus...........
Probably because they are the cheapest and most readily available form......
This Mexican musician said "I think these masks are so great!.......now I can put on a CD and mime!"


There are some disadvantages though.....................
And reports indicate that the art of sensual kissing has certainly become less popular in France....



Of course.....If you really want to be safe.................
Why not invest in one of these chappies?......
The makers claim "It's safe to use, efficient and you'll hardly know you're wearing it"
"Where did I put that face mask?........Ooooh! Silly me!....I'm WEARING it!!"
Mmmmmm...........


With the simple 'mouth cover' face masks you can also add that 'personal touch'........
....just by adding your own design to the front!
The possibilities are endless!.......
Here's the "Always cheerful" mask for those people dealing directly with the public....
"Have a NICE day!"



But beware.............
Sometimes the design of the simple face mask can start to influence your choice of clothes.......
....and who knows where that will lead.......?
Introducing Batmans latest Nemesis........."Aaaaachooo Man!"



Of course....in the rush to satisfy growing public demand...........
......other inferior products have already begun appearing on the market............
....which you should certainly beware of........
This face mask for example...............
.....has been found to be totally useless in the fight against swine flu!
(Although you do have lovely soft skin while you're sneezing to death)


And whilst the developers of this mask thought that this design would 'do the trick'
.................it too proved unsucessful!
(Apparently the Swine flu virus doesn't frighten that easily)


Some people like to live dangerously.............
.....and have taken to openly TAUNTING the swine flu virus.............
.....almost DARING it to infect them!

And don't forget that at times of public panic you still have to try to stay calm and plan ahead...........

Did you know for example, that masks are already available for an outbreak which hasn't even occurred yet?!....

Sheep flu!

 

I'm just following HIM!

 
What ever measures you now decide to take.......
Remember that giving more attention to simple personal hygeine can prevent the virus spreading........
......and doing simple things will minimise your contact with the illness......


Not like this dirty swine!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel - Dear Milkman

Whatto! Milkmen......

'Leaving a note for the Milkman' is fast becoming a distant memory as more and more of us buy our milk from Supermarkets............

But over the years they have been called on to perform some interesting duties.....
..............here's a selection of classic notes for your perusal:



Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.



Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.



Cancel one pint after the day after today.



Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.



Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.



Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.



Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.



Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.



Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.



When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.



Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?



My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?



Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.



Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. (Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it).



From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.



My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.



Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.



When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.



No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Lessons Lernt

Whatto! Mature people........ 

I've learned alot of useful things in my life...............
......some of which may also prove useful to you......
....as you travel life's highways and byways..........
......and footpaths.......
........and bridleways............

whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed........

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.......

one good turn gets most of the blankets......

depression is merely anger without enthusiasm......

it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.........

we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.....

artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

and finally..........that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jaxqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Knows It's In The Eye Of The Beholder

Whatto! Doctors.............

Beauty is always a very difficult thing to put your finger on..........

Almost as difficult as putting your finger on....

....... Mary Segovia's nipples!

"Who on Earth is 'Mary Segovia'?".....I hear you ask..........

Well.......... to find out....

..... read on.................

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Important Message Re Swine Flu!

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

BE WARNED...

Whatto! Sneezers...............

Apparently H.M. Government are taking numerous steps to continually advise the populace regarding the ongoing pandemic...............
However.............
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.






It's just Spam.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Travel Bug

Whatto! Travellers............

Are you someone who loves travel?...............

Do you begin planning your next trip before your last one has even finished?

Do you crave the 'Buzz' of being somewhere new and exotic?

Well.......... I'm pleased to tell you...........

....You're not alone!

Even in somewhere as exotic as Costa Rica.......some enterprising individuals have created a fantasy hideaway for themselves based on 'Getting away from it all'....................

This magnificent house looks like a movie set from Thunderbirds .........

....but it's actually someones home............

......someone who has been bitten so badly by the travel bug............

.....that their every waking moment has to remind them.............

......of jetting away to a far off paradise.......

It's beautifully done................

.......and the 'giveaway' is all that lovely wood!..........

It would never get off the ground!..............

Still..............we can dream...........

........as we sit drinking our cocktails............

.....waiting for the next flight!...............

I became so facinated by this idea...............

That I immediately wanted to start work on my own 'fantasy travel abode'.....

......beginning by interviewing flight attendants.........

Wallop!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On The Race For Space

Whatto! Cosmonauts............ 

Apparently....... during the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules..................
They set the weight of the entire NASA space Scientist team to work on solving this intergalactic problem........
After considerable research and development, they proudly announced the breakthrough they had developed............
......and the 'Astronaut Pen' was revealed to the rest of the waiting world..............
.......... at a cost of a mere $1 million U.S...................
One giant leap for mankind.........
Giving credit where it's due..............The pen worked well......

...... and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth..............
Faced with the same problem....
....... The Soviet Union.......
....... used a pencil.....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Works On Improving The World Of Ladies

Whatto! Ladies.....

I've often heard it said that it's 'A Man's World'.......
.....and I would have totally agreed had I not had my attention drawn to a number of amazing new inventions which have been specifically developed to enhance the lives of Ladies everywhere..............
Things like the 'Woman's Touch' bowling alley........
...which has received a tasteful 'make over' to enhance the feminine side of bowling!

And this sturdy and indestructible invention.........
....which will silence for once and for all that constant feminine cry from ladies of the house to 'PUT THE SEAT DOWN!'........

And yet another development in retailer satisfaction.................

CARS!......

Yes men.....amazing as it may seem.......women are interested in cars too!
This development will aide all manufacturing companies struggling to stay solvent.......

From now on cars will be produced in two colours............. red and blue..........

Men can buy blue ones which means Ladies can have the red ones!.....

Now it will be easy to spot women drivers on the road.....and give them a wider birth!

You won't believe this......but many women are also using computers these days!

And not just for looking up cooking recipes.......

But certain computer support companies have been inundated with totally unnecessary calls from women who have been unable to find the right key to press when the instruction manual clearly states 'Press ANY key'................
So henceforth........all computers will be fitted with this invaluable addition!

Returning to lady drivers for a moment............ (but addressing this next question to men).....

You know how - when you are out together - ladies like to make you reverse into parking spaces?.........
Well this invention has increased the available space by over 40% ............

......and landing lights make it virtually impossible to miss........even in fog!
What a break through!
There seems to be a number of issues emanating from the area of the shared Lavatory.......
.....and yet another (male) inventor has come up with a simple but effective resolution to the constant complaint that......'You haven't changed the toilet roll!'
Once installed........this invention ensures that this particular phrase should not be heard within the hallowed confines of the privy for quite some time............

Here's a handy gadget for women who like to surf the net for shoes and clothing for a lovely night out!.........
And it also means to don't have to leave the computer to get ready!......
Great for putting on those last minute bids!!

Men love speed!......
That fact is well known and regularly documented.......
But did you know that females have virtually no concept of speed?
It's TRUE.....scientists have proved that when a woman gets behind the wheel of a car she very quickly loses all sense of reality!......
For this reason a speedometer has been developed that women will instantly understand!

Even in the DIY arena ......

......women are demanding that their needs are fully catered for........
I was delighted to see that the well known firm of 'Black & Decker' have responded to this cry with a hammer and screwdriver set specifically targeting ladies..........
(There's absolutely no excuse for not changing those blown fuses now Ladies!)
Har! Har!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Has Signs Of The Time

Whatto! Visualists..........

Aren't signs useful?...........

They can be 'Descriptive'.......... ......."Because sometimes the word 'banana' just isn't enough!"

......'Challenging'...... ...... in a way that asks "Oh yeah?......Says who?!"....

.......'Informative'...... ...... "Maybe going for a drive today wasn't such a good idea"....

.......'Helpful'....... ..... "Ok thanks.......I was wondering how to use this thing!"

........'Warning'... ..... "But I can't help it!..........It's those beans!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Brains Of Britain

Whatto! Quizzers.........

The following are extracts from various Quizzes aired throughout Britain......

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals?

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army...... who will now be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World?'

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm?

Stewart White: Correct..... And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong?

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis?

Stewart White: Well, there we are then..... So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World?'

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one...... Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. .. ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . ....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: The Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a 'Henry the Eighth' ... er... er ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ..... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Ireland?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel on Ancient Chinese Wisdom

Whatto! Wise ones...............

The following facts have been drawn to my attention..............

Are they mere co-incidence?......

.........Or is a greater force at work?

2007

Chinese Year of the Chicken!

"Bird Flu Pandemic devastates large parts of Asia"

2008

Chinese year of the Horse!

"Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing industry"

2009

Chinese year of the Pig!

"Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe"

But WAIT!..........

Next year...... 2010
- is Chinese Year of the Cock!
........what could possibly go wrong?


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel& Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel And The Miniature Babies

Whatto! Parents.......

I was recently sent these amazingly cute pictures of miniature babies....... .......all painstakingly made by hand..........

......from marzipan!.........

Aaaaaaaaaaaah.........I think you'll agree how cute they all look......

....but somehow I can't imagine eating them.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Notices The Return Of The Body Snatchers!

Whatto! Beautiful people................

I recently received this open and frank letter from a lady who wants to warn the population of an alarming sequence of events which may be happening to women all over the world .....right now!

"Dear Lord Noel

This is an explanation to those people who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs!...... The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again!...........

My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion!..... It was two weeks ago when I realized my arms had also been switched!!!..... One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched - horrified but fascinated - as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary! My body was being replaced one section at a time! How clever and fiendish!!!. Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I am being attacked repeatedly and without warning! In despair I have given up wearing my T-shirts. What will they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. I cannot take on the whole of the Medical profession by myself!......... That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night!....

WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

Yours alarmed

Peggy Legg"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Getting To Grips In La La Land

Whatto! Bloggers..............

I have often wondered "What would be the best way to raise sexual self-awareness and promote safe sex?"..........

But in San Francisco they've 'come up' with something which has now become a popular Annual Event!

Yes!

Something you may have been told would make you go blind ...............has now gone PUBLIC!

To achieve their ultimate (and intimate) goals ....the participants came equipped with many varied 'state of the art' accoutraments............

Some of the assembled 'Wank3rs' "just couldn't wait to get started!"..............
(I wonder if Ken here will be thinking about his Barbie?)

No......I think he'll probably just be thinking about himself..............

Here's one of the Organisers.............. 'Sister Roma' ....

.....from the Convent of the Perpetually Indulged..............

(That explains sooooooooooo much)

Some people found they could 'get to work' once they'd achieved a 'quiet space' for themselves ............ahem!...........you do know that we can still see you?!.........

......while others soon seemed completely oblivious to the hoard of Paparazzi craning for the 'best angle' on the event..........

In the end there were smiling faces all round.................
......and everyone limped home satisfied..........

....that they'd achieved what they set out to achieve........

A fine example of what can be done when you rub people up the right way!.............

http://www.sfweekly.com/slideshow/view/8331293/1

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On The Importance Of Proper Punctuation

Whatto! Sticklers.........

 

I've always been a firm believer in the adage "It's all in the punctuation".....

And this was recently demonstrated to me during a lecture by good friend of mine, an English professor, who invited me to attend one of his lectures as a guest...........

He began th exercise by writing down the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard........

...... he then directed his students to punctuate it correctly.......

Strangely enough.......

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

But the women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Celebrates As Apple Does It Again!

What ho! computer wizzards..........

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The 'iTit' will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Love Quotes

Whatto! Lovers......

It is said that "Love is a many splendoured thing"........

....inspiring people to achieve so many great things........

Here are some quotes.............

.....that have been inspired........

....... by love.........

'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' Dorothy Parker.

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' Rosanne Barr.

"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself." Mae West.

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." Rita Rudner.

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up." Barbara Bush.

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." Ann Landers.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." Groucho Marx.

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." Mickey Rooney.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Coming Back

Whatto! ladies..... 

An interesting discussion developed the other night about re-incarnation.......
and the topic included 'what would YOU like to come back as?'......
One lady was quite adamant that she would like to come back as a 'BEAR'!....
When she was pressed she gave several compelling reasons why......
She said "When you're a bear, you get to hibernate............. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that................
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid......... Yum! No problem there!.....
When you're a girl bear, you give birth your children (who are the size of walnuts by the way!) while you are sleeping!................ and you wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
If you're a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business!......
You can swat anyone who bothers your cubs..........
and if your cubs get out of line, you swat them too!!........
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
and he EXPECTS you to have hairy legs .......
.............and excess body fat!......"

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse