Lord Noel on WD40

What ho! Pepys...

WD-40 stands for 'Water Displacement #40'.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, hence the name WD-40.
The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove top ... Voila!... It's now shinier than it's ever been.
You'll also be amazed when I tell you what it's actually made from....


But First....
Uses for WD-40:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows . (I love this one!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terracotta garden pots from oxidising.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots ..
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for
those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the
finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just
remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22 Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open..
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, waggons, and bicycles for easy handling
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Some people even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain!
37. It's used in the state of New York to protect the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. Spray WD-40 on your car's distributor cap to displace the moisture on damp mornings and allow the car to start.



PS. Have you figured out what the basic ingredient is yet?..........




.....it's FISH Oil!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Political Advice

What ho! Pepys...

Do you get the impression - as I do - that no matter who is in 'power' in this Country...

...NOTHING CHANGES!?
At the NEXT Election what not VOTE FOR NOBODY?

NOBODY will keep their election promises!

NOBODY will listen to your concerns!

NOBODY will help the poor, unemployed and elderly!.

NOBODY tells the TRUTH!

If NOBODY is elected things can't be any worse!

...or can they?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Restaurant

What ho! Pepys...

I am very pleased to announce...

...that my new restaurant 'Karma' has proved to be a huge success. 

We serve just desserts.
During the evening one of our auspicious guests asked me 

"Lord Noel - what do you know about Judo?"

and I said "Do they make bagels from it?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Heayring Problym

What ho! Pepys...

From time to time even I, Lord Noel, have to drain our National Health system...

...this time I just had to go for a standard checkup.

Whilst I was there I confided to the Doctor that I thought my good Lady wife...

...might be losing her hearing.

The Doctor told me, "You could do a simple test...."

"Really?" I responded

"Yes" he continued "Just stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'Darling?'...

Then move 3 feet closer and do it again.
Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds....

If you make a mental note of how close you were when she gives you an answer... 

...that will help me know how bad her hearing loss is."
A few days later I went back to see the same Doctor and he asked, 

"Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"

I replied "Yes I did".

"How close did you get before she answered?" he persisted excitedly

"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away...

...she just turned around and said...

"For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel is NHS Stand In

What ho! Pepys...

A very good Doctor friend of mine was invited to attend a meeting.

Unfortunately he was delayed by a Medical Emergency so couldn't get there.

He sent me a message with the details - asking me if I could go in his place...

...and as it just involved listening and taking notes for him to read later on, I agreed.

I arrived at the venue in good time but was unable to find the right meeting room...

...there were so many offices in the building and some weren't even numbered!

As this was taking ages I was now late!

I was becoming a trifle flustered and embarassed...

...so I felt lucky when I saw a likely looking group through a glass screen...

...and burst into the room...

"Is this the emergency meeting of the Premature Ejaculation Society?" I asked

"I came as quickly as I could."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Secretaries

 Whatto! Businesspeople...

I realise that it's very difficult to aquire and also retain 

the right callibre of staff these days.

But even someone with amazing secretarial skills 

can still be totally irritating.

Is your secretary like mine?

Driving you mad with her constant bird impressions? 

Well, I have found the perfect solution to our problem...

As you walk into your office....

Just say loudly

...in a commanding voice..... 

'No calls today!' 

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Good Husbandry

What ho! Pepys...

My good Lady wife sat me down a few evenings ago and said 

"Lord Noel ...just recently I don't feel that you've been supportive enough towards me"

So I cupped her boobs!

Then I took her out for a lovely meal 

at a very select Members Only Club 

where we danced the night away.

While we were there we met this charming lap dancer

who said to us 'Lord Noel I will do absolutely anything for money'..

"Wallop!!Say No More!" Said I

Guess who got all their housework done?!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Revealeth Ye Laytest Fashyons

What ho! Pepys...

Here be a presentation by 'Lord Noel Fashyons'...

...of what every well-dressed Pirate / Libertine will be wearing this season.

Sorry about ye lyghting! 

It be damn'd difficult takin' thys by ye candlelyght!

 Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Shayreth His Knoywledge On Woymen

What ho! Peyps...

One of the things I've learned about Ladies:

An average domestic argument will burn well over 500 calories. 

So men need to start realising that women are not really angry with you....

.... they're just trying to lose weight!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel asks "Art Thou Ready?"

What ho! Pepys...

Local authorities in England routinely detail emergency plans for natural disasters such as floods and man-made atrocities including terrorist attacks.
Mr P. Store recently wrote to the Bristol City council wondering what plans have been laid down in case they are 'invaded by the undead'.
Peter Holt, service director of communication and marketing, wrote back to Store: "In response to your request for details of Bristol city council's contingency plans for dealing with zombies, I can now release to you the following strategy document.
Please note that this document contains various redactions as it has been considered that some information contained therein must be redacted for the purpose of safeguarding national security."
Marked 'Top Secret', the document, which has been published on the whatdotheyknow.com site, sets out four alert states:

• Ambient zombie level – business as usual, but be on the lookout for telltale signs.

• Enhanced activity level – confirmed zombie attacks on the populous.

• Major outbreak – zombie infection level in excess of 1%, multiple sightings across the city.

• Zombie pandemic level – concentrated outbreak, with infection levels over 30%.

The report suggests certain parts of the city – Whitchurch Park, Shirehampton, and Totterdown – are particularly at risk and adds that "false positives have been found in Stokes Croft", the city's bohemian quarter that was the scene of riots this year after the opening of a new Tesco Supermarket store.
To avoid "widespread panic" staff are asked to listen for codewords on radio and television broadcasts to warn them that a zombie attack is under way.
Under health and safety the document urges staff to remember the correct zombie-killing procedure: "Fully disconnect the brain-stem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal."
In the procurement section the document claims "cuffs, stun guns, protection suits etc" are available on the staff intranet.
An annual training schedule for designated officers is in place, the document reveals. "To avoid public panic, this is billed as a gaming festival," the report says and adds that staff who are "fully qualified in zombie handling may qualify for partial exemption and accreditation in the training for handling pirate outbreaks and for spotting the difference between genuine hot air balloons and evil, giant, floaty space aliens."

Phew!... Isn't it good to know our taxes are being spent so wisely?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Remembers

What ho! Pepys...

After our recent Remembrance Day I was surprised today when I heard an American Soldier saying things like this to an audience who seemed willing to listen! Can't something be done to stop this kind of thing?
It's featured here and starts 9min 15secs into the video in a piece entitled  'A System of violence':

"And I tried hard to be proud of my service but all I could feel was shame. And Racism could no longer mask the reality of the occupation - that these were human beings.
I've since been plagued by guilt. Every time I see an elderly man, like the one who couldn't walk, who we rolled onto a stretcher and told the Iraqi Police to take him away. I feel guilt every time I see a mother with her children, like the one who cried out hysterically and shouted that we were worse then Saddam as we forced her from her home. I feel guilt every time I see a young girl, like the one I grabbed by the arm and forced into the street.
We were told we were fighting Terrorists, but the real Terrorist was me and the real Terrorism is this occupation.
Racism within the Military has long been an important tool to justify the destruction and occupation of another country. It has long been used to justify the suffering, subjugation and torture of another people.
Racism is a vital weapon employed by this Government. It is a more important weapon then a rifle, a tank, a bomber or a battleship. It's a more destructive than an artillery shell, or a bunker buster Tomahawk missile. All those weapons are owned by the Government and are harmless without people to use it. Those who send us to war do not have to pull a trigger or lob a mortar round. They do not have to fight the war, they merely have to sell us the war. 
They need a public who is willing to send their Soldiers into harms way. They need soldiers who are willing to kill and be killed without question. They can spend millions on a single bomb but that only becomes a weapon when the ranks in the military are willing to follow orders to use it. They can send every last soldier anywhere on earth but they will only be a war if soldiers are willing to fight. And the ruling class, the billionaires who profit from human suffering, they care only about expanding their wealth, and controlling the world economy.
Understand that their power lies only in their ability to convince us that war, oppression and exploitation is in our interests. They understand that their wealth is dependant on their ability to convince the working class to die, to control the market of another country.
And convincing us to kill and die is based on their ability to make us think that we are somehow superior.
Soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines have nothing to gain from this occupation The vast majority of the people living within the US have nothing to gain from this occupation.
In fact, not only do we have nothing to gain, but we suffer more because of it. We lose limbs, endure trauma and give our lives. 
Our families have to watch flag draped coffins lowered into the earth. Millions of people in this country without jobs, access to health care and education must watch the Government in this country squander over $450million a day on this occupation.
Poor and working people in this country are sent to kill poor and working people in another country to make the rich richer. And without racism, soldiers would realise that they have more in common with the Iraqi people than they do with the billionaires who sent them to war.
I threw families onto the street in Iraq, only to come home and find families thrown onto the street in this country in this tragic and unnecessary 'foreclosure crisis'.
We need to wake up and realise that our REAl enemies are not in some distant land, they're not people whose name we do not know and cultures we don't understand. The enemy is people we know very well, and people we can identify, the enemy is a system that wages war when it's profitable. The enemy is the CEO's who lay us off from our jobs when it's profitable. It's the Insurance who deny us Healthcare when it's profitable. It's the bank who take away our homes when it's profitable.
Our enemy is not 5000 miles away, they are right here at home. If we're organised, we can fight with our sisters and brothers, and we can stop this war, stop this Government and we can create a better world."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Languyage Anglaise

What ho! Pepys...

I have always said that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and this has been borne out by my recently received (two) emails from people saying something along the lines of "We have viewed your so-called 'Blog' and read the varied content displayed there and have found ourselves wanting! There seems to be no discernibly 'content' on the page with which we can engage the hungry grey matter within our skulls"
So - to satisfy those 'knowledge hungry' personages I have purloined the following missal which will both educate and stimulate your cranium contents to a point where I think you will fall back onto the sofa of life afterwards...
...feeling totally satiated...
It all revolves around our counting system and the fact that we recently had a 11/11/11 date which seems like an over abundance of 'eleventies' regardless of which western society you emanate from.
Eleven seems strange to some as it deviates from the 'ten plus' system we are used to.
All the other numbers (excluding zero to ten) seem to follow a formulaic pattern, these two -- at first blush, at least -- are outliers.  In short, "11" is not "one teen" and for that matter, "12" is not "two teen." What is going on here?
While you may think that the words emerged from a base-12 numbering system -- think months of the year, hours in half a day, or inches in a foot -- it turns out that this simply isn't the case.  "Eleven" is actually a base-10 term.  
The word "eleven" is derived from the Old English word "endleofan" (pronounced "end-lih-fen") which itself comes from the Germanic "ainlif," a compound word: "ain" means "one" and "lif" was a version of the word "left."  (The word "leave" has the same root.)  Combined, "ainlif" means "one left." Imagine a Germanic goat herder from the early Middle Ages counting his flock, putting them in units of ten -- but missing his estimate and ending up with one left over.  That last one is "ainlif" -- "eleven."
The word "twelve" follows a similar construct, from the terms "twelf" in Old English and "twalif" at its Germanic routs.  Again, the word "ten" is assumed and the math still works: "eleven" is really "ten plus one" and "twelve" is "ten plus two."  There is nothing duodenary about their names.
For 13 to 19? "Teen" simply means "ten more than," and of course, the prefix is self-explanatory.  And no, we do not know why there is a linguistic split after twelve. Both the "teen" and "lif" terms developed at roughly the same time -- probably around the year 900. The antiquity of these terms makes it impossible to determine the reason for certain. 

So now you know!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Elephantynism!

What ho! Peeps....

People have often said to me...

..."Lord Noel - you've got the memory of an elephant!"

And this morning I proved them all correct...

...when I remembered to eat a banana...

...with my nose.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Hath Provide'd a Newys Summariee

What ho! Pepys...

To save all you very busy people the trouble of having to read through all those tediously verbose periodicals full of superfluous information. I have condensed this week's news into an almost manageable soundbite that even this 'Think in Tweetlength' generation may be able to reach the end of.

Here is a Summary of this week's news. 

A rich chap wriggles out of something...

... some rich chaps get a hospital...

...some more rich chaps argue about a continent. 

Some rich chaps change the name of a football stadium...

...and a rich chap is made prime minister of a bankrupt country.
That is all.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Speaketh Poppycock

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday I noticed that Mr James Murdoch was wearing a poppy...

...despite being much more recently associated with amnesia...

..than remembrance. 

Later I turned on my wireless and heard a BBC Radio presenter...

...who sounded like they were not wearing a poppy!

Where can I complain?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Revolving Around A Church Hall

What ho! Pepys...

There's nothing I enjoy better...

...than a vigorous workout like the one I had tonight...

...in a church hall......with a load of Morris Dancers.

Whilst I was there I was asked if I could do anything 

to raise the tone of the lacklustre Church choir..

...so I let off some helium gas.

Here's another man who's voice may go up a few octaves...

...when he next decides to go for a shower.

Tallho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Mathematics Test

What ho! Pepys...

Can you answer this Mathematics question?

Can you really?

No ...really!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Speaketh Here On Bootlegging

What ho! Pepys...

I hath always enjoy'ed and encourage'd ye entrepreneurialism

whenever it raiseth it's rather attractive head.

And I was muchly please'd to spy a vendor 

of products appertayning to the layte and greayt

Michaelangelo Jacksonian

and who had a comely queue forming towards his vending stall outlette.

But all of a suddyn the local Constabulary arrived!...

...and took away the poore man for 'questioning'.

It later turneth out the fellow claiming to be selling 

"Ye authentique Michael Jackson Jesus Juice"

was just a smoothie criminal.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Successful Offspring

Whatto! Peeps...

Four Chaps, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at an extravagant Fireworks party...
After several drinks, one of them had to use the men’s room.
Those who remained talked about their offspring.
The first chap said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder.He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the Manging Director of the company.

He's become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second chap said, 'Wow! That's terrific!  My son is also my pride and joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third chap said:  'Well, that's amazing!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:  A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?'
The fourth chap replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... Sorry to hear that... What a disappointment.'
The fourth chap replied: 'Hey No, I'm not ashamed of my son... I love him!... And he hasn't done badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Tree Brides

Whatto! Peeps...

These mysterious trees look wonderfully unreal...

...swathed in the grey veils of a grieving bride...

...but they are a practical solution to an overwhelming problem which occurred in 2010.

When the village of Sindh in Pakistan, India was hit by a flood 

that reached a height of twenty feet above normal sea levels.

Now the water has subsided....

...but the veils remain...

...and deep within them sit the creatures which fashioned these splendidly gothic adornments...

..the spiders!...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "How Did I Know?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Here's a Mathematical one for you.

Statisticians predict that only one in every 2,803,054,792 people 

will actually bother to read that number out properly in their head.
 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel