Lord Noel's Review of 2008

Whatto! Gregorianists...........
Around about now we like to take stock of what's happened to us over the Year and see what we've learnt from it.....................

.......and we came up with the following list!.............


There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government directive.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

A balanced diet is a glass of Champagne in each hand!

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again and again...........

By the time you can finally make ends meet, they've moved the ends!

It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.

You should NEVER confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance! Just get up and dance!

Never lick a steak knife.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

A lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic!


Tallyho!
& All the Best in 2009!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Says - It's A Gift!

Whatto! recipients.............

As the toilet brush of time forces away the last remnants of Crimbo from the U bend of existence............
we are left to ponder over Christmas past..............
....and Christmas Presents!
I wonder if you are like me?...................someone who always prefers Presents that have been given with thought and consideration....................and hopefully 'Hand Made' to give it that 'personal touch' ..................unless of course it's a Rolls Royce then one really should go to a reputable dealer................

Here are a selection of imaginative presents to whet your taste buds for next Xmas..............
......and you can also use them to ask your partner............
"Why didn't I get one of those?!"

Handbags are ALWAYS popular gifts................ and they always say something about the owner
..............whatever their shape!



.....or how about this conveniently designed makeup tray?..........great for any gorgeous lady driver ..............or cross-dresser!?

....or maybe you'd prefer to use your hard earned cash to get a 'Garden Makeover' ............and spend some quality time with Mother Nature?!

And for those who still insist that Jesus was born at Xmas....................how about this tasteful image of the man himself?............. looking suitably cheesed off about having just been crucified by us humans!?..............

That one's clever too...........because it's all done with just ONE line! ................(Probably made by someone with a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)


Or.....maybe you know a masochist?.......... or you want to get 'even' with someone?...............then please consider a Thai Massage!!!

Here the recipient is being given a 'Butterfly'!......................how nice!

But the day when a butterfly sits on my face and forces my legs behind my head................is the day I'll spend more time INDOORS!

Does your partner enjoy their food?.............YES?!.............then what better than to treat them to a culinary feast of epic proportions?

Can you guess what it is yet?................

Yes!................of course!

It's a YAK PENIS!................yum!

Maybe you're a Romantic?.................then a writing course could be a lovely and thoughtful gift for someone you Love?................that way your partner can write to you when they run off with someone on the course!

Personally I love practical presents.................here's a gift that's definitely GOING somewhere!........... In fact - Wherever you go!.................Imagine having your own BAR go with you!........and the Taxi home already pre-booked!!?........Perfect!

If you're too big to go to the GYM or be seen in public...................why not use Wii?

But for this version you might need a partner................and you're probably too fat aren't you?

This small and discrete gift allows you to make quick and accurate assessments of your personal aroma prior to intimacy with your partner......................how thoughtful!

MEN!..............Are you tired of being taken for granted in the kitchen?.............This gift gets the message across loud and clear!

And how about this unusual gift?.....................designed specially for Xmas by a group of local Satanists!?

Now this next gift is probably for a 'niche' market.......................To be honest......I'm not even sure what it does!..............but it looks like it might potentially be fun!........................and I bet someone out there is saying to themselves 'I MUST have one!' as you read this!.........

Or maybe a 'Tiny Personal Pole dancer' is more your cup of tea?.................

And here's the perfect gift for all Expectant fathers!..............Now YOU TOO can share in those intimate moments with YOUR baby child!............Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

.........and when your child reaches it's teens and says to you "Dad....I keep having these reoccurring nightmares of you breast feeding me!" .....................you can have fun explaining your behaviour to them!......................("It seemed like a good idea at the time Son!")

And FINALLY.........

......for the Woman who has everything!..........

.......why not get them?.....................

NOTHING!?

It does exactly what it says on the tin!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Christmas Message - from the Gardener

Well Hello everybody!...........It's Baz here!........with some nice topical gardening tips for you........and you'll be pleased to know that there's bugger all to do in the garden roight now so you can go and polish yer marrows instead!................ Very nice too!

I went to midnight mass over xmas and had a lovely time singing all those christmas carols in our little ole local church............... I must admit there's nothing I like better after a good Xmas curry and a skinful of booze..............than a good singsong!

It does the ole heart and soul good!

I met the Vicar again today while I was raking up the leaves on his Lordships drive and the Vicar says to me "Did you have a nice time at Midnight mass Baz?" I says "Yes I did Vicar!"

He nods and says "Yes I think we all did - it was so lovely ........until that drunk with the marrow turned up!"
"Oh Really?" I asks
"Oh Yes" he murmers "I'm afraid he put the fear of God into the womens circle!"
I'm curious now - so I has to ask "Did anyone get to see his face Vicar?"
He shakes his head "I'm afraid not..... he had a white beard and a Santa hat on!"
I smile and says "Oh dear oh dear .....some people!"

He went on......... saying "I can't help admiring this garden and the splendid job that you and the Lord have made of this land!"

So I stops and leans on my rake for a bit and then I says to him "Well Vicar......you should have seen the state of it when the Lord had it on his own!"

Have a Bootiful and Fruitful New Year!

Cheeeeerio!
Baz

Lord Noel's Christmas Message - From The Chauffeur

Ello!

Wiv is Lordship and er Ladyship tucked up in bed after a proper brahma party last noight wiv a load of uver tofts - theys asked me to put summink on eer from meself loike - a sorta alternative xmas message and that. Well oim a great lover of motors see? ......in fact ive had loads of em over the years - some of them were legit too. Ive always liked drivin for a job - mainly in the East end of London innit - but I was lucky enough to make enuf dosh from me last job to retire to the country and lie low fer a bit. Thats where I starts working fer yer Lord & Ladyship. Theys well nice people who love to av a good time. Any party theys at is bound to go wiv a bang. Theys got lots of top notch pals who I gets to meet when Im drivin loike. My Xmas message is simpul - Nobody should be drivin and drinkin!- its just mental! Three of my mates woz killed in a motor at Xmas after drink driving - it just aint worf it! When they died they all went up to evan and woz met by St Peter (ees effectively Gods doorman) at the pearly gates. 'In honour of dis holy season' Saint Peter says, 'You must each possess somefink wot symbolizes Xmas to get yerselves into heaven.' The first man fumbles frew his pockets and pulls out his empty whisky bottle. 'It's Bells innit?', he says. 'Alright my son" sez St Peter, "You may pass frew the pearly gates!' The second bloke reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom. He blows into it and says, 'It's a balloon!' Saint Peter says 'You are pushing it mate!..... but you may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man starts searching desperately frew his pockets and then he pulls out a tiny red g string. St. Peter looks at this geezer wiv his eyebrow raised loike and asks, 'And just what do you fink those symbolize?' The bloke smiles and sez................

....'These are Carols!'

Nice one!

Watch yer back!

Vern

Lord Noel On The True Spirit of Xmas

Whatto! everyone........

As SANTA puts his feet up for another year............


Letting his long grey hair down...........


and doing whatever it is that SANTA likes to do.............


.....when he's not delivering presents to everyone........


I was struck by an idea that I would like to share with you........
that SANTA really IS the true 'Spirit of Xmas'......


he is someone we WANT to believe in......
even as ADULTS...........


because we love the WONDER of it all.......
and that even when it's NOT Xmas......
that playful Spirit of SANTA will still be with us......


whether we recognise it or not......
because SANTA is the one true character..............
who INCAPSULATES the fun of Xmas
who feeds our FANTASIES of flying through the sky.......
from one COASTLAND to another......
a truely TRANSATLANTIC magician!
An ASTRONAUT of fun......
who STRANGULATES RATIONALISTS.....
and provides a SANCTUARY for TRADITIONALISTS..........
with his SUBSTANTIAL TRANSFERABLE QUALIFICATIONS.....
he TANTALISES the MAINSTREAM ......
who climb the ASTRONOMICALLY STATIONARY BEANSTALK of life.......
to the PAINSTAKING BANDSTAND of PANTALOONS......
for SANCTIFICATION in the mystical WASHSTAND of SANTA!...........

Hallelujah!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Boxing Day Quiz

Whatto! Everyone............... 

At this point Seasonal Tradition suggests you'll have:
1. nursed a hangover
2. complained about the vast amounts of food you've stuffed yourself with
3. opened all your pressies
4. developed square eyes from too much TV!

So as a welcome break from the onset of boredom what better than a Nice Quiz?
Yule Love............


Lord Noel's Boxing Day Quiz!

In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with expressions commonly used at Christmas time................

I've put the Answers at the end - but as the Chinese people say when they go to visit Chinatown in London "There's no Peking!"........

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.
7. A Holy Man bereft of underwear could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.
9. A quiet medieval armour-wearer is a _____ _____.
10. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Well?...........

.........How did you do?

Find out below..................



Answers:

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, Noel (no 'L', no 'L'!)
6. Seasons' Greetings!
7. Saint Knickerless.
8. Baa! Humbug!
9. Silent Knight
10. Fleece Navidad!

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Recognises A Supreme Effort

Whatto! Consumers.................

I was facinated to read about the huge effort put in by Santa in order to make sure all the presents get delivered at Xmas................

It really does make you appreciate just how fit he must be!

..........An Australian who trained with kangaroos instead of reindeer has won this year's Santa Claus World Championships in the Swedish town of Gallivare!.........

"Three years in training to be a Santa, and now it's all paid off," said Dave Downey of Perth................

An international field of 30 Santas showed off their skills in.........

'chimney climbing'

'reindeer racing'

'sledge racing'

'porridge eating' and........

'scheduling' (for Christmas Eve!)..............

Asked about his training regime, Downey replied: "'Kangaroos', 'sheep', 'porridge eating' and, of course, the usual 'Santa activities' (?).............

.........It's just a bit harder in the heat, that's all."

Competition official Elisabeth Landby said "He was in third place during most of the time during the competition, but he impressed the judges during the chimney climbing and jumped to first place!"

Well Tallyho! to HIM!!!

Best Wishes & Happy Xmas

Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Santa Stories

Whatto! Festive ones.............

I came across these two stories and couldn't resist them.........
Have a Good One!

"In Danbury, Connecticut - A 33 year old woman named Sandrama Lamy has been sentenced under an accelerated rehabilitation programme that will wipe her record clean if she completes two years' probation...............
Danbury Superior Court Judge Susan Reynolds on Wednesday also ordered Lamy to stay away from the Danbury Fair Mall..............
So what was Lamy charged with?...............
Theft?.........
No!
Damage?..............
No!
Lamy got charged with sexual assault and breach of the peace...............
....after groping Santa inappropriately while sitting on his lap at the mall!"
AND................

"In Los Angeles a man was arrested on Sunday night for investigation of drunken driving after he was spotted outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.............
wearing..............
a Santa Hat.............
a long blonde wig.................
a red lace camisole................
black leg warmers...............
knee-length black boots.............
and a purple G-string!............
Police said......... "We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Xmas Singalong

Whatto! Web watchers................

To help get you fully into the Christmas Spirit.............

Here's a lovely little festive Xmas song.....................

that can be sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"!............


Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm cheerful although..........
My boss 'let me go'!
Totally addicted to the Web!

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
I'm starting to reek,
Same clothes for a week!
Totally addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they grab me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight a party's on?"
With a shrug, I mutter to them "No, man; I just discovered 'laugh-a-lot-dot-com'!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They take me away?
I'm totally addicted to the Web!

(Big finish!)
Tot-alllyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Goes Christmas Shopping

Whatto! Shoppers.............

As usual..........having so many better things to do with my life........................

I leave all my Xmas shopping til the last minute.........

This year I thought it would be nice to buy my wife some nice perfume..............


I went into town and asked to be shown a selection from their display...............

Naturally the assistant showed me a bottle costing £175!..............

I suddenly remembered that I'd inadvertantly left my bank cards back at The Manor and only had a small amount with me in my wallet!........... I smiled sweetly at the salesgirls effort to make as much commission as possible for herself...............

'I'm sorry..........that's far too expensive' I muttered................

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50 by which time I'd had time to check inside my wallet and found I only had £30 in cash!................

This was ridiculous!....."Oh dear!' I smiled, 'That's still a little too much!"....then I suggested "I'd like to see something REALLY cheap!?

So the sales girl smiled ............bent down........picked something up from behind the counter..........

and handed me............. a mirror!

Realising that this whole shopping experience would not work unless I had my bank cards......... I went home to retrieve them.............


I took with me to the next gift shop on the High street...........

As I entered I said "Hello! I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," to the rather attractive young salesgirl who greeted me............

".....but I'm sorry!" I added apologetically........"I don't know her size!".............


"No problem!" she smiled...... "Does this help?" ................

............and placed her small soft hand in mine!..................

"Oh, yes," I flustered..................

"That helps alot!............er.........her hands are just slightly larger than yours!"

She smiled warmly and with her other hand, selected the correct size from the display for me.............

"Will there be anything else?" she murmured.......still squeezing my hand..........

I thought for a moment........ enjoying my shopping experience to the full............


"Now that you mention it," I replied.............

"............she could use a new bra!"


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Christmas Gifts

Whatto! Everyone.............

As you know....I am normally an extremely generous person.........but the overwhelming desire 'to GIVE' overtakes me at time time of year............
I found some old letters today that reminded of some Xmas correspondence I had years ago ...........with a then 'lady friend' of mine.......
...........it brought back so many memories!....................


December 14th
Dearest Lord Noel:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised!
With dearest love and affection, Agnes xxxxxxxxxx
***
December 15th
Dearest Lord Noel:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves!.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable!
All my love, Agnes xxxxxxxxx
***
December 16th
Dear Lord Noel:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens?! They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind!
Love Agnes xxx
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic!
Affectionately, Agnes x
***
December 18th
Dearest Lord Noel:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for each finger! You're just impossible........ but I love it! Frankly, Lord Noel, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes xxxxxxxxxxxxx
***
December 19th
Dear Lord:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are really huge! Where ever will I keep them? The neighbours are starting to complain and I can't sleep through the racket. SO PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes x
***
December 20th
Noel:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird droppings all over the house!............ and they never stop their squawking! I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night! IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So PLEASE stop with those birds!
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds! What exactly am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows! There is dung all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me!. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey!:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And they won't stop playing! They kept chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me! Don't worry.....You'll get yours!
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them 'ladies'..... how they dance is disgusting! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The caretaker of buildings has summonsed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm getting the police onto you!
One who means it! Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot!:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? Are these some sick friends of yours?!! Thanks to their antics all 234 of the birds are now dead!!!! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine!
Your sworn enemy! Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th
(From the law offices of 'Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar' Ltd)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 'twelve fiddlers fiddling', which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction of whom was, of course, total. All correspondence should now come to our sole attention and we should warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at 'Happy Dale' Sanitarium the attendants have instructions to call Police who will shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas


...................................
Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Visit To Santa

What ho! Santa fans................

Around this time of year................

People celebrate the 'Season of Goodwill' in interesting ways............

it crosses parents minds...............even though the rest of the year they may be 'perfectly good parents'..........
to 'treat' their kids...............
to a surprise visit to Santa!!
Now...........Being a kid..........
you probably won't have met Santa before...............
but it's nothing to worry about...............

he's just a big fat chap.............
in a bright red furry suit............
with long white hair...............
......and ..........er.........make-up...........
and a long white beard...............
although not always..............
In 'Santas world' you must always be prepared for the unexpected!........
Oh yes! ...and he sits on a big throne............and he lives in a place called a 'Grotto'...........
which is normally at the North Pole...............
a freezing cold hostile place!................ (before global warming)...........
but it can be in virtually any department store too!.............
and he can be at twenty or more stores at exactly the same moment............
.........a bit like GOD I suppose?!
And you can usually tell where his Grotto is..............
because there'll be signs warning you..............
and it's usually a really tacky place...............
with bright flashing coloured lights........... and the sounds of childrens voices!

Anyway...... he lives in his Grotto with lots of Elves and fairies..............
who are his slaves...............
and he makes them work really long hours for HIM.............
to wrap up all the presents............... that YOU keep demanding all year long...............
and they probably don't even get paid any wages!..........
and get very little food.............
just enough to keep them alive!.............so they can keep working for him............
probably eating boiled fish EVERY day!............
because that's all they live on in the North Pole!............and they can't escape because of the freezing cold weather there................
and if you go towards him...............
he will grab you in his arms........... and hold you tight................and he won't let you go!..........
and he'll say over and over to you.....in a BIG BOOMING voice!......."Ho! Ho! Ho!" (unless you live in Sydney Australia).......
and he'll make you sit on his lap...............(if he's been checked out properly by 'The Authorities')...................and he'll ask you all sorts of personal questions..............

......like "What would you like for Christmas little boy/girl?"
and it's okay you can talk to him...............
even though your parents normally tell you NOT to talk to strangers..........
HE'S different............
oh yes....he's different...............and if you're 'good'...............
he will give you presents!..........
EVERYTHING you desire!...............

Just imagine that!..............EVERY kind of toy you can think of!!!!!...........but if you're BAD................ he'll give you a piece of COAL!!!!.............
and what use is a piece of COAL to a child?..............

No USE at all!...............
it just reminds you of 'Global Warming' doesn't it?!..............
Yes! A 'Visit to Santa' is a truely MAGICAL experience!.............try it some time soon...........
It certainly did me no harm!.....
and your parents can photograph that 'Magic Moment' for you to keep......
and tell you later on what fun it was!......

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/entertainment/holiday/sfl-scaredofsanta-ugc,0,7181908.ugcphotogallery

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse