Monday 30 September 2013

Lord Noel on Meeting A Self Employed Solicitor

Whatto! Peeps....


When I was younger, far younger than today....I walked into a bar on a far away country and spotted an overweight, disgustingly ugly man accompanied by an amazingly beautiful woman. I asked the barman "I say, how did that fat ugly chap get a lady like that?". 
The barman replied, "Well Lord Noel - she's a prostitute." 
I was stunned "How did he meet her?" 
The barman explained "Well she's here every evening at 7pm sharp, be here and you'll get your chance." 
So the next day I went in again and saw the woman sitting at the bar alone. 
I sat down beside her and said "I'm sorry to ask, but I heard you were a prostitute, is it true?" 
The woman replied "Its ok and yes... I am." 
"Well, well",  I said, "how much would you charge for an 'hj' then?" 
The woman replied "£800." 
"£800?! Goodness me lady" I said "don't you think thats a bit too much?" 
The woman said "Come to the window I want to show you something" She took me to the window and pointed to a sparkling red Ferrari outside. 
"You see that Ferrari?" 
"Yes, what about it?" 
"I paid for it by giving 'hj's." 
"Good Lord! You must give one hell of an 'hj'." 
So I paid her the money and got the best (up to that point in my life) hj ever, even my legs began to shake and shiver! 
The next day I came back and asked her "How much for a bj?" 
"£1900" said the prostitute. 
"Holy Mackerel" I exclaimed, "thats a lot of money" 
"Let me show you something" she said. 
She took me back to the window and pointed to two skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" 
"Yes." 
"I paid for those giving bjs." 
"WOW! That's one helluva bj!" I replied.
So, to cut a long story short, I paid her the money and got the best (up to that point in my life) bj I had ever had. My eyes rolled back in my head and my feet trembled with delight, even my hair curled. 
The next day I got up and emptied out my entire bank account.
I was on a mission!
I went back to the bar, saw the woman and said "You've given me the best hj and bj I have ever had in my life, I've got to know how good your nether regions are. How much? Name your price. I'll pay anything for it!" 
The woman said "Come here, let me show you something" 
She took me back to the window and pointed to an adjacent island". 
"You see that island over there with the amazing resorts and rich neighbourhoods?" 
I said "Yes I do." 
She said "Well, If I had a pussy I could buy that too."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 28 September 2013

Lord Noel's Tips - for Shopkeepers

Whatto! Peeps....

Shopkeepers often stop me and say "Lord Noel.....are you intending to pay for that item?" So here are a few Top Tips for anyone running or thinking or beginning to run a shopping establishment.

1. Why not make your customers feel like criminals and con men by simply counting all the small change they have given you and examining any notes they tender by holding them up to the light before accepting them?

2. Electrical retailers....deter ram raiders by placing mirrors in your shop windows. When a criminal sees the sight of their own car hurtling towards them they will simply swerve to avoid a head on collision and crash into something else instead.


3. Camera retailers...when selling cameras to members of the public, always sell them two cameras by explaining that when they come to sell the camera they will need another camera with which to photograph the other camera with in order to create photographs for advertisements.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 27 September 2013

Lord Noel on Doctors Making a Pig's Ear of an Operation

Whatto! Peeps...

Earlier this year my friend Reginald lost his ear in a nasty farming accident. 
As luck would have it, it was quickly replaced using revolutionary new transplant methods....
...with a pigs ear.
The clever Surgeons cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place. 
When I saw it I was amazed at what a good job they'd done.
Several weeks passed before Reginald felt it necessary to return to his surgeons. 
When he did, Reginald complained, "Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in." 
The doctor, giving Reginald a thorough 'going over' asked for more information....
Reginald explained "It a sporadic noise that keeps reoccurring and it's only happened since you gave me this pigs ear!"
The Doctor put down is stethoscope and totally unconcerned, answered, "Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling."  

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 25 September 2013

Lord Noel's Tips - On How To Stay Married

Whatto! Peeps.....

I've certainly lost count of the number of times I've been asked "Lord Noel, how do you, and the wonderfully talented and beautiful Lady Jacqueline, manage to stay married... when so many others fail?"
And I like to respond to questions like that by telling this story which I was once told by a marriage guidance counselor friend of mine.
He told me...
"A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguments and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor (me). I made an appointment for them both and after they had talked for a while, I commented, “You both seem to have a lot of pent up aggression inside you, which is manifesting itself in very destructive ways. My suggestion is that you run five miles a day for a week. Then please call me back.”
A week later I received a call from the husband, “Well,” I asked (as their counselor) “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 23 September 2013

Lord Noel's Tips on How To Stay Ahead Of Your Neighbours

Whatto! Peeps....

As a highly succesful and immensely attractive person I am often asked "Lord Noel, how can we stay one step ahead of our neighbours?" Well, I have concocted a list of 'easy to achieve' creative solutions to your problem which I know you will enjoy implementing....but do it quick!....Before your neighbours get hold of it!.


1. It's easy to amaze your neighbours by simply threading clothes line through short sections of hosepipe, glued to the bottom of your shoes. Provided your laces are tied tightly you will be able to walk across the top of your clothes line - without falling orf!


2. You can easily stop nosey neighbours knowing which part of your house you are in by wearing soft soled shoes and thick woolen mittens and crawling slowly from room to room on all fours.


3. Make your neighbours think that you have been very sick by simply answering the door with diced carrots, rice pudding and Parmesan cheese smeared down the front of your top.


4. Fool your neighbours into thinking you are more popular than you actually by sending yourself hundreds of birthday and Xmas cards.


5. After providing an expensive slap up meal for your neighbours, why not save money by not using your expensive coffee maker but simply putting fresh coffee into a kettle of hot water. Then simply ask the guests to wear a stocking over their head whilst drinking to stop any of the bits getting into their mouths! Different denier can be used depending on whether you are using coarse ground or espresso coffee.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 19 September 2013

Lord Noel on 'Life'

Whatto! Peeps...

Life really is a puzzle. 
You turn it this way and that.....
....and then, just when you finally manage to solve it.....
.... some chap turns up with pins in his head....
....and steals your soul.

Tallyho! 
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 17 September 2013

Lord Noel's - Tips For The Lonely

Whatto! Peeps....

Sometimes I get lonely people writing to me, so to avoid any more letters like that I have written this list of things to make their life slightly more bearable.

1. Always keep a tin of brightly coloured red paint inside your car. That way, if you happen to witness an accident as you are driving along you can quickly pour it over yourself and pretend you were involved.

2. Divide your garden into a grid using small posts and lengths of string. You can now phone anyone in the world and describe to them your EXACT position, enabling them to plot it on a piece of graph paper in the comfort of their own home.

3. Each day of your life, make a detailed list of everything you do and then hand it in to your local Police station. Now, if a major crime occurs, officers can easily eliminate you from their enquiries.

4. Intelligent people always wear glasses. So to make yourself appear more intelligent simply use a spoon to make a red mark across the top of your nose.

5. Make your neighbours think you've bought an expensive snake such as a Python by going out into the back garden and simply placing a fork in your mouth and hissing loudly whilst wrapped up inside an old carpet.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 15 September 2013

Lord Noel's - Tramp Tips

Whatto! Peeps....
Many tramps were once quite talented people (like actors) so try your best to avoid them

I saw a programme on homeless people the other day and it made me mad! Why don't these so called 'homeless people' simply follow my simple tips to make life easier for themselves?

1. When your clothes get so dirty that they begin to smell quite heavily of bodily secretion, simply take them all into an Oxfam shop. You can call back later and buy a similar item for about 50 pence!

2. To avoid getting moved on all the time by Police, why not sleep outside large department stores? That way, if you car asked to move on you can simply explain that you are waiting for their sale to begin.

3. If you go to the supermarket only to find that you have no money on you, avoid embarrassment by using some tomato ketchup from the display to pretend you have a nose bleed. In this way you will be taken to the toilet by a member of staff and you can remain there until the store has closed.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 14 September 2013

Lord Noel On Reviving Genesis

Whatho! Pepys...
Yeah right!

That clever sausage Richard Dawkins has rewritten the beginning of the book of Genesis to make it more factually correct. Enjoy!

 1.These are the generations of man. In the beginning was deoxyribonucleic acid which begat more deoxyribonucleic acid, like unto itself.


2.And Lo, there were rays from the heavens, and mutation came to pass. And the deoxyribonucleic acid begat unicellular organisms, which we call prokaryotes. And there was variation amongst them, and competition, so that some thrived; but others vanished from the earth, which we call natural selection.

3.And prokaryotes multiplied upon the face of the earth: the true bacteria and also the mitochondria and the chloroplasts; and the archaebacteria. And the mitochondria and chloroplasts knew the prokaryotes, and they cleaved to one another. And together they begat the eukaryotes, which were nucleated cells. But the prokaryotes are the inheritors of the earth to this day.

4.Now the eukaryotes multiplied greatly, and they begat sixty or more lineages of protozoans, red algae, flagellates, ciliates, diatoms, brown algae, giardia, slime moulds, slime nets, red seaweeds and other wonderful creatures; but also they begat the opisthokonts, which is the name of the begetter of the creature that begat the plants, and which also begat the microsporidia and the fungi, and the choanoflagellates, and the metazoa, which we call animals.

5.And the plants and animals and fungi are close kin, and together they have departed from the other lineages.

6.The animals also knew each other in their day. Over the generations they divided amongst themselves and begat sponges and placozoa, and also the eumetazoa who are the comb-jellies, as well as the cnidarians that we call jellyfish, sea anemones, corals and hydra. And the eumetazoa had tissues and organs. And they also begat the bilateria, which are the same on the left and on the right and have three layers of cells, and among these are many worms, and we too are the children of worms.

7.Now the bilateria begat two great nations of worms who were the protostomes. These were the lophotrochozoa, which begat the molluscs, earthworms, leeches and their many kindred; and the ecdysozoa, which begat the roundworms and also the arthropods or insects, who are in number like the stars in the heavens. Among them too are spiders and crabs and their many kindred.

8.But also the bilateria begat the deuterostomes, whose anus is created through gastrulation before its mouth. And the deuterostomes are also in the likeness of worms. And we are of the deuterostomes, because when we are newly formed in our mothers’ wombs, yea, our anuses are open even before our mouths.

9.After some time, the deuterostomes begat the echinoderms which are the sea urchins and starfish and many others too; also the hemichordates; and the chordates, whose back is stiffened by a rod and who have a dorsal nerve. The chordates begat the generations of the urochordates and the amphioxus and lancelet; but also the chordates begat the vertebrates who have a spine.

10.And among the vertebrates are all the fishes: the hagfish and ostracoderms, which have neither skulls nor jaws, and the lamprey, which has a skull but no jaws. And there are many other creatures among the vertebrates, but also the gnathastomata, which have both a skull and jaws, as we do, being of a kin with such fish.

11.Now the gnathastomata begat many more fishes: the rays and sharks were of this kind. And after the generations some begat sarcopterygii, or lobe-finned fishes. The lobe-finned fishes divided too: some begat coelacanths and other creatures of the deep, but also there were terrestrial vertebrates, which were a miracle to behold, as they had limbs with digits and they could walk on land, verily as we do.

12.Among the terrestrial vertebrates were many stegocephalians, who have lungs and can hear; and also tetrapods, who have no inner gills, and also five fingers and toes on each limb. And the tetrapods begat the amphibians and reptilomorphs. As for ourselves, we are the children of the reptilomorphs.

13.The reptilomorphs divided among themselves and some begat amniotes. And of the amniotes there were reptilia, among whom were many of the dinosaurs, who later begat the birds. And a great rock came from the heavens, and a dark cloud passed over the earth. This was not the first great rock from the heavens, neither was it the last. And the dinosaurs passed away from the face of the earth, even as we shall.

14.But also among the reptilia were lizards, crocodiles and turtles. Moreover there were also amniotes called synapsids, who begat many creatures that sprawled like reptiles but were not of their kind. The synapsids in their day also begat the therapsids, who were like mammals but their young did not suckle. Yet therapsids also begat the mammals, whose young did suckle, and of such are we.

15.Of the mammals some begat monotremes, but others begat marsupials and placental mammals. The placental mammals were the eutheria and some begat anteaters and pangolins, hares and squirrels, pigs, and also whales who are close kin of the hippopotami, and others of their kind. Also they begat hedgehogs and tigers, and the ungulates, which we call boars and dolphins, aardvarks and rhinoceri, elephants and manatees, and great numbers of other creatures.

16.And some others of the eutheria went their way and begat bats, colugos and tree shrews. And we are among these, being very like tree shrews in our form and spirit, even unto this day.

17.Now the tree shrews begat primates, and the primates begat the lemurs and bush babies, who have nostrils like dogs, and the haplorhines, who do not. And the haplorhines begat the tarsiers and the anthropoids. And these anthropoids begat the new world monkeys and the catarrhines, who have narrow nostrils facing downwards. And the cattarhines begat the old world monkeys and the hominoids, and the hominoids begat the gibbons and the great apes.

18.Behold, the great apes begat the orang-utan and the begetter of chimpanzees, gorillas and hominids. And then the begetter of gorillas departed from the begetter of chimpanzees and hominids. After this time, the begetter of chimpanzees also departed, and left the begetter of hominids alone.

19.And the begetter of hominids, said unto herself and unto her mate (for she could speak): let us beget more hominids. And they begat homo erectus who begat homo sapiens, which is to say humankind.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Friday 13 September 2013

Lord Noel says "All Good Things Come To Those Who..........

Whatto! Peeps....

In the words of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius....

"Man who wants a pretty Nurse
....must be patient"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 12 September 2013

Lord Noel On Cosmetic Surgery

Whatto! Pepys....


Isn't Science wonderful?
These days we have the technology to reverse the superficial signs of ageing.
A very attractive female friend of mine decided to have a face-lift for her birthday.

She is someone to whom scarcity of money is not a problem so she spent £5,000 and after the initial recovery period felt really great about the final result.
One day she went into a beautiful restaurant for lunch, and at the end of the meal, said to the waitress

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" to which the waitress repled, "Oh you look about 29".
She was understandably thrilled to hear this response.

"I'm actually 47," she said, feeling really happy with herself.
On her way home she stopped at a newsagents to buy this months copy of Vogue but before leaving she decided to ask the sales assistant the same question, "About 32," was the reply.

"I am actually 47!" she replies with a broadening smile. This made her feel really good.
While standing waiting for a bus she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a womans age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
Maybe vanity had overcome her sensibilities at this stage but as there was no one around, the woman thought 'what the hell?' and let him slip his hand down her pants.
Two minutes later the old man says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned with incredulity and a little unhappy the woman said, "You're absolutley correct! That was amazing! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was standing behind you at the newsagents."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 10 September 2013

Lord Noel on "Signs That Say More"

Whatto! Peeps...


Signs continue to surround us...
...and sometimes I wonder just who put them there ...and why?
It's nice when a human being fights back against the rising tide of signage...
















Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 7 September 2013

Lord Noel's Thought For Today

Whatto! Peeps...

Having been educated in an all boys school I was somewhat awkward around people...
...who I like to refer to simply as 'women'...
It was my personal therapist who finally enabled me to conquer my fears once and for all...
...when I told him of my love for my very first girlfriend...
...Kylie!

He told me...
"Lord Noel...if you really, really, really love someone...
...then why not just show them?! 
(Though maybe save the shrine with the life-sized replica model for the second date)."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 6 September 2013

Lord Noel On Adulthood

Whatto! Peeps...

Someone told me today that I was very immature..
...and I said "Awwwwww! Look! My Middle finger likes you!"......
...and then they shouted at me to "Grow Up!"
...to which I replied....
...."Well guess who's not allowed inside my playhouse anymore?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 5 September 2013

Lord Noel on Notes to Self

 Whatto! Self........

"A very useful reminder Lord Noel!" - "Why thank you Lord Noel!"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Lord Noel's Advice to DIY Retailers

Whatto!......DIY retailers

The following advice is being given as a result of an incident which I witnessed with my very own eyes and I believe is the sort of thing which should happen a lot more often.
If a customer comes into your shop carrying a tin of leaking paint be immediately on your guard and very wary. The best action you can take is to refuse to give them any sort of refund and then explain to them that now they can easily find their way back to their car by simply following the fresh trail of spilled paint.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 1 September 2013

Lord Noel Goes To Church

Whatto! Peeps.....


I went to our local church on Sunday to try to catch up on some spiritual input...
...and see what it felt like to praise a Lord.
A teenager sat in the pew in front of me kept turning to her father and cooing "Do we have to stay here? Church is soooo boring!"
"Hey!" her father retorted "You be quiet and eat your Jesus!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel