Wednesday 29 February 2012

Lord Noel On Relationships

What ho! Pepys...

Stella was so happy that she had finally found a man she could look up to.
Sebastian was delirious because he'd found his perfect partner!
If only he could remember where he'd put her!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 28 February 2012

Lord Noel On Tao

What ho! Pepys...


Here's an excerpt aboout the amazing power of Tao:
Before heaven and earth there was something nebulous, formless yet complete;
Without sound, without substance, isolated, free from all form;
Standing alone and depending on nothing, unchanging, operating everywhere,
all pervading, revolving and without fail.
One can think of it as the mother of all other things.
I do not know its true name. I call it Tao.
"Way" is the by-name.
If forced to give it a name I can call it great (ta) .
Now such greatness implies reaching out in space, and also means functioning everywhere, or passing on;
Space-yielding or functioning everywhere signifies far-reaching. And passing on means going far away,
To go really far is to return to the original point. To reach far is a return. To go far away means to return.
So Tao is great and far-reaching, and so is heaven, earth and the king.
(I really don't think these mushrooms are working)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 27 February 2012

Lord Noel On Making A Profit At Any Cost


What ho! Humans...
Here's a short lesson on how to make loads and loads of lovely money!
My suggestion is that we create a Pharmaceutical company and then simply work towards a Society where people are completely dependent on our products. In an ideal scenario we could have medicines that make people even more sick so they need even more medicines.  This is called increasing profit margins or 'swelling the market'. By creating illnesses that require long term medicines to 'manage' the illness we can ensure greater long term profits!
Obviously repeat business from long term illnesses like Diabetes, Cancer, Sterility, and Alzheimer's are the ones we can make most money on. But it would help if various sympathetic laboratories accidentally released the odd virus into the environment from time to time.
Compulsory Vaccination is always a great opportunity to sell to the Government large stocks of untested medicine and to supply the panic buying that our scientific experts can create.
So far so good. We should always squash any information of alternative cures reaching people so they will be unable to seek any legitimate substitute for our drugs. We can easily threaten law suits to silence any lone dissenters and thanks to our generous grants for laboratories and educational establishments none of the Scientific community will ever rock the boat.  The same applies to Government officials and Politicians who are happy to accept our massive donations for their campaigns - and then help us in return by smoothing the way for more of our products to reach that ever-hungry market place.
Of course one problem remains! Believe it or not there are some members of the public who don't actually take any medicine! 
These people somehow need to be involved in being the newest consumers of our lucrative product range.
Wouldn't it be great if we could get to them by entering into their food supply? I know you're thinking "Well they already do! - MacDonald's KFC etc make processed foods that cause heart problems and obesity!"
Yes - but I'm talking about getting to the food source itself! If we could do that we have a real chance of engineering food products that can cause long term harm to everyone! Genetically Modified food products are easy to get into the market place and many of them aren't even labelled - so the customer need never know!
Think of the massive increase in our customer base that will give us!
And it all dovetails becutifully into our final solution.
You may think this sounds far fetched.
But thanks to Monsanto and others - it's happening right now!
Have a nice day!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Sunday 26 February 2012

Lord Noel On Putting Men Down

What ho! Pepys...
...Lord Noel here....

Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline in their VIP seats behind a go-go bar

My good Lady wife and I were at a Thai Boxing match the other evening...
...watching all the tourists with their very young Thai companions...
..and we got round to the subject of discussing men.....
....and I, being a man, am obviously an expert on that particular subject.
She was asking me about those odd occasions....
.... when a man needs putting 'in his place'...
....and we both agreed that ANY of these phrases would be highly effective......

1. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier'."

2. "He has a knack of making strangers immediately."

3. "He brings joy to others, when he leaves the room."

4. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

5. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored - he's the other one."

6. "He has a photographic memory, but has left the lens cover on."

7. "He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection."

8. "He has two brains: one is lost, the other is out looking for it."

9. "If he was any more stupid he'd have to be watered."

10. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

11. "It's really hard to believe that he beat a million other sperm."

12. "Some men drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he has only gargled."

13. "He would have to study for a month to pass a urine test."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel and Lady Jacqueline

Saturday 25 February 2012

Lord Noel - One Step Further

What ho! Pepys...


Bill Gates, the mega-rich Microsoft owner retired to do more 'charitable' work. 
But now he's BACK! ...and he's obsessed with destroying human sperm and depopulating the planet! 
That's why they're calling him Sperminator!
Much like the Terminator played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movies, the Sperminator is a highly-intelligent death machine that seeks to use high technology to destroy humanity's future.
When it comes to Bill Gates and his dehumanisation agenda, it's hard to even know where to begin: 
GMOs? Vaccines? Chemtrails? Genetically engineered mosquitoes?
Bill Gates has even funded a technology that can sterilise a human man by blasting his scrotum with a high-frequency ultrasound device. Bing! (http://www.naturalnews.com/028853_ultrasound_fetus.html)
Microsoft has also teamed up with Merck, becoming a global "drug development partner" with the world's larger vaccine manufacturer.
YES Folks! 
Microsoft is now in the Pharmaceutical business!
I can't wait until we start getting psychiatric drugs patented by Microsoft. Can you imagine the psychotic side effects of something like MS-Prozac? "Don't worry, you brain will reboot after it downloads and applies 47 update patches at the most inconvenient time imaginable. Do not drive, think or attempt any bodily functions during this process..."

The Sperminator says: Kill the humans!

 Microsoft's focus is gene-targeting technology that could be used to develop race-specific bioweapons that would kill only people of a certain race.
Then again, Bill Gates' depopulation agenda doesn't seem to be race specific... it's more like "Kill all humans" much like the Terminator in the first film. 
None of this is a joke, by the way. The cartoon may be satire, but Bill Gates' depopulation agenda is 100% true. This is a guy who openly admitted on stage in front of a live audience that if society does a "really great job" with vaccines and health care, we can "lower the population by perhaps 10 to 15 percent." Watch that video yourself right here:
http://tv.naturalnews.com/v.asp?v=A155D113455FAC882A3290536575C723

The Great Culling is upon us

One of the 'New Commandments' etched into the Georgia Stones monument (that's a reduction of 90% from current levels by the way)

The global depopulation agenda, you see, is hiding in plain sight. The people who are pushing to depopulate the planet are telling you right out in the open how they're planning on reducing your numbers.
VACCINES, get it? HEALTH care, okay? These are the new Orwellian words that Bill Gates and others use right in plain sight.
It's all a big IQ test to see if you're paying attention enough to save your own life and avoid being part of the "great culling."
Check out the new documentary, by the way, at: www.TheGreatCulling.org
DO NOT BE ALARMED!
Keep taking your Medication!
This is merely the start of the Final Plan for the New World Order!
A time for Illuminati everywhere to begin Celebrating!
You are in SAFE HANDS!
So keep taking your Vaccines, keep eating the Genetically Modified food that has been provided for you and keep drinking the Flouridated water - all of which will assist us in our Final Solution!
And don't forget to wave 'Bye bye!' to all those nasty sperms!.
Please don't spread the word, unless you want to stay alive and avoid being "depopulated" by vaccines, GMOs, chemical food additives and pharmaceuticals or most of all, avoid being "sperminated" by Bill Gates. 


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 24 February 2012

Lord Noel on New Business

What ho! Pepys...


As a local bastion of Entrepreneurship 
I love to advise and support any new start-ups in the area.
But I have advised my friends, Ethel & Nick 
not to go ahead with their new cleaning company 
'EthNick Cleansing'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 23 February 2012

Lord Noel Finally Finds A Christian Who Makes Sense

What ho! Pepys...


Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you. ”

― Christian D. Larson

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 22 February 2012

Lord Noel's Valentine Update


 What ho! Lovers...


 Still in lovely Thailand where I had a wonderfully romantic St Valentine's Day 
with my lovely wife Lady Jacqueline


The meal was fantastic! But dessert was my absolute favourite!


Lady J loved it too!


And we finished the evening orf by visiting a Karaoke bar full of very friendly young ladies!



Tallyho!
x x x
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 21 February 2012

Lord Noel Enjoys Dessert

What ho! Pepys...& Happy Pancake Day!


Yesterday I enjoyed a well known pudding named 'Spotted Dick'
but I accidentally spilt some Clearasil on it...
...and ended up with a plate full of dick.
Today is Pancake Day! It gives me the crepes but it's just ONE of the many
cake orientated Days we celebrate here in the UK!
We Brits also enjoy Chocolate Muffin Day, Jammy Scone Day, Ring Doughnut Day...
 and Type 2 Diabetes Day.
 I remember the time we found the face of Jesus in a pancake. It tasted divine.

 Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 20 February 2012

Lord Noel - NOT a Real Doctor

What ho! Pepys...


As a result of the continued NHS cutbacks
(which now includes the deliberate draining of resources
by members of the UK Government and their cronies)
I am being forced to provide an ongoing Medical Helpline Service
for those of you who are less fortunate than myself
You're Welcome!

Dear Lord Noel
I don't get out much
and when I do 
I'm afraid that I irritate the people that I meet.
You see.....I've got into an annoying habit 
of always introduces myself 
as 'Stephen with a ph'
Please, please can you help me?
(Stephen with a ph)

Dear Steven
Thank you for your letter.
You are definitely an irritating person.
I sensed that from the moment I started reading 
your very annoying message
and I have come to a conclusion as to what your problem is
...you're slightly acidic.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 19 February 2012

Lord Noel Stays Sharp

Whatto!


Temper a sword-edge 
to its very sharpest, 
and you will find 
it soon grows dull.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 18 February 2012

Lord Noel On Equality

What ho! Pepys...


Some people say to me "Great Britain has a dark and murky history which illustrates clearly that it's Rulers have been thieves and unscrupulous power hungry murderers and yet despite all this, there is still a Royal Family in existence which sits in Palatial residence, enjoying a lavish lifestyle at the expense of the taxpayer who help to fund their luxuriance without having any say in how the money is allocated or spent." and I say "Yes?" because I don't understand their point.


Often these are people who profess Republican desires for the United Kingdom clearly believing that their Republican alternative would be a radical departure from the existing time-honoured Monarchy.


But these so-called Republican Radicals cannot point to a single example of their own Utopia which is not filled with unscrupulous, power hungry and corrupt leaders vying for control.
I believe that Her Majesty is a vital figurehead who has stood the test of time and someone who acts as a spanner in the machine of establishments throughout the world.


As the Mother of the United Kingdom she could also be viewed as the human embodiment of Isis and the Virgin Mary...two entities which have been very unrepresented since the introduction of Patriarchal Christianity in which she also plays an extremely unusual role as head of the Church of England...


Which makes her the World's only female Pope!


It doesn't get more radical than that.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel




Friday 17 February 2012

Lord Noel on The So-Called Skill Of Advertising

Whatto! Peeps...

You are a true Original - just like all the others...

I know that the 'World of Advertising' is supposed to be 
a specialist occupation
but really people?....
...how hard can it be...
... when I have one smoke on someone's rollup 
and come up with this gem......for Hula Hoops

And if you're from Hula Hoops 
- please feel free to use this at not extra cost
 
Here it is:
Hula Hoops!...
"They Taste of Ring"

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 16 February 2012

Lord Noel's Workout

What ho! Pepys...


Here's my thought for today:

To become straight, let yourself look bent.
To become full, seem hollow.
Seem tattered now, that you can be renewed.
Those that have little, can get more,
To have plenty is to be confused.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 15 February 2012

Lord Noel Explains All You Need To Know About Armageddon

What ho! Pepys...


Now that 2012 is finally here an awful lot of negative stuff is being purveyed in relation to the imminent demise of Civilisation as we know it.
For once I have done some serious research for those truth seekers among you and have great pleasure in revealing some of my extraordinary finds.

As we know the last 2000 years have been slowly dominated by Religious groups - all of whom have Messiahs or Prophets who promise an afterlife for those willing to believe in them. An afterlife which we will all enjoy once we are dead! So the task becomes obeying the rules while we are alive so that we can benefit later. One only has to check out the Vatican City to see that this 'Pyramid scheme' has led to large profits for the Prophets and a great deal of power for those running each of these organisations.
But did you know that there are uncanny similarities between the various Prophets on offer?

Whether it's Osiris, Dionysis, Jesus, or Vishnu they all have the following striking similarities in common!

MALE MESSIAH
Have you noticed how few female Saviours there are?

VIRGIN BIRTH
For some reason humans insist that a Prophet cannot be born from anyone other than a Virgin

INFANT MASSACRE
The local Ruler tries without success to prevent the growth of the Divine One by ordering the slaughtering of all the new born in the area

PARENTS FLEE
They all receive a message to leave the area asap!

LOWLY BIRTH
They all start off in humble surroundings

VISITATIONS
Whether its Kings, Shepherds or Wise men - they get visited and adored

THIRTY
Relatively quiet life until they reach 30 when they get the 'Calling' to begin preaching

FOLLOWERS
They all have twelve fans who think they're great

LAST SUPPERS
Symbolic meals with followers often appear just prior to their departure

DEATH ON SAME DATE AS BIRTH
A definite pre-requisite for all 'genuine' Prophets - to die in order to save 'Mankind'

CRUCIFIXION
Have you seen how many of them met their end this way?!

RESURRECTION
A vital part of all Prophets existence is to overcome 'Death'.
 (Without this, nobody would follow Religion).


The Middle East - after the proposed US improvements?

The amazing thing is the numerous predictions of the 'End of Days' by Mayans, Jews, Christians and the like- all of whom predict a coming APOCALYPSE!

They talk about the rise in power of the Serpent, Lucifer, and the 'Horned One' taking over the World as we all follow this 'False Prophet' and turn away from their 'Authorised Saviour' who naturally becomes very angry and prevents us enjoying everlasting life in their very select 'Heaven'

This ties in nicely with current Conspiracy theories on a New World Order whereby we are told that one Religion will replace all those in existence currently and that we will be under one control.

One can very much believe this to be on the cards as computerisation makes possible Global communication and the prospect of a single world currency draws ever closer. However, part of the Illuminati scenario means  that 90% of the population of the world must be wiped out.

Understandably we are all told to fear this coming Armageddon with all the destruction and death that it brings. It seems to me that those crying out the most are those with very close links to Churches who knew all along that the New World Order was on the horizon and that their long reign would come to an end. They are now desperate to maintain their primitive stranglehold on Society by continually insisting that we don't 'turn away' from their Prophet who is (naturally) the TRUE Messiah or we risk 'Eternal Damnation'. Using the good old fashioned (tried and tested) 'Fear Factor' to try to hang on to control until the very last second. These are the same Authorities who tried to suppress important Scientific discoveries because they contradicted their teachings, scientific discoveries which could have helped society understand this world of ours much sooner.

But let me share with you another hypothesis.

Imagine for one moment the World BEFORE modern Religion.

We know that Saturn and the Sun were singled out for special treatment which shows great Astronomical knowledge of the so called 'primitive' people. 

Then I came across this amazing video which ties the whole thing into ASTROLOGY!
It seems that Religion is nothing more than a misinterpretation (deliberate or otherwise) of Astrology to give power to those humans touting these new 'Prophets'

This made great sense to me - especially when we read that Jesus had lots of other brothers and sisters that failed to get a mention in the Bible and that 'Saint' Paul (who was the person who wrote most of the Bible) never even MET Jesus! Jesus had died years before Paul came along. Paul wrote the whole thing from his frequent 'dreams' and also nominated HIMSELF as one of the Apostles!
In 2012 Astrology shows that physically the Sun finally moves from the 'House of Pisces' and into the 'House of Aquarius'. This is an observable fact that doesn't require the 'Blind Faith' that Religion has depended on for so long and it brings with it the 'End of Times' that they all now fear! It is arriving fast and it will bring an end to Organised Religion in all of it's current forms as people finally realise that it has had it's day and needs to be replaced by something more 'Sustainable' something less 'Patriachal' - something less 'Violent' and 'Confrontational' - and something that will allow us to all live in harmony together.
And that 'something' is Planet Earth!

Finally we will turn from all the Man made 'Idols' back to the sustaining power we can all see, touch, hear, taste and feel everyday - Mother Earth herself! This new belief system will be based on practical, scientific understanding with an emphasis on cultivating the soil caringly and returning nutrients for future growth in a way that modern farming methods have failed to do. No more promises of fantasy existences in a fictitious 'Afterlife' that no-one can even verify but an achievable 'Heaven on Earth' that we can all share and enjoy together now.

Nothing more - nothing less...
...just the superb beauty of Mother Nature that we can all learn to respect and live with - in harmony.
Despite the ultimate propect of a pollution free sustainable planet, it will be a tough journey! You will soon see what these people truly value when they reveal that they are prepared to sacrifice innocent human lives in order to further their own ends. Those with power right now won't relinquish it without a fight and will use their power to try to beat the rest of us into submission. Amongst those resistors I include the Church, the big Oil companies and powerful Genetic Modification companies like Monsanto - who make massive profits whilst raping the earth of its resources and leaving it battered and polluted. Thankfully, even their stronghold is weakening as people begin to see through the lies they have been hiding behind. We cannot rely on the Politicians who are far too cosy with big business, and we have to be wary of anyone attempting to take control of our water or food supply.

But we can each make a difference...
... if we spend a little more time getting to know the Earth and then start making decisions about what oil-based products we really, really need in our life.

Are YOU ready for change?
Because the time for change is arriving... very soon.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 14 February 2012

Lord Noel On Romance, Making Love and Sex

What ho! Pepys...


Lady Jacqueline and I happen to still be enjoying the tropical delights of Thailand on this - St Valentines Day!
It was wonderful to be able to lazily pull back the curtains in our bedroom this morning, throw open the balcony doors and look out over the palm and banana trees outside - with the bright sun's shimmering reflection on the turquoise sea in the distance.
Lady J opened her truly romantic card with poem inside...
...and unwrapped a skimpy little number which I look forward to seeing her in much later!
(I smuggled it out of the UK in my suitcase!)
We have a table booked on the beach at a top hotel this evening...
where we know that the food is simply fabulous...
..so romance is very much alive.... and kissing!
For some lucky people 
(my good Lady Wife for instance)
the act of making love is often a deeply emotional experience.
Unfortunately for a lot of men..
 ..this is not always the case.
In fact I only know one chap..
...who says that he always cries after sex. 
Mind you,

All the guys clubbed together to buy him a card - Every LIDL helps!
...he is in prison.

Tallyho!

We will look something like this tonight - only more up market!
Have a great one!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 13 February 2012

Lord Noels Schooldays

What ho! Pepys...



I remember only too well my schooldays
and the extremely strict 'Masters'
who swept through the classrooms waving their canes...
...dressed in long black cloaks like a bunch of Draculating Counts.
Giving us 'Detentions' in their Private Quarters
where we would be forced to undergo 'Starfish Inspection'
Well I am sorry to say that one day the bullying got so bad
(and me not being one of 'Teachers Pets' - I hadn't been given a 'safe word')
I decided I wasn't going to take it any more
...so I phoned the bullying helpline. 
A woman answered the phone and straight away said 
"Have you tried extortion supported by threats of violence?"
Things went a lot better after that.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 12 February 2012

Lord Noel And The Threat To World Peace

What ho! Pepys...


Interesting to see everyone jostling for position to invade Iran...
...the trigger for World War 3 and the Global annihilation which will ensue.
Well they have been such a threat to World Peace for so long....
...what with all their non-existent Nuclear weapons and Sovereign Government!
Invade NOW to prevent them using their invisible WMDs on innocent countries like Israel!
(It worked in Iraq)

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 11 February 2012

Lord Noel Introduces Yet Another Ancestor

What ho! Darwinians...


You’ve no doubt heard of our super-close relatives the Neanderthals? Of course. But did you know there are far more species of humans that went extinct? Yes! Like the tiny Floresiensis (perhaps the source of the 'Fairy' and 'Hobbit' stories?) There were 14 known species of human beings that are no longer with us! According to Scientists these creatures were all out-competed, possibly even murdered by homo sapiens (us!) and other human speciesor in some cases driven to extinction by rapidly changing climate conditions (Ooooh! Topical!).
The Peruvian Incas believed that we are currently in the 'Fifth Age' of mankind - with four previous 'Ages' which were each wiped out by a massive cataclysm!
(That reminds me af The Matrix!)
Anyway the recent find brings to the stage the newest addition to the group of known extinct 'humans' who are known as the 'Denisovans', the last of whom  lived approximately 30.000 years ago, at the same time as Neanderthal and modern humans roamed a similar region of Russia.
Their remains were found in a cave named 'Denisova Cave' around 10 years ago, and they were recognized as a new race of humans in 2010. Only a short while ago a group of German scientists mapped the complete genome (DNA sequence) of these extinct human beings from just a bone fragment from a little piece of finger, which was, together with a wisdom tooth, the only found remains of the Denisovans in the cave.

Honey! The Denisovans have just moved in next door!

With the full DNA sequence of Denisova Hominin, we can determine when and where our evolutionary lineages diverted and possibly see what these extinct humans were like. Read more about this remarkable achievement on Nature.com. Some Denisovian genes probably live on through interbreeding with modern humans, since it looks like modern-day Melanesians and Australian Aboriginals have some Denisovian left in them. More research is being done on a toe bone discovered in 2011. (Amazing what people leave behind!)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 10 February 2012

Lord Noel Says Fifty Is The New Twentyfive

What ho! Pepys...


Most of us reckon that we had the time of our lives in our teens and twenties.

After all, those years of freedom with few responsibilities and no worries are usually a whirl of parties, holidays and laughs.

But new research commissioned by Benenden Healthcare shows that we've got it all wrong – the typical 50-year-old is having more fun, is happier and more sociable than most people half their age.

A survey of 4,000 people aged 18-75 showed that 'nifty fifties' enjoy more nights out, travel further afield and catch up with friends more frequently than twenty-somethings.

Each week, a typical 50-year-old goes out twice and sees four friends. They also enjoy three weekends away during the year.

Twenty-somethings only manage one evening out a week, catch up with three friends and take two short breaks.

Half of the over-50s said their focus was on enjoying life to the full, compared with a third of those in their 20s.

A spokesman for Benenden Healthcare said: "Perhaps it's because people's priorities change over the years – with those who are older making time to do what they want, reflect on what they have or haven't done and play 'catch-up.'

"Twenty-somethings get caught in the stresses and demands of a job but in doing so let other parts of their life slip. The over-50s are setting the pace well ahead of their younger counterparts. Being 50 is definitely the new 25."


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 9 February 2012

Lord Noel Remembers Old Girlfriends

What ho! Pepys...
I could tell straigh away that Cynthia was someone who needed to unwind
I will always remember exactly the first time I saw Cynthia...
..she was one of my first girlfriends...
...and always so punctual.
I could set my watch by her.
We met when we were both into Speed Dating...
a system which I can say with complete certainty...
...offers a distict advantage to those who suffer...
...from Premature ejaculation.
I wanted to be with her so I could find out what made her tick...
...and it was during our first date that she confided in me... 
...that she desperately wanted a man with a big clock.
I was definitely her man!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 7 February 2012

Lord Noel On Mother Nature

What ho! Pepys...


There are many reasons why we should stop trying to control Mother Nature 
and leave her to do what she thinks best.
Here's a True Salutary Lesson to illustrate my point....

To treat a malaria outbreak in Borneo in the 1950s,
the World Health Organization (W.H.O) sprayed DDT to kill mosquitoes. 
But the DDT also killed the parasitic wasps which were controlling thatch-eating caterpillars.
As a result, the thatched roofs of many homes fell down,
and the DDT-poisoned insects were eaten up by geckoes,
which were in turn eaten by cats.
The cats perished from the poison they consumed by eating the geckoes, which led to the multiplication of rats, 
and then outbreaks of sylvatic plague and typhus.
To put an end to this destructive chain of events, 
W.H.O had to parachute 145,000 live cats into the area to control the rats.

Now...Tell me again - who knows best?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Eltonicus Oldfarticus'

What ho! Pepys...

Due to his continued and very vocal insistance...
that he can "Remember when rock was young"...
Scientists have been forced to recalculate their previously 'estimated' age...
...for Elton John.
Geologists now believe that he must have actually been alive...
...for over four billion years!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 6 February 2012

Lord Noel Gives FREE Relationship Advice

What ho! Pepys...

Today my bulging 'In Box' has leaked out this missive 
from a concerned viewer...
" Dear Lord Noel...
I bought my wife in Thailand..
and it's somewhere I can recommend...
if you are looking for a REAL bargain.
But, of late, I have become increasingly concerned.
You see, my wife isn't like other women...
...for a start she's got a moustache, and a penis.
What should I do?
Yours frottingly
Anita Shyt"


"Dear Anita.... 
Your new wife sounds very much 
like a lot of Thai woman I've come across.
My wife Lady Jacqueline is also a typical woman....
....but in a slightly different way....
...for example I bought her a microscope for her birthday 
the first thing she said to me was...
"Will my bum look big in this?
How we laughed.".

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 5 February 2012

Lord Noel On The Slave From The Grave

What ho! Pepys...


Were your ancestors one of the 12,000,000 slaves shipped to America between the 16th  and 19th Centuries? Then you'll be proud to read this letter from Jourdon Anderson to his 'Old Master' who apparently asked him to return to the plantation to work after the end of the American civil war. It first appeared on the brilliant website lettersofnote and was put together with the help of a lawyer but still the character and dignity of the man shines brightly through...


Dayton, Ohio,

7 August, 1865

To My Old Master, Colonel PH Anderson, Big Spring, Tennessee

Sir,

I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jourdon, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you long before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin's to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable. Although you shot at me twice before I left you, I did not want to hear of your being hurt, and am glad you are still living. It would do me good to go back to the dear old home again, and see Miss Mary and Miss Martha and Allen, Esther, Green, and Lee. Give my love to them all, and tell them I hope we will meet in the better world, if not in this. I would have gone back to see you all when I was working in the Nashville Hospital, but one of the neighbors told me that Henry intended to shoot me if he ever got a chance.

I want to know particularly what the good chance is you propose to give me. I am doing tolerably well here. I get twenty-five dollars a month, with victuals and clothing; have a comfortable home for Mandy – the folks call her Mrs Anderson – and the children – Milly, Jane, and Grundy – go to school and are learning well. The teacher says Grundy has a head for a preacher. They go to Sunday school, and Mandy and me attend church regularly. We are kindly treated. Sometimes we overhear others saying "Them colored people were slaves" down in Tennessee. The children feel hurt when they hear such remarks; but I tell them it was no disgrace in Tennessee to belong to Colonel Anderson. Many darkeys would have been proud, as I used to be, to call you master. Now if you will write and say what wages you will give me, I will be better able to decide whether it would be to my advantage to move back again.

As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost-Marshal-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Add to this the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for our clothing, and three doctor's visits to me, and pulling a tooth for Mandy, and the balance will show what we are in justice entitled to. Please send the money by Adams's Express, in care of V Winters, Esq, Dayton, Ohio. If you fail to pay us for faithful labors in the past, we can have little faith in your promises in the future. We trust the good Maker has opened your eyes to the wrongs which you and your fathers have done to me and my fathers, in making us toil for you for generations without recompense. Here I draw my wages every Saturday night; but in Tennessee there was never any pay-day for the negroes any more than for the horses and cows. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud the laborer of his hire.

In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Milly and Jane, who are now grown up, and both good-looking girls. You know how it was with poor Matilda and Catherine. I would rather stay here and starve – and die, if it come to that – than have my girls brought to shame by the violence and wickedness of their young masters. You will also please state if there has been any schools opened for the colored children in your neighborhood. The great desire of my life now is to give my children an education, and have them form virtuous habits.

Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.

From your old servant,

Jourdon Anderson


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 4 February 2012

Lord Noel Thinks U C4N R34D 7H15

What ho! Pepys...


7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N'7
R3AD 7H15.
7H3 4M4Z1NG M1ND! 
 


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 3 February 2012

Lord Noel On The Pope

Whatto! Peeps...

Pope waving from his 'Pope Plane' to all the Catholic Dolphins (they're the ones NOT using condoms)

Here are a couple of facts about The Pope which I think should be put right.
1. Many people say John Paul was a decent Pope...
...but I much preferred him when he was in the Beatles.
2. The Pope says that The Beatles weren't bigger than Jesus!
(Ringo was standing on a box).
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 2 February 2012

Lord Noel on Honest Advertising

What ho! Pepys..



In an effort to try to make the public trust the Government more...
(an uphill struggle for ANY Politican)
...they are enlisting the services of a brand new 'Ethical Agency'
who are world reknowned for 'Telling it like it is'
I applaude this Governments attempt to try to allay many ordinary people's fears
(and a few extraordinary fears - like mine)
by engaging the services of these Ethical Advertisers
They are, after all, the Agency who rebranded the common 'Bagel'
as the 'Edible Wheat Anus'
and common-or-garden 'Milk'
as 'Cow Tit Juice'
As far as I'm concerned - The Government for once 
has made the right decision.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Lord Noel Reads The Tabloids

What ho! Pepys...


I've just read an article in a well known daily tabloid newspaper
about a footballer's wife. 
She was having sex in a car park 
with the man who had also been paid to spy on her! 
Sounds like a clear case of the wag dogging the tail...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel