Sunday 29 April 2012

Lord Noel On The Illusion Of Choice

What ho! Pepys...



We all seem to love going shopping to indulge in a spot of 'Retail Therapy'. 
And the great thing is that there's so much out there to chose from...
or is there?
The picture above shows how pretty much all of the market today 
is controlled by only ten major companies who are big enough and powerful enough to make sure that we are all protected from other, less powerful rogue businesses.
It shows which businesses are connected and why, for instance you won't be buying a Coke at a TacoBell.
At least now you know you have a choice.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 26 April 2012

Lord Noel on Learning More

What ho! Pepys..

Even whilst I'm away I continue to get enquiries from concerned members of the pubic...

"Dear Lord Noel...
I like to think of myself as a rather amusing character...
and I often get the old folks on the bus giggling...
...thanks to my massive ostrich feather.
I think it's nice to be in touch with the older generation.
But I have realised recently 
that I would to go a lot further with the old folks 
than mere tickling.
My recent Court Order prevents me following my original plan so now I am going to try Plan 'B' which is where
I would like to come across as a much more intellectual personage.
I know that you are a very clever and witty man and wondered if there is there any advice you can give me?
Years ago I used to read lots of philosophy puns...
....but then I just stopped after reaching a Plato.
Please help
Yours limply
Drew Peacock"



"Dear Drew....
You could certainly become more intellectual 
by reading more books.
But it's important not to waste your invaluable time 
reading the wrong books.
With this in mind I would suggest that you try reading
'My Life in Garbage' by Phil Theegit..
.... it's a littery masterpiece."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 23 April 2012

Lord Noel Fought The Law

What ho! Pepys...


I often find myself wondering why we need lawyers.
Everywhere one turns there are laws, and whenever there are stupid laws...
...there are, thankfully, some sensible lawbreakers.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have absolutely nothing to lose.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese into a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the pubic hair on the toilet seat

The Law of Legal Rights
You have the right to be stupid, just don't abuse the privilege.

The Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever leaves the fan after hitting it will not be evenly distributed.

The Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him.. keep the house

(Why all lawyers are hated in the first place.)


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday 22 April 2012

Lord Noel Meets Another Cool Dude

What ho! Pepys...


Last night we went to the cafe area of the Rainbow Lodge where we are currently residing, and had a lovely Malaysian meal. Lady J had chicken in fried rice and I had a similar thing which was wrapped in an omelette. Delcious! Each dish was only 8 RM each (£1.60)


At 10pm we headed for the beach and went to a little beach bar called 'Little Lylias' where there was an amazing guitarist playing and singing jazz versions of Pink Floyd and Bob Marley. He did a version of The Wall (part2) that just blew us away and all he had as accompaniment was another guy on a conga drum. At one point they were joined by the Boss who owns the place and he sang a few songs too. 


The thunder and lightening just added to the cosy effect as the rain poured down and the remaining customers settled themselves down for a long drink under the palm leaf roofs of the bar as the music continued late into the night.

One of the pieces of art at Little Lylia's


It turns out the Boss is an architect working in London who has also designed stage sets for Glastonbury and is running this bar as his retirement plan. He also does great artwork which is spread around the place. The thing I love about journeys like this is meeting new people. Especially when they're as cool as this guy.


If you get the chance you should definitely go along to Little Lylia's and go meet the Boss.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday 21 April 2012

Lord Noel's Postcard From Langkawi

What ho! Pepys...
 

If you go to Langkawi you will need to be able to get about to explore the island. Motorbikes are popular but a little car like this will give you more comfort and it also has a noisy air con which you can shout over.
One of the places we headed for was 'The Oriental Village' which doesn't look very Oriental to me. This is a brand new tourist village of shops and cafes built as a visitor attraction. We went to one cafe which has a glass wall inside it and outside is a walled yard was a massive Tiger! I think it's at 'K1' on the map but there's something stuck over the wording. Of course where it says 'You are here' that's obviously referring to me - not you.



We headed next to the 'Childrens play area' where Lady J noticed these furry little creatures and in no time at all she was buying a small bag of sliced carrot and getting in amongst them all. They were very excited to see her (and her carrots) and soon she was totally surrounded by them with their little claws grabbing at her legs and she was shrieking out for mercy. I boldly continued to photograph the whole incident as it unfolded.


I continued photographing, even when the obvious ring leader of the gang suddenly rounded on me, leaping up at my camera, to steal my watch, wallet and car keys.
 I reported the whole traumatic event to security and the ring leader was identified from the photograph I had bravely managed to take whilst the attack was in progress!



After a while we regained our composure enough to want to carry on, and sought out the famous cable car ride. You can read more about the ride here but it's basically in several parts so when you finally get right to the top (which is over 700 feet above sea level) it gives you an amazing view of the island.

Ground level 





This next picture shows the walkway. Lady J found it a bit too much for her liking and headed back to a steadier platform.
The reason it feels odd is because the walkway is made of lots of thin concrete slabs that are balanced at each end on metal supports. Some of the slabs move when you stand on them and you can also see down through the gaps between them which makes it even worse - or better if you like that sort of thing.







The amazingly bright sunshine made it nearly impossible to take this photo, and despite the altitude it was still ridiculously hot up there but the views are just too good to miss. It only costs about 30 Rm (about £6 each) and it really is well worth every penny.
Afterwards we headed back down to the relief of the air con in the car and drove back to our hotel.


And the welcome refreshment of a local drink...

Yes..... Kickapoo Joy Juice! There's nothing quite like it

Then we had a nice meal and headed out onto the beach to watch another Malaysian sunset.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 20 April 2012

Lord Noel Says It's Time To Round Up The Culprits

What ho! Pepys...


A recent study published in the Journal of Toxicology in Vitro has found that, even at very low levels, Monsanto's herbicide formula Roundup destroys testosterone and ultimately leads to male infertility. The findings add to the more than 25 other diseases known to be linked to Roundup, which include DNA damage, birth defects, liver dysfunction, and cancer! And this product is still available and being used by Farmers and gardeners throughout the world!.

For their study, Emilie Clair and her colleagues from the Universite de Caen Basse-Normandie Institute of Biology in France tested the effects of glyphosate, the active ingredient in Roundup, on testicular cells from rats. Ranging in dilution from one part per million (ppm) to 10,000 ppm, which accounts for varying exposure levels in real life situations, each of the tests revealed undeniable cell toxicity caused by Roundup.

Interestingly, the findings revealed that even at one ppm, Roundup was responsible for causing severe endocrine disruption that reduced testosterone levels by 35 percent. And a one ppm exposure level is considered to be extremely low, and much lower than typical exposure levels in everyday environmental situations.

At higher exposure levels, Roundup was shown to induce testicular cell death in a little as one hour, and typically no later than 48 hours after exposure. And this is only acute toxicity, as the study did not analyze the long-term effects of continual and repeated exposure to Roundup, which has already been shown to seep into our rivers and groundwater supplies which is happening on a daily basis.

Another study published in the journal Reproductive Toxicology back in 2007 found similar results. In vivo tests with Roundup revealed that the ducks exposed to Roundup exhibited "alterations in the structure of the testis and epididymal (a part of the male reproductive system) region as well as in the serum levels of testosterone and estradiol, with changes in the expression of androgen receptors restricted to the testis."

So contrary to the claims made by Monsanto, there is truly no safe exposure level to Roundup. At typical exposure levels, it has been proven to destroy human cells and cause serious reproductive harm. And at trace levels, it has been proven to severely disrupt proper hormonal function and lead to low testosterone in men.

"Because it's a systemic pesticide and sprayed in high doses, produce and fruit and nut trees often take up the poison into the parts of the food we eat," writes Leah Zerbe in a recent Rodale News piece on Roundup. "Three easy ways to reduce your exposure? Eat organically grown foods ... [a]dopt organic lawn care techniques in your yard, and start an organic garden to further reduce your exposure to harmful chemicals."

This is a gardening and Farming product which is widely used throughout the World!

Hardly surprising that Protestors were out in California recently where they managed to shut down Monsanto offices.
 http://www.naturalnews.com/035348_Monsanto_protest_California.html

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Friday 13 April 2012

Lord Noel on Facing the Naked Truth

What ho! Pepys...



I was out walking in the big City with my good Lady wife
when we bumped into my favourite stripper.
She and I glanced at each other and smiled
and I said a very pleasant "Hello my dear" to her
as I carried on walking with Lady Jacqueline.
My wife then turned to me 
and asked "Lord Noel, do you know that woman?" 
...and I replied "Barely."


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday 5 April 2012

Lord Noel Uses His Loaf

Whatto! Peeps...


People often wonder why Supermarkets are allowed to come to small towns like ours...
...destroying local businesses by undermining them with there low pricing structure.
But sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.
We have a local baker operating on our High Street - a French chap called Claude...
...who prefers to be know as a 'Boulanger'
I bought a loaf of bread from there once
only to find that it smelt absolutely dreadful.
I took it straight back to the shop and complained to the staff there...
...who said "That's the fourth loaf that's been returned today for the same reason...
...it's because the Baker has smelly hands"
I was shocked and alarmed by the reason just given
and asked incredulously "Why did the baker have smelly hands?"
And the assistant replied "Because he kneaded a poo".
I am sooooo sorry if you're having a meal as you read this!
Perhaps I should have warned you in advance - but I didn't so it's too late now.
Anyway...
You can imagine how enraged this piece of information made me...
 and I immediately went behind the counter,
barging the assistant to one side
and forcing my way through to the business end of the bakery...
...where I suddenly came face to face with 'Boulanger Claude'.
My training and instincts suddenly took over and I found myself tweaking both his nipples hard between my thumbs and forefingers!
He screamed in agony as my torture continued and then I shouted straight at him
"That's for not washing your hands you filthy frog!"
and then I added...
"And if you are really a 'Boulanger' as you claim...
...you should be no stranger to pain!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday 4 April 2012

Lord Noel Enters The Space Age

Whatto! Peeps.

I don't mind what you do to me - just keep away from my Death Star


Those of you who are avid Star Wars fans
will be pleased to know
that in a recent Poll amongst Star Wars aficionados
The vote for the 'Sexiest Droid of All Time'
was CThroughPO.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday 3 April 2012

Lord Noel In A Circle

What ho! Zenists...


The ways of men are conditioned by those of earth.
The ways of earth, by those of heaven.
The ways of heaven by those of Tao.
Tao in turn models itself after Nature. 


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday 2 April 2012

Lord Noel's Globalist Letter

What ho! Pepys...


One of my pals from the very top sent me this lovely letter. I think it makes things quite clear...




Letter From The Illuminati
 

Dearest Lord Noel & Citizens of the World,

Having read some of your recent entries I believe the time has now come for me to reveal to you and your readers the reason for some of the perplexities you have faced in recent decades. It is well for you to understand some of these things so that you might know how to behave in the emerging New Order. We want you to be able to become fully involved and integrated into our new society. After all, it is in your own best interests for you to do so.

First of all you need to understand some of our purposes so that you may more fully cooperate. The days of putting a stop to us have long since past. We now have full control of the earth and its finance, along with the major media propaganda, and powerful industries. There is simply no way any nation or power can defeat us. We have eyes in every level of government in every nation of the world. We know what is being planned, for our ears and eyes are ever present. State secrets are fully known to us.
Consider the President of the United States. Even though he regularly breaks every known check on his power, no one can stop him. He goes ahead and does whatever we want him to do anyway. Nobody has the power to stop him. At any time we can place our carefully selected and proposed leader before you and you will vote for what we want. In that way we give you the vain voting exercise in the belief you had something to do with placing your president in office. We remove presidents when we are ready and the leader we set up will be there until it serves us to have another. This is what we call True Democracy. You cannot take us to court because you can't see us and the courts are our servants as well. We run everything, so you do not know who to attack. We rule the world and the world cannot even find out who is ruling them. In our media we present before you the truth we want you to believe.

We will continue to send troops anywhere for whatever purpose we like, and they will dutifully go about our business. We can make the people of any country desire to leave their homes and family and go to war merely at our command. We only need to present you with something that you fear and you run to the Government we control to make it go away.

There have been some attempts at 'Resistance' but we have ways of making 'Resistors' look ridiculous by releasing information about them that smears their reputation for life and takes years to resolve, by which time we've isolated them financially - and without our money they simply fade away. If you use violence, you will end up as a customer in one of our many prison industries. 

You need our money, our entertainments, our fuel, and our utilities to function and if you don't have them, you feel deprived. By this, you are made to yield to our will. Speaking of money, we have taxed you and used that money to make sophisticated weapons that you can never compete with. Your own money has served to forge the chains we bind you with, since we are in control of all the money. Some of you think you may escape by going 'off the grid' but let me remind you that you must still pay us ground rent and property taxes, and it all comes back to us. You see, you need money no matter what you do. If you fail to pay your ground rent to us, we will take your land and sell it to someone who will pay us. But look on the bright side!... with your ground rent we pay for the indoctrination of your children in the schools we have set up. We want them to grow up well trained into the system of our thinking. Your children will learn what we want them to learn, when we want them to learn it, and you will pay for it through your tax.
Your teachers and ministers have been forming your thoughts for us for generations now. If they do not show up for school indoctrination, we can have your children confiscated. You will be guilty of neglect, so you are thereby, giving them to us. Your children are not yours anyway. They are ours. So we will inoculate them by bringing them to our hospitals when we decree or we will take them from you. Through our electronic commerce we are able to see where you are, what you are buying, and how much you have to buy things with.  Soon we will be implanting each newborn with electronic devices so we can track them for life and they can play a more active role in our New World Vision.

The Internet is an illusion of Freedom for you to enjoy and for us to know how you think and what you say to others. It is not important to us what you believe as long as you go along largely with what we say. Your beliefs are what we tell you to believe anyway. You may even think you have a 'following', and if we perceive that you might be somewhat dangerous to our agenda, we have ways of dealing with you, and don't forget that within that 'following' there will also be some of us. We have a Pandora's box of mischief with which to snare you. We can have you in court so long you will never get out. We can easily drain away all your assets over one pretext or another. We have an inexhaustible fund of tax money with which to draw from to pay our lawyers. Did I mention 'win win'? Well there's also a 'win lose'. We know how to divide and conquer. Have we not brought down rulers of countries through our devices?

We also run Hollywood. The movies were simply created to get you thinking according to our directions. You have been made to delight in violence so that when we send you off to kill our enemies, you act without a whimper. We have placed violent arcade games in your malls to prepare the young minds in the art of battle. We have made you view our armies and police as the good forces and so you submit to things that were unthinkable just a few decades ago.  Have you noticed an increase in Armageddon style movies? This is all being done according to our plan.

Sex and violence are powerful allies to us and help us to gain our advantage. How the people loathe to give up their sex and violence. It keeps them so occupied they do not have the integrity or brain power to deal with other matters which are left entirely in our hands. We have gained much valuable power by blackmailing foolishly indiscreet individuals. We have also found that a continual supply of narcotics can help to speed things along. It's helpful that we control all the Pharmaceutical industries and the illicit drugs through our contacts in the Ministry of Defence.


There is only one side now with all kinds of masks on, but you will be unable to penetrate our purposes. You see, we can now do whatever we like and you can do nothing about it. You cannot be liberated, except by us. Imagine how you can. We supply your fuel for your cars. We can turn it off whenever we like claiming that there is some sort of fuel shortage. You cannot even get parts for your car without us. We supply all the money you use. At any whim of our desire we can stop the money supply or cause a complete crash all together. We can then order the Leaders to declare all money worthless and that we will have to have new money, which we will be more than happy to provide. All of your stashes of cash will go up in smoke in a moment. But we want you to remain a part of this system because when you are buying a house, we not only receive the tax revenue to use for our purposes, but we gain large increases from the interest on the loan. In this way you may pay for your house two or three times over from the interest alone.

You only have food because we have provided it to you from our table. During the Great Depression (the good old days) we controlled all the food and gave you ration books to claim your megre share. We heaped mountains of food behind fences and let it rot. The hungry were then made to work in our labour camps even though there was more than enough to feed them. In the coming times of great hardship we will control the entire food supply once more.

Some of you think you can hoard gold coins to secure some wealth but we will simply pass a law which outlaws the possession of gold as we have done in the past and you instantly become a Criminal. If we find gold in your possession, we will simply confiscate it and put you in prison for breaking the law. While in prison you would be required to work in one of our many prison industries. We have so formed a picture of the labour camps in our prisons these days that no one seems to object to them. We tell people that murderers should pay for their own keep. We also have the power to put tomato growers there too. We can pass laws that prohibit gardens and produce scientific evidence why you may only buy food from our sources. If you are found growing any tomato, you will be reported and then we will have you in our fields working for us. 

We will continue to use the nations for what we want to use them for - the raw materials of the Earth. Every Ruler knows that they must yield to us or die. In the meantime we profit from the weaponry sold in their futile wars. That is why we love it when you rebel and blow something up. You give us our reason for making more laws against all those things which might have otherwise contributed to your freedom from us. If someone did not blow something up on occasion, we would have no justification in placing more walls about you. Sometimes we even have to blow things up ourselves. Can't you see how impossible it is for you to resist us? The more you wriggle, the more we squeeze. Our kingdom is the kingdom of money. Excuse me, but I must confess that we are also the rulers of the kingdom of non-money.

You must see the humour in that statement. We have given you a piece of paper or some numbers on a computer screen that we have termed money. It is backed up by nothing but what we say it is. We create it from nothing, we print it, we loan it, we give it its value, we take its value away. Everything to do with money is in our hands.

Think of it, what is it that you can do against us without money? If you try to resist, we can cancel your credit or freeze your accounts. Your cash is easily confiscated. We have made so many rules in the realm of living that you cannot live without money.

We have decided that you are now in a time of continual War. This situation benefits us considerably and allows us to operate under virtual martial law. Now there is only one war crime and that is the crime of being against us. Anyone against us is therefore violating our law. As you have seen when someone is for us we do not care what they do. We can make heroes of terrorists and villains of heroes. We observe no laws when it comes to war. We do what we want, when we want, and where we want. We can starve nations to death, we can ruin civilians and any other horror for which we would take our enemies to court, and we can make it look like it's the fault of someone else. Leaders of the world tremble at our presence because they know they have no power except the power we give them. We no longer even have to cover our tracks because the entire world is in a deliberate state of continued confusion.

You have no idea how to pull out of our influence short of suicide, but you know that will only help us to deal with the excessive population problem. So by now you will know that you have no choice but to obey and follow our orders. Which is why we thank you for your attention and remind you that, for now, we really do want you remain part of this system, so keep drinking the water.


Sincerely,
Your Globalist Friend

.....................................................................................................................................................

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel