Friday, 9 December 2011

Lord Noel Gets What He Wants

Whatto! Peeps...


Today I went to the library 
and asked if they had any books 
They said "Yes we have"
Oh how I laughed...
and they said "Ssssssshhh!"
And then I told them 
(in a whisper)
that I wanted a book on WD-40. 
They told me to check out 
Non-Friction.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Lord Noel Gets Attacked!

What ho! Pepys....


Last night I went walking alone under the full moon...
along the Weavers way.
The fierce wind was howling through the branches in the trees all around me...
and suddenly I was attacked by a huge snarling, hairy creature!
I was extremely shaken up by this incident...
...but luckily not harmed.
All it did was steal my sandwich box.

I think it was a...
tupperwarewolf.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Lord Noel Says 'Haypee Byrthdaye To Mee!'

What ho! Pepys...


Yet another year has passe'd...
...and as someone lucky enough to have been born under the starsign of Ophiuchus...


...I'm pleased to report that some extra memories have been added to the old rocking chair...
Things that I've said and done....


...pleasures I've derived just from being alive...
...people I've offended just by being alive...(Fuck them!)


...people whose company I've really enjoyed....
...and people whose company I've really missed...


Laughs I've been involved in...
...experiments I've undertaken...(not the clinical one's - they're awful!)


...Music I've composed...
...and things I've made with my own soft, hairy hands....


Some of them rather delicious!
...like the red wine I'm drinking right now...


...which also became a requested 18th Birthday present for my neice...
...(who used to shit her pants whenever I tickled her - by the way)


So we travel onwards and upwards!...
...as Xmas approaches and we celebrate the new sun being born...


...and January...which brings the 'new year' for those following the standard Calendar...
...and Thailand for those studying the 'Lord Noel' calendar....


...(Featuring January, February and March as topless months).
2012 was supposed (according to NASA)...


...to be the year of the massive Solar flare which wipes out civilisation as we know it...
...but that's now been rescheduled for 2013...


Which gives us extra time to eat drink and party!
...and enjoy every sodding Birthday we get!


Who know's what tomorrow might bring?
Oooooh! A Birthday Card?
Sweet Dreams everyone!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 5 December 2011

Lord Noel Joyneth Ye Masquerade

What ho! Pepys...

In my search for continued stymulation of the mind...
...I have to confess...
...that a burning desire has arisen within me of layte...
...to be in attendance at a maske'd ball.


Thus I am please'd to report that we hath attended a Maquerade... 
...being several in number...
...and all suitablee attyred




Beforehand I hath partaken in much reseayrch to discover the histoire of this practice.
...which doth intrigue and fascinate me much.


For is not thye anonymity preserve'd?...
...amongst a gatherying of comely strangers together in the darkening nyght...?

...for all to drink and make merrie until the wee small hours?..
...vouchsafe'd in the knowledge that thy identity wilst remain a secret?
Why...any number of indyscretions cud easily befall a bedfellow such as I...
...in such cyrcumstances!


Which be why......
....the Carnivals were so popular.

 
One mask that fascinates me in particular is called the 'Bauta'
and is the first mask developed in 1800 Century 
to completely hide the wearer's identity and social standing...
(although it was usually only the rich who could afford such finery).
 

The Bauta is designed to be worn together with a Tricorn and a hooded cloak....
...a look which I am particularly fond of... 


...the mask itself covering the mouth...
...but with a convenient outward pointing triangular shape....
... so that the wearer could continue to safely eat and drink...
..without having to remove it and thus reveal their true identity.







Now....here's a portrait of a place called the Ridotto...
Study it for a moment...
...and be transported back in time...


Notice the profusion of Bauta's?
The Ridotto started off as an illicit private room within a Palace...
where members could drink, eat, gamble and fornicate...
...at their leisure...

 
It eventually became better known as a 'Casino'.
Which led to it's participants frequently being imprisoned as Debtors.

There are many other styles of mask worn by today's Carnival goers....
 









...although many of these Traditionally based on the original Masquerade designs...

...but the other one I also like...
...is the one pictured to the right of the Bauta in this next picture


It is known as the 'Medico Della Peste' or 'Plague Doctor's' mask.


It is one of the most bizarre but recognisable of the Venetian masks 
with it's long beaklike protuberance. 


 The 'Doctor'...
(and many of them were merely Tradesmen prior to getting this terrible job) 
..developed a herbal blend of salts and aromatic plants...
(usually rosemary, garlic and juniper) 
...which was packed into this 'beak'



...as it was believed that the smell would keep the bubonic plague away...
...and thus protect the wearer.
It was the same belief that encouraged people to empty their privy's out into the street...
...as they believed the plague couldn't withstand the smell of the excrement dumped there...
(a kind of misguided early attempt at disinfectant)
The job of Plague Doctor was thus not a Profession...
...in which one could expect to live very long.
...................

Whilst many of these pictures show the masks in daylight...


...it's easy to imagine them in the darkened rooms of candlelit buildings...
...where they will take on a much more 'menacyng ayre'.

A fasciniating and powerful scene from an infamous film

But isn't that all part of the intrigue?
It's nice to see that the demand for masks is still alive and well!
So 'Long live The Masquerade!'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel &c

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Lord Noel on Economyc Recovery

What ho! Pepys...

In these uncertain times...
...I would like to reassure people that what is taking place all over the world...
...is perfectly normal!
It's something that NEEDS to happen...
...for the 'common good'.
The 'Economic Cycle' as it is so aptly named...
...has a tendency to reoccur periodically.
That is the nature of 'cycles'.
And lo!...it is happening again - as foretold in reputable Economic journals of late.
More than anything else I want to assure you that...
...there is no cause for alarm.
No need to start doing anything...
Once a few 'corrective' adjustments have been carried out...
...the status quo will return soon enough.
All that needs to take place is an 'asset realignment'....
...because it has become obvious that a lot of valuable assets....
...appear to be currently owned by relatively poor people.
This won't do.
These assets should be handed over immediately...
...to those who should rightfully posses them...
...people who know only too well the burden of massive wealth...
...and are therefore expertly equipped to deal with yet more of it.
These are assets that would otherwise be squandered by poor people..
...who are TERRORISTS!
So we will be using the valuable and dedicated 'Armed Forces' of the world...
...to make them give it back.
And here at home...
...the banking 'Institutions' will be rectifying the mistakes that have been made over the last few years.
That mortgage that you thought you could afford to buy your new home?...
...Mistake!
Haha...don't worry!
We'll take back the property and leave you with the 'debt admin' side to sort out....
...no need to waste such a valuable asset on someone who can't afford it is there?
Meanwhile, don't forget to 'Max up' those credit cards!
That is - after all - what's keeping our wonderful economy alive.
Anyone who refuses to use their credit card at times like this...
...could easily be regarded as a 'Traitor'...
...or if done deliberately...
...perhaps even a commercial 'Terrorist' against our wonderful consumer society.
Needlees to say...
...whilst all this commotion is going on...
...the 1% of 'absurdly rich' people will once again be in possession of 99% of the Worlds wealth...
...and then we can all begin again.
It's called 'Economic Recovery'or
'Redistribution of Wealth'
Remember - Rich people have baggage too!
It's just that they can afford to pay people to carry it for them.

Stay calm and carry on.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 3 December 2011

Lord Noel on Ancient Rome

What ho! Pepys...
According to my recent Archaeological research
the Romans were the only Ancient Civilisation
who knew exactly how they could get 
eleven in the back of a taxi.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Lord Noel on WD40

What ho! Pepys...


WD-40 stands for 'Water Displacement #40'.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, hence the name WD-40.
The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove top ... Voila!... It's now shinier than it's ever been.
You'll also be amazed when I tell you what it's actually made from....


But First....
Uses for WD-40:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows . (I love this one!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terracotta garden pots from oxidising.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots ..
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for
those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the
finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just
remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22 Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open..
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, waggons, and bicycles for easy handling
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Some people even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain!
37. It's used in the state of New York to protect the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. Spray WD-40 on your car's distributor cap to displace the moisture on damp mornings and allow the car to start.



PS. Have you figured out what the basic ingredient is yet?..........




.....it's FISH Oil!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Lord Noel's Political Advice

What ho! Pepys...

Do you get the impression - as I do - that no matter who is in 'power' in this Country...
...NOTHING CHANGES!?
At the NEXT Election what not VOTE FOR NOBODY?
NOBODY will keep their election promises!
NOBODY will listen to your concerns!
NOBODY will help the poor, unemployed and elderly!.
NOBODY tells the TRUTH!
If NOBODY is elected things can't be any worse!
...or can they?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 28 November 2011

Lord Noel's New Restaurant

What ho! Pepys...


I am very pleased to announce...
...that my new restaurant 'Karma' has proved to be a huge success. 
We serve just desserts.
During the evening one of our auspicious guests asked me 
"Lord Noel - what do you know about Judo?"
and I said "Do they make bagels from it?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel