Thursday, 10 March 2011

Lord Noel Asks "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?"

Whatto! Peeps.....

Do you remember when there used to be things called 'meadows'.....?
......filled with wild flowers that you could run through, laughing in a carefree manner......
.....with the sun on your face?
Well....
......where the bally hell have they all gone?
Apparently I'm not the only one to miss them....
...my friends the bees seem to have missed them too....
"Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) was first identified in 2006. Since then, CCD has caused the catastrophic loss of bee hives World wide and is implicated in all unexplained bee deaths.
In the winter of 2007-8 more than a third of all bees were lost in the US & UK with 1/3rd of the UK's 240,000 honeybee hives being destroyed, adding to fears that CCD is a global problem.
The government recognises that the UK's honeybee hives - run by 44,000 mostly amateur beekeepers - contribute around £165m a year to the economy by pollinating many fruits and vegetables.
Although British honey only accounts for 10% of the 30,000 tonnes of honey consumed in the UK, other major honey producing countries have also been severely hit by poor weather and bee diseases. Argentina is the world's honey pot, producing up to 75,000 tonnes a year - three times that of its nearest rival Mexico. But Argentina has suffered a 27% drop in yield due to droughts and the planting of huge swathes of land with soya beans for biofuel - which is not a food source for bees.Previous theories for CCD have included pesticide poisoning as well as infection and mite infestation.....

....some suggest that radiation from mobile phones may be at least partially to blame, and that the proliferation of cell towers in rural areas may play a role.
TEXT: "I JUST FOUND ANOTHER DEAD BEE!..........AND ANOTHER!.........."

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years left to live.’
FOUR YEARS!?
Bees are responsible for pollinating over 60 different types of crops.
Up to a third of all our food crops!
Without pollinators, fruit trees wouldn’t give us their yummy harvests, and many other plants such as cucumbers, squash, watermelons and pumpkins would exist only in the history books.
"Wow! Mum! Look!.....Did we used to have VEGETABLES?"


A team of scientists is concentrating on analysing gene expression from cells in the bees' guts because this is the primary site of pesticide detoxification and immune defence.

But the team's genetic analysis of the bees' guts failed to reveal elevated expression of pesticide response genes.What did show up in the guts of the CCD bees was an abundance of fragments from the ribosome, a structure which is the cell's protein making factory.
According to the researchers, this finding suggests that protein production is likely to be compromised in bees from CCD hives.


Previous research shows that the viruses that bees carry all attack the ribosome.Scientists say that mass bee deaths may be caused by viruses that disrupt gene expression.
The team analysed which genes were turned on and which were turned off in healthy bees and those from hives with colony collapse disorder (CCD).
"What they do is to work their way into the ribosome and instead of making honey bee protein they make virus proteins.
"So maybe what's happening is basically the ribosome wears out. So we looked to see if the CCD bees have more of these viruses than healthy bees. And they do.


The viruses in question include "deformed wing virus" and "Israeli acute paralysis virus".
The scientists believe that if a number of similar picorna-like viruses attack simultaneously, they may be able to overwhelm the ribosome.
"We now need to look for how multiple viruses might interact on the ribosome."



I wonder how long it will take for some scientist to say "You know what chaps?....
....our tests show that we should have more wild flower meadows!"

.....I just wish they'd hurry up..........
....because nobody seems to be listening to me....
.....and I CAN remember wild meadows from real life......
..... NOT History books.....

FOUR YEARS!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 7 March 2011

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Lord Noel Reveals Spring is Coming! - I Think....

Whatto! Peeps....
As the Spring flowers slowly start to poke their way trough my ample lawnage I am reminded of the time I decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a coach trip to Holland.
The departure point was in the City - close to our lovely old Castle....it's Norman!....
....Obviously that's not it's name.....
...no.....
Our Norman Castle

....it's name is Cyril....
...Anyway as I boarded the coach I saw that it was full of Old People.
I seemed to be the youngest one there...
....Oh Joy!....
...finally at LAST!
It was a lovely trip that I would recommend to anyone.....
...and the old folks were no trouble at all.....
...once they'd managed to get hold of some Crack.

The programme included some shopping time in Amsterdam, visits to the tulip fields
....and of course, we stopped off to see Dutch clogs being made.....
...unfortunately they didn't have any in a size 10....
...dratt!
...and then an Edam cheese factory.....
....and as you already know I DO believe in Cheeses!....
....and we were given many free samples to try....
...yum!

As we stopped at the cheese farm, a lovely young Dutch guide led us through the process of cheese making, explaining how the goat's milk was used.......
....(How is it - by the way - that the Dutch can each speak Nine different languages?!)....

She then showed us some lovely pastureland  by a canal where the goats were grazing.....
....and we did a spot of heavy petting....
....with the fatter goats....

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' 
She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'.....
...And I said spryly, 'They send us on bus tours! Har! Har!'
(Nobody spoke to me on the way home)....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Lord Noel Confesses "Now I Really Do Believe!"

Whatto! Peeps....

The other day I was asked "Lord Noel - do YOU believe in Cheeses?"
....and I responded immediately "Yes! I certainly Bally Well do!"...
....and I think the world is a much better place because of the presence of Cheeses.
And guess what?....
.....I now know that Jesus exists too!
...because I met him on FACEBOOK.
The Saviour of the Table.......who went on to take most of our chips!

He was in a poker room and we played a few hands of Texas Holdem together.
He seemed a nice enough chap.....
....drinking red wine and winning quite a bit......
....very unassuming.....
.....fairly quiet...
....just getting on with The Game.
Me (sans Title) on the left - playing Poker against Jesus............he folded!....Wimp!

But when I spoke to him he said he would't be at all happy about being thought of as a GOD...
....and certainly didn't agree with the idea of being Worshipped...
....neither did he agree with the idea of people fighting Wars for him.
It really was quite an eye opener!....
....How could so many people have got it so wrong for so long?......
....when all they had to do was ask the man himself?.......
Maybe Christians should have been playing more Poker?....
That's about all I found out.....
....because then he put me on 'Block'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Lord Noel on Life Accordion to Lord Noel

Whatto! Peeps.....

I should warn every one of you that I am in a highly excited state....
......because I have fallen in love again!
And I know that this love may be short-lived......
....and I may soon grow tired of her looks.....


....and her quirkiness.....
...and not spend as much time with her as I had first intended.
But right now....I'm on FIRE!
It's Crazy I know!....
...because so far I have only seen a picture of her!..
....but I can't wait to hold her in my arms for the first time!
....to caress her unfamiliar body....

....and draw her close to my manly chest.....
....running my fingers delicately over every part of her.....
.....feeling her breathing between my outstretched hands......
....lungs, rising and falling......
....building slowly from a soft breath to an agonising crescendo....
...both of us together at last....
...making sweet, beautiful music!

I have started to see her everywhere!...
....even when I go out for a walk into town...
...but the memory of her beautiful voice is slowly drifting away....
...so I shall try to see her in every little thing I do....
...reminders of her...
 ...she'll be there in the supermarket...


...and at the cinema!...


...and even in the humble bus queue!...

 
She will be there.....in every greeting card I write!...


...and I shall know once more....
...what this purest of loves feels like....
...when she is finally in my arms for good!
Blisssssssss!
I know that there are always others out there....
....of every available shape and size...
...competing for my affections.....
 

...from the cheap and the trashy...
...to the cool and sophisticated....

...from the brash and gaudy...

...to the wrinkly but characterful...

...and there'll always be those 'hard to resist' fun-loving and gregarious ones....

....but, for the moment.....
...there is only one true love.....
...and I shall remain very contented....
...with my latest ebay purchase!
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 28 February 2011

Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter

 Whatto! Peeps..... 
 It is with great pride and pleasure that I take this opportunity in revealing to the World something I have just finished building..
... 'Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter'...
.....and the tests so far have shown it to be a great success!
My design was based on several ideas I saw being utilised on the Internet....
....and borne out of the need for empty glass containers.....
.....for Lady Jacqueline to make her candles in.

Here you can see the Glass cutter, The 'V' and the adjustable setting for various lengths
As you may already know, my good Lady wife and I like to drink the 'odd' glass of wine from time to time...
....and although I'm happy to take these used bottles to the local bottle bank (having first removed as many as I need to house my own delicious home made wine)....

With the Bottle in place you are ready to begin
....the idea of re-using discarded bottles and giving them a new lease of life excites the burgeoning 'Eco Warrior' within me.
So let me describe the simple process involved in using this wonderful piece of kit.
 As you can probably see from the picture above the bottle rests neatly inside the 'V' shape I've created from plywood...

Softly pressing the smooth glass against the protruding cutter cuts the finest of grooves

....all that needs to be done is to revolve the bottle so that the glass cutter (which is screwed to the front, movable 'V' section) cuts a continuous line into the bottle around it's entire circumference....
(My design also allows this line to be cut at any point along the entire length of the bottle facilitating the production of various sized glass container, hoops and even a 'true bottle neck' for use with the guitar!)

Groovy!

Then, by carefully revolving the bottle in the hand whilst alternately applying to the entire length of the groove some hot water (from a kettle) and then cold water (from a tap)....
....you will then find that all of a sudden (as if by magic) the glass bottle will crack beautifully along the scored line for you...
...needing, at most, a few rubs with some wet and dry emery paper to take any rough edges away...
I've found that the secret is in making the groove deep enough to start the crack off properly.
The one below is shown directly after breaking away and is so clean a break that it could easily be safely used straight away as a vase or candle holder.

Cut entirely by the Magic of WATER!

Et Voila!... you have recycled your empty bottle into a item with numerous uses!
Even the bottle neck can be used!....I've seen them turned into 'handbells', and also hanging from wires as 'windchimes' and turned upside down and used with a bottle base attached as a 'goblet' or in a frame with several others as 'candle holders'!...
This really is something where you're only limited by your own imagination!
Have fun!.....AND help the Environment!

Ii have thoughtfully added some felt pads to the underside to avoid scratching the Chippendale

Thanks to 'Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter'
(Available for hire to those with shockingly good pedigrees)

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Lord Noel Has Advice For The British Government

Whatto! Peeps....

In the interests of getting this Country out of the massive financial mess that it is in.....
....and BEFORE Mr David Cameron makes any more ridiculously expensive and totally crazy threats about "invading Libya" on my behalf....
...I would like to offer my wholehearted support for his efforts in frugality and downsizing in trying to meet our massive debts......
....but the savings should be made across the board...
...starting at the TOP.
Is The Government really serious about saving money?

After all.....we are now in the 'Internet Age'......
...so let's start by REDUCING the House of Commons to 30 MPs and let British Citizens decide what needs to be done!
Using the Internet we can 'log on' to the Government Website (using our own unique National Insuarnce number) and vote in favour or against all the policies that are presently decided by overpaid and underworked Members of Parliament.
Log on people........and VOTE!

Let the Public decide!
As long as 40% of the People vote then the result is viable....
....and if 50% of those who voted are in favour - then it goes ahead!
The REAL 'X Factor'!

Think of the amazing amount of money we will save!
.....and the amount of extra power we will have!
True 'Democracy' can finally be ours!........
What a great sound- bite!

....and it's closer than it's ever been......
Maybe I should start a campaign on FACEBOOK?..
That seems to be the way to get things done these days.....
.....if i can just get Mr Cameron to add me as a Friend....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Lord Noel Says "If You Go Down To The Woods Today......."

Whatto! Peeps....

Isn't nature lovely?...
...and with temperatures becoming milder once more, one is tempted to consider spending extra time in that special place which I like to call 'outdoors'....
I am particularly fond of Woods!
The magic of the sprawling branches and gnarled trunks, covered in Ivy, reaching skywards to the dappled canopy above.....
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" said Tony, from the uppermost branches..........................as he fell

.....the soft crunch of twigs amongst fungi and leaves underfoot.....
...it's no wonder so many legends exist around it's mystical atmosphere.
From Robin Hood, the infamous bandit who made the woods his home and refuge.....
"Careful men.....someone approaches!.........and they're NOT wearing tights!"

....to all the wonderful adventures that took place in Winnie The Pooh's '100 Aker Wood'?....
Christopher could no longer deny it.........his house had definitely blown away!

....from the magical meeting place for the Teddy Bear's Picnic.....
"Not Bally Marmite!...... again!?"

.....to the haunting story of Little Red Riding Hood, and the predatory wolf.....
For a change, she thought she'd bring Grandma...........a Magic Mushroom.

....to Hansel and Gretel, who fell into the hands of a woodland cannibal!.....
Hansel had a growing feeling that this was somewhere that didn't have planning permission!

....and who can forget.....
.... The Giant Wood Pecker!?
Gloria loved getting to grips with nature....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel