Lord Noel on Local Entertainment

Whatto! Peeps....

Old Tony's Grandad....Getting his finger out

'Old Tony' is our notorious local drunk.....
He is someone with a long and chequered history ....
....and it's often difficult to separate the fact from the fiction....
He was in the bar one night begging Steve the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money.
In desperation, Old Tony said, "Listen, I have this unusual talent with which I entertained heads of state many years ago. I was a fully trained flatulist and I can fart the tune of the national anthem.
If I climb up on your bar and entertain your patrons by farting the national anthem, will you please give me one more drink?"

Steve thought about it for a few moments then agreed to the deal, so Old Tony, without hesitation, climbed up onto the bar and, without further ado, dropped his pants! 
We all watched in fascination as Old Tony began grunting and straining and, much to everyones surprise and disgust, had a tremendous bowel movement....
.....right there on the bar!

Steve looked understandably shocked and disgusted as he reached for a dustpan and brush.....
......but Old Tony was insistent....."Just a minute, just a minute." he wailed, "If I was a singer, you wouldn't be mad if I had to clear my throat!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives An Explanation

Whatto!

Some great Tao can flow everywhere. 

Like a flood it can go left or right. 

Like a drifting boat it can go this way or that.

All things eventually derive their life from it. 
It hardly denies or disowns them.

It accomplishes its task, 
but seem to claim no credit for it. 
It hardly takes possession of anyone, either.

So though it covers all 
it is like some garment, 
it hardly takes possession. 
It can clothe and feed all beings 
but hardly claims to be guru over them.

Therefore it can be called low'

- quite free from insignificant desires.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel is Right On Schedule

Whatto! Peeps.....Lord Noel here....

I was remembering a flight I took on Singapore Airlines.....
....a mother and her young inquisitive son were sitting in front of me.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who didn't seem to be able to think of an answer, told her son to "Ask the pretty flight attendant."
So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant.
"I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you."

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Job Description

Whatto! Peeps....

Whilst I was "flying" down the road yesterday, I passed over a bridge only to find a Police Officer with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The Officer pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk that we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I of course replied, "I'm late for an appointment."
"Oh yeah," the Officer scoffed, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum extenderist," I responded.
He looked confused, "A what?............"
"A rectum extenderist!" I repeated patiently...
"And just what does a rectum extenderist do?"
"Well," I explained, "I start by inserting one finger into the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then, once my whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both my hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it...............
...............until it's about six feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun..."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Will 2011 Be The Same Old Shit?"

Whatto! Peeps......

I find myself at a veritable crossroads.....
....wondering....
....should I take the plunge or not?
It's going to take a great deal of commitment on my part.....
...and a great deal of understanding from my friends and family....
...but in the end.....
...it could help Save the Planet!
I'm finding myself drawn more and more to the idea of using an Eco Toilet (or Composting Toilet) as a means of composting household waste and 'humanure' as it is known by enthusiastic aficionados.....
It started with the Wood Cutters Cottage on Grand Designs.....
...an idyllic living space in an idyllic setting.....
.....and there, centre stage (so to speak) was the eco-toilet.....
....kept entirely odour free with the simple addition of fresh saw dust....
...something the wood cutter had in abundance.
There are many rumours abounding about the unsuitability of humanure for such a project....
....but then I came across this book.....
...which begs to differ entirely.
So - if I do decide to take the plunge......
....do I invite my friends family and guests to participate in the scheme?....
....or should I keep a bucket outside just for them?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Lives The High Life

What ho! Pepys....

I was trying to work out the height of the flag pole situated in front of our village hall....
...(which is a miniature version of the Houses of Parliament)....
....when a local engineer and a physicist wandered by....
“What are you doing?” they asked me.
“I need to know the height of the flagpole,” I said, “and I was just trying to remember the formulas I might use to calculate it.”
“Watch!” said the local engineer. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.”
Then he replaced the pole, smiled and walked away.
“Engineers!” I sneered as he walked away.....
“Yeah!" said the physicist "You ask him for the height....
... and he gives you the length!”

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Happy Imponderables to You!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERONE!



As the year of Our Lord 2010 comes to it's sticky end.......
...I find myself mulling over things which have concerned me a great deal throughout this year.....
.....such as.....
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
If it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
What happens when you put a light saber in water?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
When 2 people marry, they say, "You may kiss the bride". What do they say if 2 MEN get married?
Why is vanilla ice cream white.... when vanilla extract is brown?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it’s not funny at all?
Do you yawn in your sleep?.... and how do you know?
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? ...Rabbits don’t lay eggs.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Weather Forecast

Whatto! Peeps......

In lovely Old Blighty ....

....we simply can't resist chatting about the bally weather....

....and it's many and varied forms!

And whilst it may have been a trifle cold of late....

...spare a thought for chaps and chapesses who live abroad!

I was delighted to have a conversation with an old friend....

....who has moved out to Siberia!

He told me "Lord Noel....out here....

.... we have to keep a very special eye out....

..... for specific cloud formations....

....which usually indicate a change in the weather....

....to something much more .....

....extreme.

A cloud such as this one above, for example....

....indicates that the weather may soon make going out....

.... very difficult indeed...

...sometimes even simple road signs.....

...can become quite difficult to read....

.....and one can find oneself 'cut orf' for quite a while....

...so if you can....

...it's a good idea to periodically check on the neighbours....

But hang on there!.....it's not all doom and gloom!

For instance.....

...the Telephone man finds that his job is made very much easier by the weather....

....and bus drivers are usually given the day orf too!...

....(so we don't rely on public transport to get about)...

.....even the chair lifts can become totally impractical....

 ....and certainly well worth avoiding.....

....unless one seeks solitude and beautiful views....

...and one has industrial strength insulated smalls.....!

But using ones own car can also have it's problems.....

....especially if you forgot to mark where you last parked it!...

....or forgot to shut that bally passenger window!

Oooops! Arf! Arf!



A friend of mine lost his car for several months in bad weather....

...and only discovered it when he went out on an Archeological dig!

Yes Lord Noel....

...out here we certainly feel the affects of old Jack Frost....

.....and his freezing cold grip.....

...is never far away!

Brrrrrrrrrrr!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Lecture

Whatto! peeps.....

 A friend of ours was walking through Town at midnight when he was asked by a Policeman where he was going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asked, “Really? And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?“
"That would be my wife” he replied.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Questions and Answers

Whatto! peeps.....

I hope you have all had a lovely Xmas....
...and managed to survive by using all of the various stimulants available to you.
You may have also had time to consider those many questions in life that have no answers.....
....and the few that have answers too!


Q How do crazy people get through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A. A pool table.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A. They all have phones.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.

Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A. A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.


Hope this helps!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Christmas Shopping Rules for Men

Whatto! Peeps.....

And as it's Xmas Eve..... 

A Very Merry Xmas to One and ALL!

Some of you Ladies may still be thinking about what gifts to purchase.
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
I've been sent these simple rules and apparently if you follow them....
....you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter
if he already has one. Some people own 17!
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
(I have one....and it's the same one I've had for years and years....
....although I often fantasise about buying a router! Mmmmmm...)

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word 'ratchet' or 'socket' in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" (Sounds vaguely camp to me)

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or dice to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars...
...because they are utter saddos.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented mankinis.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....
....until he develops RSI.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
(And Champagne and Armagnac!..
..I'm sorry but this one is complete BOLLOCKS!)

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave
or deodorant. If they stink - they are natural and earthy...
...and easier to find in the dark.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. Wife" You get the idea.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will have parts
left over and they will always remind him....
....of how much you hate him.

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a Xmas
hamburger?" Salmonella anyone?

Hope this helps....you total slackers!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Mind Games

Whatto! peeps....

....Lord Noel here....

"Your 

worst enemy 

cannot 

harm you 

as much 

as 

your 

own 

unguarded 

thoughts." 

-Buddha-

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - Xmas is Coming!

Whatto! Peeps....

Happy Solstice to you all!
One can hardly wait for Crimbo now!.....
...already the Television is full of adverts for toys and perfumes and naff Cd's that are really only good for giving away.....
.....as we are geared up nicely for another round of Festive Fun!
And the Midwinter weather is definitely bang on target.....
.....with the blanket of white snow stretching out towards us all....
...hopefully bringing the whole country to a halt in the process.....
....but not until I've had a good chant with my Pagan friends tonight.
And so this is Xmas......
(as a Beatle once sang)....
....and what have YOU done?
Let me just get my checklist.......

1. World Peace (No Tick)
Mmmmmm......might have to carry that one over to next year....again!

2. Increased Recycling (Tick)
Well I've bought a load of crap for a load of people who I'm sure will soon be sensibly disposing of it .....does that count?

3. Helping in the Recovery of the British Economy (Tick)
I'm single-handedly thrashing my credit cards so effectively and with such exquisite timing that I could easily enrol myself as a Master of some Dungeon deep in the bowels of the Bank of England

4. Spreading the Love (Tick)
Physically and spiritually I continue to spread my Love - like watered down peanut butter over the soft warm dough which comprises my friends and family.

5. Doing some good (Half Tick?)
What? Doing some good....what? How I can possibly achieve an objective which hasn't been properly formulated so it can't be measured? (Reminder to self: Scrub this one from next years list!)

6. Enter into The Festive Spirit (Big Tick)
I have decked the halls with boughs of holly, chopped yule logs to keep us warm....and most importantly.....
....restocked the bar with my favourite tipples!
Wake me up very gently on Boxing Day!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Cooks up a Poem

Whatto! Peeps.....

Eventually Edna agreed to let him have a fiddle....

Us men are jolly difficult creatures to please sometimes aren't we?

"He didn't like my casserole

he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

I didn't spice his stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

just looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him

Like his mother used to do".

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Frog Giggin' - American Style

Whatto! Peeps....

Aren't Americans wonderful?
It must be great having so many morons all living in one country, all with unfettered access to innumerable firearms.....
....and they provide us with such amusing stories!....
...for example:
"Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July -  Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip. 
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. 
After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder. 
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked "How many frogs did the boys catch?"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Sex Position

Whatto! Peeps.......

I believe it's important to work hard to keep 

the magic alive in ones marriage....

.....so it was with great excitement 

that I rushed home today and said to my wife, 

"You'll never believe it, Lady Jacqueline, 

but I've discovered an entirely new position for
 

our lovemaking."

"Really Lord Noel?" said Lady Jacqueline interested 

at once. "What on earth is it?"

"It's called 'Back to back'." I exclaimed excitedly

"But that's crazy! We can't do anything back to back."

 ...she replied with growing concern

"Yes we can Darling!" I persisted

"Because I've persuaded.... 

....another couple to help us out!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel's Sensitivity Test - For Modern Men

What ho! Pepys.....

I was sent this test which measures how 'in touch with your Masculine side' you are.....
......and I was pleasantly surprised with my results!

Check out YOURS now!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A.  Lovemaking.

B.  Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town .


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A.  Your views about what you expect  from a sexual relationship.

B.  Your blood-test results.

C. Five Tequila slammers.



3. You should time your orgasm so that:

A.  Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss the Match on Sky Sports.



4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A.  Healthy, creative  love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C.  Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.



5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A.  The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £100 extra.



6. Your  wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You should tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a  problem; she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A.  A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A complete moron.


8.  Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long queue is to an amusement park ride.



9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself  saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now; please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: YOU!



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A.  Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of  intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't  have sat next to you on the bus in the first place..




==================

Well?.....How did you do?

Evaluating your Results:

If you answered A more than 7  times, check your  pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you  answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you  answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!! (Manly High 5!!)


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Scam Warning

What ho! Pepys.....

Trying to hide your bum behind one of your balls will NEVER work!

Generally, I hate those warnings that keep getting sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by alerting them......
...it happened to me - so it could easily happen to ANYONE!

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey.........
.......and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum!......
IT IS A SCAM!!
......they only want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this warning yesterday. 
I feel so stupid and cheap.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Slogans 4 U

What ho! Pepys.....

As an Internationally reknowned raconteur and wag I am often being asked for quick witted remarks which could be used in a variety of useful situations....
....usually to amuse or repel others.....
....so here are a few to be getting on with......

Driver Carries No Cash - HE'S MARRIED!

4 Out Of 3 People have Trouble With Fractions.

DRUGS LEAD NOWHERE - But it IS the Scenic Route.

IMPOTENCE - Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."

The proctologist called ... they found your head!
 
Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Killing Time

What ho! Pepys....

Three local men have just finished being tried in the City Court and, having all been found 'Guilty', it looks as though they are all heading for some time in jail. They all decided to get together in our local pub for one last drink before the sentencing date, and began talking about what they were going to take with them to keep them busy in jail.

The first man said, "I'm taking a deck of cards so I can practice doing tricks and get really good at them".

The second man said, "I'm bringing some paints and some paper so that I can pass the time away doing art".

The third man then said, "I'm taking a big box of tampons". Upon hearing this, the other two men understandably asked him "Why?".

The third man replied, "Well right here on the box it says with these things you can go swimming, horseback riding, or do anything else you want!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel