Lord Noel says "Gimme some before I SCREAM!"

What ho! Peeps.....

...Lord Noel here.....

We all love the taste of it.....

....and how it looks......

...lying there in a wonderful cascade of invitingly bright colours....

....slowly melting away to ultimate softness before our eyes....

"Anyone got a spoon?" - Will Cotton's delicious painting entitled 'Ice Cream Cavern'

....murmuring temptingly to our ever-hungry subconsciousness.....

..."Eat Me!.....

.... Lick Me!....

..... Suck Me!"...

Sniff it! Even Chanel had to get in on the Act

...it's no wonder that Ice Cream advertisers have continued...

...to try to link Ice Cream with sex...

...wherever they possibly could....

The Holanda 'Seafood' range never really took off!

....not always such a clever marketing ploy....

But the latest award for Creative Marketing must go....

...to the Italian Ice Cream makers Antonio Federici.....

....who have chosen to use a highly controversial...

...'Ecclesiastical Theme'.....

....with one poster featuring a heavily pregnant Nun....

....and the strap line "Immaculately Conceived"....

....and there's another of two male priests...
....looking longingly into each others eyes....

.....as if they are just about to kiss.....

....with the strap "We Believe in Salivation".......

I bet you bally well do! Wallop! Har! Har!
There are other posters featuring a Nun and a Priest....

....and they are locked in compromising positions in various states of undress......

....Ice Cream is clearly 'The Devil's Work'

....and just in case we hadn't quite got the message..

...we are told to "Kiss Temptation" and "Submit to Temptation"

Okay! Where do I sign up?....

The 'Submit to Temptation' is a continuation of their previous marketing campaign.....

....but without the Clergy.....

Or maybe it IS the clergy...only now they're naked?
Anyway, I'm sure it's just sheer co-incidence but this campaign was due to proceed....

....today - at exactly the same as the planned visit to the United Kingdom of....

....His Holiness The Pope!

Lord Noel enjoys a pint of beer with His Holiness the Pope!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals More Male Language Patterns

What ho! Pepys....Lord Noel here....

Apparently us men are more complex than I first thought......

...Lady Jacqueline has received a SECOND part to her 'How to speak Man' correspondence course....

...which reveals even more secrets of the male psyche.....

(Men: Run for the hills!....the secrets are OUT!)

"That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS, "Wow! ....Are you still talking?"

"We don't need material things to prove our love,"
REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS, "You really want me to stay awake while you talk?"

"It's a really good movie!"
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, beer and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is,"
REALLY MEANS, "I remember all the words to the England song "3 Lions", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"
REALLY MEANS, "The girl on the corner selling them was a real babe..... wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"
REALLY MEANS, "I actually severed a limb!....but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house,"
REALLY MEANS, "I remember once throwing a dirty towel near to the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing,"
REALLY MEANS, "I hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?"
REALLY MEANS, "You caught me AGAIN?!?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists,"
REALLY MEANS, "She once refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest idea what you just said, but I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so you don't spend the next 3 days nagging me."

"You look really terrific in that outfit,"
REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present,"
REALLY MEANS, "They were giving away free ice scrapers at the garage."

"I missed you,"
REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"
REALLY MEANS, "I wonder if they will find us alive?."

"This relationship is getting too serious,"
REALLY MEANS, "I like you nearly as much as I like my car."

"We share the housework,"
REALLY MEANS, "I make the mess for you to clean up."

"I don't need to read the instructions,"
REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel and Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Breeding Turkeys

What ho! Pepys....

...Lord Noel here...

One of the good things about living out in the Countryside...

...is that one tends to hear about breakthroughs in farming methods before anyone else...

....that's certainly very exciting isn't it?!

Well an industrious turkey farmer who has always been experimenting with Turkeys (what else in Norfolk?) ....is trying to perfect an even better turkey.

His theory is that everyone is fond of a nice big leg portion for dinner but there are never enough legs for everyone.

So he enlisted the help of a Genetic Modification Research Group who gave him some equipment and lots of backup expertise.

I went to visit him and he told me that after many frustrating attempts he finally had the results of his latest efforts to show me.....

He announced to me proudly.... "Well I finally did it Lord Noel!"

...."I bred a turkey that has SIX legs!" 

"SIX?!" I exclaimed feeling quite aghast at the very thought of it.....

...."Well?" I added in disbelief.......

...."How does it taste?"

"Well Lord Noel" said the farmer...."I don't rightly know" .....

....."on account of the fact that....I can't catch it!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Takes Stock On The 11/9 Anniversary

What ho! Pepys.....

...Lord Noel here....

The sad Anniversay of the September 11th terrorist attack has come and gone once again, and I thought it would be nice to look for some positive news regarding the situation in Afghanistan.....
....I managed to find these quotes from American comedians.....

I found out that "the FBI have announced that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser as a means of trying to track down the ever elusive man himself. But how good can he be? After all his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he's getting the best return on his investments to me".....Jay Leno

There's also the added problem of trying to recognise Osama bin Laden. "They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan where he has had plastic surgery. He closest aides say he looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?" - David Letterman

"With limited resources available to them it is still not known how the Taliban leaders manage to keep their morale so high, but an insider to the group said they just like to sit around and get bombed!".....Jay Leno

People around the World are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when the fighting is finished there. There are plenty of plans to rebuild the country, many of the more lucrative contracts being awarded to close friends of George W Bush. "There is even talk of making a fresh start there by changing the country's name.
Some of the possible name changes canvassed from the American public were: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan".....Jay Leno

Yep humour sure is a mighty powerful weapon ain't it?


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Parenthood

What ho! Pepys...

Lord Noel here....

"When 

your child 

is born 

you 

should study 

not only 

that you 

become 

a mother, 

but also 

that you 

become 

a child."

-Buddha-

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Lucky Victory Outcome For Making Of Pleasing Moral Chinese Manhood

What ho! Everyone...

Lord Noel here...

I was reading the fascinatingly famous story

(fascinatingly famous in China that is)

of the two Chinese men who fell in love with the same woman...

...and if you're sitting comfortably...

I'd like to read my literal translation of it to you now..

"There were once two Chinese men....

One was named Aikom and the other was named Nokom.

Nokom was lucky man and he marry pretty Chinese girl...

....she name Nokomtu..... 

She have very stinctive eyelashes...

(that when they are highly noticing but also.... bit smelly)

...but eyelashes are making her envy of all local girls.

For some reason Nokom and Nokomtu not have any children.

Some people say "Maybe Nokomtu's eyelashes get in way?"

Who know?

Anyway...

....one day, Nokom have to leave town....

....to go to far away Island.....

.....he go to help sick rerative...

...who own rubbery restaurant....

....and look after them getting better....

...while he running tasty Yum! Yum! business...

When Aikom hear that Nokom left town....

....leaving Nokomtu all alone....

.....he go round to visit Nokomtu....

....and he take with him big flask of Saki rice wine...

...which he carry in bag tied round waist.
(Here is picture or couple hurrying to Nokumtu's flat...
...I think you can just about also see the Saki flask)

Soon Nokomtu velly drunk from drinking too much Saki....

....and she invite Aikom to spend night with her.

That night Aikom came and Nokomtu came too.

This make both velly happy.

Eventually Nokom return from far away Island....

....where relative make slow recovery....

.....and soon life carry on normal for Nokom and Nokomtu.

But 7 or 8 months later....

....Nokom see his wife get very big around middow...

...and he not know why!

Nokomtu tell him....

...he about to become favvar!

....but Nokom not know how come!?

So when baby come....

....he name it, Howkomukom.

Of course, Aikom and Nokomtu both know how Howkomukom came....

....but to this day Nokom not know how come Howkomukom came!

So, you nicely asking me, "What is morrow of this story?"

'Well' I nicely replying....

.....'Some peepu not no wefa they come in or go in!' "

Tallyho!

Best Wishes (& translation from Mandarin) - Lord Noel