Thursday, 7 January 2010

Lord Noel Enjoys Weavering Away

Whatto! Walkers.....
 

Despite all this snowy weather bringing the entire country to a halt...
...it didn't stop me venturing outside on foot...
...to tackle this brisk freshness....
...which is our British Winter!
I'm not a great fan of being cold....
...and the propect of a long winter doesn't particularly excite me either....
...but I'm always amazed by how the body deals with icy coldness....
...once one starts to actually...
...(as Deliah Smith would say) "get a move on!"...
 

The tingling in the fingers....
...the slight stinging in the ear flaps and the nose appendage....
...are all slowly replaced....
...by a radiating glow of warmth....
...generated in the very core of ones body...
....that spreads ever outwards!
I took a hat with me....
...which made me look like a complete fruit...



...or if you prefer....(and I do)...
...a ruggedly handsome lumberjack.
I also had some gloves....
....but I very quickly dispensed with both....
...once that warm glow started to kick in they just weren't needed anymore.
For today I had decided to tackle one stretch....
...of the famous 'Weavers Way'...
 

This is an old Roman route which was also used by the Railway line....
...before Lord Beeching suddenly decided he should tear them all up.
(One must remember that not ALL Lords are good)
The entire route is about 60 miles in total.....
...and stretches from the North Norfolk coast....
...southwards.....and then Eastwards....
....to Yarmouth..
..where it stops.
You can't go any further....
...because you fall into the sea.

 

With the crunching snow underfoot...
...I set off to see how far I fancied going.
It was snowing lightly....
...which is much preferable to rain....
..that would simply soak one through entirely in a matter of minutes....
...and I'm not a fan of wearing overtrousers whilst walking either....
...because the insides get ringing wet with sweat!
Yuk!
Speaking of Yuk!..
Another good thing about snow...
..is the fact that it shows up dog poop very well!
 

The Weavers Way path itself....
....flies out straight ahead of you like an arrow ....
...with ever changing trees and fields nestled either side....

 

And along one section....
...I was joined by some telegraph poles....
....whose lines were buzzing and crackling grumpily above my head.
One can also find the last of the Autumn fruits...
...clinging bravely to stripped-bare branches....
...awaiting their final fate...

 

....and the abandoned clumps of twigs....
....squatting obstinately...
...into the crooks and hollows of lofty branches...
...that had recently been home to all the birds....
...who have lone ago migrated to sunnier climes....

 

There were still signs....
...here and there....
...of the last of the Autumn leaves....
...who finally get their chance....
...at last to become flowers!
As their lush greenery withers....
...to the rich rusty browns and warm golds of Winter....
...and they shiver delicately in the harsh ice wind

 

The snow also accentuates features....
....that one wouldn't normally notice....
...as white lines of snow....
...highlighted each individual branch....
...in this mysterious wooden marshland...

 

There was also the usual collection of grazing animals to be seen throughout the walk....
But I'd never expected to see quite so many of these....
...Look how many black sheep there are in this family!

 

Strong, pale horses munched determindly....
.....on remaining clumps of crispy grass....
...one raising it's head wearily...
...checking me out...
...as I approached...
Sorry...I didn't think to bring any carrots!

 

....and fresh from some recent Nativity scene....
...these couple of little cuties....
Awwwww!

 

...and of course....
...a walk like this just wouldn't be complete...
...without the obligatory...
...Llammas.
Yes Llammas!
I must admit....
...that WAS a surprise.

 

Some of the trees had completely sheltered the surrounding area...
...from the worst of the snow...
....creating a lush oasis amongst the barren ice....
...but the nearby brackened water....
...lies still and lifeless....
...showing no signs of warming up....
...just yet..

 

Other trees stood proudly alone...
...unable to offer protection....
...but silently surveying their territory nonetheless...

 

As I walked...
...the steady rhythm of my footsteps...
...made me think of a chant that I love...
"We are the flow...
...we are the ebb....
...we are the weavers....
...we are the web"...
..which I thought...
...at that moment...
...was particularly apt.
I love the abstract shapes that nature creates....
...and on days like this...
...with the contrasts being even more accentuated....
...one sees things differently..
This remined me of a river estuary viewed from the air....
...and the water courses that I'd watched being made...
....as the waves seeped slowly back to the sea...
...down a sandy beach in Malasia.....

 

Even the water is given a new identity.....
...as Matisse-like shapes take life...
...in the snow and ice....

 

...and in amongst all this decaying of life....
...are the signs that support and accomodation is being offered...
...to new life.
You may just be able to see...
...the frosted snail that's chosen to hibernate...
...in the hollow of this rotting stump.

 

...and the same stump offers a home...
...to this frost bitten fungi...


I like Ivy...
....(although having a tendency....
....to eventually strangle it's host to death....
...is never a good thing)
...because it creates some of the most evocative and sinuous lines in mid-air....
...squirming it's way through the arms of it's unwitting host

 

Eventually....
...after about 5 Kms....
...as my legs finally indicated to me...
...that NOW might be a good time...
...to think about turning around....
The usual signs of human life appeared again....
....houses began to become more frequent....
...and reminders of summery leisure pursuits...
....stood incongruously against this wintery backdrop...
...now with only the patient norfolk reeds...
...as silent spectators.

 

A small carpark...
...with no signs of any recent traffic on it...
...reminded me that although this is the end of this particular journey....
...it can also be the start....
...of the next leg of my walk Northwards.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Lord Noel On Making It Last

Whatto! Once Again......
 

As one of my personal new years resolutions was to 'get out more'....
...mainly for the purpose of taking a walk....
...as a way of improving my fitness....
...whilst enjoying some of the local sights...
...I headed orf to the North Norfolk Coast....
...where I gather the ex-Prime Minister John Major has come to live....
...but when I called round on 'spec' to see old 'Johnny boy' (as I like to call him)
...he'd gone out!
...and there was a sign on the front door....
...which read....
"Just nipped out for a curry"
I bet you have!...Johnny Boy!! Har! Har!

 

It may come as a terrible shock....
....to some potential North Norfolk holiday makers....
...that the only 'beach' along this part of the coastline....
...comprises entirely of rounded flint stones!
It's difficult to see how anyone....
....could get at all comfortable sunbathing on that!
But this town is from an old fashioned era....
....when people didn't sunbathe...
...in fact they would avoid the sunlight at all costs!
....and the quaintness of the town is still demonstrated....
....in the innocently naiive juxtapositions...
...which would be unheard of in these more 'enlightened' times.

 

The starkly bright sunlight...
...made it a beautiful day for a walk along the beach front....
....and when I came to the conclusion of my prambulations...
...a strange sound beckoned me away from the sea front...
...to another tourist attraction....
...which lies a little inland from the beach....
....The famous 'Poppy Line Railway'!

 

Wonderfully restored and run...
...by a jolly gang of willing volunteers....
...the beautiful old building harks back to a bygone age...
...when the Railway was King!

 

I enquired at the ticket office as to the timetable for today...
...and was surprised to learn that the next train was running...
...in just a few minutes....
...and it would be the last one....
...until February!
This was indeed fate...
...shining on me in all her glory!....
And although it's not strctly 'walking'....
...I felt that the walk I'd already had along the promonade....
....sufficiently eased my conscience in that regard.

 

It was thrilling to see the old steam engine...
..puffing it's way along the tracks....
...ready to couple up with the waiting carriages...
...to pull them away down the line....

 

It's such an evocative sight and sound....
...and I am old enough to just about remember my mother taking me onto a footbridge....
...which ran over a railway track...
...when I was very young.....
...and we'd look down as the train passed underneath us...
...while the smoke billowed up all around us...
...with it's distinctive cokey smell.
 The carriages beckoned....
 ...so without more a do....
 ...I clambered on board...
...the final 'Mince Pie Express' of the year!

 

After the shrill sound of the familiar railway whistle was blown by the station master....
...the engine began it's reassuring chug chug chug....
...and we drifted....
...almost silently....
...out of the immaculately maintained station....
...and onto the line that led to todays adventure.
As soon as we were going...
...the ticket collector began to pass down the carriages....
...checking and clipping each one of the reassuringly thick cardboard tickets in turn...
...with his old fashioned metal clipper.

 
 
Outside....
...the picturesque coastal scenery rolled by....
...still showing signs of the recent snow falls...
...which have made the whole area remain quite Xmassy...

 

And that feeling was added to quite wonderfully....
...by a lovely old lady....
...dressed up in festive hat...
...and carrying a big tray of home made mince pies...
....which were completely succulent to taste...
....to which she added...
...for us 'Adults'....
...a small tot of pale sherry....
....to wash it down with!

 

At last!
I got to have some lovely sherry in peace!
The countryside slid slowly past....
...and with it...
...some familiar Norfolk signs....

 

I must admit...
I was entirely enjoying every second of this brilliant experience!

 

But all things must come to an end....
....and as we slowed down gradually....
....a station platform came into view....
...and we came to a complete....
...Holt!...

 

We all alighted here...
...and spent time exploring the station...
...and it's lovely little charity bookshop...
...which had an honesty 'Milk Churn'....
....to put your money into!
Our ticket inspector stood near an office...
...looking resplendent in his crisp dark uniform....

 

Until it was time to move on once more....
...and everyone climbed leisurely back onto the train....
...there's no rush here...
...the customer is King...
...as the whistle once more...
...heralded the slow chug of the steam engine....
...and we began our return journey to Sherringham...

 

Rather unexpectedly....
...we stopped on the way back...
...at a place called Weybourne...
...which had an extra attraction set up for all of us lucky passengers!
Santas Grotto!

 

"Could this get any better?" I asked myself....
You have to appreciate that to someone like myself...
...who has the joyously childish mind of a five year old...
...this could well have been Heaven!
I passed eagerly into the grotto...
....which led down a long passageway...
...past some specially created 'scenes' in display cabinets alongside it....
...and I was thrilled to see....
...that each section depicted a part of the '7 Days of Xmas' song!
Each display moved quite jerkily....
...as automatons often do....
....and I was delighted to see that instead of seven swans...
...they only had three!

 

But the 'Partridge in a pear tree'....
....was something wonderous to behold!...
Gold and shimmering...
...as it twirled slowly in the murky light of the Grotto...

 

At the end of the passageway....
...the path led through to another room...
....and in this room was a fire and a big old armchair...
...with a sign on the door saying 'Santas Room!'...
I can honestly tell you...
...that I was now almost delerious!
To think that I might get the chance...
...to have MY picture taken...
...whilst sitting on SANTA'S KNEE!
After all the times that I have been Santa...
....and had others sitting on MY knee....
...this would indeed be a turnip for the books!

 

But Alas!...
...it was NOT to be....
...for there on the wall....
...was a short but succinct note from Santa himself!
....saying.....
"Gone back to the North Pole to get ready for Next Christmas!...
...Be good...Love Santa xx"

 

Oh well!
You can't win'em all! Har! Har!
So after all that excitement...
...it was time to reboard the train one final time....
....and with one last whistle the train trundled away from Santa's Weybourne Grotto....
....to it's final winter resting place....

 

And as the train pulled into Sherringham station....
...and I savoured those last few nostalgic moments.....
..on the platform...
...beside this rugged old beast....

 

...I trundled back across the icy platform to my car....
...feeling very happy about....
...the way this particular day....
..had turned out...
 

Thank you Fate!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Lord Noel Celebrates Virtually Xmas At The Manor

Whatto! Festive Folk!

 

With all the shenanigans of the last few weeks....
....I completed omitted to let you know about our Xmas..
..here at Virtual Manor....
I'd decked the Halls with boughs of holly....
...just as it suggests in the Festive song....


The Piano bar was also given the holly treatment....
And the Xmas trees were in pride of place.....
....festooned with gay lighting arrangements.....
(lovingly done by our gay interior designer Tarquin)


  So we were both ready for a peaceful an happy Xmas at home....
"God Bless us one and all!" I called out....
...rather amusingly!
Har!


I remembered to stock the bally bar up to the full.....
...in case of unexpected guests...
...or passing troubadours.....


I also made a Xmas wreath....
....with bits and pieces from the nearby woods....
....to hang by the front door...
...and I put up nearby our traditionally welcoming festive sign....
....which says "Carol Singers Welcome!"


Back inside the Manor..
....under our other Xmas tree.....
...were all my lovely presents!

 

I must admit to actually feeling a little disappointed....
...because I didn't seem to have as many presents as I had last year......
....then Lady J told me that was because....
....there's apparently a recession taking place somewhere nearby....
....(obviously in the land where they make Xmas presents!)


Anyway....
...Lady J and myself were just settling down for a nice glass of sherry....
...when there was a bally knock on the bally front door!
I went to answer it...
...and there stood a large group of Carol Singers...
...who were in full voice!
It was lovely to hear ....
....and all very Festive indeed!
I gave some cash to their 'leader'..
..(an older chap who I think they called Larry).....
...and he said to me "About your sign Lord Noel...."
I was curious and replied with an inquisitive "Yes?"
"Well" he continued..."It says 'Carol Singers are welcome!'.....
....but what is it exactly that we are welcome to?"
I said "Well my dear Larry...
....you're quite welcome to come inside....
....and warm yourselves up a bit for a start!"
And with that, they all piled inside to get warm....
...and soon they were all warm enough....
....to get rid of their coats.


"What else are we welcome to Lord Noel?"...
...said two rather fetching ladies from the group.....


"Wwwwell" I hesitated "You're welcome to some of our finest Sherry!"...
..."But you must first sing us some more of your splendid Carols!"
....and so they did!

 

I was really surprised at how good they were....
...and I couldn't help but join in with them....
......as they launched into "Noel Noel!"
(my absolute favourite!)
I think you can see from the look on their cheery little faces...
....that my contribution brought some of them close to tears....


Then suddenly Lady J appeared.....
....naturally enough dressed as an Elf....
...and suggested that our guests should be given some presents!
"Now steady on Lady J!" I said trying to laugh....


...but it was too late....
...the group cheered loudly at Lady J's announcement....
....and soon they were pulling wrapping paper orf....
...all over the bally place!


And then Larry called out....
..."Three cheers for Lord Noel and Lady Jacqueline!"
...and everyone cheered!
And then Larry said....
..."It is customary at this time of year......
....for us to award tokens of our regard.....
....to the people we find to be.....
....the most hospitable hosts!"
And they awarded us each with....
....traditional seasonal eyewear...


Which we were quite honoured to wear....
...as the Carol Singing continued....
....and a second bottle of our finest sherry disappeared....


They then awarded Lady Jacqueline with a prize.....
....for the "Best Host Costume"....
...which she was understandably thrilled with!...
...and it turned out to be....
...a Mushroom growing kit!

"How lovely!" She exclaimed....
....as I attempted to retrieve their coats for them to wear as they left....


"Would we be welcome to anything else at all Lord Noel?".....
...sang some of the group....
....in wonderful harmony....


"Food!" shouted out Lady Jacqueline.....
(obviously still very overcome with her unexpected gift!)
And another loud cheer of "Hurray!" rang out!....
...as everyone made themselves very comfortable.....
...at OUR dinner table!


Luckily enough the kitchen staff had ensured....
....that there was plenty of food available.....
....and pretty soon everyone was pulling crackers and telling jokes....
....and polishing orf yet another bottle of our finest sherry....


Then someone suggested Poker!
....and being a bit of a self-proclaimed expert at Texas Hold-em....
....I saw this as a cunning opportunity....
....to make back some money from the collective throng.....
In fact...
...I was so confident in my abilities.....
...that I threw down a challenge.....
....(perhaps rather rashly)....
I said to everyone..
..."Ok people.....
...It is customary in this Manor house...
....for the person who loses....
....to wear a silly clowns outfit...
...as a forfeit...
.....for the rest of the evening!"
How I laughed inside with glee.....
....as they all took their seats around the poker table...
...some were not even sure of the rules!....
....and I amused myself by trying to work out....
...exactly which silly sap....
...would end up ....
...at the end of the game....
...dressed up...
...as a clown!
Har! Har!

 

Well! ..
With that I said to them "OK everyone! That's it!..
....the entertainment is over!...
...Would you all kindly get your coats....
....and allow us to have the rest of the evening in peace!"
And as they slowly got their coats on.....
...there was another knock at the bally door....
...but I quickly saw through this one's disguise!

 

It was old Larry....
...trying to sneak back in!
Har! Har! Har!
I laughed at his efforts....
...but nonetheless....
...I insisted that they now left....
...every last one of them!
(Which I can tell you....
...was NOT a popular decision!)

 

Soon after they had left.....
....and I was searching around the bar.....
.....for any of our remaining finest sherry that we might have left....
...when there was another knock at the door!!....
I looked out to make sure that the Carol Singers hadn't returned...
...but it wasn't them....
...so I opened the door...
....and there stood a Latvian chappie!
And he said to me in his Latvian voice....
"Lod Nol....ve av erd av yior jenerus beheavur....
....and ve vud lyke to pearfurm for zu boath!"
Wow! I was naturally thrilled to bits!
And when he told me how long it had taken to get here.....
...I was very moved!
Someone who travels all the way from Latvia in the back of a lorry....
...deserves at the very least.....
....to be allowed to come inside!
I motioned for him to enter The Manor....

 

....and he was quickly joined....
....by his merry band of travelling actors....
...who swiftly made themselves aquainted....
....with another bottle of...
...my finest sherry....

 

"In owa kantri..."
...said a lovely Latvian girl in a red hat....
..."Ve affa fude to al ze gests in ze howz!"
"Of course! How rude of me!" I exclaimed....
...and led them through to the kitchen....
....where they went straight for our infamous...
....'finest sherry' trifle!

 
Which has so much 'Finest sherry' inside it....
....that it always looks....
...slightly blurred!


And once they had eaten as much as they could....
 ....they began to regail us with a magnificent performance....
...of an old Latvian Folk Tale....
...about the hardships they encountered in their homeland....
....when Latvia was sold to a old watchmaker called Felchin....
...for three solitary acorns....


(Here the 'Mother' of the piece.....
.....is lamenting her family's poor bartering techniques)
...and because the famine and the winter was so hard...
...the people had to live.....
...on nothing but....
...boiled spiders webs!
Yuk!
It was so moving...
..it really brought us both to tears....

 

 And I think they could sense....
....that I had certain thesbian tendencies myself.....
 ...because they then invited me to play the part....
...of a wandering lunatic....
....in another traditional tale.....


Soon after the performance....
....they were kind enough to help us....
...by finishing orf the rest of our finest sherry trifle!


Whilst Lady J awarded them well-deserved prizes.....
.....for their truly magnificent theatrical performances

 

And she gave away as prizes....
....the two remaining bottles....
...of our Finest Sherry


But do you know?...
Just seeing the merry mirthy smiles.....
.....on their happy Latvian faces....
....was enough to make me finally feel.....
.....sufficiently filled up inside with pride.....
....to say for yet another year....

 

"Bah Humbug!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes Lord Noel