Whatto! Seekers of Gifts.....
With only a few hours left until the BIG DAY!.....
I feel it's only right for me to add...
....to the over-all ANXIETY you should be experiencing....
....to the over-all ANXIETY you should be experiencing....
....by showing you some presents that people would've LOVED to have received...
...so that you can see just how many Original ideas you missed out on!
(But it's not too late!.....and if you REALLY loved them ....
....wouldn't you brave the snow blizzards to prove it to them?)
(But it's not too late!.....and if you REALLY loved them ....
....wouldn't you brave the snow blizzards to prove it to them?)
For instance.....
....Are you someone who just CANNOT stand being apart from their computer?....
....even for a few 'personally hygienic' moments?
....then THIS gift.....
...is made for YOU!
Or maybe you're someone with a rather large head....
...who constantly feels guilty....
....for allowing your partner to get wet whenever you go out together hand in hand, in the rain.....
...because normal umbrellas just aren't BIG enough to accomodate your masssive cranium?
Or you may just live in an area of high pollution.....
...so you're sick of getting your favourite outfit dissolved by toxic rainfall?.....
Either way....you'll LOVE this beauty!
....for allowing your partner to get wet whenever you go out together hand in hand, in the rain.....
...because normal umbrellas just aren't BIG enough to accomodate your masssive cranium?
Or you may just live in an area of high pollution.....
...so you're sick of getting your favourite outfit dissolved by toxic rainfall?.....
Either way....you'll LOVE this beauty!
Or maybe you still have a big head.....
......and are called something like 'Tiger Woods'.....
....and you feel the need to take photos of you with your many girlfriends?.....
(almost a full time job you'll agree)
....but you don't trust complete strangers not to steal your extremely valuable digital camera.....
...so you won't ask anyone else to take the picture for you?
Or maybe you have no friends who you can ask to take the pictures anymore?....
...and maybe all your girlfriends have left?....
....and now, you don't even have a wife?
Well Cheer up!
You can still own this handy 'QuikPod' arm extension device unit......
(Just make sure no-one is creeping up on you from behind with a golf club)
Or maybe you dislike waiting on someone hand and foot?....
(rather like my last Butler)
(rather like my last Butler)
This amusing tray will actually SAVE you chores!...
HOW?
Well it has been specifically designed with the fingertips protruding upwards through the tray for maximum stability.....
.....but the beauty of this design...
....is that it will prevent you being able to carry hardly anything on it at all!
After sixteen trips to the Bar just to serve 4 G&Ts.....
....your services will soon be 'dispensed with'.
....is that it will prevent you being able to carry hardly anything on it at all!
After sixteen trips to the Bar just to serve 4 G&Ts.....
....your services will soon be 'dispensed with'.
Or maybe you've been wanting to give your loved one a subtle hint.....
....about the huge amount of glutonous blubber they have managed to amass around their midrift.....
....due to constantly gorging themselves over the 'Holiday 'period?
This gift is PERFECT for fat freaks everywhere!
Or how's this?
The ideal gift for the man who's "Going Nowhere" FAST!!.....
...the ingenius and mystical 'self supporting ladder'...
....It will allow you to perform a modern day version of the famous 'Indian Rope trick'.....
...although there is a disclaimer included from the manufacturers...
...which states "Anyone using this product who decides to step off the top rung and thereby enter an alternative universe or other time vortex will NOT be eligible for a refund"....
Dratt!....up until then I was interested.
(Here it is being demonstrated by Mr Fred West - the notorious mass murderer)
I have a extremely massive bed at home.....oh yes I certainly do!
And one day some of you may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of it....
....or even spend a luxurious night enveloped within it's fabulously crisp Egyptian cotton sheets.
The bed is Sooooo massive that I can sometimes lose Lady J in there for days!
But for those of you who haven't the luxury of a converted playing field to sleep in....
....this next gift may help you sort out the 'exact surface area' which should be allocated to each sleeper.....
Enjoy!
Teach your child about Nature this Xmas!
This wonderful 'Power of Flower' light will prove to them once and for all.....
....that we can manage WITHOUT nature.....
...as long as we have electricity....
....so that when this Planet is finally defoliated....
....they certainly won't miss it!
Go on! You owe it to the next generation to be perfectly truthful with them....
Or you may know someone who is very particular about their cup of tea?
Maybe they like the tea bag to be steeped for a particular amount of time....
....to ensure that their drink is exactly the correct strength to suit them?
If you are someone who insists that the tea bag should steep for exactly 143.7 seconds....
....and NO LONGER!.....
....this is definitely for you....
(You weirdo)
Or maybe you were once a Foreign Dictators wife?
....and now you are desperately trying to find some space in your home for all those wonderful shoes you managed to buy while the rest of the Country you were governing were starving to death?
Look no further!
With this handy 'Stair Step Saver'.....you can head back down to the shoe shops again with a clear conscience!
But don't forget to put all your shoes away properly....
...or you could break someone's neck.
Are you busy?....I know I am....
... and I also know....
....how much time can be saved....
....by COMBINING tasks!
......That's why I always brush my hair whilst feeding my chickens.....
....and clean my teeth whilst queuing in Supermarkets.....
....and rinse my genitals whilst....
(....well you really don't need to know that right now...)
.....so this wonderful 'Toaster and Teapot combo' really hits the spot!
....Just hurry up and find the butter!
Are you Bono?
Do you get frustrated in between recording hit albums....
....that nobody seems to care if you're singing or not?
Do you feel an overwhelming desire to perform somewhere wet?...
....whilst dripping in soap?
....somewhere the accoustics are always rather good?
Well.....Fill up your sexy Bono boots!
How about in the......
....Ahem......
.....'bedroom' department?
Does the Earth still move....
.....whilst you're in the middle of amourous exchanges....
....with a 'loved one' or drugged victim?
Well it will now!
Because 'Spring' has suddenly arrived!
Or maybe you are diabetic?
And you find that you always get sooooo thirsty....
.....that ONE glass of water just isn't enough!
Well thirst no more fat guy!
(Can also be used with wine for Alcoholics)
Is it really so wrong to gain a good belly laugh......
......at someone elses expense?
No! It isn't......
...that's why this year I insist that all the guests arriving at Virtual Manor....
.....drink their mulled wine from these specially prepared paper cups.....
It cheers me up no end!
But you know readers.....
....even at Xmas time.....
....when everyone around you will be laughing and enjoying themselves to excess.....
...it's sometimes comforting to remember.....
...Death is never very far away.....
And just think how thoughtful you'll appear....
.....when YOUR gift shows that you've noticed.....
.....that someone's favourite pet doesn't look very well.....
....and indeed may well DIE over the Holiday period!
Just think of the warm glow you'll feel inside....
.....when you thoughtfuly provide them with this perfect present.....
....a 'Pet Casket'......
....in which to bury their loved one....
(once they are properly deceased).
And remember, as they open it......
...to take some time out.....
....to feel all the LOVE in the room...
Ooooh yeah!
(Shown below is the female version of this wonderful gift)
Tallyho!
I hope I get a nice bulging sackful this Crimbo!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
