Lord Noel Offers A Penny For Them............

Whatto! Parents................

I was thinking about the time as a child when my parents took me to a particularly swish restaurant...........
 
My Father - being ever the joker - decided to show me a trick with some pennies.............
It was meant to be a magic trick of some sort..............
......and he thought he'd managed to slip one coin into his mouth without me seeing.......
Wrong!....
But I played along anyway..............
Suddenly my Father starts choking and going blue in the face.............
My Mother realises he's swallowed the penny and starts slapping him on the back.........
My Father keeps choking..............
My Mother is panicking........... shouting for help!
Suddenly a well dressed woman in a blue business suit gets up from her seat at a nearby table and makes her way over to us...................
Reaching my Father the woman losens and carefully drops his trousers...............
......then she grabs hold of my Fathers testicles and starts to squeeze and twist them!......
After a few seconds my Father convulses violently........

......coughs .........

........and brings up the swallowed penny!.................
.........and as it rolls across the restaurant floor................
........ the woman releases her grip on my Father's testicles...............
.........scoops up the coin from the floor................ and hands it to my Mother!
My Mother is so relieved that my Father is no longer suffering that she goes over to the woman to thank her.............
I hear my Mother saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic!................ Are you a doctor?"'
"No" the woman replies....................
........"A Divorce lawyer"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Promotes A Brand New Investment Opportunity!

What ho! Investors...............
I was very pleased to be invited to invest in a brand new concept that is about to revealed in a Capital City near YOU!..............
It's a STORE!.................
But not like any other!............
This one sells PARTNERS!!!.............
YES!!.............PARTNERS!!!!
The first one to open will stock men who are 'available' and looking for a Partner...........
But there are STRICT instructions on how the store may be used..............
You may visit this store ONCE ONLY!

There's a HUGE admission fee to get in..............
To keep things 'exclusive'............... and stop 'time wasters'...............
Inside there are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends..........
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor................
.....but you cannot go back down............... except to exit the building!
The idea has been successfully trialed elsewhere and a survey suggests that it will be used like this:............
A woman goes to the Store to find a husband............
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. 


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more'.............
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks........ but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims............. 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have Strong Romantic Tendencies. 


She is so tempted to stay............ but she goes to the sixth floor.........
..... where the electronic sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please..................

Thank you for shopping with us today!

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges the store's management have plans to open store just across the street................ for men!

Inside this store:
The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors........

....... have never been visited!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Common Scents

Whatto! sniffers...............

Yet again Scientists have demonstrated their ability to push back the frontiers of the 'unknown' with important cutting edge experimentation............
Yes......Food scientists at Leeds University think they have unravelled the secret behind the lure of the famous British 'chip' aroma.............

Experts broke down the smell into it's component parts using a process known as "gas chromatography mass spectrometry"...............
......and then expert analysts sniffed the smells that could be detected by the human nose and recorded the type and strength of each one.............
The final results showed that chip aroma is made up of a subtle mix of the following scents:
 
Butterscotch
Cocoa
Onion
Flowers
Cheese
and..............
........can you guess the missing ingredient?




Yes!!!..............Ironing Boards!

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Chat On A Tube

Whatto! Catholics..................

I recently found myself on a tube train after having attended a wonderful private party in the 'big city'.....


I saw one last available seat and flopped down into it.............next to a Catholic priest..............
I'd be the first one to admit that I probably looked the worse for wear...............
My tie was stained..............
my face was smeared with red lipstick..............
.......and a half-empty bottle of brandy was sticking out of my coat pocket..........
All in all............... I'd had a bally good time!
Regardless of this............... I opened a newspaper and began reading............
After a few minutes reading I turned to the priest and asked him............
"Father"....... with great respect............"What causes arthritis?".............
He immediately seemed beligerent towards me.............
............ and answered "Loose living! Cheap Wicked Woman! Too much alcohol!.....and contempt for your fellow man!"
I was surprised by his response and replied to him through my drunken stupour by murmering "Well! Well! Would you believe it?"........
....... and then returned to my newspaper..............
The priest seemed to have second thoughts about what he said to me...............
and he nudged me gently and apologised.................saying.........
" I'm very sorry my son...........I didn't mean to be so harsh to you......
.... How long have you had arthritis?"...............
I was pleased with his change of attitude and warmed to him saying "Oh, I don't have it Father..............


.......but it says here that the Pope does"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Growing Old Disgracefully

Whatto! Pensioners..............

Isn't old age wonderful?!.................
Finally getting to the age when you can say goodbye to work.............. for good!
And having the rest of your life to do WHATEVER you wish!................
Having reached a ripe old age myself..............
........ I'm look forward to taking advantage of the things that 'being old' has to offer...............
Such as............
.... being able to...............
Offer young people 'tips' on how I stay so young and youthful looking..............



And showing my appreciation to those who go out of their way to help me!.............


Being able to sleep ANYWHERE ...............ANYTIME................. at the drop of a hat!
(I'm actually already experiencing this .....and its lovely!)

Having all that spare time to be able to support any 'Good Cause'.................
.....or protest against societies 'Injustices'.........

And trying to make logical sense.........

..... and take advantage of.........

...... any new road markings!

Being finally able to take to the open road.............

............ and feel that cool wind in your hairs...........

And also being able to take up a new hobby.........

......... and take your talents out to the WORLD!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Holiday Employment

Whatto! students...............

I remember my time in University with great fondness..............
.......and during the holiday breaks it was customary to try to gain some sort of employment to carry one through the next term.............
I happened to 'get lucky' one summer when I applied for a job at the local zoo.............
Little did I know that their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before......

.............. and they wondering how to maintain 'business as usual'................
I was told that they would pay handsomely for me to dress up in a gorilla skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people would keep coming to the zoo!................
It was certainly a novel idea and immediately appealed to my sense of quirkiness.............
So they helped me into a very convincing skin suit and I went out into 'my' cage...............
It was extremely hot and stuffy inside the suit but the people all cheered when they saw me and that encouraged me to play to the audience even more................
I got so into my role that I started putting on a show................ jumping around............ beating my chest...........
You know.............
............The sort of things that Gorillas are famous for!
During one particularly acrobatic attempt I completely lost my balance and crashed through some safety netting....... landing right in the middle of the lions enclosure!
I must admit I just lay there for a few moments..............
........ feeling completely stunned from my fall.................
Then I heard the growl of a nearby Lion!!!.............
I can tell you...... I was completely and utterly terrified!!.......

And as the Lion raced across the enclosure towards me..............
............I was in a blind panic and began shouting from inside the suit "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion thudded against me with its paws on his chest knocking me onto my back................
...........and as I lay there...........
.......winded from this second fall..............
.......feeling the weight of it on top of me...............
........... I heard his breath hissing...........
....... "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Test For Drunks

Whatto! spritualists..............

Apparently we can be tested for sobriety now!...............
There are a number of things that are tell tell signs that could suggest ....................
........................that you may be under the influence of intoxicating substances!...............

It is difficult to say the following words when you' re drunk ............
This could be regarded as.......

STAGE 1:
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


STAGE 2:
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


STAGE 3:
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you' re drunk!
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) No more booze for me thanks.
c) Sorry, but you' re not really my type.
d) Hot kebab! Not for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but with my lack of co-ordination I won't make any attempt to dance
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I wouldn't like to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Tallyho!
best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Bubble Gum

Whatto! Chewers....................

Thought I'd pass on this...............

It's 'Hot off the press'.......................

Government Health Advice.........

............. to you all............

Tallyho!

best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Poses Some Questions That Simply MUST Be Answered!

What ho! Philosophers..................

There are a number of questions that have been bothering me for some time now........

I know Gordon Brown is preoccupied with the economy and suchlike............

But as our so-called 'leader' I turned to him when I recently sent him orf........

...... my list of "Questions that simply MUST be answered"!....................

Is it possible to cry under water? .......(especially if your chain comes orf!)

Just how important does a person have to be before they are considered 'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?

Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?

What disease did ham actually have before it was 'cured'?

How is it that a man was put on the moon (if you believe such things) before we realised it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, should it still be called a 'hearing'?

How is it that people are IN a movie, but ON TV?

When people pay to go up tall buildings why do they then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? .......................Wallop! by the way!

Why do toasters always have a setting on them that burns the toast to a horrible carbonated crisp, which no decent human being could possibly want to eat?

If 'corn oil' is made from corn, and 'vegetable oil' is made from vegetables, what is 'baby oil' made from?

Why do the 'Alphabet song' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?

And why did you find yourself just trying to sing those two songs?

And how is it that when you blow in a dog's face it irritates them but when you take them for a drive, they have to stick their head out the window?

(........To date I have received NO reply!)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Prepares For The Olympics!

Whatto! Sportspeople.......

What with the bally old recession starting to bite more deeply the last thing we can bally well afford to shell out for now is a bally Olympic Games!..........
I'm sorry about my language..... but I find it all bally emotive stuff!!
Still..........we've committed ourselves now...........
.....and an Englishman's word is his bond .....and so on.............
So lets get on with the job of winning as many of those bally old GOLD medals as we can!
The latest British team did us proud with their medal total but I think there could still be room for improvement....................
Especially in the training department!
I've come up with a few ideas that I'll be forwarding to Sir Sebastian Coe - or 'Sebby' as I like to call him!.....
I think you'll agree that this should improve our teams performance no end!

Snow Shooting:
This is a perfect example of how to save scarce cash in the run-up to the Olympics!
Here we combine 'clay pigeon shooting' with 'Downhill skiing'.................
If the shooter wins...............it's because the skier is not going bally well fast enough!!




Shot Putting:
A simple device to measure the effort that each athlete is putting into their throw.......
If they don't collapse from asphyxiation after each throw.....they're simply not throwing hard enough!


Fencing:
First we put a metal fence between the two competitors....................
(A very good friend of mine produces fencing at very reasonable cost)
Then we provide each contestant with one chain saw each........
.........filled with exactly two minutes worth of fuel!
The idea is to cut through the fence as quickly as possible to get to your opponent whilst conserving as much fuel as possible for the hand to hand combat that follows.......................... see it's ecological too!!


Pole vaulting:
For too long competitors in this discipline have had it too easy!......
No more than three jumps a day!
A short sprint along a straight track and they reach their goal!
Cushioned mattresses for them to fall on!?
What's going on people??!!
Time for a massive change of mindset for these shirkers!.....................
We start with the track...................and rip it up!....................Now they have to run across fields so they will be more grateful when the track is put back later!
Then we replace the pole with a fence................ an ELECTRIC one!!.......with barbed wire!!!
(My good friend can do special prices on all mod cons added to normal fencing)
Har har! No room for error now!
Get over that bally fence!................ or retire early!.................. Wallop!
Triple Jump:
Anyone who has watched this sport as I have will realise it's full of the same shirkers who take part in the pole vault.....................
So we need something to act as a similar incentive!
I've come up with the perfect solution with these massive spikes floating in molten metal!
(Another very good friend of mine does very good deals on spikes and molten metal)
If you don't get high enough - the spikes will get you.......
If you don't jump long enough.............you melt!!!!


Relay:
I've noticed from MY EXTENSIVE researching of this particular sport that races are won or lost on the ability of the team to manage to 'handover' of the baton correctly..............
Therefore.......in training sessions the baton will be henceforth replaced with a stick of dynamite!
It can (and will) be remotely activated by adjudicators when they see a bad handover taking place and they believe the 'receiver' is at fault................ The fuse will be adjusted to go off before the athlete reaches the next handover.................thus acting as a genuine incentive for him to get this part of the operation correct!

I realise that many of you will be saying things like......
........ "Ooh! that seems a bit harsh!"...........
....and "These systems will injure lots of our Athletes!"........................
And I reply "YES!" ............"HOPEFULLY!".....................
After all..............If they're not up to it.......and never likely to win us any GOLD medals (which are really the ONLY ones that truly count!)..........................do we really want to waste millions of pounds on them?
I think not!
I'm waiting for an announcement from Sebby any day now!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Driving Test Scenarios

Whatto! Learner drivers.......

Here's some questions from the latest Driving Test which you may well be asked.......

Question 1: You are driving in Europe along a two lane road with "No Passing" signs clearly displayed...............

Preceeding you is a slow moving cyclist.................

Considering whether there any legal reasons to overtake the cyclist in these circumstances please answer the following question.........


The Answer is: YES! You should remain behind the cyclist for as long as is necessary!

Question 2: "You are driving in a car at a constant speed................

On your left hand side there is a field.................

and on your right hand side there is a fire engine.................

.............which is travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig....................

................which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

You suddenly notice that there is a helicopter behind you.....................

..............flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you..............

What should you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?





Answer: Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel And The Shocking Truth About Identity Theft!

Whatto! Identity Thieves......................

Thanks to you us humans are no longer the only species on this planet to be the target of this dispicable crime!........................
Innocent creatures are being abused!.................
....... by utter animals!..............

Sometimes they say they do it........"Just for a lark!"............... Disgusting! I say!

Others try to excuse themselves by saying "I never really benefited from the crime!"

Other sad individuals claim "I did it because I just wanted to be.............. like them!"

Police are advising all creatures to "Please be extra vigilent and keep on the lookout for these fraudsters!"

"We're not trying to frighten anyone" say Police "After all...........the last thing we want is them running round like headless chickens!"

"But if anyone notices anything strange............. for example anyone 'new' in the neighbourhood who perhaps doesn't quite fit in............ then call us at once!"

"These criminals could just be biding their time.............. until the moment when they can take full advantage of their position............... at your expense!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel