Lord Noel Reveals Ten Things A Real Woman Would NEVER Say

Whatto! Peeps....

 1. Can't we make our relationship more Physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
 2. Please leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
way.
 3. I LOVE hairy butts they're really sexy.
 4. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
 5. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just so cute.
 6. This diamond is much too big.
 7. My lips aren't going NEAR that thing unless I get to swallow.
 8. You look like you could do with another beer
 9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. Guess what?..I'm wrong! So you must be right again.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals Ten Things A Real Man Would NEVER Say

Whatto! peeps.....

 1. I think Barry Manilow is really cool.
 2. While you're up, can you get me a Babycham?
 3. Women's Hairy butts.... mmmmm they're sexy.
 4. Her boobs are just too big.
 5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
 6. That chick on Murder She Wrote.... gives me wood.
 7. I love wearing condoms.
 8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your bag.
 9. Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Eastenders.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and I'll ask for directions.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Realisation

Whatto Peeps!....

I went to hospital to see my very ill friend who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.....

When I arrived his wife brought me to his bedside and he told me that she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

He slipped into sleep once more and when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. 

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got run over, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. 

Now that I think about it........

......you bring me bad luck!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on An Obituary from the Times Newspaper

 Whatto! Peeps.......

 

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for so many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape, but he will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- When to stop digging;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- That Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe I'm to blame.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue YOU for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him please spare a few moments reminiscing in memory of him now.....

...or join the majority and do nothing."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Reports on Criminality At The Zoo

Whatto! Peeps......

You are what you eat.....and I LOVE nuts!...

Four boys were recently brought before The Magistrates in town.

They were causing a lot of commotion at the zoo.

"Boys," said one of the Magistrates sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

So I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

Then the fourth boy stood up and said "My name is Peanuts!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Asks "Who's Spending Your Money?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Do you remember ID Cards?
The idea was bulldozed into existence by the wasteful Labour Government, who couldn't seem to see the massive financial mess they were creating.....
Now it's just one of a long line of expensive ideas that have fallen under the axe of spending cuts, along with other cost saving programmes (currently referred to as 'decommissioning') such as Care centres for Alzheimer's sufferers, RAF trainee pilots, council admin workers etc etc. 
But giving ID cards the boot is going to cost YOU money.....
...because more than £2.25m of YOUR taxes is going to be paid out in compensation . 
And everyone involved in this ridiculous scheme will be compensated, except those idiots - like David Blunkett - who spent £30 each buying an ID card and has even threatened to sue the Government for compensation to get HIS money back......
......which was OUR money because he would have claimed back the cost through MP expenses anyway!

Costs ramp up

The £2.25m bill comes down to the costs of having to cancel contracts. More than £2 million will end up in the hands of information systems firm Thales. £183,000 passes to technology firm 3M while Cable & Wireless will be better off by £68,000.

Perhaps we should send this £2.2m bill back to Mr David Blunkett, the MP for Sheffield Brightside and Hillsborough to settle? After all it was Blunkett who originally raised the concept of compulsory ID cards, a program that could have costed the country £9bn had the ConDems not decided to ditch them......but Oh No!....I forgot............
They're allowed to squander millions of pounds of taxpayers money......
....because they are MPs!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel 
 

Lord Noel - Our Natural Resources

Whatto! Peeps...

Must remember to drink more BEER!

Silver in Stubble

Gold in Teeth

Crystals in Kidneys

Sugar in Blood

Oil in Hair 

Alcohol in Veins 

Iron in Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas...

Oh Yes!!

I'm RICH!

 (I just need to be tapped!)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel Reveals That Prince Philip Does His Bit For The Ozone

Whatto! Peeps...

Our Royal Family......

.....are a privileged group of people who are looked up to by many British Citizens.....

......often because they enjoy appearing on the highest balcony at Buckingham Palace whenever there's a Ceremony of State to be observed.

This particular set of photographs reveals something much more personal about our 80 year old Prince Philip....

....which is summed up beautifully in this Ode to him:

A fart is so pleasant,
It gives the gut ease,
It warms beds in winter,
And suffocates fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
and some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have even been
just like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
in a number of places,
And leave everyone,
With strange looks on their faces .   

From wide-open spaces, 
To a small elevator, 
A fart will find all of us
sooner or later. 

To say farts are bad, 
Is simply not true- 
We must never forget....... 
Sweet old farts like you!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Offers A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift

Whatto! Peeps....

...especially the more Romantic ones amongst you! 

I asked my notoriously unromantic friend Tony, whether he had bought anything for his wife on Valentine's Day. 
 

He replied 'Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag.'
 

'Wow! Tony!' I exclaimed in genuine surprise 'That was very thoughtful of you.....

.....I'm sure she appreciated those.' 
 

Tony smiled and said, 'I certainly hope so.......

.....and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will also work better now.'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Wasting Not ......Wanting Not

Whatto! Peeps.........

Reaches a new fever pitch

Over 30% of everything that's currently thrown into household bins is recyclable.

Leftover food, cardboard, junk mail, tea and coffee leftovers AND humanure.....can all be composted!

In this country.....

....we still stick to the idea of dumping our unwanted humanure into pipes filled with valuable drinking water......

.....and then using more of our precious drinking water to flush this soil enriching product away.....

....where it then causes pollution and expensive processing costs to dispose of it!

If we can just re-educate ourselves to change our behaviour by evolving towards a Natural way...

....the simple and incredibly effective process of Composting ALL of one's own waste.....

.....will lead to the following benefits:

SOIL ENRICHMENT
• Adds vital organic material
• Improves fertility and productivity
• Suppresses plant diseases
• Discourages insects
• Increases water retention
• Inoculates soil with beneficial microorganisms
• Reduces or eliminates fertilizer needs
• Moderates soil temperature

POLLUTION PREVENTION
• Reduces the need for methane producing landfills
• Reduces the unnecessary disposal of usable organic garbage
• Reduces or eliminates sewage

FIGHTS EXISTING POLLUTION
• Degrades toxic chemicals
• Binds heavy metals
• Cleans contaminated air
• Cleans storm water runoff

RESTORES LAND
• Aids in reforestation
• Helps restore wildlife habitats
• Helps reclaim mined lands
• Helps restore damaged wetlands
• Helps prevent erosion on flood plains

PATHOGEN DESTRUCTION
• Can destroy human disease organisms
• Can destroy plant pathogens
• Can destroy livestock pathogens

MONEY SAVING
• Can be used to produce food
• Can eliminate waste disposal costs
• Reduces the need for water, fertilizers, and pesticides
• Can be sold at a profit
• Extends landfill life by diverting materials
• Is a less costly bio-remediation technique

The Natural cycle keeps everything intact

The 'modern' cycle is broken and causes pollution

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel has Chronological Conversations

Whatto! Peeps.....

I was in our local pub when a handsome young chap walked in.

He took a seat right next to a very attractive lady who was sitting alone in the bar. 

I observed as he gave her a quick glance then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

The woman seemed to notice this movement and asked, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replied,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman said, "a 'state-of-the-art' watch? What's so special about it?"

The chap explained, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady smiled and said, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well' he began, 'It says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggled loudly, spluttering a little of her drink and replied 'Well it must be broken then because I AM wearing panties!'

The chap smiles, shakes his wrist, taps his watch and then says,  'Aha! The bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Honey Bees and their Amazing Abilities

Whatto! Peeps....

Bobbi loved Bees.......a little too much...

The more I read about Honey Bees.....the more I LOVE THEM!

Today I found out that Honey Bees know the following two things:

1. The world is round 

2. How to calculate angles!.....

Yes!

Scientists have figured out how to interpret a 'Honey Bee’s dance' where they communicate where to find food, a new home, and other useful things.  

Using this information, an experiment was done called the “Schafberg Experiment”, (named after the mountain in Austria where it was performed).  

The only source of food for a colony was placed on the far side of the mountain.  The bees could not fly over the mountain.  However, when they communicated where the food was to be found, they conveyed perfectly the angle exactly across the mountain, from themselves to the food source, even though it was an angle they had never flown!

.....So this suggests they had to figure out in their head!

This amazing ability to take into account the roundness of the earth is found in their typical food finding dances.  

When he wants to look busy, Alphonso wears his open-crotch Beesuit

When Honey Bees dance to communicate where a good food source is, they will dance on the surface of the comb.  The dance consists of the bee turning in circles, on each revolution the bee will bisect the circle at an angle;  the angle with respect to the 12 o’clock represents the angle to fly with respect to the sun.  For instance, if the bee ran from 6 to 12 o’clock, this would mean fly straight forward towards the sun; 7 to 1 o’clock would mean fly just to the right of the sun; 12 to 6 o’clock, fly directly away from the sun.

But it gets even better; these little dances can take a really long time and might even take all night to communicate.....  and meanwhile, the angle of the sun has changed!    

So while doing the dance, the bee actually calculates the change in angle based on where the sun is right now with respect to the hive!.  

So if it’s at night when they are doing the dance, they calibrate the angles to associate with where the sun is right now on the other side of the world!  

That's Bally GENIUS!

Police said the two honey thieves were easy to spot

Likewise, when the bees are following the instructions and flying towards the food, they calibrate what they learned based on where the sun is right now against when the instructions were given.  So basically, bee’s are tiny little maths experts with amazing time keeping abilities and able to calculate distances without any discernible measuring device…or SatNav...

The honey beer went straight to her head

Now in addition to knowing angles, they also need to know how far they need to go in each direction. To accomplish this, they wiggle their abdomen’s while crossing the circle.  The more wiggles, the greater the distance; and like with the angles, this is no vague notion of distance.  The bees take and communicate relatively precise measurements on how far they need to go.  

If the distance to the food source is under about 80 meters, it has been found that the bees will not do the wiggle part of the dance, but will just give the direction to the best spot to go.

Amazing!

Makes me want to go outside, cover myself in Honey and shout....

..."Let the Bee Disco Begin!"  

Tallyho!

Bees Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Wonderful and Amazing ME!

Whatto! Peeps.....

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that my dear, dear Agent Cynthia has organised a Promotional Tour for me this Summer to promote my brand new book!..........

Simply entitled "My Story" it is jam-packed full of details from my thrilling and distinguished life and lovingly charts my meteoric rise from 'Facinatingly talented person' to 'International Beach Bum'......

It will be on sale from a small selection of carefully vetted Top Quality book retailers to begin with....

...until the reordering quantities get so huge that we have to involve WH Smiths (again!).

AND! .....Due to overwhelming public demand we shall also be touring in the same way we did two years ago with my highly successful "An Audience with Lord Noel"....which was naturally a complete Sell-Out!

This years show will have the usual portion of humour and I shall also be including some readings 'in person' from my delightful new book ..."My Story".

I've also decided to include a short dramatic section in which I shall perform sketches for my adoring public accompanied by some marvelously exciting Burlesque dancers....

....who I actually manage to get on famously with! 

I imagine tickets will sell out awfully quickly (again!)....so grab them if you can!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Pathogen Alert

Whatto! Peeps....

Is our Planet really in good hands?

The Earth is changing......
....and the future of Human Existence is at risk.....
.....and we're ALL responsible.
Author Joseph Jenkins in his fascinating book entitled "The Humanure Handbook"....
....draws a comparison between traditional human activity and that of dangerous Pathogens as they destroy their host.

• Although the natural background rate of extinctions on Earth is estimated to be about one to ten species per year, we are currently losing 1,000 species per year.

• Since the 1950s, more than 750 million tons of toxic chemical wastes have been dumped into the environment.

• By the end of the 1980s, production of human made synthetic organic chemicals linked to cancer had exceeded 200 billion pounds per year, a hundred-fold increase in only two generations.

• By 1992, in the U.S. alone, over 435 billion pounds of carbon-based syn-thetic chemicals were being produced.

• In 1994, well over a million tons of toxic chemicals were released into the environment. Of these, 177 million pounds were known or suspected car- cinogens.

• There are now about 75,000 chemicals in commercial use, and 3,750 to 7,500 are estimated to be cancer-causing to humans

• The United States has 1,231 “priority” Superfund (Hazardous waste) sites, with 40 million people (one in every six Americans) living within four miles of one.

• 40% of Americans can expect to contract cancer in their lifetimes.

• 80% of all cancer is attributed to environmental influences.

• Breast cancer rates are thirty times higher in the United States than in parts of Africa.

• Childhood cancers have risen by one third since 1950 and now one in every four hundred Americans can expect to develop cancer before the age of fifteen.

• The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency projects that tens of thousands of additional fatal skin can- cers will result from the ozone depletion that has already occurred over North America.

• Male fish are being found with female egg sacs, male alligators with shriveled penises, and human male sperm counts are plummeting.

• The average person can now expect to find at least 250 chemical contaminants in their body fat.

• Fifty new diseases have emerged since 1950, including Ebola, Lyme’s Disease, Hantavirus, and HIV.23

• Earth's atmospheric concentrations of CO2 have climbed to the highest levels for 150,000 years.

It's sobering reading....but he also puts forward a series of suggestions to improve our situation.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's International Agricultural Models

Whatto! Peeps.......

There are a number of 'International Models' within the area of Dairy Farming expertise, and they can be summed up as follows:

The NAMIBIAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You make biltong - a delicious cured meat dish. Yum.

The AMERICAN Model
·      You have two cows that you got from invading a field in a faraway foreign country.
·        You sell one, and force the other, at gunpoint, to produce the milk of four cows.
·        You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

The SOUTH AFRICAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You go on strike because you want three cows.
·        They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone else's cows and shoot their owner.

The ZIMBABWEAN Model
·        A farmer has two cows.
·        You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply you with more.

The JAPANESE Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
·        You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them world-wide with great success.

The GERMAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

The BRITISH Model
·        You have two cows.
·        They are both mad.

The INDIAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You pray to them for food whilst taking telephone calls from disgruntled Europeans. 

The ITALIAN Model
·        You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
·        You go for lunch and have a nice Pizza with salad and a bottle of Chianti.

The RUSSIAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You count them and learn you have five cows.
·        You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
·        You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
·        You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

The SWISS Model
·        You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
·        You charge others for storing them.

The CHINESE Model
·        You have two cows.
·        You have 300 people milking them.
·        You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the information in the first place.

The AUSTRALIAN Model
·        You have two cows.
·        The one on the left is kinda cute...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Man Flu

Whatto! Peeps....

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 30 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in..

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea or coffee are
met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done
it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful
condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are
the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full
blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than Rambo, Batman and The A-Team
combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines'
like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of
Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea or coffee, some
kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just
maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.


Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - It's Out There!

Whatto! Peeps....

It's outside climbing through the trees!

Crazily shaking the reluctant skeletons from every crooked grip.

Boney victims spinning groundwards in brittle agony.

It was the same last night....

....moaning loudly and tapping incessantly on the roof above my bed....

....jolting me rudely awake!

From the sound, I realise just how big it is.

It's huge!

And everywhere at once...

It's got me surrounded!

So I huddle deeper into my flimsy tented duvet.

It's outside...

....shaking everything that moves.

What's it got to be so angry about?

Maybe it overheard me.....

....when I said that I couldn't wait...

...for Summer to arrive.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on School Reunions

Whatto! Peeps.... 

My good Lady wife was one of the many who attended a girls boarding school abroad as part of her education...

...and from time to time they hold reunions which she likes to attend.

The last one was held in England and she was so pleased to see so many of her old classmates after all these years.

She told me she got talking to a girl named Rosalind...

...and together they caught up on everything that had happened to them since they'd last met.

Inevitably the conversation covered the usual topics of husbands, children, homes, etc....

...and finally got around to their sex lives. 

Lady Jacqueline says "Mine's fabulous! We get it on every week or so, sometimes for five or six hours! How's yours?" 

Rosalind replies "Well mine's just great, ever since we got into S&M." 

Lady Jacqueline is slightly aghast. "Really Rosalind? I never would have guessed that you would
go for that." 

"Oh, yes," says Rosalind, "He snores while I masturbate."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel