Lord Noel's Hairy Dog Story

What ho! Pepys....

Lord Noel here....

My neighbour found out that her poor little Schnauzer dog could hardly hear.....
I asked her "Why do you think he's gone deaf?"
...and she told me....
...."Everytime I call it....
....the poor thing just ignores me".
At first I wasn't sure whether the dog was just being really discerning.....
...but she decided to take it to the vet - "just to be sure".
The vet examined the dog and he found that there definately WAS a problem......
....with excess hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and then the dog seemed to be able to hear just fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears about once a month....
....to stop the problem reoccuring.

So the lady went to the chemist and selected some "Nair" hair remover from the shelf.
At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist then added helpfully, "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Oh.... in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Lifting Oneself Up

What ho! Pepys..

..Lord Noel here.....

Lifts or elevators as they are also known, are great fun aren't they?....
There are so many things one can do to while away the moments taken up by a ride in one.....
Here are just some of the ways that I like to have....

Fun In An Elevator:

1. Open up your briefcase, purse or pocket and while peering inside ask: "Have you got enough air in there?"

2. Grimace painfully whilst smacking your forehead and muttering: "When will the voices ever stop?!"

3. Whistle the ASDA theme over and over, and slap your bum at the end of each round.

4. Offer to sell other passengers biscuits from a packet you've just opened.

5. On a long ride, sway wildly from side to side saying "Woah!...nearly lost it that time!".

6. Greet everyone getting into the elevator with a smile and a warm handshake and say "Just call me Admiral!"

7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh oh, motion sickness.... not now!"

8. Meow and purr occasionally wiping your clenched fists against the sides of your nose.

9. Wear a sock puppet on your hand and ask other passengers through it "Are you having a nice day?".

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers "This is my "personal space."

Have fun!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says 'Come See Me Eat Nipples'

What ho!....Pepys...

I've often wondered to myself "Why exactly do us men have nipples?"....

...after all we don't have milk glands....

....so what use are they meant to be put to?

Thankfully I'm not the only one to voice this delicate imponderable....

And there are some people who say that we men just wouldn't look attractive without them....

...a question of balance and symmetry I suppose.

For instance, could you imagine this young man without them?....

....I'm sure he'd look absolutely ghastly.

Anyway....

...here's a lovely Indian song 

...about eating them....

...It's all rather good and I do hope you like it...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Lighting Up

What ho! Pepys....

....Lord Noel here....

"If you 

light 

a lamp 

for 

somebody 

else,

it will 

also 

brighten 

your 

path."

-Buddha-

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Message From The Heart

What ho!

Don't let Alex Riley's strange appearance put you off.....the food will do that.

I saw this programme on BBC 3 about some of the disgusting things that are added to our processed foods to make them more profitable to sell to us consumers....
....and although it is presented in a typically 'entertaining manner' it is still a real eye opener.
Part of the programme touched on the thorny subject of 'Trans fats'.
If you've been living in a remote part of the World with your head in a bucket, it's entirely possible that you may not yet know much about Trans fats......
....but I can guarantee that if you've ever eaten:

Sweets / Candy
Chocolates
Crisps / Chips
Pies
Chips / Fries
Biscuits / Cookies)
Pastries

....you've already eaten LOADS of it!
And yet there is Absolutely NO Nutritional benefit in Trans Fats
For those who don't know....
...Trans Fats have been added to food since their invention in the early 1900's to increase a products shelf life, and because they are much cheaper to use than other fats.
You may have seen them most commonly as ingredients in many Margarine products....
...usually referred to as 'Hydrogenated'.

"Good for your heart".....NOT!

And to think that Margarine is STILL being promoted as a healthier option to Natural Butter!
Trans Fats have long been the preferred choice of fast food restaurants, who chose to deep fry many of their products in the longer-lasting trans fats for our daily consumption.....

Don't forget to lick your fingers!

Yes!....even the humble Indian take away

Supersize me!....pleeeeeeze

Unfortunately for us....
...not only do Trans Fats have no nutritional worth.....
...but our bodies DO NOT LIKE them....
...indeed, tests suggest that Trans Fats can be positively HARMFUL to us, and they have been banned as additives in several countries because of the associated health risks.
The frightening thing is that Trans Fats are also directly linked to these well known health problems....

Alzheimer's Disease
Prostrate Cancer
Diabetes
Obesity
Liver Dysfunction
Infertility in Women

ALL of which are on the increase!
Co-incidence?
Don't say I didn't warn you....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Loves Getting Mileage

What ho! Pepys....

Lord Noel here....

I found Lady Jacqueline chatting in our kitchen with a very good girlfriend of hers who seemed to be quite stressed for some reason.
I listened in, and heard that they were talking about cars....
...and when they saw that I was in the room, I was asked for some advice.
(As a man one automatically qualifies as an 'expert' in areas such as this)
Lady Jacqueline explained to me what the problem was......
..... "My friend here really needs to sell her car, but she's afraid no one will buy it because of it's high mileage of 150,000 miles".

After listening intently to her problem then I said to her, "I know this chap from the pub who may be able to help you. But I'm sorry to say that it’s almost definately entirely illegal.....you see he has told me that he has equipment which can turn back the odometer of cars....thus reducing the mileage."

The friend suddenly looked quite hopeful again and said, " I'll do anything."
So I gave her the phone number of this chap and everyone seemed to be much happier.
A week later this same lady friend bumped into Lady Jacqueline in town and Lady Jacqueline asked her "Have you sold your car yet?"
"Oh No!" The friend said, "Why would I want to sell a car.....
....with only 50,000 miles on the clock?!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel on King Tut Tut

What ho!....

...Lord Noel here....

From the ancient exotic continent of Egypt......

.....home of the mystical pyramids....

...I bring you......

.....a story of intrigue, sex and loss......

....and it begins with the infamous King Tut, the Egyptian pharaoh of the 18th dynasty (ca. 1333-1323 b.c.e.) and son of Akhenatun.

Archaeologists and historians have long raged over what caused the "boy king's" demise.....

....and the mystery of how he came to a sticky end.....

....has now become the centre of further controversy.....

....as the ending.....

....has gone missing!

The Head of King Tut.....Well, that's a start

John Taylor, who looks after the mummies collection at the British Museum in London,states that when King Tut's mummy was first unwrapped in 1922, "the penis was there and was attached".

Tut's penis was reported missing in 1968, but was discovered again in 2006, lying in loose sand around Tut's mummified body during a CT scan in 2006.

King Tut the man who has had his penis with him for almost 1,700 years.......

.....suddenly finds it's gone missing?!

That's just plain careless.....

Give him one more scan.....maybe it's moved?

At that time of his discovery, Egypt's chief of antiquities, Zahi Hawass described Tut's penis as, "well-developed", but noted that the penis was no longer attached to Tut's body.

Oh Yes....somebody's gonna wanna steal this baby!

To wrap all this up: King Tut's penis was known to be attached to his mummified body in 1922; then, in 1968, Tut's royal "sceptre", appeared to have disappeared; only to reappear in 2006 when it was found buried under the sand close to Tut's body but, of course, no longer attached.

All of which tells me one thing...........

If you die extremely rich.....

......you can be buried with tons of gold, silver and precious jewels all around you.....

....but even a couple of thousand years after you're dead......

....people will still want to see your penis!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Speaks Of Equipping The Army

What ho! Pepys...

There always seems to be controversy surrounding the Military......
....and not just because of the work that they do.
I was shocked to see in a Dispatches programme on Channel 4 about how much money the UK Ministry of Defence wastes each year....
...whilst troops on the front line are needlessly injured because of equipment shortages.
It's hard to imagine them ever getting it right because the system now seems so entrenched.
Sometimes members of the Forces personnel can be found trying to influence society in other, more subtle ways....
American Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the National Public Radio (NPR) radio concerning guns and children.
This is a portion of the  interview between a female interviewer and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation:

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach the Boy Scouts climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to become a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Wonders 'Are You Still Searching?'

What ho! Pepys....

Lord Noel here...

"If you cannot 

find the truth 

right where you are, 

where else 

do you expect 

to find it?" 

-Dogen-

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says 'Ciao! Popey Baby!'

What ho! Pepys...

Lord Noel here....

Lord Noel shakes hands with Popey Baby

I am happy to report that His Holiness the Pope.....
.....says he had a wonderful time whilst here in the UK....
....and I would like to read to you a short note he sent me....

"Dear Lord Noel,

Once again I would like to express my sincere thanks for the gracious hospitality given to me by yourself and Lady Jacqueline at Virtual Manor. I can barely remember the first night after the fifth pint.....

Lord Noel - Chillin' in da house wiv Popey Baby and some holy beer

....but I do remember having a great time singing Karaoke until the early hours! I think it was trying to hit those high notes in 'Like a Virgin' which finally finished me off.! I must say.... I felt a bit rough on the road the following morning....and the photos taken of me testify to that! Ha ha!

Please send my thanks also to young Paris who was also such good fun to be with. She is clearly as innocent of any wrong doings as the Catholic Church itself. 

Lord Noel enjoys a night in Paris

If I wasn't the leader of one of the World's largest religions I would love to hang out with you more often. Try to get across to see us @VatCity asap!

Ciao Baby! Popey"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Emplores You 'Don't Get Mad....Get Clean!'

What ho! Pepys....

Lady Jacqueline and I were sitting by the river, enjoying the last of the lovely afternoon sun.....
....when I decided to ask her about something that has intrigued me for some time now....
"Lady Jacqueline" I began.....
"Yes Lord Noel" she responded...
...."Whenever I get mad at you" I continued, "you never seem to get upset.....
.....how do you manage to control your temper so well?"
"Aha!" Lady Jacqueline replied smiling, "I just go and clean the toilet."
"How on earth does cleaning the toilet help?" I enquired with growing curiosity
"Well" she  replied....
...."I use your toothbrush."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ejewkayshun

What ho! Pepys....

Sometimes people say the cleverest of things don't they?.....
It may have something to do with this:

But here are a few 'Brainy people's ' thoughts to ponder on:

"Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes".  Norman Douglas

"Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher
education positively fortifies it".  Stephen Vizinczey

"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten".  BF Skinner

"If little else, the brain is an educational toy".  Tom Robbins - NLP Guru

"America believes in the importance of education: an average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week".  Evan Esar

"My brain hurts!" Bill Gumby - Monty Pythons Flying Circus

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ongoing Urban Phrases

What ho! Everyone....

Lord Noel here....

As everyone knows....

...language is an ever evolving process....

....and phrases that were previously slang have eventually featured in Dictionaries through common useage as perfect examples of how descriptive and contemporary our language continues to be...

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellently versatile phrase which can be applied to any overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

Anyone who is considered to be deeply unattractive.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed,
and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles where humans are put to work - sounds yuk!

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.

For unmarried ladies who have found employment.
(Single income, no boyfriend and desperate).

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

A lady who has clearly bleached/dyed her hair
but nevertheless still retains the 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.

* NONO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you suddenly realise
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.

A very very short skirt, only an inch or two from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence,
the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear
to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside,
but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in,
you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night
while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint,
and whisks away all the unattractive people
and replaces them with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.

Those premixed bottled spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP

The tattoo on a female which is usually just above the posterior

* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her,
so she looks like she's got 4 cubist buttocks

(Find even more at The Urban Dictionary)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel