Lord Noel Gets Things In Perspective

Whatto! Pepys...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Lonely Souls

Whatto! Pepys...

I received this:

"Dear Lord Noel, 
Are you still running your FREE online dating service for lonely souls? The reason I ask is that I recently split up from my long time partner..... she was starting to behave more outrageously towards me each day - and had even begun to tie me up and slap me! - for her own sexual gratification! 
I was 'used' in this way unmercifully! 
......several times a week!
.... until we finally split up 
And I was wondering.....
..... if you could find me someone else? 
- exactly like her?
Yours sincerely
Count Urblesins"


"Dear Count U,
Why Yes I AM!
And I'm very pleased to report that we are having a very high success rate thanks to my in depth 'surveillance techniques' and rigorous 'customer care programme' - that I entirely insist upon as a means of discovering the 'hidden you' which is, of course, what your true soul mate will be seeking.
My biggest disappointment has finally hit the headlines as I feared it would - but other than this one major glitch with Mel B (the former Old Spice girl) - I have a 100% unblemished success rate!
I never should've taken her on as a client!
She told me in her customer survey that she wanted someone who was a 'Bad Boy' who was also a bit 'rough' with birds....
...hence......

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2876133/Domestic-violence-handling-stolen-goods-beating-mallard-death-brick-chequered-history-Mel-B-s-husband-trouble-police-two-decades.html

But in retrospect I should have realised she was going to be a difficult 'lonely soul' to 'place' because when we undertook our 'initial customer care survey' together at our first meeting.....
I remember distinctly asking her what she wanted from a man...
...and she found it quite difficult to put into words....
"But my customer survey requires your candid response!" I remember repeating to her....
She thought about her response for quite a while then, in a softly spoken Northern accent she finally began to reveal her hidden self to me!
Okay Lord Noel....
....she began.....
I'll tell you what I want......
.....what I really, really want.....
....but all she could come up with was "Ziggazig...Ha!"
It was doomed from the start!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Hits The Headlines!

Whatto! Pepys...

We all know how newspapers twist and turn the truth to suit themselves or their bosses...
...and here are a few examples of how Headlines can go wrong...
...and write....!


Actual Newspaper headlines..

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one 
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing 
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers 
House passes gas tax onto senate  
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan 
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung 
William Kelly was fed secretary 
Milk drinkers are turning to powder 
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted 
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water 
Farmer bill dies in house 
Iraqi head seeks arms


Intentional or...? 

Queen Mary having bottom scraped 
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope 
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over 
NJ judge to rule on nude beach 
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors 
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again 
Organ festival ends in smashing climax


What grammar! 

Eye drops off shelf 
Squad helps dog bite victim 
Dealers will hear car talk at noon 
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax 
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests 
Miners refuse to work after death 
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies 
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter



 
Twisting the meaning! 

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better


And stating the obvious! 

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while 
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain     
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Advertising

Whatto! Pepys...

Isn't it great that everything is paid for by advertising?
And now computers have little spy programmes in them to watch what you are watching and make sure you get to see lots more of what YOU want!
I especially love the way they interrupt programmes with a growing number of adverts during each commercial break!
I jest of course!
I F&*()%^ HATE adverts!
I only ever watch programmes I have pre-recorded so I can zoom through the breaks at 30x speed to get back to the bloody programme I sat down to watch instead of all the garbage they keep pushing onto all couch potatoes.
If subliminal advertising works at 30x the normal speed I have yet to see the results of it.
I buy far less now than ever before....
...I use a salt crystal I bought in Thailand for underarm deodorant and that's easily going to last me 200 years - in fact I may leave it to some well deserving person when I finally peg it! (applications on a postcard please)
I use salt on the driveway instead of poisonous chemical insecticides and it works great at keeping down the weeds!
And I'm always looking into what else I can stop buying and make it myself.
When I'm on the computer I use ADBLOCK - it's free and it stops all those tiresome interruptions.
Don't these Companies get it?
Adverts are an extremely RUDE intrusion into our lives...
...it's like someone walking into your home whilst you're having a nice chat with a friend and trying to get you to buy a vacuum cleaner!
It's really really RUDE!
And - if anything - it gives me an aversion to the products on display!
I now HATE MacDonald's, KFC, M&S, Loan Companies, Pension Plans, Injury Lawyers, Iceland, Specsavers and many many more.... with a vengeance!
All I can hope is that everyone is doing what I'm doing so that these Companies go out of business or at the very least have so little money they can't afford to advertise any more.
There was probably a time in the dim and distant past when ads were fun to watch and creative (maybe even better than the programmes themselves) but that time has passed.... and viewers have become much more sophisticated....

...which means that advertisers are busily beavering away as you read this - planning their new advert and devising a way to make sure that you are forced to sit through the whole sorry business.

This Blog Entry has been sponsored by 'Grumpy Gits'
The same people who brought you "Where's that draught coming from?"
and "I TOLD you I didn't like THOSE biscuits!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Bread

Whatto! Pepys...

I am hoping that the next General Election will include discussions on an issue that is close to my heart: This is a subject which has been long overlooked by our political representatives so I have prepared a series of bullet points to increase the impact of this controversial subject! BREAD!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread users!

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardised tests!

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations!

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread!

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days!

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as margarine, butter, jam, peanut butter, and even Marmite!

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. The human body is more than 90 percent water, so it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding type of doughy person!

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread!

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute!

10.  Bread relies on Bacteria to carry out it's chemical changes on the natural sugars! Bacteria is the source of many illnesses and infections in humans! It can also be a source of Amylophobia!

11. Bread contains GLUTEN which is the scourge of coeliacs who make up one in 100 of the population!

12. Millions of acres of otherwise useable farmland has become barren from over production of wheat using agrochemicals and petroleum based fertilisers!

13. Most British bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific facts and meaningless statistical babbling!


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel