Lord Noel Prepares For The Olympics!

Whatto! Sportspeople.......

What with the bally old recession starting to bite more deeply the last thing we can bally well afford to shell out for now is a bally Olympic Games!..........
I'm sorry about my language..... but I find it all bally emotive stuff!!
Still..........we've committed ourselves now...........
.....and an Englishman's word is his bond .....and so on.............
So lets get on with the job of winning as many of those bally old GOLD medals as we can!
The latest British team did us proud with their medal total but I think there could still be room for improvement....................
Especially in the training department!
I've come up with a few ideas that I'll be forwarding to Sir Sebastian Coe - or 'Sebby' as I like to call him!.....
I think you'll agree that this should improve our teams performance no end!

Snow Shooting:
This is a perfect example of how to save scarce cash in the run-up to the Olympics!
Here we combine 'clay pigeon shooting' with 'Downhill skiing'.................
If the shooter wins...............it's because the skier is not going bally well fast enough!!




Shot Putting:
A simple device to measure the effort that each athlete is putting into their throw.......
If they don't collapse from asphyxiation after each throw.....they're simply not throwing hard enough!


Fencing:
First we put a metal fence between the two competitors....................
(A very good friend of mine produces fencing at very reasonable cost)
Then we provide each contestant with one chain saw each........
.........filled with exactly two minutes worth of fuel!
The idea is to cut through the fence as quickly as possible to get to your opponent whilst conserving as much fuel as possible for the hand to hand combat that follows.......................... see it's ecological too!!


Pole vaulting:
For too long competitors in this discipline have had it too easy!......
No more than three jumps a day!
A short sprint along a straight track and they reach their goal!
Cushioned mattresses for them to fall on!?
What's going on people??!!
Time for a massive change of mindset for these shirkers!.....................
We start with the track...................and rip it up!....................Now they have to run across fields so they will be more grateful when the track is put back later!
Then we replace the pole with a fence................ an ELECTRIC one!!.......with barbed wire!!!
(My good friend can do special prices on all mod cons added to normal fencing)
Har har! No room for error now!
Get over that bally fence!................ or retire early!.................. Wallop!
Triple Jump:
Anyone who has watched this sport as I have will realise it's full of the same shirkers who take part in the pole vault.....................
So we need something to act as a similar incentive!
I've come up with the perfect solution with these massive spikes floating in molten metal!
(Another very good friend of mine does very good deals on spikes and molten metal)
If you don't get high enough - the spikes will get you.......
If you don't jump long enough.............you melt!!!!


Relay:
I've noticed from MY EXTENSIVE researching of this particular sport that races are won or lost on the ability of the team to manage to 'handover' of the baton correctly..............
Therefore.......in training sessions the baton will be henceforth replaced with a stick of dynamite!
It can (and will) be remotely activated by adjudicators when they see a bad handover taking place and they believe the 'receiver' is at fault................ The fuse will be adjusted to go off before the athlete reaches the next handover.................thus acting as a genuine incentive for him to get this part of the operation correct!

I realise that many of you will be saying things like......
........ "Ooh! that seems a bit harsh!"...........
....and "These systems will injure lots of our Athletes!"........................
And I reply "YES!" ............"HOPEFULLY!".....................
After all..............If they're not up to it.......and never likely to win us any GOLD medals (which are really the ONLY ones that truly count!)..........................do we really want to waste millions of pounds on them?
I think not!
I'm waiting for an announcement from Sebby any day now!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel